Becoming happy on my own again?

[NottsBound]

Hey guys. I'm a dude in his late 20s in a long term relationship facing a major change in said relationship. We moved to a new city living apart. We used to live with each other, now in a new city living in diff apartments.

Well during time living together I became very dependant on my partner, which was fine at the time cos it was mutual and the needs were satisfied.

Now my partner has serious career commitments, I'm taking a back seat in order to support them.

What I've realised is that without this person, I don't have much and if they broke up with me, I would be in a deep, deep hole. A life in really do not want to live.

Recently, we've had moments where we've both broke down crying because she feels she can't satisfy me and I feel like she's slipping away so early in our new chapter of life in this new city.

Right now, I'm holding this terrible pain and trying not to smother my partner during this holidays as we're away from each other. I don't want too drive her away but it's hard right now. I can't talk to family and I don't want to bother my friends. Usually she's my rock and I'm hers but I don't want to be a nuisance to her.

The depression is excruciating and I'm here suffering in silence....even though I know what I have to do to help our relationship. I need to be more emotionally independent and find happiness within myself outside the relationship.

But still these quiet holiday nights make me feel so lonely and in pain. I don't know how to cope at the moment....

Hoping to let this out to you wonderful people. In the hope that maybe you could help me and I can stop myself from slipping deeper.

Thank you and I wish you all a lovely Christmas and New Years.

 

[328982]

Hey guys. I'm a dude in his late 20s in a long term relationship facing a major change in said relationship. We moved to a new city living apart. We used to live with each other, now in a new city living in diff apartments.

Well during time living together I became very dependant on my partner, which was fine at the time cos it was mutual and the needs were satisfied.

Now my partner has serious career commitments, I'm taking a back seat in order to support them.

What I've realised is that without this person, I don't have much and if they broke up with me, I would be in a deep, deep hole. A life in really do not want to live.

Recently, we've had moments where we've both broke down crying because she feels she can't satisfy me and I feel like she's slipping away so early in our new chapter of life in this new city.

Right now, I'm holding this terrible pain and trying not to smother my partner during this holidays as we're away from each other. I don't want too drive her away but it's hard right now. I can't talk to family and I don't want to bother my friends. Usually she's my rock and I'm hers but I don't want to be a nuisance to her.

The depression is excruciating and I'm here suffering in silence....even though I know what I have to do to help our relationship. I need to be more emotionally independent and find happiness within myself outside the relationship.

But still these quiet holiday nights make me feel so lonely and in pain. I don't know how to cope at the moment....

Hoping to let this out to you wonderful people. In the hope that maybe you could help me and I can stop myself from slipping deeper.

Thank you and I wish you all a lovely Christmas and New Years.

Can you find a way to live together in the new city? Not sure why you have to live apart to support your partner's career commitments - or is this something that she wants? Sure you aren't a nuisance or smothering, it's natural to want to be together especially over the holiday period, which can be so bleak. Hope things look up for you soon.

 

[Anthony_OZ]

Hey guys. I'm a dude in his late 20s in a long term relationship facing a major change in said relationship. We moved to a new city living apart. We used to live with each other, now in a new city living in diff apartments.

Well during time living together I became very dependant on my partner, which was fine at the time cos it was mutual and the needs were satisfied.

Now my partner has serious career commitments, I'm taking a back seat in order to support them.

What I've realised is that without this person, I don't have much and if they broke up with me, I would be in a deep, deep hole. A life in really do not want to live.

Recently, we've had moments where we've both broke down crying because she feels she can't satisfy me and I feel like she's slipping away so early in our new chapter of life in this new city.

Right now, I'm holding this terrible pain and trying not to smother my partner during this holidays as we're away from each other. I don't want too drive her away but it's hard right now. I can't talk to family and I don't want to bother my friends. Usually she's my rock and I'm hers but I don't want to be a nuisance to her.

The depression is excruciating and I'm here suffering in silence....even though I know what I have to do to help our relationship. I need to be more emotionally independent and find happiness within myself outside the relationship.

