BDSM: Male/female Domination vs. Sexism

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Belly_Dancer, Jun 19, 2007.

?

Which of the following things turn you on (even if just a little)

  1. Being bound/restrained by a partner

    61.8%
  2. Binding/restraining a partner

    43.8%
  3. Being given sexual orders/commands by a partner

    62.9%
  4. Giving sexual orders/commands to a partner

    52.8%
  5. Being spanked by a partner

    46.1%
  6. Spanking a partner

    39.3%
  7. None of the above things turn me on

    10.1%
  1. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    In this day and age, why would a strong, independent woman agree to become a “slave” to a man?

    The other day, I said I might start a thread to discuss what it is about my Dominant/submissive relationship that appeals to me so much (I am my live-in lover’s “slave” and he is my “Master”).

    I know that some people may not be interested in this subject. But if you do find it interesting, please read my comments and feel free to add your own (whether you are a sub, Dom, man, woman, or gorilla...)

    Also please feel free to respond to the poll -- I threw it in just for fun.
     
  2. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    1) I trust him to make wise decisions regarding my sexual, mental, and emotional health, and to exercise good judgment as to what commands to give me, how often, and when. He has proven worthy of this trust. He does not take more than I am capable of giving. He understands my need to give, and often pushes me to the limit, for his and my satisfaction, but he does not push beyond my limits in any way that would cause serious injury to me, whether physical, psychological, or emotional.

    A lot of people don’t realize that being a good Master/Dom is very hard work. It is. When you do so, you may be gaining a slave, but you are also taking responsibility both for yourself and for another person. You must be mature, strong, and wise enough to make the best decisions for your slave and for yourself.

    This is in stark contrast to being a Chauvinist pig or an abuser...such a person either does not care about his partner, or actively seeks to do her harm, or a combination of both. She does not have a “safe word” to stop his actions if things get too intense. She cannot trust him to make the right decisions for her, because he has proven himself unworthy of that trust.

    2) It turns me on. The reasons for this are varied. There are so many aspects to our Master/slave relationship that various aspects turn me on for different reasons. In some cases, neither one of us completely understands why a certain activity turns us on. We just know it makes him hard, me wet, and both of us hotter than anyone or anything else ever has.

    3) It sets me free. I am a very independent woman, and tend to assume control in personal and professional situations. I bring order to chaos. I manage projects and people. But when I try to manage my own sexual pleasure and balance it with a partner’s, I have great difficulty.

    When engaging in non-BDSM (A.K.A. “vanilla”) sex, I thought too much. I was constantly trying to gauge what the man wanted from me, and pleasure him. I was also seeking my own pleasure, but often couldn’t truly experience it, because I was so preoccupied with performance. Often I only sought to come as a means to satisfy the man, and not myself. I would pressure myself relentlessly to orgasm because I wanted my partner to feel like a stud. I faked orgasms sometimes. In many ways, sex became a chore during which I had to exercise extreme focus to get off so my partner would feel satisfied, while also anticipating and fulfilling his needs. The only time I truly felt free of pressure was when I masturbated, and during those times, I fantasized about being taken and dominated.

    Why did I want to be taken and dominated? Because sexually, I need to give up all control. The way this plays out in real life is that I concede to my Master the right to use my body for his pleasure, whenever he wants, however he wants. I obey all of his sexual commands, whether it is to suck his cock at 2 AM, to bend over the kitchen counter in the middle of cooking dinner so he can fuck me, or to spread my legs wide over the legs of a chair so he can lick my pussy. He has complete access to all areas of my body at all times and controls and directs all of our sexual encounters.

    The benefits to him are obvious: he can take his pleasure at any time, and know that I am not only willing, but deeply satisfied by doing things this way.

    The benefits to me are:

    I no longer have to guess at what he wants. He tells me what he wants, or takes what he wants. It is no longer my responsibility to figure it out, and my mind is clear and free.
    I no longer have to pressure myself to respond sexually. My sexual response is not at issue -- only his is. If I happen to come, so be it. If I don’t, so what. If he wants to give or withhold orgasms to and from me, that’s his decision, not mine. My only responsibility is to be mentally present, feel, and do as he tells me. That’s all. And therein lies the magic -- I am able to enjoy sex and sexually related activities as I never could before.

    4) Loving Discipline:

    I didn’t trust my ex-husband to make the best decisions for either one of us, and he often ignored or took for granted the things I did for him. We wanted different things out of a relationship, and although he is a good person, he was not the right person for me.

    In contrast, I do trust Artfulwilly to make wise decisions for both of us. When I took my wedding vows with my ex, I had the word “obey” removed, because I bristled at it so much. Who wants to obey someone when you don’t trust him enough to hand over the reins? However, when Artfulwilly and I marry, I will make sure the word obey is included in my vows, because I trust him implicitly, and because I deeply need to be directed and disciplined.

    What kinds of non-sexual commands does Artfulwilly give me? First, he absolutely will not tolerate me putting myself down. He says, “Nobody talks about my Holly that way, not even you.” If I put myself down or disobey other commands (which usually involve taking better care of and loving myself), he will physically discipline me. When he does so, I feel like he really gives a shit about me, as opposed to someone who would just make an offhand comment about my self-destructive behavior. He cares enough to intervene, with force if necessary. And a side benefit of the discipline is that it turns us both on.

    5) I am his Esteemed Slave. Although I am submissive, serve his needs, and obey his commands, I know my Master sees me as a priceless treasure, and cherishes me as such. I have never had any other man lavish such attention on me. I have never felt so valued and loved. He values my opinions, abilities, and talents. He appreciates everything I do for him. And he takes excellent care of me, protecting me from harm, protecting me even from myself, if needed. He does not squelch my personality in any way. Rather, I am set free to fly within the gentle, loving boundaries he creates.
     
  3. Ed69

    Gold Member

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    Thank you Holly for posting this.It has been a long road for us,mostly from my view because I felt uncomfortable doing this being that way for my wife.But hearing your story and other women's tells me that it's ok and she realy does need-want me to be dominant.I hold my wife in the highest regard,so when she needs to come home and give up control?I give her that right,and spank her saucy bottom when I think she needs it!
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

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    Beautifully explained Holly.
     
  5. vibratingfinger

    vibratingfinger New Member

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    Thanks for trying to explain. I have to say though I still don't quite understand the mindset. But I don't have a problem assuming a dominant role. I'm generally dominant anyway in that if I want something during sex I will say it and if she's okay with it we'll go for it. It's that simple. I guess it makes it worse for me that you describe it as a master/slave relationship. I never want to think of my sexual or any kind of relation in those terms. The biggest problem I had with it is that with one my partners before, after a while it felt like I was taking part in her rape fantasy. It was disturbing to me to say the least.
     
  6. whatireallywant

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    I have to admit that I am very "vanilla", yet I have had fantasies (not actually tried it) about bondage, both as dom and sub. The other stuff (commands, spanking) would be an instant turn-OFF for me. I might be willing to try the light bondage but it's not something I'd want to do all the time. (But I would have to REALLY trust the guy to do bondage as a sub. Dom would be easier for me.)
     
  7. Matthew

    Gold Member

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    Sexual desire can't be made to conform to a political agenda or utopian social vision. If it does, I think it becomes stifled. And maybe sexuality is the zone in which we get to enjoy catharsis from the rules of the social world -- to transgress the boundaries we fight to maintain outside the bedroom.

    Maybe it takes a strong, independent woman of this day and age to explore that taboo landscape in a healthy way?
     
  8. fak_et

    fak_et New Member

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    Haven't tried it, not really into it, but I sure would be interested in giving it a shot, there is something about it that is a turn on.
     
  9. rexcasual

    rexcasual Member

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    I'd only be interested in exploring dom/sub as roleplay and with a partner who I knew was not weak and powerless but who wanted to play with that power dynamic.

    I couldn't see the scenario as anything other than exciting variations in my life. I'm too uninterested (or lazy:tongue:) to create and live a world that functions 24/7. It's not that compelling to me to consider as a lifestyle.
     
  10. DC_DEEP

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    My sweet, beautiful Holly, thank you for your posts. You and I have discussed this at length through email and PM, so you know how I feel about it; you've explained it quite beautifully (and it still makes me a little misty-eyed when you describe how AW absolutely will NOT tolerate you demeaning yourself!) It still takes me a little by surprise that I have only "known" you since you joined here, as Chrysalis, and we've never met in person, but I feel such a connection and bond with you!
    When you say you don't understand the mindset, that's exactly it... what you are "processing" is the surface of the relationship, not the substance. When someone says, "I love you more than life itself," people think that's wonderful and romantic. What the slave is saying is, "I love you and trust you so much, the greatest gift I can think to give you is myself." The Master is saying, "I love you and trust you so much, I humbly accept your gift, and I will treasure it; I will honor you and protect you to the very best of my abilities." It is much less about the power than it is about the trust. When you think about it, getting a blowjob is very similar - you are trusting that she will not bite or otherwise damage your cock. It just never crosses the average man's mind that there's a trust issue invovled with a blowjob.
    You got it, Matthew. There are a few in BdSm who maintain those roles in every aspect of their lives, but in most cases, it is an opportunity to step outside the boundaries, especially for subs. Almost any professional Dominatrix (and there are many!!!) will tell you that her clientele consists almost entirely of men who live high-profile, high-pressure, demanding jobs. They make decisions all day, all the time, and for ther sexual release, they just want an hour or two or three where someone else is making ALL the decisions. Another more mundane example is the professional chef, who wants someone else to do the cooking when he gets home. Quite understandable.
    Also a good point. One of the reasons some people don't like to explore BdSm is that it requires you to explore and examine yourself and another person, and to confront and conquer your own fears and self-doubt.

    One of the biggest associated with BdSm is that the general population thinks that it's all about the Dom beating the shit out of the sub, and one of the biggest problems is someone thinking they want to "try it", but they don't seek information or training. An untrained Dom or sub is dangerous. And the BdSm activities are the means, not the end.
     
  11. D_Ariva_DerChee

    D_Ariva_DerChee Account Disabled

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    I agree and understand Holly.

    I Almost wish i could totally comprehend though. I can only be submissive in bed, and only to so much of an extent.

    My personality is just too dominant to totally submit to the entire idea.

    I'm a switch, and sometimes it can be depressing. I'd rather wholly give to one or the other :(
     
  12. diamond

    Verified Gold Member

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    In the BDSM world I am definitely considered a Domina, I definitely enjoy milking the prostate gland, and demanding adequate semen production in return.......?!!!

    Being submissive is a gift, it is not degradng nor demeaning ( if the master truly is implicated in the lifestyle) he knows that his submissive or slave is not a door matt nor an imbecile, but rather giving him a gift of total surrender.
     
  13. whatireallywant

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    Yes, I am learning this as I learn more about the whole BDSM life. It isn't for me except for the possibility of a little light bondage with someone I thoroughly trust (and I'd have to be more trusting to be a sub than I would to be a dom.) But for me it would be an occasional thing at most. That's just me. Everyone is different.
     
  14. rob_just_rob

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    Interesting thread. There are a lot of practical issues involved in BDSM that many people never even consider when contemplating the activity.
     
  15. B_ironsoul

    B_ironsoul New Member

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    do elaborate sir....

    I like both sides of BDSM, I enjoy playing both the sub and the dom. It really all depends on my mood, but I think I am pretty good at both, and the give me equal feeling of sexual satisfaction. It really all depends on the side of the bed I wake up on as t what role I will play.
     
  16. snoozan

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    I love being dominated in bed, but I get absolutely nothing out of being dominant myself. It frustrates me. I've played both roles, and while I couldn't get enough of being restrained and being submissive, I would actually find myself getting angry at the person that was being submissive to me. I'm have a very dominant (some would say domineering) personality, and the men I consistently fall in love with are the ones who are able to not just tolerate but love how assertive I am, and have as strong a personality as I do. I love the constant struggle of wills I have with strong partners.

    In bed, however, it's such a nice change to be completely dominated... and also to test my boundaries and get "in trouble" for it. It's a way to completely lose myself and a way to let go of the control that I try to keep in my day to day life-- as chaotic as it is. It's a safe way to express a need to be completely helpless when I'm expected to be unassailably strong. Of course, I can only do this with a partner who I entrust not just with my physical safety, but with the intense fragility of my emotional life. It is as though, by giving someone permission to take control completely, I have finally found myself with someone I can trust with every part of me-- even the weak parts that I am so afraid of.
     
