mhk: Person 1: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
Person 2: No, how do you get their legs apart?!?
Person 2: No, how do you get their legs apart?!?
sammygirly: Old Band joke (yeah I know...this one time...at band camp...)
How do you finger a B?
Spread it's little legs.
How do you finger a B?
Spread it's little legs.
wondering: If you get married in Arkansas, move to California and get a divorce, are you still brother and sister?
I posted this in another string but several lpsg-ers suggested that it belongs 'where the sun don't shine.'
This string should fill that requirement, so here goes...
Every male who is circumcised is requested to send his foreskin to Iraq so they can all be planted together in the desert.
Saddam plans to raise a bunch of little dick taters.
Pecker
This string should fill that requirement, so here goes...
Every male who is circumcised is requested to send his foreskin to Iraq so they can all be planted together in the desert.
Saddam plans to raise a bunch of little dick taters.
Pecker
Finedessert: A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Grandpa
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Grandpa
wondering: A man, with a duck on his head, walks into an attorneys office. The lawyer asks, "What can I do for you?" The duck replies, "Would you get this guy off my ass!"
During Kindergarten recess, Kyle walked up to Megan and stated, "I found a prophylactic on the patio." She looked puzzled and asked, "What's a patio?"
During Kindergarten recess, Kyle walked up to Megan and stated, "I found a prophylactic on the patio." She looked puzzled and asked, "What's a patio?"
(In humble deference to banana boy33
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's sort of hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father is the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have a penis!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's sort of hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father is the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have a penis!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Finedessert: An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may beforgiven.
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AX and TWO 38's!"
Grandpa
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AX and TWO 38's!"
Grandpa
wondering: Three senior couples planned a vacation together. When they arrived at their hotel, they discovered that their reservations had been botched. There were only two rooms available instead of three. Deciding not to let this spoil their vacation, they decided that they would take the two rooms, men in one room and women in the other.
After discussion, Al and Jim decided they they would sleep in one bed and Harold in the other. In the middle of the night, Al awoke and said, "Man, I need to get my wife. I haven't felt an erection this hard in years."
Jim asked, "Do you want me to come with you?"
Al replied, "No, why?"
Jim responded, "Well then you'll have to let go of my dick."
After discussion, Al and Jim decided they they would sleep in one bed and Harold in the other. In the middle of the night, Al awoke and said, "Man, I need to get my wife. I haven't felt an erection this hard in years."
Jim asked, "Do you want me to come with you?"
Al replied, "No, why?"
Jim responded, "Well then you'll have to let go of my dick."
Finedessert: A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
Grandpa
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
Grandpa
Finedessert: Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she'd ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Thomas, and this is Brother James."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother James replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to Brother Thomas and said, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes... I am the chip monk."
Grandpa
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Thomas, and this is Brother James."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother James replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to Brother Thomas and said, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes... I am the chip monk."
Grandpa
7x6andchg:
Oh, Grandpa - I said it to Sammygirly on another thread and I'll say it again - your posts are always good for a chuckle, a little brightener for the day....chip monk....<groan> <chuckle>
7x6&C
Oh, Grandpa - I said it to Sammygirly on another thread and I'll say it again - your posts are always good for a chuckle, a little brightener for the day....chip monk....<groan> <chuckle>
7x6&C
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a pile of tampon boxes stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for $1."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asked the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! No strings attached."
Pecker
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asked the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! No strings attached."
Pecker
sammygirly: A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging."
The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?"
The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete."
"What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked.
The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes."
The cowboy said, "That's weird. What are they hanging him for?"
The bartender said, "Rustling!"
The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging."
The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?"
The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete."
"What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked.
The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes."
The cowboy said, "That's weird. What are they hanging him for?"
The bartender said, "Rustling!"
wondering: Two young boys are bored and want something to do, but they only have $2.45. Finally, one suggests that they go buy a box of tampons. One asks, "What are tampons?" The other boy replies, "I don't know. All I know is, if you have them you can go swimming, or horseback riding, or water skiing, or almost anything."
