Attraction to guys and girls, differences?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Joseph, Sep 13, 2009.

  1. Joseph

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    Once again here, yet again typing in the relationships section... Hmmm I wonder why.

    I consider myself bisexual. I feel quite comfortable with it, no more crying because I didn't know whenever I was gay or straight (which really was like being pulled apart, once to this side and once to the other). Sadly not all is clear for me yet.

    I do see a difference in my attraction depending on the gender. When it comes to sexual attraction, it's quite equal, even thought I do tend to watch porn showing guys more frequently...

    But when it comes to relationships, I am somehow preferring girls a lot. And I don't know if it's just me clinging to heterosexuality so strong or if it's my heart after all.

    From one side I do know I'd have it easier with a guy. There are a lot of things that annoy me in girls.... But none the less, I only once or twice had an eye for a guy (both cases, I just decided to pass and stick to friendship) and only once did a guy confess love to me, without a bit of doubt or regret I declined. As for girls... there were dozens of girls I had an eye on, I gave the girls lot of thought, I even had 2 girlfriends already.

    I just don't know why....
    What do you guys think?
    Sexuality has a wide spectrum... prefer guy or girl and in which amount... But do you think it could be more than that?
    Is it so odd to have sex/love split there and have different preferences for both?

    Thank you for your input.
     
  2. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    The feeling you are having now are very normal. You are still searching out what your preferences are. In a way it is normal that in some cases you will like guys more then girls, and also vice versa. But you will see that in the future you will be suprised that you can find a girl you are more attracted too, sexually and by charachter. But this could also be with a guy.
     
  3. swimmersox

    swimmersox Active Member

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    Joseph, reading your post starting this thread, I felt something of a shock, because what you wrote could have been me at your age. For me, at least, what you express is so so true.

    At least for some bisexual men, and this has been my experience (and Joseph's, I think?), women provide the primary EMOTIONAL/LOVE draw and attraction, while our attraction to men, though not without it's emotional/love component at times, remains largely PHYSICAL.

    That is, for me at least, I have never had anything approaching a sustained emotional relationship (other than friendship) with a guy, nor have I ever had a 'crush' on a guy that was not primarily physical.

    I routinely spot and stare at attractive guys (as I do at women), and when fantasizing sexually, often if not a slight majority of the time, I fantasize about guys.

    Nevertheless, every love relationship in my entire life (30s here) has been with women, and I have never felt emotionally restless or unfulfilled in those relationships (including marriage), unless there was something wrong with a particular relationship on an emotional level (which of course happens to anyone). Nor have I felt that my accompanying sexual relationships with women were in any serious way less exciting those sexual liasons I've had with men.

    At the same time, though, I have always felt a sexual 'itch' of physical attraction to other guys, which I have from time to time 'scratched.' I find sex with men pleasurable and fun, and clearly I'm doing more than just experimenting, because I've gone back for more several times over several years. But I have also gone stretches of several years without any encounters with guys, nor much of any internal conflict about my lack of them.

    I tend to gravitate to hookups with men at particular times in my life, namely when I am either between relationships with women and thus without sexual outlet, or when I am sexually frustrated in my current relationship with a woman.

    Frankly, were it fairly easy for me to have quick, relatively anonymous 'flings' with 'other women' when I am frustrated like that, I probably would do that, rather than seek out men. But I find it both difficult and guilt-inducing to strike up a casual/'adulterous' relationship with women. That is, unlike in the world of shockingly easy MTM hookups, there is often much emotional drama, buildup, and effort involved in establishing even a furtive sexual relationship with most women.

    Also, whenever I've sought out other women when I've been in a relationship with a woman, I feel terrible guilt and a sense of betrayal (by me to my GF), whereas I feel very little of that when all I've done is have an anonymous MTM hookup. Why is that? I don't really know. Some of it is probably just double-standard-denial on my part, but I really do think that there is something else going on. That is, when I 'cheat' on a woman with another woman, I feel as though I am dividing my emotional affection and commitment (as well as my sexual desire), whereas when my cheating consists 'only' of a hookup (or hookups) with a guy, I usually don't feel any guilt at all, or if I do, only a little bit. I think this is because I am never (so far at least) diverting any real emotional attention or energy to the guy(s) I am hooking up with.

