Bad Break Ups Often Lead to Depression and Stalkers

[NCbear]

]i once had a strictly non-sexual friendship with a girl which morphed into an emotional relationship from hell with a really fucked-up poor little insane bitch ... i started off being too nice and helpful and considerate and then she got hooked and dependent and demanding and controlling and judgemntal and interfering ... i had to call it off many times in person by phone and by email and she still woulddnt get the message ... i kept not responding or sending shorter messages but that made her send longer ones until finally i sent a one word message 'stop' and then she did stop emailing me but she still stalked me ... she would not let go or close even though i never promised her anything[/FONT]
(actually i've had this problem with a couple of girls ... i dont know why ... because i'm always upfront about being gay)

You sound like me. In grad school, a similar type of woman "selected" me as her "best friend." After strenuous attempts to decline the "honor," I gave up and let her spend time with me. For about two years, off and on. Yes, I was weak.

I eventually had to tell her the truth--that I'd always thought she was crazy, from day one--before she became offended and broke the "friendship" off with me.

NCbear (who's damned glad he found a way to get rid of her)

 

[str82fcuk]

You sound like me. In grad school, a similar type of woman "selected" me as her "best friend." After strenuous attempts to decline the "honor," I gave up and let her spend time with me. For about two years, off and on. Yes, I was weak. I eventually had to tell her the truth--that I'd always thought she was crazy, from day one--before she became offended and broke the "friendship" off with me. NCbear (who's damned glad he found a way to get rid of her)

lucky you. when I told this 'friend' she was crazy that just set her off even more sending long emails complaining about my insensitive choice of words. I guess I am not very good at making or choosing friends maybe because I am always so outspoken about being gay (even tho' I never go to gay clubs) that I always just attract these girls who want someone sensitive with absolutely no chance of there ever being anything sexual ....

anyway after several years of 'friendship' in which all I did was give give give listen listen listen help help help and after also having the added complications of her parents and her alcoholic boyfriend I finally grew enough balls to cut her off ... somebody should have given me lessons in friendship but at least I did learn a lot from that nightmare

 

[NCbear]

Well, think of it this way: SHE GONE NOW. :tongue:

:high five:

NCbear (who still is damned glad he thought of a way to get rid of his needy, clingy, obsessive-compulsive, codependent "friend")

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

Relationships between people who are prone to depression or who have the personality to be stalkers often lead to bad break ups.

Did I just blow your mind?

 

[petewentzlover]

im usually the asshole when it comes to breaking up idk why but i am

 

[bottombuddy]

if your with someone for 14 years......do you tell them one day you love them then the very next day leave them?.........this happened to me approx 8 months ago and caused a great deal of stress and worry to me as i dont have answers as to why......ocassionally we still chat but i am not allowed under any circumstances to ask why he left which is very very frustrating for me.........i consider myself a good guy and gave 100% sexually,emotionally and financially throught our time together.....i cant get any answers why he left and i feel it is bad for anyone to do this to someone they "supposedly loved" as their is no closure really..........after almost 8 months totally alone ive taken steps to move on and put the past 14 years behind me and by joining this forum im hopefully putting myself in the favourable position of making a fresh start and finding someone new........please folks if your leaving your loved one the best you can do is explain to them why you made your choice and dont leave them in limbo wondering why.

 

[lafever]

There are no victims, only volunteers. The majority of the friends that i have who complain about being dumped aren`t willing to look at the part they played in the relationship and thus are doomed to repeat the same stupid crap.
I have some friends who will dump you in a heart beat for fear of rejection or comitment, they can`t seem to make their mind up on which.
People only stalk because chances are the person their stalking treats them like shit and for some sick reason the person stalking feels that`s what they deserve.


lafever

 

[Principessa]

There are no victims, only volunteers. BULLSHIT!

The majority of the friends that i have who complain about being dumped aren`t willing to look at the part they played in the relationship and thus are doomed to repeat the same stupid crap.

I have some friends who will dump you in a heart beat for fear of rejection or comitment, they can`t seem to make their mind up on which. Aren't these usually the same men who end up being stalked or at the very least harassed?They don't know how to break up! They give no reason, warning , or closure to the dumpee.

People only stalk because chances are the person they're stalking treats them like shit and for some sick reason the person stalking feels that`s what they deserve. lafever

Really? Thats's what you believe? Okay, I can't change your silly little opinion. :tongue: But you are soo wrong. :biggrin1:

 

[simcha]

I love this topic njqt!

