Bad Jokes III

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Pecker, May 26, 2004.

  1. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Mar 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Wet Dream
    by Kip Addotta

    It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
    I was driving in downtown Atlantis
    My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was
    So I pulled into a Shell station
    They said I'd blown a seal
    I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay

    While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
    bar -- a real dive
    But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
    I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
    You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

    Think I had a wet dream
    Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
    Wet dream...

    Gil was also down on his luck
    Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
    I gullied up to the sandbar
    He poured the usual
    Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
    With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
    I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
    I was feeling good
    I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the

    Well, the place was crowded
    We were packed in like sardines
    They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
    what sole
    Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted
    And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
    Probably there to see the bass player

    One of them was this cute little yellowtail
    And she's giving ME the eye
    So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
    You know -- a piece of Pisces

    But she said things I just couldn't fathom
    She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
    Boy, could she drink
    She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
    I said, "What's your sign?"
    She said, "Aquarium"
    I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"


    I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
    I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
    She threw me that same old line
    "Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

    And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking
    haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
    He was covered with mussels
    He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling
    around here"
    What a crab
    This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

    I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
    Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was
    already on the phone to the cods
    The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
    I catch him with a left hook
    He eels over
    It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel

    I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
    Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
    She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
    "What's your name?"
    I said, "Marlin"


    Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
    I took her to dinner
    I took her to dance
    I bought her a bouquet of flounders
    And then I went home with her
    And what did I get for my trouble?
    A case of the clams
  2. jonb

    Gold Member

    Oct 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Once in the middle of the night, Inktomi woke up in a cold sweat. His friend Coyote was visiting and asked him "Tanhansi, what's wrong?"

    "I had a very bad dream."

    "Well, what did you dream of?"

    "I dreamt I saw a pretty young lady about to take a bath in the stream."

    "It doesn't sound like a bad dream."

    "She was taking all her clothes off. I saw her naked, and she had a fine body."

    "Kola, this is not a bad dream!"

    "I dreamt I was hiding behind some bush at quite a distance from her. As I was watching her, my penis began to grow. It grew exceedingly long. It was winding toward her like a long snake."

    "Tanhansi, there is nothing wrong with this dream."

    "Wait, it gets worse, my penis was like a long, long rope. It went all the way over to the girl. It went into the water. It touched her."

    "Tanhansi, let me tell you, I wish I had such a dream!"

    "Now, mikola, the tip of my penis entered that girl. She didn't even notice at first."

    "Kola, I'm telling you, this is a fine dream!!!"

    "Wait, it gets worse. My penis entered the girl all the way. She liked it a lot."

    "This is as good a dream as I've ever heard of, mikola!"

    "Just at that moment, I heard a big nose. I had been so excited I hadn't noticed a team of horses pulling a big wagon. It was right on top of me, a washichu's wagon. It was coming at a dead run. It was heavy, with wheels of iron. It came between me and that girl."

    "Mikola, you were right: That is indeed a very bad dream."
  3. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

    May 10, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Ha ha ha ha har!
  4. tracksuitboy

    tracksuitboy New Member

    May 27, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Devon, UK.
    Good news: Saddam is facing the death penalty.

    Bad news: David Beckam is taking it!!

    sorry, that's one for the Europeans only!
  5. jonb

    Gold Member

    Oct 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Yeah, that was a bad dream. Ah, vagina dentata.


    Vagina dentata
    What a neurotic phrase
    Vagina dentata
    Just a passing phase
    It means you're a virgin
    Because you are afraid
    Or you might be a 6 from Kinsey
    Vagina dentata
  6. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

    Dec 28, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Every once in awhile along comes a sentence that just sums everything up into

    one neat, tidy package :

    "Life is all about ass ...... either you are covering it, kicking it,

    kissing it, or trying to get it."

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