BAD JOKES II

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wvalady1968: Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

;)
 
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headbang8: [quote author=wvalady1968 link=board=99;num=1055857748;start=40#41 date=09/05/03 at 07:50:23]Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

;)[/quote]

Hate to be a spoil sport, but if you were to be grammatically correct in this particular case, he'd be well-hanged.
 

jonb

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine = "la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine = "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3 Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1 In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2 They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3 They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4 As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 

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A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower came back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"
 
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RedheadedSpdFrk: What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving MORE than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give OVER
100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And.......,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top Everytime.
 
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RedheadedSpdFrk: Breeding Bulls...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more then twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he should make a full recovery.
 
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RedheadedSpdFrk: Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of 3 to 6 a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:

                          SLOW:
            SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

                      SLOW:
              CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called everyday for 3 weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to do anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiousity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go, I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

                      NUDIST COLONY:
    Go slow and watch out for the chicks!
 
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wvalady1968: A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around.'"
 
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petite_girl: A mother was making a no-bake cheesecake for her 3 sons when she accidentally knocked over a box of bb's into the cake while reaching for something. She shrugged it off, knowing that the bb's were nontoxic. She proceeded to feed the cheesecake to her 3 sons (aged 6, 10 and 17).

A few hours later, her youngest son came running up to her. "Mommy Mommy! I went peepee and bb's came out!" She reassured him that it was ok and told him to go back to playing.

A little bit after that, her middle son came up to her. "Mom? I went to the bathroom and crapped out some bb's" She reassured her 2nd son and sent him back to his homework.

Now, it was starting to get dark outside when her oldest son came in from the backyard. "Mom? I was outside masturbating, and I shot the cat."
 
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oldman9x7: Everything comes around. My grandkids used to come in and tell me the same jokes that were told when I was in their grade at school.

BTW the story about the breeding bulls was repeated far and wide during Calvin Coolidge's administration. The man and wife were made out to be "Silent" Cal and his wife at the state fair. It's still a cute story.

Gramps
 

Pecker

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his cell phone and dials 911.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The 911 dispatcher says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 

jay_too

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Corporate America




The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, today, in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

Buying a stronger whip.

Changing riders.

Appointing a committee to study the horse.

Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.

Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.


Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than live horses.

And of course my personal favorite...........

Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
 
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nsh001: Tony Blair, Bill Clinton and the Duke of Edinburgh happen to have gone to the toilet together at an international conference. They're standing next to each other at the urinals.

Tony Blair: "Look at mine, it's 9 inches!"

Bill Clinton: "Pah, that's nothing, look, mine's 12 inches!"

D of E: "Harrumph, that's pathetic.  Here's mine ... 19 inches"

All: "God Save The Queen!"


Note: (just in case anyone doesn't know) the D of E is the Queen's husband
 

jay_too

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A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how
he's feeling.

"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's
pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a
guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season, but one day he's in a
bit
of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's
walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush
in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes
the handle, and *BAM* the beaver drops dead in front of him."

That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have
shot that beaver!"

"Exactly," said the doctor
 

jay_too

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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T