Awful sex life

getnosatisfaction

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I've been lurking in these forums for several years, but now I decided I could use some advice. I've started going out with my boyfriend about a year ago. We love each other and get along quite well, despite our differences. There is one big problem, though: our sex life is awful.
I guess this part requires a bit of background: I've never been a very sexually-outgoing person and my sexual experience is a bit limited compared to some other gay guys my age (25). I am a total bottom, but I almost never enjoyed it in the past. In fact, I can only recall two guys with whom I really enjoyed getting fucked, and my BF is not one of them. He is versatile with a tendency towards bottoming, and that's something I just cannot give him. He also doesn't enjoy fucking me very much, saying I'm not tight enough (that's a comment I've already heard in the past).
As you can imagine, both of us are NOT satisfied with our sex life. We've talked about sleeping with other people, both together and separately, but I'm not sure whether it would help our relationship or draw us further apart. On the other hand, I think both of us feel that something has to be done. I feel that I deserve a satisfying sex life, not just endless fantasies and lusting. He deserves more, too, especially since he's a bit more sexual than I am.

I'd love to get some advice, hear how other people dealt with such a situation in the past, etc. I honestly have no idea how to overcome this obstacle.
 

Exbiker

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It may or may not be a big problem.

It does sound like it is, but that's one of the key things for you and he to discover. That will take good conversations. Maybe over one drink of beer or wine, but no more than that.

People can actually have good strong loving relationships, even if sex is not involved. I do agree it makes it better/ more complete though.

You need to work out if it's purely a physical thing, or if there's something else emotional and/or psychological going on. And you need to find ways, and "safe" opportunities to do something about it.

I think it's really about going with the flow, if you can get started. Not setting targets and laying out plans. But, it's also about accepting that it might not happen. You both would need to want it, for it to be realistic.

If you just had an "open" relationship, ie got sexual satisfaction elsewhere, what would you be losing ? Think about that. And also, I don't think it's a good idea to bring other people into your bedroom, unless it's working OK between you.

All the advice about specifics - who should do what to whom, and when - isn't a good place to start. You need the basic emotional/social issue sorted out first ...

I'm in a similar situation in some ways. Don't push too hard, but don't ignore it either.

Good Luck :smile:
 

erratic

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We love each other and get along quite well, despite our differences. There is one big problem, though: our sex life is awful.

I'm glad to hear the first bit, but sorry about the last bit.

I am a total bottom, but I almost never enjoyed it in the past.

My first question would be why you're a total bottom, if you seldom enjoy it.

More importantly: What do you enjoy? Do that. Don't bottom often, if you don't enjoy it often. Do you really just enjoy being passive (which is great, if you do)? Don't confuse that with bottoming. Being passive in bed and being a bottom aren't necessarily the same at all. Like, at all at all. You can fuck someone just as hard with your ass as you can with your dick.

In fact, I can only recall two guys with whom I really enjoyed getting fucked, and my BF is not one of them. He is versatile with a tendency towards bottoming, and that's something I just cannot give him.

Why not?

One problem that frequently pops up in people's sex lives is that they get hamstrung by roles and by absolutist ideas of what they will and won't do in bed.

I would challenge you that there's no way you "cannot" fuck your boyfriend. You choose not to. If women can fuck their boyfriends hard, deep, and in the ass, then you can too.

And, does "I don't want to do it" mean "I will never do it"?

My husband and I have a great sex life. There are lots of things he's into that I'm not very into, and vice versa. Once in a while we both do things for each other that we're each not that into, trusting that the other will get their turn soon enough.

He also doesn't enjoy fucking me very much, saying I'm not tight enough (that's a comment I've already heard in the past).

That's fucking harsh. Anyone who tells you that is being a dipshit. Unless your asshole is the size of a tub of peanut butter from Costco, it's tight enough. Any dipshit who tells you otherwise is being way too all-or-nothing. "You're either exactly what I want, or you're too loose."

Bullshit.

We've talked about sleeping with other people, both together and separately, but I'm not sure whether it would help our relationship or draw us further apart. On the other hand, I think both of us feel that something has to be done.

I'm guessing your sex life is already creating distance between the two of you? Otherwise, you wouldn't feel like something has to be done.

