BAD JOKES II

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Imported, Jun 17, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    Finedessert: With all the posts to the BAD JOKES it seems that the system was over loaded and new posts didn't get posted.....This was such a popular thread, it would be a shame to let it die, hence this new thread BAD JOKES II.

    So again let me be the first to post to it.

    Grandpa
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    LOL, Grandpa, and I thought my jokes weren't bad enough since they wouldn't post!

    Good idea!

    Pecker
     
  3. Imported

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    Finedessert: Tom the Drunk

    Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

    "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

    "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

    The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

    At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

    Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

    Grandpa
     
  4. Imported

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    Finedessert: I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

    So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a dick with a badge. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a piece of shit.

    He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 10 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the
    corner...

    Grandpa
     
  5. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

    Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    So the next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

    Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

    Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

    Pecker
     
  6. johnstone1985

    johnstone1985 New Member

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    One of my 5 year old nephews told me this joke, and he found it absolutely hillarious, so I thought I should share...

    What kind of Bee can you get milk from?

    A BooBEE!


    ::)
     
  7. Imported

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    Finedessert: OLD LOVERS

    An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"

    "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

    "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

    "Oooooooo Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
    He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'

    So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, take
    her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.

    She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

    This goes on for about forty minutes!

    She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!"
    He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
    This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

    Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

    He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

    He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

    The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

    As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?

    You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

    "No, there's no secret," the old man says," except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

    Grandpa
     
  8. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
    The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, his treat.

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke and put it on his bill.
    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
    Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
    Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!!"
     
  9. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

    The little boy uncovers an earthworm emerging from its hole.

    He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

    The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it's straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.

    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

    The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

    The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

    Pecker
     
  10. Imported

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    RedheadedSpdFrk: A man enters his favorite restaurant and sits at his regular table.

    Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

    The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there," indicating to him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read:

    "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own to the lady.

    It read:

    "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage; plus............. I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
     
  11. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A woman posts the following ad in the news paper...

    'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up or run away from me and is great in bed.'

    She gets lots of phone calls replying to her ad but meets the perfect guy at her door one day.

    The man says, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

    The lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

    Bob replies, "How do you think I rang the door bell?"


    Pecker
     
  12. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

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    From his underground bunker, Saddam Insane sent George W. a letter in his own writing to announce that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a coded message:


    370HSSV-0773H

    George W. couldn't figure it out so he emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked the Mossad in Israel for help. Captain Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:



    "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
     
  13. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Count Dracula is on the pull in London.

    He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.

    Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. But when he looks down he sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks, that's odd!

    A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

    He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. Strange!!

    A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!

    He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. Not even the sound of crickets.

    He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese, a pickle and a little squiggle of yellow cellophane.

    On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young blonde female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"

    She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer."

    Pecker
     
  14. Imported

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    H8Monga: On the news tonight, they reported about a guy who found a 6" fry and sold it on ebay. After that segment was over, sports was next and the sports anchor said "That must have been the biggest thing he'd ever seen." A few seconds of silence among everyone as the guy looks directly at the camera. It took a second for it to hit me... THAT was a bad joke.
     
  15. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman.

    The next day the headlines read:

    "Nut Bolts and Screws".

    Pecker
     
  16. Imported

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    RedheadedSpdFrk: Spandex Speedos
    **********************
    Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

    "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

    The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking-new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato, and for cryin' out loud -- it's worse than before!

    Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

    "Geezzzzz!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front, Dude!"
     
  17. Imported

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    RedheadedSpdFrk: Penis Raise Request

    I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labor
    I work at great depths
    I plunge head first into everything I do
    I do not get weekends off or public holidays
    I work in a damp environment
    I don't get paid overtime
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
    I work in high temperatures
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases

    Dear Penis,

    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
    You do not work 8 hours straight
    You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team
    You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
    You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
    You'll retire well before reaching 65
    You're unable to work double shifts
    You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    The Management
     
  18. jonb

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    Oh, beautiful for spacious thighs
    O'er rayon waves of hair
    For pubic mountain's majesty
    Ne'er known the touch of Nair
    A mer-er-kin, a mer-er-kin
    Man did the curls on thee
    To try and hide the way inside
    Prudes don't want to see
     
  19. Ralexx

    Ralexx Member

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    PARENTS !! Read this !!!
    Rather blackish humour, but... :D

    * * *

    Dear mom and dad,

    The guide told us to better write home, maybe you saw on TV the floods here and maybe you were worried. We're fine. The floods took only one tent and two beds. Fortunately, nobody drowned because we were all on the mountain, searching for Chris. Oh, yes, call Chris's mother and tell her we're all right. Chris cannot write because he broke his hand. We found him using the jeep of the rangers. It was great !! We would have never found him in that storm without the lightenings. Our guide, Victor, got very angry because Chris left us without saying where he was going. Chris says he did tell us, but that was during the great fire on our camp, so Victor maybe didn't hear. Did you know that if you pour fuel in the fire - an entire gallon - it explodes ?!? The humid wood was not burning, anywaym but one of the tents did. And our clothes too. Danny will look funny until his hair will grow back on his head. We'll return Saturday if Victor manages to fix the car. It wasn't his fault. The breaks were OK when we left. Victor says that with such an old car, something is always broking down. Maybe that's why he has no inssurance for it. I like the car, it's a cool car ! And Victor is not upset if we carry mud on our boots, in his automobile. (I spelled it right, mum, no ?) When we were driving it was damn hot ; you know, it seems to be too much heat with 14 persons in back of the same car. Everything was fine until a cop stopped us.

    Our guide is cool. He teaches Tudor how to drive on mountain routes, where there's no traffic. All we can see here are huge trucks carrying wood. This morning, everybody was jumping from the cliffs into the lake - I wasn't allowed because I can't swim. Chris had a broken hand, so me and him, we got in boat and sailed on the lake. It was cool. One could see the trees ravaged by the floods. Victor is not grumpy, like all the guys I know, he let us use the boat even if there were some holes in it. He must fix the car and we're glad to not causing him any trouble. Guess whaaaat ??!!! We were awarded with nice badges for being the best pupils at a medical course ! When Danny cut his hand with the ax, we learned how to make a suture on his veins ! Well, me and Marius, we both puked for half-an-hour, but our guide said that maybe the chicked we had for breakfast was a bit rotten. The guide told us that when he was in prison, the food was very bad. I'm glad he got out. He says that, from now on, he must do the things the right way. By the way, what's that a "paedophile" ?
    I must go now. We're going to the village to post the letters and to buy some lube. Don't worry, we're fine.

    Love, Michael

     
  20. Imported

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    wvalady1968: Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......

    He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."

    She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

    I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

    "Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

    On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on."

    She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

    Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

    Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."

    He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

    Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

    :D :D :D :D
     
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