I ALWAYS break up face to face. I point out the difficulties that we have been having together. I tell them how I feel about the relationship and why I don't feel it is working anymore. I give them a chance to tell me what they think of me, and that's rarely pleasant.

Closure is absolutely important. And sometimes this strategy has yielded friends down the line. I have exes who actually speak to me and still like me. That doesn't always happen.

It's really too bad more men aren't good at breaking up with a partner. I think a lot of it has to do with being afraid of hurting the other person, and even just bad communication skills. Believe me, you do a favor for the one with whom you are ending a relationship if you meet and talk it through. You get closure, the other gets closure, and then both of you can move on with clean slates.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Really? Thats's what you believe? Okay, I can't change your silly little opinion. :tongue: But you are soo wrong. :biggrin1:

I have friends who stalk people. In fact, I have gone out with them while they were on stalkingmissions. I have driven the get-away vehicles, I have waited with cab drivers, I have spoken to new fiancees and wives, I have helped guess paswords, I have stood guard while vandalism occurred. I have tried talking them out of it, I have tried calling the cops on us. I have had many, many lengthy conversations.

And his reasons are sooo, sooo right. These beautiful, dynamic, intelligent, resourceful, seemingly normal women went nuts, and though they could not see it, they were stalking men who abused them, lied to them, disrespected and disreguarded them. The worsethese men treated them, the more likely they were going to be stalked. Why? Clearly my friends didn't believe they deserved better.

All but one have broken out of this sick habit, and the one that hasn't just seems to miss the days when she didn't know where her man was. She now has a good husband who never hits her, comes home every night, helps with their baby, buys her whatever she wants (or encourages her to buy it herself which is the same thing really since nearly all of their money is really from her dowry) and protects her from harm. He's not perfect by any means, but a woman could do a lot worse. But she's still stalking her ex. We thought she'd stopped years ago around the time all the other girls outgrew stalking, around the time she got engaged, or at least by the time she got married and she and her husband got busy running the store her parents gave them as a wedding present. But no. She's not done. A friend of mine went out with her a few months ago, and it turned out the restaurant this woman picked (which was awful and over-priced) was owned by the ex we used to help her stalk!

Why is she still stalking this man? Because she never felt she deserved to be as happy as she is. She had a hard time conceiving, and spent years and hundreds of thousands getting pregnant. And no sooner did she come home with a healthy baby, than she started stalking the ex again. I know this girl, and KNOW it to be FACT that if she were suitably miserable inher marriage she could finally be unhappy enough to stop looking for her ex's new businesses, and stop following he and his wife around like a creepy psycho.

 

[str82fcuk]

if your with someone for 14 years......do you tell them one day you love them then the very next day leave them?.........this happened to me approx 8 months ago and caused a great deal of stress and worry to me as i dont have answers as to why......ocassionally we still chat but i am not allowed under any circumstances to ask why he left which is very very frustrating for me.........i consider myself a good guy and gave 100% sexually,emotionally and financially throught our time together.....i cant get any answers why he left and i feel it is bad for anyone to do this to someone they "supposedly loved" as their is no closure really..........after almost 8 months totally alone ive taken steps to move on and put the past 14 years behind me and by joining this forum im hopefully putting myself in the favourable position of making a fresh start and finding someone new........please folks if your leaving your loved one the best you can do is explain to them why you made your choice and dont leave them in limbo wondering why.

sometimes closure is possible and sometimes its not ... if it is possible it should be given ... if it is not given (and in any case even if it is given)
one should absolutely give closure to oneself

 

[bottombuddy]

thanks str82fcuk.......in this instance closure wasnt given by the ex and has taken me these good few months to realise answers wont be forthcoming so its oly me that can make the closure.....i guess as he was only the 2nd person id ever met and a long 14 yr relationship together it was the least id expected to happen.........if i were in his shoes id honestly feel sooooo bad about ending things so..........to be honest i feel ive been sortoff used but im not going to dwell on it - maybe my next move should be to stop answering his phonecalls as i feel im getting checked dailly not because he cares anymore but he wants to know what im upto!!..but im not allowed to ask what hes doing or reasons why?......i find it a bizarre situation really how he is behaving.

