BDSM question.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by bluekarma, Jun 21, 2007.

  1. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    I'm seeing a guy that really likes to be dominated. I've been reading all of HolyBlue's posts, and have always been intrigued when DC_Deep would post little bits and pieces regarding that form of play.

    Anyway.

    While my personality is somewhat dominate and bossy , sometimes I find it hard to give orders and be as dominate as he'd like me to be in bed. I want to, and sometimes I can get there quicker than others, but I've found that I do have a hard time initiating it. I guess maybe my problem is that I run out of creativity. We have sex A LOT and there are only so many things I can do to him or make him do before I'm like...okay, didn't we just do this?

    Another problem I've run into is that D/s sex can often times end up being mostly rough hard sex. How do you have slow passionate sex being a Dom? Would he still feel dominated if I said something like "I'm going to fuck you nice and slow tonight" instead of what I'd usually say "Get your fucking cock out so I can fuck you"...which leads to the rough stuff.

    Any ideas/suggestions and further discussion on this topic would be helpful for me, and maybe others.

    So! HB? DC? Teach me....:biggrin1:
     
  2. ruffboy

    Gold Member

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    if you're truly the dom, you can have it any way you like it i'd say. fast, slow, hard, soft, excurciatingly tantilizingly tittilatingly mind blowing as well. play around with edging, and of course tying him down will do wonders for you being completely in control. as for the "didn't we just do this", to me that seems to be more a matter of mindset. sounds like while you're definately capable (maybe sometimes more than others) of being in control and bossy, its not the only mindset you're capable of, as in, its not your all consuming fetish. your multi-dimensional so maybe every session doesn't have to be D/s but your demanding of it being that way can be seen as being the dom. i'm rambling. mostly i just want to see you in action so i can be a voyeur critic :)
     
  3. LeeEJ

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    I've never done it myself, but...

    The "have it any way you like" is definitely one way I'd approach it if it ever came up.

    What I've found interesting about this stuff is when people have said that both parties are, at once, dominant and subservient to the other. On the dom's side, you're in control, yet it's also your responsibility to pleasure the sub. As a sub, you've lost physical control, but you're also free to be pleasured by the dom.

    Maybe bring a timer, like an egg timer or something. Set it, do whatever, then when it dings, reset it and move on to something else.

    I think that most people are mistaken when they only see the dom/sub thing as bossy & abusive. There are more interesting twists out there that I'd like to experience someday.

    It's an old book by now, but I think The Joy Of Sex has a really neat take on it.
     
  4. DC_DEEP

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    CG, the creativity is the hardest part to teach/learn. But first, you should make a distinction between being bossy and being in control. It's subtle, but it really makes a difference. I had a supervisor once who loved giving orders (and if she didn't have anything worthwhile to assign, she would just go around giving nonsense orders) but she was never really in control in the office the way she should have been.

    When you say you find it hard to be in control, think about what the difficulty is. Is it hard to work up the nerve to tell him what to do, or are you second-guessing your ability to do things right, or are you just unable to think of what to do next? This is going to tie in with another paragraph, but JUST RELAX. Take your time to gather your thoughts. He's not going anywhere, and it's actually a good thing for him to anticipate, and wonder what comes next. You don't have to be tough and gruff and masculine to be in control, so don't worry about if you are "being dominant enough." Trust me, he'll get it. And as for "didn't we do this before?", that's no more of a sin in BdSm than it is in vanilla sex. Chances are, if you find yourself asking that question, it's something you liked before... and if so, there's nothing wrong with an encore presentation. Use variations - instead of a piece of rope to tie his hands, use a silk scarf. Instead of a blindfold, put a pair of your used panties over his head (or stuff them in his mouth instead of using a gag.) If you enjoy raking your fingernails across his chest, try something else scratchy - like a hairbrush. Go to the nearest "dollar store" and get a cheap feather duster, and tickle him all over with it. Bring a cup of hot tea or coffee and a glass of ice; take a sip of the hot beverage then nibble his nipples, immediately put a piece of ice on it, then your hot tongue again, alternate back and forth.

    BdSm play does not need to end in rough animal sex. Tease him. Get him hard, climb on and ride him a bit, then climb off and do something else for a few moments. Or get him inside you and hold still, warning him not to thrust. If he starts thrusting, pinch his nipples, HARD. Give him a hand job or blowjob and tell him he may not cum until you give him permission. (Of course, you make him cum, but don't give him permission. Then you get to paddle his ass for cumming without permission.) Or give him permission, and tell him where he is to cum (on your tits, on himself, on the floor, whatever... You still have to be in the "I'm in control" mindset, regardless of the activity. It doesn't all have to be rough, it doesn't all have to be painful, it doesn't all have to be a major production, it doesn't all have to be something brand new. You are in control. Make it what YOU WANT IT TO BE!!!

