pokjbv: You hear about the blond that got a vibrator for her birthday?
She chipped all her teeth!
She chipped all her teeth!
ORCABOMBER: [quote author=pokjbv link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=15#21 date=02/05/03 at 20:48:27]You hear about the chicken that crossed the road?
Was pinned to a punks cheek![/quote]
Don't get it either.
Was pinned to a punks cheek![/quote]
Don't get it either.
sammygirly: Man goes into a drug store and stalks through the aisles mumbling about his wife sending him out for tampons. When he gets to the counter, the employee is shocked to see dental floss and cotton balls.
"I thought you were here to buy tampons?" queried the clerk.
"Oh I am" says the disgruntled husband "but last week when I asked her to go to the store and get me cigarettes she brought back rolling papers and tobacco. And dammit, if i have to roll my own so does she!"
"I thought you were here to buy tampons?" queried the clerk.
"Oh I am" says the disgruntled husband "but last week when I asked her to go to the store and get me cigarettes she brought back rolling papers and tobacco. And dammit, if i have to roll my own so does she!"
christia: What do you call a blind rabbit sitting on your face?
Unsightly facial hare.
You wanted bad...
Unsightly facial hare.
You wanted bad...
POSTED AT THE COUNTRY CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
jay
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
jay
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's a perfect 10; 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt. Unfortunately, they both noticed he has really bad dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give 'Shoulders?"
jay
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give 'Shoulders?"
jay
Men are like......
.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.
.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
jay
.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.
.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
jay
Alligator_Jack: what do you get when you breed a poodle and an elephant?
a dead poodle torn in half
a dead poodle torn in half
BIGBOYDAVE: [quote author=Alligator_Jack link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=30#32 date=02/08/03 at 21:23:34]what do you get when you breed a poodle and an elephant?
a dead poodle torn in half[/quote]
Thats not A BAD JOKE THATS A SICK SICK JOKE :-/ :'( ???
a dead poodle torn in half[/quote]
Thats not A BAD JOKE THATS A SICK SICK JOKE :-/ :'(
???> >For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
> >dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
> >understand
> >just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
> >applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
> >Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
> >points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
> >played.
> >
> >Here is a guide to the points system:
> >
> >SIMPLE DUTIES
> >
> >You make the bed .............................................+1
> >You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
> >You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
> >You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
> >You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
> >When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
> >When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
> >You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners.....+5
> >in the snow...................................................+8
> >but return with beer..........................................-5
> >and no liners................................................-25
> >You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
> >You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
> >You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
> >You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
> >It's her cat.................................................-40
> >
> >AT THE PARTY
> >You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
> >You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
> >drinking
> >buddy......-2
> >Named Tiffany....................................-4
> >Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
> >With breast implants.............................-18
> >
> >HER BIRTHDAY
> >You remember her birthday................................0
> >You buy a card and flowers...............................0
> >You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
> >You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
> >Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
> >And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
> >It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
> >the colors of your favorite team........-10
> >
> >A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
> >Go with a pal.......................................0
> >The pal is happily married..........................+1
> >The pal is single...................................-7
> >He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
> >With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
> >
> >A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
> >You take her to a movie...............+2
> >You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
> >You take her to a movie you hate......+6
> >You take her to a movie you like......-2
> >It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
> >Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
> >You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
> >
> >YOUR PHYSIQUE
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it
> >.............................+10
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
> >Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
> >You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..........-800
> >
> >THE BIG QUESTION
> >She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
> >You hesitate in responding......................-10
> >You reply, "Where?".............................-35
> >You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
> >Any other response..............................-20
> >
> >COMMUNICATION
> >When she wants to talk about a problem:
> >You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
> >You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
> >You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
> >You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what
> >do you think I should do"...........................-50
> >You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
> >She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
jay
> >dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
> >understand
> >just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
> >applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
> >Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
> >points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
> >played.
> >
> >Here is a guide to the points system:
> >
> >SIMPLE DUTIES
> >
> >You make the bed .............................................+1
> >You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
> >You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
> >You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
> >You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
> >When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
> >When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
> >You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners.....+5
> >in the snow...................................................+8
> >but return with beer..........................................-5
> >and no liners................................................-25
> >You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
> >You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
> >You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
> >You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
> >It's her cat.................................................-40
> >
> >AT THE PARTY
> >You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
> >You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
> >drinking
> >buddy......-2
> >Named Tiffany....................................-4
> >Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
> >With breast implants.............................-18
> >
> >HER BIRTHDAY
> >You remember her birthday................................0
> >You buy a card and flowers...............................0
> >You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
> >You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
> >Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
> >And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
> >It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
> >the colors of your favorite team........-10
> >
> >A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
> >Go with a pal.......................................0
> >The pal is happily married..........................+1
> >The pal is single...................................-7
> >He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
> >With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
> >
> >A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
> >You take her to a movie...............+2
> >You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
> >You take her to a movie you hate......+6
> >You take her to a movie you like......-2
> >It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
> >Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
> >You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
> >
> >YOUR PHYSIQUE
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it
> >.............................+10
> >You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
> >Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
> >You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..........-800
> >
> >THE BIG QUESTION
> >She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
> >You hesitate in responding......................-10
> >You reply, "Where?".............................-35
> >You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
> >Any other response..............................-20
> >
> >COMMUNICATION
> >When she wants to talk about a problem:
> >You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
> >You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
> >You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
> >You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what
> >do you think I should do"...........................-50
> >You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
> >She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
jay
sammygirly: How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of a pool
(and thusly begins the barrage of bad blonde jokes....)
Put a mirror on the bottom of a pool
(and thusly begins the barrage of bad blonde jokes....)
sammygirly: A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's."
"Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."
"Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."
blakeley: Why did Helen Keller wear tight black leather pants?
So people could read her lips.
So people could read her lips.
