thanks everyone. you are all so sweet. :hug:
i have been struggling with my weight my entire life. i was pretty much abused in every way possible. my weight has always gone up and down because certain relatives would tell me i was too bony, too chubby, so i'd gain/lose weight all the time. this is the biggest i've ever been. i am 5'9" and weigh about 230 lbs. i wear a size 18/20. i used to be very athletic, and weighed 130 lbs. i wasn't stick thin, but more slim and still had curves. i gave up everything because i was so depressed. i've been through quite a bit growing up and it still affects me. we just picked up and left when i was 9 years old, my parents opened up an atlas to a random page and pointed and that's where our next destination was. we needed to get out of there or something bad was going to happen. they were into drugs and alcohol, and my mom was to the point where she was puking up blood and her skin was turning yellow. and then it was like nothing happened. so over the next 6 years i forgot all about it, and when i was 16, it all hit me at once. i gained about 75 lbs in just one year. i was sick of always having to lose weight and put weight on, lose more weight, put some more back on. i just said FUCK IT! i started going on binges. i'd eat supper with the family and when everyone would be in bed, i'd sneak out and go to whatever fast food joint was open late (usually mcdonalds or wendys) and i'd eat all kinds of food, as fast as i could, of course i'd drive to a place where i wouldn't be seen. i have told a couple people about that, but for the most part i don't like to tell people about it b/c it's embarssing. i'm starting to get to the point where i just don't give a shit about anything anymore. i am pretty sure i need counseling, but embarassed/scared to admit to my family b/c they have no clue. since we just picked up and left and were supposed to act like nothing happened, i feel like i can't talk to them about stuff. me and my dad talk about all kinds of things, but nothing of the past. i can't afford to get counseling. it is SO expensive, and my family's never had much money. at the same time, i don't want to talk to them b/c i want someone that won't judge me (my mom does all the time with everything i do).
she always says shit to me about my weight, suggesting i'm huge and need to lose alot of weight. i know it doesn't matter what anyone says but she's always been on my case, even when i was 130 lbs. she'll compare my body to hers, and suggest that i'm way bigger than her, when we're about the same size.
i always speak my mind with her (we definetely CLASH and always have), but she always says shit anyway. she'll get a pair of pants or something, and be like "here you try them on. they're HUGE on me. you'll probably fit them better." or "i wonder if the women on your dad's side are huge" while looking me up and down.
the women on HER side of the family are pretty big. not all, but alot of them are, and they have diabetes. i've already had to get tested for it which was really scary. i just want to feel confident about my body because i never have. i want to feel healthy again, and i want to lessen my chance of getting diabetes. my mom has it, and has to take all kinds of pills and watch her blood sugar and i just wouldn't want to have to do all that.
on the other hand, though...after my mom and one of my brothers leaves, we're going to turn the sunroom into a workout room so i'm definetely excited about that. i feel like i have something to look forward to. i don't have a job or a car b/c we only have one car and my dad and brothers use it for work. i'm always stuck in the house and it's driving me crazy b/c i'm used to always having a job and making my own money. i dont like depending on others.
is it bad to feel anxious about my mom leaving? i just need some SPACE. i feel smothered. i am so close to my dad, and always have been b/c he doesn't judge me. we are so much alike. my mom and i are total opposites. i tried staying with my mom in iowa (she's up there taking care of her mom - and yes, my parents are still together), but i missed my dad so much. i'd rather live with my dad b/c i'm much happier here.
*sigh* i feel better after all that. and thanks to anyone that reads all of it. heh. :tongue:
