BDSM: Male/female Domination vs. Sexism

[vancouvergirl]

I agree and understand Holly.

I Almost wish i could totally comprehend though. I can only be submissive in bed, and only to so much of an extent.

My personality is just too dominant to totally submit to the entire idea.

I'm a switch, and sometimes it can be depressing. I'd rather wholly give to one or the other

I am a switch as well, but a submissive/switch (rather than a Domme/switch). Although i have no problem giving wholly to both.

I can be a totally devoted slave or a totally devoted Domme. It's a different mindset and i love them both. I just prefer to be a slave. And i vow to be one again!

If you find you can't be a slave completely, then just enjoy what you are capable of. Variety and spice is what it's all about.

 

[Ethyl]

However, it’s not up to me. He’s told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever have a migraine or other illness and don’t tell him, he will punish me in a way I will not enjoy -- by ignoring me for whatever period of time he deems appropriate to the offense.

For a submissive/slave, being ignored is the worst possible punishment. The thought of it strikes fear into my heart...so that and my intrinsic need not to disappoint my Master keep me very honest with him about my physical condition.

I would venture to say this is what the average Joe/Jane are ignorant about when it comes to BdSm relationships. I was under the impression that a D/s relationship was determined by desire and instinct but you've made it clear that any agreement is subject to change depending on the circumstances. I did not know that being ignored was a sub's worst nightmare but that makes perfect sense since your desire is to serve his wants and needs. Thank you for the clarification and education.

So...what would I do if he asked me to do something clearly wrong?

In considering my answer to your question, MB, I had to seriously ask myself what he might order me to do (including outside the sexual arena) that would be “clearly wrong.” For any situation I imagine, I simply cannot picture him forcing me to do something wrong, or something that would be truly destructive to either of us, or anyone else. I just cannot conceive of him putting selfish or irresponsible interests above his or my welfare.

That said, the “safe word” (in our relationship) extends even beyond the sexual arena, to any emergency situation that could occur. I have never used it, but I know that in any situation, he would rather I use the safe word to draw a necessary boundary than be harmed in any way. He may hurt me (which we both enjoy), but he would never willingly harm me. There’s a difference.

I've heard about the "safe" word and understand its place in any sexual relationship. Please forgive me. I think I failed in my attempt to be clear in that earlier question. I know that Artfullwilly would never intentionally harm you, but what happens when you give him all the necessary information and he unintentionally makes a bad decision? I'm not thinking about safety as much (although that's obviously why you offer as much information as possible) as the trust factor. If he were to make a mistake - unintentional as it may be - would you doubt his next decision? When trust has been broken in a typical relationship, it takes time to rebuild and much effort from the party who broke the trust. I'm wondering if it works differently in a BdSm relationship and if so, how? Or is this where the safe word is also necessary - when you realise he may not have made the best decision and he may be unaware? I suppose i'm picturing a scenario where if Artfulwilly were to make a mistake, then you two would discuss it at length after the scenario was completed.

This is a fun one to answer. At first, it was hard to avoid “topping from the bottom,” which is when the submissive tries to direct the Dom’s activities. It basically rains on the parade for both parties, no matter how gently it’s done, if it’s done in the context of the sexual encounter (or scene) itself. But you're right -- a Dom does need some feedback from time to time.

As a couple, we've found some delightful ways to work around this. One is that Artfulwilly loves hearing erotic stories I have written or made up in my head. As the storyteller, I incorporate things that turn me on, whether we have done them yet or not. I am very descriptive, and express sexual desire as well as sexual satisfaction well in writing (or in verbal storytelling). So even though I may not be directly saying, “Do this,” I’m keeping him tuned in to what’s going on in my mind and heart.

Ultimately, of course, it’s his choice whether and/or when to act on my “suggestions.” But there’s no question that my wishes have been made known.

Now this is what I enjoy reading about...the creativity involved in such an arrangement. :biggrin1:

In addition to my own stories, sometimes I’ll tell him about a scene I’ve enjoyed in a story written by someone else. The principle is the same -- sharing of ideas and communication of desire, without issuing orders or giving explicit direction.

Some Dominants like their submissives to keep journals, which the Dominants have access to, so they know what the submissive is thinking during scenes and during everyday life. I don’t journal specifically, because writing fiction is more fun for me, but if a sub was not quite so creatively inclined, I think journalling would be a great idea.

Finally, just recently we’ve discovered another fun way to communicate desires. We play a card game, such as Rummy 500, and for each hand that is won, the winner gets to make a wish. Whoever wins the entire game gets to make an even bigger wish.

Of course, on his side, this is a bit silly...he really doesn’t have to make wishes, because he can ask me for anything he wants anyway. But when either of us makes a wish that was won in a game of cards, we don’t doubt the legitimacy of what the other person is asking for, not one bit. One time he won, and his wish was to give me a full body massage! But I had to submit to it (oh darn) and I really did believe that was what he most wanted as a prize.

Other times I’ve won and asked him to read to me out of a BDSM-related book (which he has recently put his own spin on, by binding me to a chair, blindfolding me, stroking my pussy and torturing my nipples while reading to me...) :naughty: but you get the idea.

One time I won a hand, and flat-out asked for a “nice flogging.” Of course, the definition of “nice flogging” was left up to his interpretation, but I enjoyed every second of my prize. And for some reason, when I’m selecting a prize because I won a game, I don’t feel like I’m topping from the bottom. Instead, I feel like a kid in a candy store. :biggrin1:

*scribbles in her notebook of naughty thoughts and deeds*

Thank you HB for your candid answers to my relentless questioning. I've heard about this lifestyle mostly from straight men and the insight you and DC have given me is invaluable. I've probably learned more about my own sexuality through questioning as well as your input. I was under the impression that the BdSm lifestyle was all about boundaries and pushing them but clearly that only skims the surface.

A good education is never wasted. Thank you again for taking the time to instruct and inform. :smile:

 

[Ethyl]

One more likely to be able to protect you and your offspring from predators. (also more likely to pass this trait on)

note - think broadly concerning what I mean by predators

Isn't man his own worst enemy, so to speak? If a large vicious animal attacks a man or woman, i'd say their chances of survival are equal. Pit a man against another man who wants to harm a woman and possibly her child and i'd call that a trustworthy instinct. Is this what you're referring to?