Becoming Your Own Advocate?

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

In Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In, she writes the following:

"Women are also more reluctant to apply for promotions even when deserved, often believing that good job performance will naturally lead to rewards. Carol Frohlinger and Deborah Kolb, founders of Negotiating Women, In., describe this as "Tiara Syndrome," where women "expect that if they keep doing their job well someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head." In a perfect meritocracy, tiaras would be doled out to the deserving, but I have yet to see one floating around an office. Hard work should be recognized by others, but when they aren't, advocating for oneself becomes necessary."

So, my question is, do you advocate for yourself? Professionally: Are you requesting appropriate compensation for the value of your labor and promotions when deserved? Personally: Are you with or seeking a mate who will partner with you to succeed in your endeavors?

Has advocating for yourself been fraught with difficulty or easy? For all who feel comfortable in the role, what event(s) influenced you to begin acting on your own behalf?

 

[AlteredEgo]

I'm an egoist and cannot relate to people who don't like congratulating themselves. I half wish to be kidding, but I'm serious like back-taxes. Look at my post history; I love talking about myself. And when talking about myself can get me more money? Are you kidding me? Who could stop me!? I encourage anyone who has wasted time in bullshit positions below his or her skillset to OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

Simply asking for shit I want nets it lots of times. Internship with Johnnie Cochran? Asked for in an elevator, and granted. Internship with state supreme court*justice? Asked for in an elevator and granted. Meeting with Al Sharpton to discuss opening his headquarters up to interns from my school? Originally asked for in the office of a state senator, and eventually granted. Why was I in that office? I asked the chief of staff for an internship, and he created it just for me. And that's just some of the outrageous antics of my junior year in high school. Show me an internship a poly-sci major or law school student would murder sweet old ladies and their kittens for, and I probably had been there and done that before I turned 19. I never made a single pot of coffee or ran any nonsense errands like dry-cleaning. (Well, I babysat for a city councilman, but I wanted to.)

I also took an entry-level position in an industry in which I had zero prior experience in 2011. Within the month I was promoted into management. Why? I did my damn' job and (honestly, as a joke, on a lark) asked a district manager for a promotion. Done! I have never held a job for more than four months without either a promotion or a significant raise. I ask for these things, and I get them.

I have a 4.0 GPA. You don't get that by letting professors roll you. You damn' sure dont get that if you can't work around a power-tripping TA. You will occasionally have to regulate situations and insist upon that A. You fucking earned it! I need some merit scholarships. Fuck these arrogant teachers who probably teach because they found out they don't actually like to do. Are they going to pay for grad school? NO! I'm going to pay for it by doing what I have to do in undergrad, and then opening my big mouth until I find enough scholarship and grant money.

Look. I'm not just some bitch who's full of herself. I'm a very punctual, hard-working, morale-boosting bitch who's full of herself. Put your head down, get your shit done, learn all you can find to learn, volunteer for extra responsibility, show up on time, stay until the project is where it needs to be, and then politely ask for recompense. If you take some shitty job because it is the stepping stone to the one you really want, go make friends in that department. Who cares about the people in your department? Let 'em eat cake! (Seriously, if you bring them cake, they won't notice you snubbing them. True story.) Go make friends where you're trying to go. Oh, but don't bring cake too often; it makes you look like a pussy. If pain is weakness leaving the body, weakness is money leaving your pockets.

I can't help you find the stones to speak up for yourself. All I can tell you is that finding them is worth it. I live like this: I want what I want, and I want it yesterday. If I earned it the day before yesterday, do not let tomorrow come without you giving it to me. I recognize my value, and back up my bravado with action. Value me like I do, or I'm already gone to where they do. If you are afraid to live that way, or feel undeserving, get a spine. Carry it in a bucket if you have to but holy horsehit-shit, Batman, get out of your own freakin' way!

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

AE, you definitely come by it naturally. Your post is smile inducing, and reminds me of something my grandmother would tell me, and then close with how she was a female, minority business owner when it was dangerous. Literally.

