Chris,
When we hurt, we often place the hurt somewhere else. I haven't gone back and read your original letter. I don't have to know. this post tells it all. You are 15 and have the body of an adult. But your emotions are a rollor coaster between being a child and being an adult. You can literally go back and forth.
Yes, you loved Nixxie, but you only knew him a week so so. In this post you give your real problem and it is serious, very serious. "Other guys or gals will come along and Nixxie wiil be a dime a dozen." Maybe and Maybe not.
BUT HOW MANY MOTHERS WILL YOU HAVE? This is what I really read into your thread. Your relationship with your mother has been shattered. A boy of 15 to have his relationship with his mother can and is usually more traumatic than any girlfriend relationship can be at age 15. Sure there are other Nixxies. But you mother whom you could trust has betrayed. you. I will go back and catch up with what all you have written.
You are out there all alone emotionally. The one person that you trusted has betrayed you in your mind.
BUT IN YOUR MOTHER'S EYES SHE HAS SAVED YOU. A mother whose 15 year old son is about to embark on a permanent relationship with a 20 year old man is going to raise the red flag for most mothers. Their instinct is to SAVE you. And they do anything to SAVE you that they can. Problem is: You didn't think you needed SAVING.
All of this hospital visit, suicide, cutting and burning is more ls more related to your relationship with your mother than Nexxie is my suspection.
Now cutting and burning is a fad. IT will not help solve you problem. Suicide only works the same way a shot gun heals cancer. If a person has cancer, if he blows his head off with a shotgun then in minutes all the cancer inside of him is dead. Cancer lives off the human body, it is kind of a parasite.
So it emotional trauma, the cure of suicide gets rid of the emotional trauma, but ends all possiblity of a life worth enjoying later. How about kids, a successful career. A wonderful romance down the road. It is all there waiting unless you cut it short and end it all.
AT this point you can't trust your mother, so why should you trust me. Why should you be willing to send e-mails to me and see what I have to say?
Because you are searching, you need ideas and input for many people so you get the whole picture.
Also, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU CAN DEPEND ON YOUR MOTHER TO DO WHAT SHE THINKS IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU. It is just that you two don't agree on what that is. You can depend on your mother to still do what she thinks is the best for you. In other areas of your life, she is still dependable. And I bet she would walk in front of a truck to save your life. I doubt anyone loves you more than your mother. Let me say it one more time. YOU TWO JUST DON"T AGREE THAT YOU NEEDED SAVING.
Contact me if I can help or you just want to ask questions from me. I have spent 30 years working with teenagers. I don't have all the answers, but I have played the organ for one suicide. It was useless that it happened. Unncessary. A life lost that had such potential.
I really think I can help. I understand young people. You have everything to be gained and nothing to lose by contancting me. I live in the South a region in the United States. Pretty big region. Freddie is my internet name. So you don't have to worry. You don't know where I live. And you don't need to tell me where you live. Then you can trust me and my answers as coming from a man with a lot of experience you really wants to help you.
Freddie
Originally posted by hung_big@Feb 20 2005, 07:16 PM
AHAHA...aww PNG...you're so cute and helpful. At least you made me smile. In any case, check out the letter I wrote. It doesn't necessarily mean I will go through with it, but I think it is one of my better works:
Ironic isn’t it? Life, I mean. Life is full of surprises, most of which are unwelcome. People say youÂ* will adjust – be happy – with time, despite initial responses. Time heals all wounds, they assert. I couldn’t disagree more. Absenteeism makes the heart fonder; it makes the spirit desire exactly what it can’t have. At the moment my life is lacking. What may I require you might ask? I say, everything.
At present I have nothing to be envied, nothing to be proud of, nothing to boast or even be content with. My life is meaningless; it has no significance. Not only am I going through personal issues and fighting demons of my own, but a reassurance and comfort I once had was shredded and wrenched away from me.
Ironically the one person that I could trust and who claims to love me, is the one person who seized that one affirmation in my life, at a time when it was the only thing I desired – that I longed for. My own mother betrayed my trust and my confidence in her.
I used to be able to speak with certainty my every secret to her and trust her to stay loyal and caring for me, no matter what. Now everything has changed. I have always maintained that my family relationships and closeness have been an admirable quality in my life, but it now feels like I can only close up further. Nobody could ever comprehend my situation, and yet even if somebody could, they would never be able to help me.
I’m so tired of being here – in this world. So corrupt. So uptight. So unsympathetic. There are some things that time cannot erase. This pain is too deep to just vanish. This hurt is too profound for time to heal. I only know one thing that could ever make me feel like I merit or amount to anything, and yet I can never, by any means have it. I can’t be bothered to live in a world where everybody is so distrustful of everyone else. What is the point of living? What is the point of torturing myself further?
My mother was someone I loved. I loved and still love the person that made me happy. She took that person away from me. Now I have nobody to love and nobody to love me. Again I ask, what is the point of existing? I am only tormenting myself. I have nothing…
Someone once said to me “Suicide is a permanent fix for a temporary problemâ€. I believed him at first; it made sense to me. But then I began thinking, what if your life is a permanent problem – a constant struggle? What if you have nobody or nothing to live for? What if you are only dejected and constantly fighting your desires – trying to convince yourself not to harm your own body? To me, suicide is an enduring fix to an everlasting problem.
“The sorrowful are oblivious to the pain of suicide; it is only but reprieve for themâ€
Chris
What do you think?
[post=284779]Quoted post[/post]
