"Back-up plan"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Leotols Toy, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2009
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Is it logical to think if someone tells you that they imagine getting married and having kids with you and never getting tired of you, but they just don't want to settle down now and explore things, that this could be a back up plan?

    I can't help but feel this way, but she swears it's not like that and she's just scared of commitment right now. She gets really emotional when ever I say that's how I think of it. She really means a lot to me and obviously the same for her, but it's confusing for me
     
  2. eyescream

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    (Nomadic...relocating again very soon)
    I have commitment issues and guys who talk about marriage and kids make me want to runaway from them. What do you mean by she doesn't want to "explore things"? Do you mean sex or are you talking about life after marriage?

    I would say you sound like her back-up plan. Sort of like the kind of good guy every girl dreams about but never falls in love with.

    On the other hand, it could be a financial or stability issue. If you have everything she wants like a house, car maybe, etc. then she might be more willing to settle down as soon as possible.
     
  3. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2009
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Around a year ago she got out of a relationship where she missed out on a lot of things in high school and is afraid of just being stuck in any relationship I guess. I meant she wants to explore things, not sexually, but like just do things she wants to do. Like if she moves, she doesn't want a guy to influence that or any other choice.

    Also, I never bring up marriage or kids mainly because I enjoy being single and enjoying life, I find it confusing for someone to say that. I'm just trying to see if it from her perspective. She's usually the one to talk about the future and those things
     
    #3 D_Leotols Toy, Mar 5, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  4. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    You told her this too, right, that you enjoy being single? Just keep being honest with her, and she will let you know if she wants to complicate it for you. It might be that she is trying not to tie you down by saying contradictory things like that. It's hard from here on the Internets to tell which of those stances is her real one.
     
  5. eyescream

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    (Nomadic...relocating again very soon)
    Nobody who has a fear of commitment will bring up talk about the future, and I speak from first-hand experience.:biggrin1:

    Way I see it, she wants a future with you but is trying not to freak you out so she balances it off by saying she's scared of commitment. That way, you will question how serious she is about you (which is pretty much what you're doing right now) and it will tie you down quicker.

    Also, if you're using the words 'high school' and 'last year' in the same sentence, how realistic is talking about marriage and kids?:eek:
     
  6. L_Lynn

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2009
    Messages:
    517
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Oregon
    Verified:
    Photo
    I had a back-up plan. It was a good friend that agreed to marry me if neither of us found someone else to marry by age 30. We had never had a romantic relationship (by my choice) but I did recognize that he would make an excellent husband and we had a lot in common. I'd consider that a "back-up plan."

    If I am understanding you correctly, you and she have a romantic relationship. It sounds to me that she is just acknowledging that she would like that in her future and she could see it happening with you, but she is just not ready for it now. And rightly so. As eyescream said, if you are discussing high school as a recent thing, you are both young to be making that kind of commitment anyway.
     
  7. hud01

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2009
    Messages:
    5,262
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    new york city
    You are 20 years old, don't sweat it. The odds of a marriage surviving when you are 20 is something like 25%. Relax and wait for the right time.
     
  8. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2009
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yea the thoughts of marriage and getting serious don't necessarily worry me and I don't put too much thought into it really, I just found it confusing.

    I'm in my 3rd year of college now and her in her 4th so high school wasn't too recent, but yea we've had a romantic relationship for a long time now and people just don't see why we don't date, so I guess hearing it from other people makes me question it and put more complexity onto the situation.

    My mind works in an overly analytic fashion, so I probably complicate things worse for myself then anyone else even could.

    And yes she knows I enjoy being single and she does too, but we like each others company, and there are times we both miss relationships so it goes back and forth since commitment freaks us both out.
     
  9. Rikter8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2005
    Messages:
    4,488
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    51
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MI
    Exactly. I wouldn't even consider marriage at 20 years old.
    Good lord, wait till your like 26-28yrs old and through college. Then you can settle down!
     
  10. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2009
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    The thread wasn't necessarily geared towards whether I want to get married or not -furthest thought from my mind at the moment. But I don't want to keep liking a person or even considering dating if that feelings not reciprocated. I just mentioned that to show each end of the spectrum and why I'm confused.
     
  11. hud01

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2009
    Messages:
    5,262
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    new york city
    You have stated that she likes you. Time will give you the answer as to how much.

    The odds are you will date another 10 or 15 women before you find the one.
     
    #11 hud01, Mar 5, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  12. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2009
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Good point.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted