BDSM, help

Discussion in 'Sex With a Large Penis' started by Child_of_the_sun, May 1, 2006.

  1. Child_of_the_sun

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    Hi, I have this problem, I have a fiencé, me and him have a great sex life aswell as romantic. my problem is not that big really, its just I have theese fantasies involving SM, I love pain sexually and it has to be real pain. The problem is that allthough my fiancé wants to explore the SM world he doesn't feel comfortable to let loose and really hurt me, he knows that I like it and I want it he just simply doesn't want to hurt me. I understand him completely, and I could live without it easily, but its still a fantasy I have and if we are exploring that area I can't handle doing it halheartedly... its a bit frustrating..... anywho.... my question is: Do you have any idea on how I can give him that push he needs to go past that line he's made?

    ~Child_of_the_sun
     
  2. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    honestly? no, i can't think of any way to do that without risking serious problems for your relationship with him. unfortunately for you, the majority of people just can't equate pain and sadism with sex or love - they're pretty diametrically opposed concepts for most of us, and S/M just ain't part of our sexual constitution. that's why it's termed a "fetish" after all, i guess, although i really dislike that word in its modern context.

    trying to push him in a direction he don't wanna go is guaranteed to piss him off big time, and potentially turn him off the idea of being with you altogether. firstly, he probably can't help feeling that it's just plain weird (don't blame him for that; as i said, most people do). secondly, if you keep bringing it up he's gonna worry that he can't satisfy you "normally" and that you feel his attentions are inadequate to your needs. whether that's true or not won't make a great deal of difference to his perception of what's going on inside your head, i'm afraid.
     
  3. Child_of_the_sun

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    but as I said he wants to explore it with me, but he finds the real pain a bit disturbing.
     
  4. Dr Rock

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    ? i know what you wrote, that's what i was talking about.
     
  5. Bryan_Lyte2

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    O.k. now I'm getting scarred. That was the second time I've seen plausible advice from Dr.Rock without feeling that sinister, sarcasm. Either I'm getting used to him or...nah. There is no way he's getting soft. The apocalypse hasn't started yet.

    I agree, (that feels so wierd) dont push him into it, because you could just mess up a good thing. I for one just don't get SM. I'll wreslte with a guy or girl, and spank them open palm, but none of the wips and chains. If you are having your doubts now about the guy you should have told him from the start about you little fetish. I'm bold about my spandex and underwear fetish. that way it dosen't come as a surprise. If you want your cake, and to eat it too you'll need a fork. What I'm saying is this. If he allows, try to introduce the idea of outside help from time to time. Ask to go to SM parties or something, but if he says no, than leave it alone. :cool:
     
  6. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Here's what: either a guy will do the "use me, pound me, hurt me" thing or he won't. I'll quote a line from Victor, Victoria: "It's like asking a nun to be a streetwalker".
     
  7. madame_zora

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    Everyone has their sexual preferences. If he is actually willing to explore it- he will. If he is only saying that to please you, he won't.

    It may be that it may just take some time to find out what he is comfortable with doing, I'd try baby steps. Tell him one specific thing, and start slow, that you'd like him to try. Perhaps as he sees your reactions, his comfort will grow. Reinforce what you like about sex with him, everyone needs confirmation, but especially when one is being asked to stretch their own boundaries.

    Of course, Dr. Rock makes a good point that pain, for most people, is something they want to keep separate from pleasure, but the entire world of bdsm exists because there are also many who do not feel this way. I don't think there is a simple way to "give someone permission" other than to have a nice long talk with him sometime when you are not having sex with him to let him know why you want this and how doing it would make you feel towards him. Some people feel a sense of being owned or claimed by their partner by submitting to pain. Let him know also what your boundaries are, so he won't make a mistake and do something you really don't want.

    We never see enough of you, and I hope you put back an ava of your pretty face.
     
  8. AlteredEgo

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    I have no idea what you should do. All (every. last. one.) of my clients are in denial about their submission fantasies with their spouse or significant other. Some have tried and failed to incorporate D/s or SM or BDSM into their relationships, others tried and succeded, but crave the feelings they had back when they called or visited FemDommes secretly, and others (most of them) punked out and never told their partner what they were into.

    So first of all, Good for you! I applaud your forthrightness. I wish I could help, but my experience is with helping people keep it secret.
     
  9. DC_DEEP

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    COTS, thanks for your question. There are some good comments, but one thing that has yet to be mentioned is this: BdSm and Ds relationships and activities, practiced as they should be, by people who actually can be trusted, are NOT about pain. Yes, pain can and often does play into it, but that is neither the primary means nor the primary goal. For the serious players, it is about exploring yourself and your partner, finding and testing your limits (physical, emotional, and intellectual) and most of all, TRUST. It is NOT about injuring someone, it is about STIMULATING them.

    It is a shame you are so far away. My partner and I are both practitioners and educators in BdSm. From what you reveal in your original post, my several pieces of advice are: 1) Talk some more with your partner about the issue. Don't try to push him, but express to him more of the WHY, before you discuss more of the WHAT. Your situation is not uncommon, even for experienced men and women. It is often the case that people who do practice BdSm are less willing with their life partner than they are with another person they don't live with. Why is that? The emotional involvement is bigger than the physical involvement, and the Dominant is often not emotionally and intellectually prepared to bring those things out in his submissive. So talk some more. "I don't know why, but feeling a little bit of a sting when you swat my ass gets my whole mind and my whole body going, it is an excitement I can't really explain. What do you feel when you think about spanking me until my ass is pink?" Stuff like that. Try to go in a direction that lets you both express your feelings about the acts. OK? You had the discussion? You just had your first BdSm experience with him. The communication is actually more important than the physical act.