Ralph dropped his wife off at the doctor's office, then went to run some errands. While waiting in the doctor's office, she saw a news flash on the television that a car was traveling on Interstate 405 the wrong way. She knew that he would be traveling on that interstate, so she asked to use the phone to call him on his cellular phone and warn him.
"Honey," she said, "There's someone traveling down the interstate going the wrong way."
He replied, "One!? There are hundreds."
Ralph dropped his wife off at the doctor's office, then went to run some errands. While waiting in the doctor's office, she saw a news flash on the television that a car was traveling on Interstate 405 the wrong way. She knew that he would be traveling on that interstate, so she asked to use the phone to call him on his cellular phone and warn him.
"Honey," she said, "There's someone traveling down the interstate going the wrong way."
He replied, "One!? There are hundreds."
Finedessert: A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,sir, you should know five things...
#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
#3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde, and is a
professional weightlifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman while recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, her seven year old son asked her why she didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.
She told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. The boy was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on her recovery. The son answered the door.
The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?"
The boy looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
Grandpa
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,sir, you should know five things...
#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
#3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde, and is a
professional weightlifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman while recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, her seven year old son asked her why she didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.
She told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. The boy was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on her recovery. The son answered the door.
The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?"
The boy looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
Grandpa
Finedessert: Don't fart in bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later,
her husband came down stairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on hisface. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always
told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Grandpa
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later,
her husband came down stairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on hisface. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always
told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Grandpa
aussiechick63: I found this website the other day.
I thought it was a bit of a giggle.
http://www.btinternet.com/~knutty.knights/adult.html
I thought it was a bit of a giggle.
http://www.btinternet.com/~knutty.knights/adult.html
Here's a bad joke for St. Patrick's day:
A depressed looking guy goes into a bar, and sits down. He's carrying a box, which he places on the bar next to him. He asks the bartender for a double, gulps it down, and asks for another.
"What's wrong?" ask the bartender. "you look really sad!"
"Just take a look at this," says the guy. He opens the box, and takes out a tiny model of a grand piano, about 6 inches tall. He puts it down on the bar.
"Hey! That's a great model!" says the bartender.
"Wait, there's more," says the guy. He reaches in the box again, and pulls out a little man, about a foot tall. He puts the little man down on the bar. The little man walks over to the tiny piano, sits down, and begins to play beautifully.
The bartender says: "That's astonishing! How could anyone who owns such a wonderful thing ever be so depressed? Where did you get that?"
The guys answers: "This morning, I was walking through the woods. I hear the little voice-- Help! Help! I look around, but I don't see anyone. Finally, I look down by my feet, and see this little green leprechaun trapped under a fallen log. He pleaded with me to help him get free, and said he would grant me any one wish if I did."
"So this," said the bartender, looking at the piano, "is what you asked for? I mean it's nice and all, but why the hell did you ask for this?"
"I didn't! But I guess the little leprechaun was hard of hearing, so I ended up getting a 12 inch pianist instead."
A depressed looking guy goes into a bar, and sits down. He's carrying a box, which he places on the bar next to him. He asks the bartender for a double, gulps it down, and asks for another.
"What's wrong?" ask the bartender. "you look really sad!"
"Just take a look at this," says the guy. He opens the box, and takes out a tiny model of a grand piano, about 6 inches tall. He puts it down on the bar.
"Hey! That's a great model!" says the bartender.
"Wait, there's more," says the guy. He reaches in the box again, and pulls out a little man, about a foot tall. He puts the little man down on the bar. The little man walks over to the tiny piano, sits down, and begins to play beautifully.
The bartender says: "That's astonishing! How could anyone who owns such a wonderful thing ever be so depressed? Where did you get that?"
The guys answers: "This morning, I was walking through the woods. I hear the little voice-- Help! Help! I look around, but I don't see anyone. Finally, I look down by my feet, and see this little green leprechaun trapped under a fallen log. He pleaded with me to help him get free, and said he would grant me any one wish if I did."
"So this," said the bartender, looking at the piano, "is what you asked for? I mean it's nice and all, but why the hell did you ask for this?"
"I didn't! But I guess the little leprechaun was hard of hearing, so I ended up getting a 12 inch pianist instead."