But still these quiet holiday nights make me feel so lonely and in pain. I don't know how to cope at the moment....

Hoping to let this out to you wonderful people. In the hope that maybe you could help me and I can stop myself from slipping deeper.

Thank you and I wish you all a lovely Christmas and New Years.

Hey mate, merry Christmas. I went through something similar a couple of years ago. A co-dependency does not a relationship make.

Firstly, do not ever feel ashamed to talk to your family or friends. This kills a ridiculous amount of men through suicide in my country (Australia) each year as they feel embarrassed to discuss this. Friends and family are there for a reason, and more often than not, they have been through something similar.

Also - give yourself permission to feel horrible and shit. You’ve made a big change, so know that this is completely normal. I would also like you to confirm by talking to a health professional that this depression you’re feeling is either situational or something deeper. I spoke to a therapist for a long time and it was the best thing i ever did.

My situation was such that i had a very smothering partner in a New city. I never had a moment to myself, coupled with work stress sent me into a depression which I never thought i would get out of. Ultimately, she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t enough to help me out of this, so I broke up with her and decided I was going to get better on my own.

It was excruciating at first. I never thought I’d get out of it. However, with friends and family around I pulled through and have never looked back. The best decision i ever made. She ended up hooking up with my best friend, but that’s another totally unrelated story (I got through that too! ).

Not saying you should do what i did, but talk to your friends and family. Don’t be ashamed. Know that there is life outside a codependency with your partner. You were fine before her right? Start getting back into your old hobbies and do the things you used to enjoy. Even if it’s painful at first, believe me, it will always pass.

Merry Christmas!

 

[Dave NoCal]

It is my understanding that the public medical system in Germany provides for two years of weekly counseling no questions asked. Consider using this potentially wonderful benefit.

 

[NottsBound]

Can you find a way to live together in the new city? Not sure why you have to live apart to support your partner's career commitments - or is this something that she wants? Sure you aren't a nuisance or smothering, it's natural to want to be together especially over the holiday period, which can be so bleak. Hope things look up for you soon.

It was a decision we came to together a while back. We like to have our own separate space. It was fine for me but then last week I hit this wall of loneliness and neediness. It came all of a sudden...maybe I do want to live her but at the same time. I shouldn't satisfy my need for co-dependancy.

Thank you for your words. It means a lot.

It is my understanding that the public medical system in Germany provides for two years of weekly counseling no questions asked. Consider using this potentially wonderful benefit.

Thank you for the tip. I wish I was still living there!

 

[NottsBound]

Hey mate, merry Christmas. I went through something similar a couple of years ago. A co-dependency does not a relationship make.

Firstly, do not ever feel ashamed to talk to your family or friends. This kills a ridiculous amount of men through suicide in my country (Australia) each year as they feel embarrassed to discuss this. Friends and family are there for a reason, and more often than not, they have been through something similar.

Also - give yourself permission to feel horrible and shit. You’ve made a big change, so know that this is completely normal. I would also like you to confirm by talking to a health professional that this depression you’re feeling is either situational or something deeper. I spoke to a therapist for a long time and it was the best thing i ever d

First of all, thank you ever so much for your reply. It means a lot.

Regarding talking to family. For religious reasons, it's hard to actually talk to them. The topic is tricky and would never actuallly help without being redirected into a conversation about religion. I have been thinking about it recenty but it's tricky like I said.

My situation was such that i had a very smothering partner in a New city. I never had a moment to myself, coupled with work stress sent me into a depression which I never thought i would get out of. Ultimately, she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t enough to help me out of this, so I broke up with her and decided I was going to get better on my own.

It was excruciating at first. I never thought I’d get out of it. However, with friends and family around I pulled through and have never looked back. The best decision i ever made. She ended up hooking up with my best friend, but that’s another totally unrelated story (I got through that too! ).

Not saying you should do what i did, but talk to your friends and family. Don’t be ashamed. Know that there is life outside a codependency with your partner. You were fine before her right? Start getting back into your old hobbies and do the things you used to enjoy. Even if it’s painful at first, believe me, it will always pass.

Merry Christmas!

It's very helpful hearing how it is to be on the other side of the situation.. I would like to be as suppoting as I can but I'm also quite paranoid of her difting away.

I'm very glad it worked out fo you in the end. I guess it always does but it really doesn't feel that way in the middle of the storm.

How would you have advised your gf at the time in order to help adjust?

Merry Chrismas to you too

 

[EllieP]

Learning to become independent again is like being born again, and not in the religious way. It's difficult to grow up already being grown. I was forced to do that when I left my ex many years ago. But I had a support system in place with my parents. Otherwise, I don't know how I would have done it in the beginning. But I just as quickly moved away to a new city with no support network at all.

This was a baptism by fire. I had to immediately sit down and take stock of what I needed to do to survive. It didn't help that I had a child with me to worry about as well.

Those nine plus years of being independent strengthened me, but also made me crave a relationship. And when I finally found my soulmate I immediately abandoned all of my independence and became his. But I will confess now that there was always something uncomfortable about the relationship regardless of how good it felt at the time.

I wasn't my own person anymore. I was his. And I bet if you ask him and he's honest he'll say he wasn't exactly comfortable with it as well. I know he felt guilty when he had to leave or he dragged me along.

Being depressed when you're in a comfortable position is so difficult to understand. It seems you have it all, but there is something huge that's missing. I understand why people who have nothing to strive for do drugs or go on binges. I did neither, but I was becoming depressed.

After a while, and it was a long while, I realized I was losing who I was, who I spent years building.

I would never leave him, but I had to do something. I had to find that person who I was before I met him. And you know what's so cool? He helped me become that independent person.

We're both very comfortable being two very distinct personalities, interdependent and independent.

He has his own business, and I have mine. And we both want no part in the others.

It's going to be a climb. It's going to take some strength. Get help. She may give you the help you need, but you're going to have to ask for it.

I wish you well.

 

[enricocaruso2]

I have not had your experiences, but I've lived with depression. When I am depressed, I feel drained because I try to "mind-read" other people and provide all the answers. I think I read some of this in your post? Maybe these suggestions will help?

You've written that talking to your partner risks smothering her/ driving her away. It's worth remembering that your chats are also cute and funny and what she enjoys It'll probably take lots of little conversations to address your needs and her needs, what works and doesn't work. This is not a selfish thing to do: your post shows how much you care already.

The great thing is that even the times when working together feels frustrating or challenging will achieve more than trying to anticipate everything she'll say/ imaging the perfect response which can be really tiring...

I get why you don't want to bother your friends, but they might not see it that way. They might see it as helping you/ being honest/ might bring you closer. When I avoided my friends, it was because I felt guilty about seeming vulnerable. But that means ignoring all the times they have been sad, frustrated or confused and I was there as a friend or the times when I'll be there for them in the future.

Don't worry about bothering your friends; they are not that fragile, and they will probably turn to you in the future when it's their turn to talk

Maybe writing what you enjoy about your relationship and what you miss from before would make things more concrete? It can feel like everything needs to change, but small changes add up, e.g. studying something new/ catching up with friends/ old interests.

Looking after your feelings is not ignoring her or detracting from your relationship: instead, it means you are in better shape to respond to change and for when you make decisions.

Wishing you all the best for a happy and healthy 2018 x

 

[KennF]

You're getting lots of good insights here.

First and foremost, you need to trust yourself. You picked your friends and relationship. You trust these people. They are there for the good times and the bad. And, don't take this to extremes, but in a way, you do them a disservice by not sharing your concerns and troubles with them.

I bet you're the type that feels good when you can be supportive or helpful or show that you care. So, while your family may bring their religious baggage, they do so out of love. Friends may not be able to fully relate, but they are going to show you that they care and offer you support in whatever way they are able to give it.

