Becoming friends after breaking up and getting back together?

[NottsBound]

Hi

I recently asked for some advice here and it worked great! So thank you all again!

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years after a nasty argument because "she couldn't love me they way I want her to" - She studies a full time post grad course so she's always studying and doesn't have much time for a social life and is always stressed.

We are in a long distance relationship which started off with us living close to each other. She only lives an hour away but I can't drive yet so it can be a bit difficult with her schedule. (currently learning to drive)

We have just become friends again, we met yesterday and had a wonderful time which shows that we are actually great together. We talked about everything but the breakup. Had fun in the snow etc etc. We just recently become friends on facebook again so we can chat too.

We ended the day saying that she knows I will always want more from this relationship but because she's in the middle of exams, she cannot commit to the relationship yet. In fact she said she's open for going on a date or an excursion once her exams are over (in a bit over 2 weeks.)

She isn't seeing anyone, flirting with anyone because she's always been the introvert, old fashion type of girl. She works incredibly had in her course.

I have hope in that this relationship can be much better than before and she is willing to get it a try once she has more free time after the exams.

I guess what I'm asking for is...how do I cope with the constant need to contact her like before? I miss the good night texts, conversations and what we used to have before. Considering we had an amazing day together yesterday, what would be the best actions for me to take while I wait for her to finish her exams? How often should I contact her? Should I send her a valentines gift? as I always have as a boyfriend.
Should I go see her for a day out sometime in between these 3 weeks?

Any help would be great, my heart hurts knowing I can't be with her or have the same things as before but it's slowly feeling better knowing I can still trust her, talk to her, see her and that we are going to give it another try.

 

[rtg]

I think that you should just try and leave the ball in her court for awhile. Give her a bit of space...maybe she will realise she really misses you.

If you really want to get her a valentines gift, I don't think that there would be much of an issue with this..but it all depends if you guys have set rules or whatever for your relationship. I'd say get her something really thoughtful...something to make her know that you really do care about her and listen to her and want to support her.

 

[gwmasiahk]

Allow her the time to finish her exams, it's only two to three weeks! Let her know that you enjoyed seeing her again and that you look forward to seeing her once again when she has completed her exams. Send her the odd message of support and when she has finished, then offer to take her out for a celebratory dinner. Good luck!!

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I think giving her plenty of space is a good idea - these exams mean a lot to her, as far as I can tell from what you've said, the most thoughtful thing you can do is allow her to give them her undivided attention.

Should you go see her? That's up to her, really- let her know you want to but that you know she's studying and may not have time - make sure she knows that is OK with you. DO NOT show up on a surprise visit. If I were you I wouldn't initiate contact more than once a day - once every 2 or 3 days might be better if you can do it. If you see her on facebook pop her a smilie - but maybe also ask is she busy or does she have time to chat... Let her know you're there to be talked to but if she's busy studying you're not going to be pissy if she gets on with it. If she does say she's busy suggest that she contact you later if she wants to - if she doesn't contact you later then leave it.

This is how I felt about contact from my friends when I was studying for my finals - It was nice to know they were thinking of me, but even nicer to know there was no pressure. She may not be just like me but I still think it is a good idea to let her be in control of the contact between you during these exams - not that she should be in control of the entire relationship and you not at all, but during her exams it would be very considerate of you to leave the ball in her court.

As for the gift - a little something sounds appropriate to me. Not jewelry, for example. And not an 'I wuv you' teddy - I don't actually know anyone who likes those.

 

[redbear52]

I agree with all of the above posters. Leave her plenty of room. A Valentine's gift would be fine but not too expensive, and not the kind of thing that would identify her as your lover. Include a card that says how much you enjoyed seeing her. Then wait at least a couple of weeks to allow her to contact you. If she does not, I would be tempted to call her and ask her if she is free to go out.

 

[NottsBound]

Ahh thanks a lot guys. I need to. Keep this in mind but I still feel pain. I worry that we might never get a proper chance. I still get a bit jealous even when I completely trust her. I just don't want to lose this girl.

So for valentines, a card should suffice or a random present?

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Random? No - not random - you know her well, get something small she will like and that shows you know what kind of thing she likes. If you are really intent on winning her back the more tailored the gift is to her likes the better.

 

[NottsBound]

Thank you. I think I'm write her a letter and make a CD then send it to her. With the odd good luck for your exams message! It's just a shame she never initiates contact.

 

[red_man]

You're clearly a thoughtful guy. That kind of gift sounds perfect. I think you'll have to keep reminding yourself that she's under a lot of pressure just now; that she wants to do well in her exams. The day you spent together will anchor good memories for both of you. When the pressure has eased off, it may well be that she initiates contact. Let her know you're still there for her. Hoping it goes well for you both.

 

[madman411]

It's just a shame she never initiates contact.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm in a similar situation to you at the moment and a lot of what you've mentioned in your original post are thoughts that have also crossed my mind too. Chances are she is preoccupied and contacting you isn't the first thing on her mind, even though she probably thinks about you. It could also be that she just isn't the type of person to go out of her way to initiate a conversation with someone... or she's attempting to take things slowly after the history between you two.

I'm typically the person that starts a conversation and usually the person who has the last word. Like everyone else has said, give her some space... she might text you tomorrow! Through experience, at this point don't keep trying to talk to her on the regular. Due to her busy schedule she'll probably begin to get frustrated and eventually start to push away.

