Because I Am A Man & International Rules Of Manhood

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by hungmark, Feb 2, 2006.

  1. hungmark

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    BECAUSE I AM A MAN & INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your biltong is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

    2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    e. When she is using her teeth.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
    ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

    13.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
    remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

    21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing ie. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
    than you are able to have Sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey Sex', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

    25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or
    sky blue.

    27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation II. End of story. (BRILLIANT)

    28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
     
  2. GoneA

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    i must say, yup.
     
  3. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    Yup.
     
  4. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    Those all seem very reasonable.
     
  5. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    Those rules fall into the water is wet and toast always falls with the butter side down category. It was real good of you to write them down for our members of the female persuasion.
     
  6. AlteredEgo

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    Re: #10: I don't know. I had a regular booty call who used to do that to me. I definitely wasn't his girlfriend. I think he was just a goofball. A gross goofball. Who was good in bed. And who should reconsider his diet.

    Re: #27: Awwww. I knew it. You do love me.
     
  7. headbang8

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    These rules ARE the universal rules of manhood. They apply to gay guys as well, though you could argue the toss on 21, 14, 9, and 2b.
     
  8. b.c.

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    Except for no. 22 (should be, never talk to a guy while in the john) the rest is BRILLIANT!

    BRILLIANT!!
     
  9. Pirate Wench

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    I just thought of one you forgot...
    How's this ?

    A man may openly cry if there's been a traffic accident that involved a beer truck and all the bottles got broken.


    :smile:
     
  10. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I will talk to another guy in the john unless we are both standing at the urinals. For the simple reason that the immediate reaction is to turn your head and carry a conversation with them.

    Which, in my experience, immediatly results in both parties catching an eyefull.

    Not somewhere I want to take friendships.
     
  11. windtalkerways

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    These are incredibly funny and what
    makes them so, is that men often do
    really seem to follow so many of these
    'rules' but I think men are delicious, no
    matter their little foibles.
     
  12. B_IanTheTall

    B_IanTheTall New Member

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    I think one can cry if half the bottles break, get misty eyed over a stalled beer truck.
     
  13. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    No man shall be offered directions when he's driving unless he asks (and if he does ask, his manhood is in question.)

    No one is allowed to operate an outdoor grill but a male.
     
  14. windtalkerways

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    Humour in a man is sexy...
     
  15. headbang8

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    But not in a woman, it seems. I heard on NPR the other day that somebody did a survey on what the genders found attractive in each other. Top of the list of qualities women look for in men is sense of humour. It ranked somewhere near the bottom for men seeking females.

    Men are better than:
    • Recipies
    • Maps
    • Assembly instructions
    That's another one of those immutable rules
     
  16. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Rule #2, section c; If you already hate the fucker and are due to take leave of him, immaterial.
     
  17. Fredneck1951

    Fredneck1951 Member

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    Ah yes, eternal verities. I would make a few modifications, to wit:

    8. It's the driver's bladder that determines pit stops.
    22. No talking in a public bathroom except maybe at the sinks or in line, and no using adjacent urinals unless there are no others available.

    Also, this is culturally bounded of course, it's ok to get misty, NOT CRY, but get misty while watching "Pride of the Yankees" or "Brian's Song".
     
  18. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    I'll trump you on that; Get teary-eyed and a runny nose if the truck should land on your yard with only a small percentage of the bottle busted and not shaken up.
     
  19. delivery boy

    delivery boy New Member

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    I agree. Speaking as a big Bears fan, "Brian's Song" is an acceptiable time to get a little misty.
     
  20. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Re: #11:

    Must be provisional on the fact that you are not encumbered by your GF, and that you won this trip otherwise it's all a dream.
     
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