BAD JOKES II

[13788]

wvalady1968: Someone emailed this to me last week:
THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND!

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me
miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

:-* :-*

 

[13788]

throb919: This may be really, really old...but I just got it in an e-mail today:


A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All want is a drink." The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

 

[13788]

wvalady1968:

 

[Pecker]

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than Salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and then conked the sturgeon with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster.

But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam, sharking the blackened snapper.

The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. When they went to give him the great white news they became very shad because he was now a bottomfeeder on squid row.

 

[jonb]

Err....Venus is hotter than Mercury.

 

[Pecker]

spoil sport

 

[Pecker]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:

"Watch that fucking wall!"

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

This one you may have heard about, then again who knows. Anyways here it is:


An old man was sitting at a bench in the park, feeding the pigeons. Then a young man with wildly colored spiked hair sat down next to him.

The old man looked at him in awe and amazement for a moment or two, when the young man said,

"What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild and crazy when you were my age??"

"Sure!' the old man said,"Twenty years ago, I fucked a parrot and I thought you were my kid!"

 

[13788]

wvalady1968: Question: Why do men name their dicks?

Answer: So the major decisions in their lives won't be made by a complete stranger.

 

[13788]

sammygirly: A young woman asks her mother, Mom, how many kind of penises are there?

The mother, surprised, answers; Well, daughter, a man goes through four phases.
In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
In his fifties,
it is like a pine, soft and weak. In his sixties, it's like a Christmas tree;

A Christmas tree?

Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only

 

[jdoe86]

good one sammy. Here is one...it is VERY bad:

What do you call a guy who cums to fast?
A premature ejaculator

What do you call a guy who cries for his mommy when he cums?
An immature ejaculator

I know...very very very bad, but I had to tell it.

 

[Pecker]

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.

Just last night she called me from a hotel.

Pecker

(I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win)

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

This one is one if the better bad jokes that I do remember:

A man is walking along the beach, when he stumbles onto a lamp. He picks it up and rubs it when a genie pops out.
"I will grant you three wishes for your kindness, but be warned; whatever wish you make, your wife will get ten times over."

So the
man says, "For my first wish, I'd like to be handsome. " In an instant, the man is handsome, and at that same time, his wife has become ten times as beautiful as she was.
"For my second wish, I'd like to be rich." In an instant, the man is rich, Again his wife has become ten times as rich as him.

"For my third wish, " the man says, " I'd like to have a mild heart attack." ;D

 

[Ralexx]

- Granny !! May I play with your breasts ?
- Yes darling, but don't leave the courtyard !

 

[13788]

wvalady1968: I read this one in a novel last week.

IS God a male or a female?

God is male. If God was female, cum would taste like chocolate.

 

[Pecker]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about shooting her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

 

[13788]

wvalady1968:

g r o a n

That is TRULY bad! :-/



[snicker]
​

 

[13788]

RedheadedSpdFrk: A lazy young man walked into the local welfare office,
marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate
drawing welfare.
I would REALLY rather find a job."

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his lovely
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a
black Mercedes limo. Your suits, shirts and ties are
provided. Because of the long hours required, meals
will also be provided and you will also be needed to
escort the young lady on overseas holidays trips. The
salary package starts at $200,000 a year plus
unlimited use of a credit card."

The young man blurted out, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Well, you started it"

 

[13788]

wvalady1968: LMAO!!!

Hey!! This is supposed to be a thread for BAD jokes!!

 

[13788]

RedheadedSpdFrk: Why Math is Taught in School
(Written By A Very Wise MAN)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Flip one off? ....... I think not.