    In fact, I think I tend to feel about my MTM hookups while in a relationship with a woman sort of the same way about masturbating. That is, I feel a little ill-at ease about it, but not very guilty. (Of course, there is a HUGE difference in that I know that my GF/wife would probably throw me out if she found out about MTM hookups, whereas she wouldn't/doesn't care about my masturbating, at least provided it's not excessive.)

    All of what I have written is spoken with complete frankness. I know that most leading psychologists would probably say something like, 'well, that's all well and good, but the guy is probably just gay and in deep denial.' OK, perhaps that is true. (It's really, really hard to deny accusations of denial...) But I must say that I do not feel that that is true of me. I am in my mid-thirties now, and I have lived my entire life with an unerring emotional/romantic pull to women, and all of my romantic relationships have been with them. Although perhaps there have been occasional romantic flickers of feeling toward other men, these have been pretty rare.

    On the sexual/physical side, though, I feel as though my purely sexual/physical urges are probably divided about 50/50 toward women and men, with that 'percentage' swinging dramatically in one direction or another depending on how well or how poorly my current romantic/love/emotional/sexual/physical relationship with a woman is going.

    So, if it is possible to wind up this long-ish post with anything approaching a clear conclusion, I suppose it is this: At least for this bisexual man (me), the emotional side of my sexual/romantic being is predominately focused on women, whereas my physical/sexual side is split in its attraction, with about half going to women, and the other half to men -- with the MTM attraction rising and falling depending on how well/poorly my current relationship(s) with women are going.

    Well, if anyone has had the patience to read through this, I would be VERY interested in any comments, feedback, personal experiences, or thoughts. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I feel as though society pooh-poohs bisexuality as just a bunch of elaborately constructed denial (of being gay). Maybe this is true. I am not an expert. But I do know what I feel, and what I have consistently felt over a period of many years (my whole life).

    This does not feel like denial to me. It feels like reality. It would be nice to know that there are others out there who feel at least some of the way I do. From reading Joseph's post, it seems he may be one of them. I hope there are others.
     
  4. Joseph

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    Oh? My, this did very positively surprise me. I do feel a lot better if people feel special about my topics and enjoy reading them.




    That is something I can agree on. I also worry that if I finally had a permanent relationship, things could go weird because of my bisexuality. I would feel guilty having sex with a girl while having a relationship with one already, after all, I have her, she would feel bad knowing I need other women. Same if she did it with other guys, why she needs other guys when she has me? But having sex with a guy behind her back? I’m not sure I could do that. I really dream of a girl that will be open minded and hopefully bi like me. She could have sex with girls, while I could have sex with guys from time to time, but of course we’d be discussing it with one another etc.

    I don’t know, I keep getting worried I’m perverted for desiring that. But I’m really not sure if I could go through marriage without guys… I don’t know yet, since I’m still a virgin etc. But I do get worried about it and really hope I shall find a girl full of understanding with whom I’ll be honest about everything.



     
  5. fournineteenfiftynine

    fournineteenfiftynine Well-Known Member

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    I put these questions together awhile ago to help sort out m/f attraction:


    1. Do you desire to have women find you physically attractive?
    2. Do you desire to have men find you physically attractive?
    3. Do you find the male physique sexually attractive?
    4. Do you find the female physique sexually attractive?
    5. Do you find certain parts of the male body attractive?
    6. Do you find certain parts of the female body attractive?
    7. Do you tend to be more emotionally attracted to women or men or both?
    8. Do you have certain types of emotional attractions to women and to men?
    9. Do you tend to have "crushes" on one sex over the other?
    10. Do you desire to touch sexually certain female and/or male body parts?
    11. Do you prefer m-m, f-f, or m-f intercourse?
    12. Is there any type of m-m, f-f, or m-f sexual interaction that you find unattractive or even repulsive?
     
  6. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I don't seem to have the thing about there being a difference between attraction for girls and guys. I find the quality of the attraction the same. The main difference is whether the guy is emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with another guy. Many simply aren't. Also the sexual expression with girls is different than with guys, although I find that the emotional aspects are almost identical. As I've said before on this site, it's amazing how truly tender and affectionate guys can be if they feel trust and love for me. It's something a lot of straight guys don't seem to be able to understand.
     
  7. swimmersox

    swimmersox Active Member

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    Joseph, thank you for your comments responding to my post (which were responding to your original comments).