My intuition is that the two of you are expecting a bit too much. Finding a great sexual match is rare. Finding a great sexual match who remains a great match is even rarer. You can, however, make a good match happen and persist. It involves loosening up, and usually a lot of it. It involves a lot of give-and-take. It involves doing something sexual for someone else. It means being okay with the fact that the act itself may not always bring you great pleasure, but finding pleasure instead in what it does for your partner.

I'm not saying you need to abandon all boundaries. Far from it, actually. But having a good sex life with your partner, whether it's open or monogamous requires a lot of persistence.

I feel that I deserve a satisfying sex life, not just endless fantasies and lusting. He deserves more, too, especially since he's a bit more sexual than I am.

You both deserve satisfying sex lives. Some couples have to put more effort into it than others, though

I'd love to get some advice, hear how other people dealt with such a situation in the past, etc. I honestly have no idea how to overcome this obstacle.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh here; I'm trying to challenge your thinking in order to get you to loosen up a bit.

My guess is that you guys haven't overcome this obstacle because you're both stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. That's a very common thing for partners - I'm not saying it's just you. Far from it. And even very happy couples get trapped in that from time to time. But if you want to get out of it, you'll have to put a different kind of effort into it.
 

getnosatisfaction

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I am a total bottom, but I almost never enjoyed it in the past.

My first question would be why you're a total bottom, if you seldom enjoy it.

More importantly: What do you enjoy? Do that. Don't bottom often, if you don't enjoy it often. Do you really just enjoy being passive (which is great, if you do)? Don't confuse that with bottoming. Being passive in bed and being a bottom aren't necessarily the same at all. Like, at all at all. You can fuck someone just as hard with your ass as you can with your dick..
It's hard to explain exactly why, I just have a very strong urge to be penetrated. Apparently I enjoy it with the right partners, but they seem to be scarce.
Other than that, I enjoy sucking cock, and I do it a lot with my BF, but it's not enough for either of us.

In fact, I can only recall two guys with whom I really enjoyed getting fucked, and my BF is not one of them. He is versatile with a tendency towards bottoming, and that's something I just cannot give him.

Why not?

One problem that frequently pops up in people's sex lives is that they get hamstrung by roles and by absolutist ideas of what they will and won't do in bed.

I would challenge you that there's no way you "cannot" fuck your boyfriend. You choose not to. If women can fuck their boyfriends hard, deep, and in the ass, then you can too.

And, does "I don't want to do it" mean "I will never do it"?

My husband and I have a great sex life. There are lots of things he's into that I'm not very into, and vice versa. Once in a while we both do things for each other that we're each not that into, trusting that the other will get their turn soon enough..
First, I lose my erection at the thought of penetrating someone else. I just don't find it sexually appealing. If the physiological issue could be overcome, it does eventually boil down to my reluctance to do something I find very unappealing. I can't say what I'd think or feel in the future about it.

He also doesn't enjoy fucking me very much, saying I'm not tight enough (that's a comment I've already heard in the past).

That's fucking harsh. Anyone who tells you that is being a dipshit. Unless your asshole is the size of a tub of peanut butter from Costco, it's tight enough. Any dipshit who tells you otherwise is being way too all-or-nothing. "You're either exactly what I want, or you're too loose."

Bullshit..
Different people find different things pleasurable. It was never said as an insult, and I never perceived it as such. It could always mean they weren't thick enough. :tongue:

We've talked about sleeping with other people, both together and separately, but I'm not sure whether it would help our relationship or draw us further apart. On the other hand, I think both of us feel that something has to be done.

I'm guessing your sex life is already creating distance between the two of you? Otherwise, you wouldn't feel like something has to be done.

My intuition is that the two of you are expecting a bit too much. Finding a great sexual match is rare. Finding a great sexual match who remains a great match is even rarer. You can, however, make a good match happen and persist. It involves loosening up, and usually a lot of it. It involves a lot of give-and-take. It involves doing something sexual for someone else. It means being okay with the fact that the act itself may not always bring you great pleasure, but finding pleasure instead in what it does for your partner.

I'm not saying you need to abandon all boundaries. Far from it, actually. But having a good sex life with your partner, whether it's open or monogamous requires a lot of persistence..
Maybe we are expecting too much, I don't know. I just know that what we have is not as pleasurable as what other couples I know have. Even if I overcame myself and fucked him, and even if he enjoyed it, there's still the problem of me not being satisfied...

