Baby it ain't over till it's oooooo-ver

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by snoozan, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. snoozan

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    I have a question that's come up with a friend of mine, and thought I'd put it out here on LPSG. BTW, it is actually about a friend, even though I know you're all going to think it's about me because when questions are for a friend, they are usually for the poster. But for real, this is about a friend, so there's no need to send me PMs offering condolences about my divorce or whisper to each other about who is getting custody of the baby. Really.

    Anyway--

    A friend of mine has been seeing/talking to someone now for about a year, and it's gone generally really well from everything I've heard. Of course there were hiccups, but that's to be expected and it never sounded like anything out of the ordinary. They met online and haven't met in person. He's living abroad and she's in nursing school year-round and both of them have had very little money. Regardless of that, it seemed to be fairly serious and they talked online 3-4 times a day, emailed all the time, and talked on the phone a lot. From my perspective, they were pretty serious, albeit separated by circumstances.

    Now, a year later, the phone calls have stopped, the email has tapered off, and he's rarely online to chat anymore. She's asked him about it repeatedly, and he always shrugs it off and says he's extremely busy with school, which is altogether possible. She, of course, has been really upset and has asked me if she should just take this recent behavior to mean it's over or take him at his word and wait for things to get better.

    I have no idea what to say to her. I've never been in a long distance relationship, nor have I been in a situation where I've been left hanging like this.

    So this is both a general and a specific question-- first, how have you known it was over in your relationships, and second, can any of you give me some sage wisdom about how to help my friend?

    Oh, and by the way, this friend is not mercurialbliss or No_Strings, so calm down about that too. They are fine. :biggrin1: In fact, seeing them, a similar relationship in some way, work things out against many odds makes things even more confusing since I know the situations are similar in some ways, but not all.
     
  2. Osiris

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    Usually the distance thing gets tedious and suddenly someone walks in that is close by and you start spending time with them and ignoring the online interest.

    Here is where it gets ugly. The person doing the distancing will not admit it until the new relationship gets truly serious. They usually string the person along and then when the new relationship is a done deal, they lower the boom. On the flip side, if it fails, then they are back to the old behavior just as if nothing happened.

    I'd tell your friend to call the person on their disrespectful behavior, end it, move on and find someone IRL.

    Sorry if it sounds callous, but I've seen this pay out numerous times with numerous friends and the outcome was always the same.
     
  3. SpoiledPrincess

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    I don't think there's really any sage wisdom that can help your friend, she'll have to find her own way, but just by being there to listen to her helps. I've had a long distance relationship and while there's interest on both sides it's not hard to keep it going, but in the case of your friend that seems to have died down, I've observed that for some men the distance is the thing that interests them, and with this kind of guy it can be because he doesn't really want a relationship, just the potential of one, the fun and the online flirting. I've also seen online friendships that are hot and heavy for a year and they just peter out, real relationships generate things to talk about much more than online ones, in real life relationships you have shared friends, things you do together, that you can talk about, in online relationships they can tend to be a little static so they don't have any new input from outsiders. After a year maybe he feels he's said all there is to say and he's moved on? It's tough but I think it's much better if people do separate the net and real life until there's actual face to face contact, until you've actually met you never know if what you shared on the net was real.

    I don't think there's anything you can do except support her during a time when she must be feeling confused and hurt.
     
  4. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I remember a relationship I had in highschool. It just got to a point where it was over and I don't think either one of us was ready to let it go. The only difference was that we both wanted it to end and just didn't know how to do that.

    It doesn't seem like your friend is ready to let it go, Snoozan. She should speak to the guy about it. Maybe there is something that can be done. To be honest, I'm completely stumped on what to do. Maybe someone else will know.
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
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    Snoozan--this seems like the whole "he's just not that into you" thing. People often avoid having to directly tell someone they are not interested--so they avoid or ignore them. COnsequently, the person who has not been directly told that it is "over" does not believe it is, even in the face of no real relationship or communication.


    I never buy the "I've been busy" line from a romantic standpoint. People have time for what they want to have time for. Also -- remember that anyone can make themselves "appear offline" to specific users in both Yahoo and MSN (and on other programs).
     
  6. diamond

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    Well, I have dated on-line ( long distance) since May of last year, does it make me an expert, not so sure, but from reading what you wrote, I tend to agree with Lex, on this one....."he just isn't that into her".

    The reason why I believe this, is because whenever my partner goes away, for longer periods of time, I am told where, and why, and for how long. (It's always for business) Furthermore when he gets back we resume to our old chatting habits via the phone and internet ( twice a day at least).

    Furthermore there is a mutual understanding about where we want the relationship to go, and we are both on the same page. I tend to think that at some point when your friend has money they will have to meet....once they do it can be the most uplifting experience, or they will find out that there just isn't any chemistry and it will fizzle as quickly as it sizzled.

    hope this helps

    diamond
     
  7. naughty

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    Funny that someone would revisit this thread. I lately have been very busy on all fronts and I have been having online friends "confront" me with phone calls, emails and blistering IMs. The reality of my situation is that I AM EXHAUSTED. I am coming home these days now that my work schedule has changed to accomodate my caretaking responsibilities after 9 pm getting dinner and if I make to the computer basically sitting catotonic here in front of it. I do think that in normal circumstances people do avoid but sometimes life can become overwhelming.
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    Kim--the difference is that someone would know that you are taking care of family members and working long hours. I think that this situation is different.
     
  9. naughty

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    Workin&#039; up a good pot of mad!

    R,

    YOu would think so, but believe it or not I have had:

    1) People thinking I was avoiding them and didnt want to continue the friendship and just was making excuses.

    2) Asking third parties if they had done something to hurt my feelings.

    3) a combination of the two.

    These have all been from individuals who know what I am going through. I guess because the daily contact and intensity of interaction has lagged they can feel the difference and have begun to wonder.
     
  10. Lex

    Lex
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    Well, damn. I am sorry that you are having to sooth other's feelings while you are being so relied on my your loved ones. I hope things look up for you soon and that you are taking care of your OWN health. DO I need to start nagging you again?!? Cuz you KNOW I will...
     
  11. Principessa

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    I think Osiris nailed it. I have seen the situation play out exactly as he describes it here numerous times with friends.


     
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