    I'm not sure I have answers for you, because, of course, everyone is different. However, I would agree with you that I, too, would (and do, and have in the past) felt guilty when I have cheated on a woman, BOTH when it has been with another woman or when it has been with guys. I think my earlier post may not have made that as clear as I would have liked.

    To perhaps be a little clearer about it, when I am in a reasonably solid, emotionally full relationship with a woman, I both rarely feel the compulsion to cheat, with either sex, and when/if I do, I feel guilty -- although my feeling of guilt/shame are greater if I have cheated with another woman than when I have cheated with a guy.

    Generally, as I think I noted, the times when I tend to seek out other guys are either when I am between relationships with women or in situations where I am in a relationship with a woman, but am unhappy with it. In such situations, my feelings about my hookups with guys tend to be ones of unease and tension, but not necessarily heavy guilt.

    Bottom line, I guess, is that my guilt level at cheating rises proportionally to the intensity of my primary female relationship at the time, BUT my feelings of guilt are generally LESS when the cheating is with a guy. The reason, I think, is that I tend very rarely, if ever, to become more than just casually emotionally connected to the guys I cheat with. In contrast, I've never found it possible to have a relationship with a woman (even one who is the woman I am cheating WITH) without becoming at least somewhat emotionally attached. For me, the greatest guilt comes when I feel I have betrayed my emotional commitment to a woman I care about. When it is 'merely' my 'dividing' my sexual attraction by seeking out guys on the side, my guilt feelings are less. Perhaps that should not be so, and perhaps I am a fool who is deluding myself. But the fact remains that deep down, I don't think I see purely sexual cheating as being as 'bad' as emotional cheating -- and I, speaking just for myself, have never found it possible to have a purely sexual 'cheating' experience with other women, whereas having purely physical/FB hookups with guys is pretty easy for me.

    Finally, to respond to your thoughts about your hope of finding a woman who is similarly bisexual, I do sincerely wish you the best of luck on that. However, speaking as one bisexual who has reached his mid-30s, and who has had several intense relationships with women (including marriage), as well as not a few hookups with men (though never, for whatever reason, a serious emotional relationship), I tend to believe that what you seek and dream for is probably close to unattainable. Yes, perhaps you may eventually find such a 'perfect' woman, but if she exists, it will likely take you many years of looking to find her. And I do not believe it would be healthy for you to 'hold out' on having other relationships with more conventionally oriented women while you wait.

    You may find, as I have, that when you do find a deep and serious connection to a woman, that your 'hunger' for guys fades into the background, at least for a while, receding to a place where it is easily manageable. What I have done is to accept to myself (though not necessarily opening to my female partners) who it is I am. I know that whenever a relationship with a woman starts to fall apart, that my attraction both to other women and to guys will go up. And except for the 'other guys' part of that last sentence, I think that this reaction is probably normal for most men (and women, for that matter).

    I have found it comforting (is it denial?) to realize that for me, my bisexual attraction for men is preponderantly a physical one, not an emotional one. This has made it easier for me to accept, and to manage, my attraction to men at various times in my life. I do think it would be MUCH harder were I a person who felt EMOTIONALLY attracted to both men and women. Perhaps you are such a person, perhaps not. I sensed from your original post that you shared some of my own puzzlement (or at least the puzzlement I had when I was younger and not so experienced) at the fact that the CHARACTER of my attraction to men and to women was somehow DIFFERENT. That is, to some extent or another, it is not as though my attraction to the two sexes is DIVIDED, rather it is that my attraction to each is distinct in its own way -- that is my attraction to women being emotional/romantic/ANDphysical, whereas my attraction to men is almost exclusively only physical. [Interestingly, I have never had a 'friends with benefits' relationship with another guy -- in fact, I have never found myself physically attracted to the guys who are my good friends. And I have never become more than casual friends with the guys I have hooked up with. Something in my head seems to draw a strong line there, one I have never been tempted to cross.]

    OK, perhaps I have written too much, and what I've said may be confusing. However, I am resisting the temptation to go back and edit and revise it -- because I generally find that I am at my most honest when I simply write quickly what I am feeling, rather than let my intellect interfere and manipulate my expresson.

    So, again, thank you so much for your posts. They have resonated very strongly with me, and have provoked me to think about aspects of myself that I have not examined in such a way in many years. My sincerest best wishes to you. And if you'd like to keep corresponding on any of this, please do -- whether it be on this open thread, or in a 1-to-1 email exchange between the two of us.