I'd love to get some advice, hear how other people dealt with such a situation in the past, etc. I honestly have no idea how to overcome this obstacle.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh here; I'm trying to challenge your thinking in order to get you to loosen up a bit.

My guess is that you guys haven't overcome this obstacle because you're both stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. That's a very common thing for partners - I'm not saying it's just you. Far from it. And even very happy couples get trapped in that from time to time. But if you want to get out of it, you'll have to put a different kind of effort into it.
You're definitely not too harsh, and I'm glad you could point to a different perspective!
 

lildicky1234

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Has you sex life been awful since day one or did something happen in your relationship to cause the bad sex?

Bringing someone else into the bedroom might be a mistake and push the two of you farther away from each other, until the two of you work things out. You should try talking to your boyfriend, telling him what you like and don't like and let him tell you the same.
 
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D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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try helping each other find someone to share or join in ... either indivudally or together...

Look at it as "gifting" him what he needs sexually that you cannot give him ..

And see if he can feel the same way ...

If you can separate sex and love... this can solve the sexual satisfaction problems. And you can both honestly and openly discuss the plans, pursuits and outcomes of your casual encounters.

You may find this sharing will increase your sexual desires for each other... and finding ways other than penetration to sexually satisfy each other.


good luck

FP
 

davidjh7

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Ok, you say you feel the need to be penetrated, and you have truly enjoyed it in the past with other partners. You have no interest, it souns like, in toppng--it does nothing for you. My first question would be, what made the bottoming experience to good with those other partners? Was it the men themselves? was it their technique? Was it something about their dicks that scratched your itch? You have to first define YOURSELF what it is that gives you sexual pleasure. Once you figure this out, and if they are things that have to do with technique, then you can teach your partner. I promise you, unless your partner is completely selfish and self absorbed during sex, if you aren't enjoying it, he isn't enjoying it. People are thinking, feeling creatures--the feedback we get and give to our partners is what fuels the experience the most. So, CAN you define what excites you the most and gives you the most pleasure? If not, you need to do some self exploration to figure your body out first. Then you can help teach him. Good luck!
 

erratic

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It's hard to explain exactly why, I just have a very strong urge to be penetrated. Apparently I enjoy it with the right partners, but they seem to be scarce.

What's different about them? About the relationships you had with them?

Other than that, I enjoy sucking cock, and I do it a lot with my BF, but it's not enough for either of us.

I don't think one thing will ever be enough for anyone. If you rely on one act to get pleasure, you're in trouble...exactly the trouble you're in now.

If the physiological issue could be overcome, it does eventually boil down to my reluctance to do something I find very unappealing.

It sounds very much like a psychological issue - your reluctance - rather than a physiological one. You are absolutely in your rights to say you're not into topping. I'm sure as shit not into rimming. But it's all psychology.


I can't say what I'd think or feel in the future about it.

Rest assured that people tend to loosen up sexually, as they get older. Some people ossify, unfortunately, but most get excited by trying different stuff.

Maybe we are expecting too much, I don't know. I just know that what we have is not as pleasurable as what other couples I know have.

How do you know that?

Even if I overcame myself and fucked him, and even if he enjoyed it, there's still the problem of me not being satisfied...

Dude, you're looking for problems. Or you two just aren't compatible on a fundamental level, and you're trying to hang that on your sex life. If you guys aren't ready to expand your sexual repertoires yet (which I don't mean to say judgementally; people need to ease into these things), maybe it's not the time for you to be together.
 

Infernal

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It sounds lie you are just sexually incompatible. If the emotional connection there and is strong, then you need to communicate about it. Decide if you can handle an open relationship. Physically it may satisfy your needs, but emotionally it may be a much bigger problem.

My partner and I are no longer sexually compatible. I think we've had sex 3 times this year. I have a low sex drive, he has a fairly high sex drive. He likes things that I don't. There are some things I will do simply to satisfy him, there are others that I just won't do for him. We have an open relationship, and it honestly took a while to come to a mutual agreement about what is acceptable and what isn't. It's been worth it though. It removed a whole lot of stress from our relationship. We still have our issues like everyone else does, but those aren't as big as the other used to be.
 

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I've never been told I was "not tight enough"...quite the opposite, in fact...I've lost boyfriends because I was TOO tight. But if someone did say that to me, I think my reaction would be along the lines of "you mean like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? Perhaps the garage seems so large to someone driving a compact car...!"