Don't try to figure people out either. Even when I'm busy I always take a second to text or call someone back, or at least tell them I'm too busy to talk at that moment in time. I don't understand why people can't do the same, but like I said, there's just no point in trying to figure out.

Let us know how it all goes

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

What has helped for changing my behaviour is understanding why I act or feel the way I do.

Just like I would question why you would have to emphasize the fact that she is a good ol fashioned girl who just likes to study and is not pre-occupied with other men.
Not saying anything about if she does or does not but you may want to think about why you want us to know so badly she's a good girl.
Similar to guys using the line "no homo"

As for my first unprofessional impression on why you act the way you do, is because in all other aspects of your life given what you previously told us you were failing or at least not owning up to it.
Bit by bit losing control in different aspects of your life and this relationship was the last thing you did have succes with untill recently and you are desperately trying to reclaim control by demanding her full attention by texts, chats and whatever.

This is by no means a professional statement/opinion but I do think you will lessen the urge to control this relationship if you gain back control in other aspects of your life like work, education, hobbies, skills etc.

 

[ThicknMoan]

Odd, just the other week I broke up with my long time gf. Truth be told, we dated....er, tried to date over the past 5 years. But we always had these unbearable bad patches that end in terrible fights leading to several months of seperation. Then we get back together, its all good, then fight again etc etc lol DRAMA!!

Well now we came to an agreement - JUST FRIENDS. We just had to admit that we are terrible together on an intimate level. But because we still want each other in our lives, the friendship thang is the best way to go.

Yes it weird, yes it is f*cked - but TOUGH. Life can't be perfect even in love or friendship. We are already talking via phone and texting like good friends. We even talk about the breakup.
She called me the other day and I said "hey I know you. You hate my guts."
"Yes, I am still angry for what you did."
"Well guess what, I am still angry at you too" :biggrin1:

Perhaps in the future we will hang out again. Yes, there will be temptation and jealousy but I just have to remember that the bad times are not worth ruining her day and mine. It takes a certain level of perspective and strength to keep it together with someone you obviously care deeply for.

I can see that our new love/hate relationship is going to be hilarious!

Life is pretty odd and interesting sometimes!


maybe now I can tell her that I am a member of LPSG. hahahaha

 

[NottsBound]

Thank you so much for the replies. What you have said has made me realise my insecurites.

I realised my happiness depends on if she contacts me and how she feels towards me, how can I change that?

I feel terrible as the days go by she doesn't contact me, whether it's on facebook or by phone. I know she is busy but it feels terrible that she doesn't need me the way she used to.

How would you guys suggest to get rid of this insecurity? How do I get rid of the need to be in contact with her?

 

[ThicknMoan]

haha i sure someone will say get another fbuddy or drink or something.

I "dated" many times when I wasnt with her. but always came back.

Now just got to accept and understand it is best to not date her.

You just get use to it. you still got the good memories

hopefully no hate in yer heart

In future, you will just smile when ya think about her and not feel hatred or jealousy

just some thoughts

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

Thank you so much for the replies. What you have said has made me realise my insecurites.

I realised my happiness depends on if she contacts me and how she feels towards me, how can I change that?

I feel terrible as the days go by she doesn't contact me, whether it's on facebook or by phone. I know she is busy but it feels terrible that she doesn't need me the way she used to.

How would you guys suggest to get rid of this insecurity? How do I get rid of the need to be in contact with her?

About the Valentine's Day gift... a note and CD sounds good... but please consider making the letter lighthearted and fun for her to read. Try to put in some things you know will make her laugh. She's at a point where she doesn't need anything heavy or romantic right now. On the CD, add some fun songs.

Now to address your insecurities: There is not much I can say, but somehow you need to come to a point in your life where you understand that you cannot depend on others for your happiness. You must find happiness within yourself. Love yourself first.

I was faced with the reality at a very, very young age that I could possibly lose my young husband to a freak illness. For two days, I struggled with having to make plans for my young daughter and myself without her dad. It was tough, but I found strength inside me and realized at some point during that time that my happiness did not depend on him or anyone else. It HAD to come from within. I accepted fate, whatever it may be and decided to choose "acceptance". (FWIW, he lived, after all had given up on hope, he pulled out of a 48 hour crisis situation and is still with me many years later.)

I tell you this story because everyone should learn the people around you that you love are only temporary. You must find happiness within you. Truth is, she could vanish tomorrow. Yes, you'd cry, you'd be heartbroken, but you will have to continue to live. And find happiness within you.

I have a suggestion for you: Get a journal and when you want to talk to her, write it down. When you want her to text you, write it down. Write all your thoughts and feelings down in this journal. Don't re-read them every day. Just write for now. And then read them in 3 weeks.

I'm hoping that two things will happen at the end of 3 wks: 1. You will get stronger every day and 2. When you re-read them at the end of 3 weeks you will see how you sound, and putting yourself in her shoes... (she will have had to listen to all this, had you continued to text her or talk on the phone) ask yourself: Is this the kind of person I would want to date? If not, only you can change that. Are you being too clingy still? Yes, I think so, from what I'm reading. Can you change? Time ... time away from her, time on your own.

good luck