    All my best,
    Swimmersox (aka Eric, my actual real name)
     
  8. Joseph

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    I do understand you don’t cheat just so, it’s when you’re not too satisfied. And I do feel doing it with a guy on the side would be less bad. I also find it hard to be with a girl and not be emotionally engaged.

    Yeah I will never decline a woman just for sexuality issues. But hey, I have dreams. I guess I could just not do it with guys and not ask my loved girl for a chance to do it with a friend (I don’t want to cheat, seriously). But I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m bi. I hide so many things… I understand I can’t give away everything to anyone, it’s not like I’d want to. But I want my true love to know who I am and what I desire. I can try to hold my desires and stuff, but I don’t want to pretend they don’t exist.

    I’m not that sure, I can tell for sure I feel easier emotionally attracted to women, I’m not sure I can’t be with guys, but it’s certainly harder. I do have a “friend with benefits” whom I shall visit one day and even live close to, so I can and want to go with that.


    It’s not confusing at all what you wrote and believe me, I’m so easy to confuse. Thanks for replying!
     
  9. D_Tamerton Taintpussie

    D_Tamerton Taintpussie Account Disabled

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    My 2 cents worth on this subject is that each individual person is so unique and different that the attraction that I feel is on a "case by case" basis. I really prefer to shy away from labelling myself. Their are so many factors that affect whether I am attracted to someone, and the older I get, the more subtle and complex these have become.

    I think it is a classic case of the world at large requiring that we assert who we are so that they can classify us accordingly. For me sexuality is such a private, nebulous issue. Why should we have to fit some arbitrary mould?

    I admire you for not being afraid to explore your real feelings. Life is for living, and there is so much beauty (both physical and other) out there. Just be kind and patient with yourself, and you will attract everything you need into your life.

    Much love
    Tiger
     
  10. Joseph

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    Thank you Tiger, I hope your right :smile:
     
  11. smallbutlikebig

    smallbutlikebig New Member

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    Sounds similar to me. I could never live with a guy, I cant kiss a guy, and would always do with a woman, but a big cock in my mouth or ass is something I enjoy
     
  12. invisibleman

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    1.
    Do you desire to have women find you physically attractive?
    I don't desire that.
    2.
    Do you desire to have men find you physically attractive?
    I don't desire that either. I like some gay men. I don't want any straight men. If they are hot, I definately respect that and I stay away as much as possible.
    3.
    Do you find the male physique sexually attractive?
    Yes.
    4.
    Do you find the female physique sexually attractive?
    The pussy is interesting but not wanting to do it.
    5.
    Do you find certain parts of the male body attractive?
    I like cleft chins. Prominent jawlines. Thick necks. Beards. Beard stubble. Chest hair. Forearm hair. Massive forearms. Thick manly hands and fingers. A nice girthy cock. Nice firm ass. And nice legs with thick calves.
    6.
    Do you find certain parts of the female body attractive?
    The pussy is interesting but not wanting to do it.
    7.
    Do you tend to be more emotionally attracted to women or men or both?
    Men.
    8.
    Do you have certain types of emotional attractions to women and to men?
    Men.
    9.
    Do you tend to have "crushes" on one sex over the other?
    Just men.
    10.
    Do you desire to touch sexually certain female and/or male body parts?
    MEN: All over. WOMEN: Just the pussy.
    11.
    Do you prefer m-m, f-f, or m-f intercourse?
    Male-to-male.
    12.
    Is there any type of m-m, f-f, or m-f sexual interaction that you find unattractive or even repulsive?
    I find gay men who only want to fuck straight guys weird.
    I don't want a straight guy.
     
  13. lustful10

    lustful10 New Member

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    Sexuality is a very fluid thing, and I think that's what it comes down to. My boyfriend is bisexual, but has mostly had relationships with women, although he has had some with men he said... but he says that generally his attraction to men is mostly physical. I'm bisexual, I've had mostly relationships with men (although this wasn't by choice per se, it was just how it turned out). However I could have a relationship with a woman if the chance came along (I did have one years ago, and it was my first relationship actually). So I think my attraction to men and women is physical AND emotional. It varies though... sometimes I've felt I prefer men, sometimes I've felt I prefer women, or sometimes it's equal.
     
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