    And if he's been a good boy all night, you have the option of giving him permission to fuck you, as opposed to you fucking him.

    Does that help at all?
     
  5. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Wow! Thank you so much DC. I only wish I had read this last night. Those are some great suggestions, and YES it helps tremendously. I think most of all I just need to "get into character" and make it what I want it to be, instead of trying to follow some sort of specific Dom guideline.

    Last night I toyed with him a bunch, and we did it all over the house. When we first got home he was relaxing in the living room, so I walked in with only a tank top on and said "unzip your pants, pull out your cock and sit still, please"....he said "it's broad daylight, and the windows are open" (he doesn't really care about that, he was playing along)...I said "good, now shut up and do what I said". I sucked his cock until it was nice and hard and almost ready to burst and then straddled him, lowering myself until my pussy lips were barely around his cock and then raising up again...I did that until he was digging his hands into the chair and beginning to thrust upward...finally I said "grab my hips and push me down".....then we fucked hard and fast until we cummed. It was pretty hot. After reading your post, I think a good variation (maybe later in the night) would've been to approach him the same way, only maybe tie up his hands to tell him he couldn't touch me, later free them and say "only touch my clit", or something like that...just to switch it up.

    I really like the idea of being dominate but I didn't want to necessarily be mean, so I'm glad you cleared it up for me. I think we have a lot of fun ahead of us, as I begin to get more confident and try more things (like the feathers, and gags). Thanks for all the tips DC...I owe you one
    :wink:

    Thank you SK :wink: Now when can I tie you up?? Hehe....:tongue:
     
  6. DC_DEEP

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    My pleasure, CG! Now you are getting the idea! Really, the only guideline is that there is no guideline! Never let anyone tell you "That's not how a real Dom does it", because if you are the Dom, you do it how YOU want it, not how someone else wants it or thinks you should do it!
    Or order him to watch you do a slow striptease, fondle yourself, keep teasing him, occasionally touch him (very briefly) but under strict orders that he is not to touch you or himself. Keep teasing and taunting for half an hour or so, leave the room, come back... you get the idea. Drive him wild, but he is not to touch himself or you until you give permission. Again, variations on a theme. Order him to rub his cock all around your pussy and on your clit, but he is not to enter you. You get the idea, I think... Enjoy!
     
  7. stretcher74

    stretcher74 New Member

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    If it hasn't been recommended already, I strongly recommend the book "Screw the Roses send me the Thorns" as a great primer on the subject. Heck it's even a good book for those with much more experience. Please Read it and remember: Safety First .

    The gap between the number of men who want to be dominated and the number of women who are really good at being a dom is huge. If you get good at it you really can write your own ticket (to ride).

    I can and enjoy either role, although I recently had an intimate female friend who was ultimately too submissive for my taste. Going around being a "mega-dom" for her all the time was fun/trippy but ultimately a little wearing.

    Cheers !
     
  8. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the reccomendation. I think I'll pick it up. I enjoy both roles, but I am very interested in becoming a "good" Dom. Being submissive comes easily, just because I like to give up that control. I'm good at saying what I want, so with a little practice and creativity, I think the rest will come fairly easily for me as well. And lets fucking face it, even if it doesn't, I'll have fun trying :biggrin1:

     
  9. B_andyo

    B_andyo New Member

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    call his dick cute... you can dominate something cute right?
     
  10. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    last night I called it "my big beautiful cock" then I sucked on it until it was numb.....so yeah, I can :wink:
     
  11. LeeEJ

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    That little tidbit could go well into any other sex advice thread.
     
  12. DC_DEEP

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    Heheh, that's part of the point I was making, Lee. CG has, apparently, been given some misleading concepts about the BdSm. I was just trying to clear up a few things for her. BdSm is not the mysterious, highly ritualized thing many seem to think it is. Many of the concepts have identical analogs to sex in general. Dress code at functions? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. What is "right" between you and your partner? Only you and your partner can decide that. Are there rules for interacting with others at social events? Yes, some very general rules and some very specific ones. All these questions apply to BdSm, just as they apply to (for instance) the office party, or a night at the bowling alley, or a society cotillion, or a church picnic.

    There are some minor differences in etiquette in some situations. A slave or sub, in a formal social setting, would not go up to strangers and introduce herself - she would wait for her Dom or Master to introduce her to others. A Dom or Master would never directly approach a sub or slave who obviously belonged to someone else, he would ask permission from her Master.

    Otherwise, with those few types of minor traditional differences, it really is not that different.
     
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