Joseph, thank you for your comments responding to my post (which were responding to your original comments).
I'm not sure I have answers for you, because, of course, everyone is different. However, I would agree with you that I, too, would (and do, and have in the past) felt guilty when I have cheated on a woman, BOTH when it has been with another woman or when it has been with guys. I think my earlier post may not have made that as clear as I would have liked.
To perhaps be a little clearer about it, when I am in a reasonably solid, emotionally full relationship with a woman, I both rarely feel the compulsion to cheat, with either sex, and when/if I do, I feel guilty -- although my feeling of guilt/shame are greater if I have cheated with another woman than when I have cheated with a guy.
Generally, as I think I noted, the times when I tend to seek out other guys are either when I am between relationships with women or in situations where I am in a relationship with a woman, but am unhappy with it. In such situations, my feelings about my hookups with guys tend to be ones of unease and tension, but not necessarily heavy guilt.
Bottom line, I guess, is that my guilt level at cheating rises proportionally to the intensity of my primary female relationship at the time, BUT my feelings of guilt are generally LESS when the cheating is with a guy. The reason, I think, is that I tend very rarely, if ever, to become more than just casually emotionally connected to the guys I cheat with. In contrast, I've never found it possible to have a relationship with a woman (even one who is the woman I am cheating WITH) without becoming at least somewhat emotionally attached. For me, the greatest guilt comes when I feel I have betrayed my emotional commitment to a woman I care about. When it is 'merely' my 'dividing' my sexual attraction by seeking out guys on the side, my guilt feelings are less. Perhaps that should not be so, and perhaps I am a fool who is deluding myself. But the fact remains that deep down, I don't think I see purely sexual cheating as being as 'bad' as emotional cheating -- and I, speaking just for myself, have never found it possible to have a purely sexual 'cheating' experience with other women, whereas having purely physical/FB hookups with guys is pretty easy for me.
Finally, to respond to your thoughts about your hope of finding a woman who is similarly bisexual, I do sincerely wish you the best of luck on that. However, speaking as one bisexual who has reached his mid-30s, and who has had several intense relationships with women (including marriage), as well as not a few hookups with men (though never, for whatever reason, a serious emotional relationship), I tend to believe that what you seek and dream for is probably close to unattainable. Yes, perhaps you may eventually find such a 'perfect' woman, but if she exists, it will likely take you many years of looking to find her. And I do not believe it would be healthy for you to 'hold out' on having other relationships with more conventionally oriented women while you wait.
You may find, as I have, that when you do find a deep and serious connection to a woman, that your 'hunger' for guys fades into the background, at least for a while, receding to a place where it is easily manageable. What I have done is to accept to myself (though not necessarily opening to my female partners) who it is I am. I know that whenever a relationship with a woman starts to fall apart, that my attraction both to other women and to guys will go up. And except for the 'other guys' part of that last sentence, I think that this reaction is probably normal for most men (and women, for that matter).
I have found it comforting (is it denial?) to realize that for me, my bisexual attraction for men is preponderantly a physical one, not an emotional one. This has made it easier for me to accept, and to manage, my attraction to men at various times in my life. I do think it would be MUCH harder were I a person who felt EMOTIONALLY attracted to both men and women. Perhaps you are such a person, perhaps not. I sensed from your original post that you shared some of my own puzzlement (or at least the puzzlement I had when I was younger and not so experienced) at the fact that the CHARACTER of my attraction to men and to women was somehow DIFFERENT. That is, to some extent or another, it is not as though my attraction to the two sexes is DIVIDED, rather it is that my attraction to each is distinct in its own way -- that is my attraction to women being emotional/romantic/ANDphysical, whereas my attraction to men is almost exclusively only physical. [Interestingly, I have never had a 'friends with benefits' relationship with another guy -- in fact, I have never found myself physically attracted to the guys who are my good friends. And I have never become more than casual friends with the guys I have hooked up with. Something in my head seems to draw a strong line there, one I have never been tempted to cross.]
OK, perhaps I have written too much, and what I've said may be confusing. However, I am resisting the temptation to go back and edit and revise it -- because I generally find that I am at my most honest when I simply write quickly what I am feeling, rather than let my intellect interfere and manipulate my expresson.
So, again, thank you so much for your posts. They have resonated very strongly with me, and have provoked me to think about aspects of myself that I have not examined in such a way in many years. My sincerest best wishes to you. And if you'd like to keep corresponding on any of this, please do -- whether it be on this open thread, or in a 1-to-1 email exchange between the two of us.
All my best,
Swimmersox (aka Eric, my actual real name)