  17. Principessa

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    I agree.

    I avoid those who are inexperienced because they will likely cross the line. WARNING: If he says you don't need a safe word, RUN!

    Well said, you and Holly Blue are far more eloquent than I could ever hope to be.
     
  18. Channelwood

    Channelwood New Member

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    Holly, I wasn't aware of your BSDM leanings during our conversations in your early days at LPSG. Now I'm not only glad that you found someone compatible, but that it's part of a successful D/s relationship.

    Public misconceptions about BDSM abound and are fed by its depiction in popular culture. Compare the number of times you've seen the stereotypical rubber-clad Dominatrix wielding a whip on a meek nebbish of a fellow on TV or in film to an actual caring loving BDSM relationship that includes the mental, psychological, and emotional aspects of dominance and submission. The popular view is that it's all about the pain; the reality is so much more complex.

    Rarely do we see the results of the exchange of power, responsibility, and control. And given no other exposure to the real complexity of emotions in BDSM, the uninitiated mistakenly fall to thinking that is all about whips and chains and leather.

    Similarly, there's the popular misconception that the dominant forces a submissive to his will. A submissive *chooses* to give up power to the dominant, and in so giving that up experiences the type of freedom that Holly describes.

    This produces the dangerous "wannabes" that DC_DEEP refers to ... those who without understanding the end results play with the techniques of BDSM.

    There's no confusion between Domination/submission and sexism when one understands what D/s actually is.
     
  19. Mike0950

    Mike0950 New Member

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    I enjoy the domination of a strong sexually desirous woman. But only if she enjoys her own submission. I have had weak women play the role, but it's an empty shell.. no resonance.

    I have no sadistic impulses, and not into bondage either... those are generally associated with D/S but they're not necessarily related.

    I just enjoy watching a woman liberated through her own submission. Some cock-worship is enjoyable too. lol
     
  20. amiegrrl

    amiegrrl New Member

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    (Ditto what snoozan said!)

    I'm so happy that there are actual, REAL people out there that understand D/s beyond its labels and stereotypes... !!

    I discovered D/s and BDSM at the age of 16 in an online chat room. I'll admit: I was a normal, horny teenager, just looking for some 'forbidden' fun .. and decided to see what "You Only Hurt the Ones You Love" was all about. lol ;) I didn't immediately understand what I'd found, but I knew that I identified more with these people than I ever had with the "just fuck me" types in other chat rooms I'd visited. They were .. interesting people, interested in me, and I could actually hold an intelligent conversation with most of them. Eventually, after a lot of research and introspection I realized that I was, indeed, a true submissive. I even dabbled for some time in the online world of Gor (I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this .. oh Lord) and the idea is dear to me even now. To this day my heart longs to find a loving, mature Dom who understands and cherishes me for all I would beg to give him... but I've pretty much given up ever finding such a man.

    I love the man that I am with, and we've discussed my various 'kinks' in this area. I thought that he understood to some extent what I needed from him, since he does dominate me sexually more often now that we've talked .. but recently we were discussing sex, and he stated rather matter-of-factly that I "just liked to play the victim". (sigh) A long time ago he expressed the desire for me to dominate him, and I'm a little ashamed to say that the very idea made me queasy. I would do it, but I'd feel like a complete fool .. hoping that he would enjoy himself so much as not to notice. Don't get me wrong, this isn't an issue that eats at me every day. Our sex life is good, even great sometimes .. but those are almost always the times that he is dominating me. I just hope that I'm not cheating him out of a completely fulfilling sex-life by forcing my overt submissiveness onto him. (Does that even make sense?? lol)

    Congrats on finding your One, HollyBlue!! By the sounds of your Master, He is the kind of man that many of us only dream of .. You'll doubtless have many years learning, growing and loving with him. Thank you for explaining the D/s dynamic so beautifully. It gives me hope to know that some of us do get our heart's desire!!
     
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