    2) I don't know anything about the scene in Iceland, if there even is one... but I can almost guarantee that BdSm folks are there. You just have to find them. Find a group (NOT an individual or couple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) who have meetings and play parties, and go observe. Talk to a few people. It is unwise, and dangerous, to jump right in and do things with someone whom you don't know. Inexperienced or self-taught Tops/Dominants are to be avoided at all costs.

    Go slowly, don't force any issues. It may be that you and your partner, once comfortable with the scene, will eventually reserve this sort of play for another person or couple. That's what works best with my partner and myself - but it is not for everyone.

    And just a bit of BdSm graduate school for all who read this thread. What could possibly be pleasurable about pain? It's all in the endorphins, folks. The very same thing that gets people addicted to things like intense sports. Run 5 miles, get an endorphin rush. Do a little butt paddling, get an endorphin rush, and have sex. Hmmm. What a choice.
     
  10. DC_DEEP

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    Ah, good points about the outside help and parties, but there again is more of the misunderstanding of Sm play. Some are into the whips and chains, but that's a small portion of the whole scene. Hot wax, tactile play, body piercing, clothing fetish, tickling, it's all wrapped up there. I, for one, enjoy doing the hot wax play. The motto of any respectable BdSm group is "Safe, Sane, Consensual." No play of any kind should begin without what I call "negotiation." That includes me asking my sub "What do you want to experience? Do you have any physical or medical issues I should be aware of? What safe word do you prefer to use?" How do I keep someone safe during wax play? I make sure I know what kind of candles I am using. There are high-, medium-, and low-temp candles, and of course the low-temp candles are used. Before I allow any of the wax to touch my sub, I test it on my hand first. If it burns my hand, I will not put it on him. I don't get it near enough to the face to get it in his eyes, or we use a blindfold (his choice). But most importantly, I am pretty good at reading people, and my entire focus is on my sub. Most people don't realize it, but any good Dominant/Top realizes that his sub/bottom/recipient is the one who is ultimately in control of the scene.
     
  11. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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    Start easy with being rougher than usual then move on to spanking, biting then move up to things like hot candle wax (amazing sensation on the nipples) then grauate on to paddles, ropes etc then decide how much further you want to take it.

    But if he really isnt comfortable with it there is a very slim chance you can change him and make him want to do it and enjoy it
     
  12. Child_of_the_sun

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    My avatar was forbidden :S it was too big :( (funny thing to say on this site hehehe :p) and I dont know how to make is smaller
     
  13. Child_of_the_sun

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    hehe thats very true, I've heard a saying that I like pretty much "a sub is like a car, treat it well and you can ride it for longer"
     
  14. Child_of_the_sun

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    well we've done biting, scratching and softer things like that and we were moving on to the wax thing... the thing is when we do the soft core stuff I , not intentionally, get annoyed because I want real pain, the was, tha whips even bloodletting.... which I know is very unnerving but...

    we have talked alot about it and he has some fantasies but nothing as "hardcore" as my fantasies. he knows how and why I like it. But he doesn't feel comfortable with going much further... I think he's afraid of going too far and liking it or something, afraid of the dark side so to speak :redface:
     
  15. GoneA

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    DARN!!!!! I used to stare at that thing for almost hours. It was rather beautiful.
     
  16. Child_of_the_sun

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    well we've done biting, scratching and softer things like that and we were moving on to the wax thing... the thing is when we do the soft core stuff I , not intentionally, get annoyed because I want real pain, the was, tha whips even bloodletting.... which I know is very unnerving but...

    we have talked alot about it and he has some fantasies but nothing as "hardcore" as my fantasies. he knows how and why I like it. But he doesn't feel comfortable with going much further... I think he's afraid of going too far and liking it or something, afraid of the dark side so to speak :redface:
     
  17. DC_DEEP

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    When I met my partner, I had no interest in BdSm, whatsoever. That was due to ignorance of the subject. I strongly urge you to find some experienced BdSm and/or leather groups in Iceland, and seek their help. Some of these things really should not be done without some guidance, but done properly, can greatly enhance your sex life. Knowledge is key. I will try to locate some information for you. Please PM to me a little bit more information, including your city or nearest city where there is a large population base, and I will see what I can find for you. Best of luck!
     
  18. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Hand him a whip and some handcuffs, say: "Now, I'm a rioter, and you are the big, bad riot police man".

    That'll probably get the message across.

    Other than that, maybe you have to work him into a bit of an anger, maybe he is just too "nice" with you, so (no, don't knee him in the balls) a bit of roleplaying (maybe some uniforms [ooo - kinky!]), and work him into that state of mind.

    I'm sure he has a darkside, he's maybe just too nice to release it on you.

    Having said that, being sensible is also important, as Rock suggested, you don't want to push him too far and ruin your relationship.

    EDIT: BTW, to re-size the pic, try opening it in MS Paint, go to Image -> Stretch/Skew, and change the percentage values to downsize it, then save it as a different file (just to be safe). :)
     
  19. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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    Maybe you could try watching a few BDSM movies together so he can see what to expect and that he can hurt you to a certain degree also posibly get a few ideas out of it.

    But he must have a curiosity, just need to work out how to make him act on it
     
  20. e-swell

    e-swell New Member

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    This is my first post, so forgive me if there is lack of protical. DC and others have made some very relivant points.
    Due to my upbring and initiating into sex at a very early age, I always thought of myself as a "bottom" or "submissive". When I first truly cared about the person I was with, I discovered a different side of myself existed that I didn't know was there. As a result of this, I learned that people are multifaceted and that even though the consexual quick fuck can be fun, when you truly care about another person, I think you feel more free to express yourself sexually and allow the other person to do the same.

    By th way I was raised in a Mormon community, if this has any bearing at all!!
     
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