BAD JOKES

[jay_too]

check out this url....gives very accurate assessments..especially if you respond *jay* to name request.

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

jay

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he
went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his
self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on
the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his
house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to run
me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Grandpa

 

[13788]

sammygirly: A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
"Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

 

[ericbear]

Bad blonde joke:

A cop sees this sports car being driven erratically, and pulls it over. He finds this ditzy blonde at the wheel. He gets her licence and registration, tells her to stay put, and goes back to his patrol car to check them. While he's waiting for the results, he's eyeing the blonde from behind, realizes he's horny, and figures he might as well try to have some fun. The paperwork checks out, so he starts back to the blonde's car. She glances in her rear view mirror, and sees the cop approaching with a big, thick veiny cock hanging out of his fly.

"Oh no!" mumbles the blonde, "Not another Breathalyzer test!"

 

[13788]

Fox: If you take "bad joke" top mean "evil, evil, evilevilwrong joke", then I have some.

Be forewarned, these are the kind of jokes that can make one hate humankind for producing the people/person who came up with them.

That said...

Q: What's funnier than a pile of dead babies?

A: A pile of dead babies in clown suits!

Q: What's funnier than a pile of dead babies in clown suits?

A: The live one at the bottom that has to eat its way out!

Q: What's funnier than the live one eating its way out?

A: The live one going back for seconds!



... I warned you...

 

[13788]

sammygirly: Oh...ack.

Well that ruined my bad joke groove ~LOL~

 

[Pecker]

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response.

Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing.

He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.

Finally, the guy unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening. Finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"

Pecker

 

[johnstone1985]

What has 146 teeth and holds back a monster?


The fly on my trousers!!!!

 

[jonb]

A guy went to the psychiatrist. He said "I have sex with my wife, my mistress, and I go to the rest area for blow jobs."

The doctor said "How often do you have sex with your wife?"

"Three, four times a day."

"And your mistress?"

"Three, four times a day."

"And how often do you go to the rest area?"

"Three, four times a day."

"You really need to get a grip!"

"I do, three, four times a day."

 

[johnstone1985]

Some Valentine Jokes:

I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you because I was pissed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[13788]

ORCABOMBER: That was tooo BAD! <^.^>

 

[Pecker]

Overheard at the zoo....


Son: Mum, what's that hanging down from that elephant?

Mother: Oh that's nothing!

Son: Dad, what's that hanging down from that elephant?

Father: That's his dick, Son.

Son: Gosh, it's big, why did Mum say it was nothing?

Father: She's just spoilt, Son.

 

[13788]

sammygirly: Woman: Problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A Senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying fucker told you I was speeding, too.

 

[13788]

7x6andchg: I love this thread. Always makes me laugh.



Sammygirly-

Now that was a good one. I thought you were in Canada though - shouldn't that be licence?

Just kidding...

Paul
7x6&c

 

[13788]

sammygirly: ~winks at 7x6andchg~

You know you're from Canada when ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
9. You find -40c a little chilly.
10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelery and your Sorels.
12. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
13. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

 

[jonb]

LOL!

Teacher: I'm afraid I can't teach evolution to my students.
Principal: Another religious boycott?
Teacher: No, but it takes half an hour to get the room to quiet down after every mention of Homo erectus.

 

[Pecker]

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So they won't be confused with feminists.

 

[13788]

Finedessert: PECKER:

ROFLMAO...Way too much, I pissed in my pants.

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
____________________________________________

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.
____________________________________________

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
____________________________________________

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."
____________________________________________

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
____________________________________________

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
____________________________________________

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
____________________________________________

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted.

Grandpa