 

[rob_just_rob]

What I want to know from everyone is this:

1. When you break up with a person, how do you do it?
2. Do you have a standard technique?
3. Does the technique vary depending on certain variables, such as duration of relationship, cheating (by either of you), or something else.
4. Do you plan the break up or do you just blurt it out over the dinner one night at home?

How oddly appropriate that this topic came up.

1. In person, assuming that we've had more than a couple of dates. I try to sit down and talk seriously with her, explaining why I feel this way. I try to effect closure without leaving hope where there isn't any. I remain calm, and refuse to be drawn into yes-you-did-no-I-didn't arguments. I'll try to choose the place, but I don't really try to conduct a breakup in a public place to deter "scenes", despite being told this can be a good idea.

2. Not really. I haven't broken up with so many people that I have a standard approach. Everyone is different, anyway.

3. Yes; see above.

4. I plan it, or try to.

 

[titan1968]

Njqt, I believe that this is an oversimplification of the issues. Wars are fought by men, but greed is at the root of them. Are you implying that all women are maternal or selfless and thus incapable of feeling greed? With regard to the hole in the ozone layer, we could also put the blame on women. For decades, women were buying hairspray which used to be full of CFCs, which are harmful to the ozone layer.

Men are men and women are women (there are also the differences within the sexes). Our differences do cause heartaches, but they also make our lives much richer. Unfortunately, there are still women who think they can change their man, but they are labouring under a misapprehension. If they truly love their man, they should accept him-- faults and all-- and not try to change him. If they cannot accept him, they have the wrong guy.

I do believe that the assumption that bad break ups lead to depression and stalking is correct; I have experienced it too many times (the depression, not the stalking), and in those instances I felt the need to clutch at straws, but this did not happen when my ex and I parted on good terms.

Breaking up is hard for both parties and it should be done tactfully. I hate it when the other party fails to contact me or does not respond to my messages. Who are they trying to protect? It is better to know the truth, then to live a lie, is it not?

A moral obligation hahahaha.:biggrin1:ROTFLMAO:tongue: If only a man could think like a woman there would be no wars, hunger, or hole in the ozone.

Unfortunately, I think many Americans not just men have no sense of morals and feel obligated to no one but themselves.

 

[lafever]

Really? Thats's what you believe? Okay, I can't change your silly little opinion. :tongue: But you are soo wrong. :biggrin1:

There are no victoms only volunteers, yes that`s what i believe. You`ll attract what you project, so basically you get what your body language is saying.

lafever

 

[The Dragon]

I was dating a man for 9 months and I was smitten. We never argued and we where having wonderful sex.
We where together on the Sunday and on Monday he fell off the face of the planet. No phone call, no e-mail and I didn't rate a 25 cent txt message.
There was no CLOSURE
Fast forward 1 and half months - A mutual friend tells me that the ex had moved his new girl friend and her two small children into his house and they had been seeing each other for 4 months.
It seems that I was the bit on the side (like a order of fries)
I was gutted, and I doubted myself for along time afterwards.
I had wondered what I had done wrong, that I wasn't pretty enough and I wasn't good enough at sex.
I didn't stalk him but I did curl up into a ball and I did cry alot.
I haven't been in a serious relationship for three years and have devoted my efforts in being good at my job with the occasional playmate to quench the fire in my blood.

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

You were with him 9 months and didn't know where he lived? I would have been worried about a person I had been seeing that long and tried to find out if something bad had happened to them. If you weren't able to because you didn't have any good contact information for him 9 months into the relationship, I'd say that's a good sign he was emotionally unavailable.

 

[The Dragon]

I knew where he lived but I didn't want charge over there and be pushy.
I had tried to phone him and txt him but he never answered.

 

[Principessa]

There are no victims only volunteers, yes that`s what i believe. You`ll attract what you project, so basically you get what your body language is saying.

lafever

The last man I was involved with was a divorced father of 2, and a doctor (family practitioner) who made house calls. Before that I dated a dentist who specialized in maxillofacial surgery. So by your reasoning I attract MD's because I really want to be a doctor? Nope, not really.

 

[Ethyl]

I haven't been in a serious relationship for three years and have devoted my efforts in being good at my job with the occasional playmate to quench the fire in my blood.

I'm sorry to hear about your shock and pain. I was in the same place for a couple years. I thought, at one point, that I just wasn't good at relationships and keeping my distance was the wiser move. Healing takes time when another person's actions cause us to question our judgment. One does what is necessary to endure the trauma and survive, no?