And your girlfriend, if she's really the girl you think she is, then she will be delighted that she is able to help you. It may be that your holding back is why she feels she can't satisfy you. Some of the hardest parts of my life have been when I needed to show more vulnerability and be more trusting on others.

My husband and I have had a long patch of problems with his schedule. At times, the loneliness for each of us nears the breaking point. Coupled with some health issues that are interfering with our sex life, and both of us wonder why the other one stays. It takes a great deal of strength to accept that he loves me and that we will be able to work through the scheduling. When I am down, I call upon my friends, family and my husband to just reassure me that it will be okay. And that is EXACTLY what I ask for... "Please tell me it will be okay. I need to hear the words." They then let me spill out all the fears and loneliness... and they replace it with the reassurance and love I need in the moment.

It brings us closer together.

Sorry... I didn't mean this to come off as my problems. I hope my situation brings some clarity to yours.

 

[ohiorod]

Keep in mind that the best relationships are made up of two whole people that bring strong people to a relationship. Work on being a strong person with interests, friends and your own personality. It not only makes you more attractive to your partner, but you also become happier and less empty. Even volunteer work makes you a stronger person. And keep in mind that when you “ support “ someone, you don’t do it by being needy.

Good luck!

 

[NottsBound]

Being depressed when you're in a comfortable position is so difficult to understand. It seems you have it all, but there is something huge that's missing. I understand why people who have nothing to strive for do drugs or go on binges. I did neither, but I was becoming depressed.

This for me is golden. Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot and you set a good example for those in similar situations

 

[NottsBound]

Keep in mind that the best relationships are made up of two whole people that bring strong people to a relationship. Work on being a strong person with interests, friends and your own personality. It not only makes you more attractive to your partner, but you also become happier and less empty. Even volunteer work makes you a stronger person. And keep in mind that when you “ support “ someone, you don’t do it by being needy.

Good luck!

For sure! This is my life goal at the moment. Being that strong, independant person as cliche as that sounds. What you say makes total sense. It may take a while though!

 

[NottsBound]

You're getting lots of good insights here.


Sorry... I didn't mean this to come off as my problems. I hope my situation brings some clarity to yours.

Do not apologise, your words and backstory are more helpful than you can imagine

 

[Galloper]

Merry Xmas. Bud dont keep all this to yourself. talk with somebody you trust.

 

[deleted1074483]

Hey mate, merry Christmas. I went through something similar a couple of years ago. A co-dependency does not a relationship make.

Firstly, do not ever feel ashamed to talk to your family or friends. This kills a ridiculous amount of men through suicide in my country (Australia) each year as they feel embarrassed to discuss this. Friends and family are there for a reason, and more often than not, they have been through something similar.

Also - give yourself permission to feel horrible and shit. You’ve made a big change, so know that this is completely normal. I would also like you to confirm by talking to a health professional that this depression you’re feeling is either situational or something deeper. I spoke to a therapist for a long time and it was the best thing i ever did.

My situation was such that i had a very smothering partner in a New city. I never had a moment to myself, coupled with work stress sent me into a depression which I never thought i would get out of. Ultimately, she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t enough to help me out of this, so I broke up with her and decided I was going to get better on my own.

It was excruciating at first. I never thought I’d get out of it. However, with friends and family around I pulled through and have never looked back. The best decision i ever made. She ended up hooking up with my best friend, but that’s another totally unrelated story (I got through that too! ).

Not saying you should do what i did, but talk to your friends and family. Don’t be ashamed. Know that there is life outside a codependency with your partner. You were fine before her right? Start getting back into your old hobbies and do the things you used to enjoy. Even if it’s painful at first, believe me, it will always pass.

Merry Christmas!

extremely well put and completely agree with all you've said.

The main maxim is you have to love yourself in order to love others, as in you have to like yourself, be happy with who you are and be willing to expose yourself to the pain of speaking out. It does get better, but mostly you need to talk, either with good friends ideally with your partner and just explain how you're feeling.

good luck and I hope your new year improves.