Anyway, having felt similarly in the past, your points are perfect, though I feel something has changed in my mindset over the last few months. I remain confident in what I bring to the table professionally - in fact, I am the best overall in the department and while I am not an egoist, I feel deserving of recognition and do declare my successes. However, I think the main reason I really enjoyed my previous position is because everything I achieved was attributed to me solely and I relaxed in full "Tiara Syndrome" serenity as I was amply compensated and rewarded for my work without constantly pushing against barriers or confronting faulty perceptions about the value of my work. That period offered a much-needed respite from where I was before, where there was no balance, just hard work, and lots of cutthroat behavior. It was a nice change, but a tough approach to break free of because it feels "right."

Now I work in a different environment, where there is a tendency by the division director to almost exclusively address the male figures on my team and not acknowledge most of the "heavy lifting" is actually accomplished by another female and myself. We can't figure out if this is due to gender, race, cultural issues, or because we're mouthy bitches *shrug.* I’m definitely back in the negative, push and elbow yourself to the fore corporate culture. Since I am not one to be overlooked, I‘ve returned to making a point of distinguishing my individual efforts while highlighting participation in joint efforts and taking the lead on a variety of levels. Due to my exceptional contributions, I have recently requested an additional salary increase. It will be my second in the last nine months after a recent promotion, but is rightly deserved.

The only thing is, with this latest request I have mixed feelings - I deserve it, I requested it, I justified it, but there's something in the back of my mind at work and I can't describe it. At this point, I feel mouthy, bossy, and that I demand a lot, but these characteristics are used in the interest of making the organization and I more successful. I know I'm being reasonable, yet there's still this creeping doubt, so I'm reading Sandberg's book and thinking, "yes!" for a lot of it, and taking time to identify where I've become a bit complacent professionally because it was easier to concentrate on other issues and go with the flow previously.

I also want to set a good example for the junior women in the department, I act as an advocate for them now, but I want them to know what is possible and how to initiate salary increases and negotiate promotions when I am no longer with the organization. This whole back of the mind doubt thing is new, but I think my own ego/pride/desire to excel and realizing the importance of setting an example for these women will help me not take on the corporate negativity. Certainly not to my own detriment. I am, as you described, “not just some bitch who's full of herself. I'm a very punctual, hard-working, morale-boosting bitch who's full of herself." I can't do ball-less or half-assed just to get a paycheck, so I'll continue to work my ass off and push back (that's a given), the issue is remembering to value and take pride in it.

 

[EllieP]

I went to college in my early 20s as a single parent. My own parents' support helped me get a 4.0 GPA. I excelled in all of my classes and was driven to succeed. But when I got into the real world I was milktoast. I did my job to the best of my ability. Got great performance reviews and a standard 3-4% raise every year.

Then I had a supervisor who took me under his wing. I have to admit at first that I thought he had ulterior motives because no one in authority paid that much attention to me.

But he told me that I was a fantastic worker and could do the job of two people - but nobody in a position of authority knew about it! My co-workers knew how good I was because I was helping them out of jams all the time. But the bosses didn't know.

Two things he told me: learn to say no and toot my own horn. Both of them were very hard for me. So I had to practice. I had to learn that saying no to a co-worker meant that I could still be friends. After all, they would tell me no all the time. So eventually paying full attention to my own job made my work get noticed. I started trumpeting my accomplishments at every opportunity. I used to be shy about entering my work in contests but after I won the first the rest came easy. I became a manager less than a year later.

Now I have my own business and I have to self-promote a lot. I also say no a lot. And I'm always on the prowl for that exceptional worker who never lets on what he/she does and doesn't know how to turn people down.

I understand why my boss did that for me, because it now gives me great pleasure to see someone that I hired with little experience leave to go on to bigger and better things like starting their own business.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

Ellie, wonderful to know you have benefited from mentorship and then paid it forward.

Yes, learning to say no is so important! Not just in terms of making sure one has a life outside of work, but also because the go-to person is too often taken for granted. There's a lady in my office who say yes to every request and now it is expected she will complete all extra tasks and duties. She does not leverage her position for any additional compensation, the company's not offering, so that's now her role. I think she told me a few weeks ago she doesn't know how to start that kind of conversation, think I will discuss it with her tomorrow.

 

[EllieP]

My husband has two sayings about that:

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"When you help a man when he's down, he'll remember you when he's down again."

 

[helgaleena]

I cannot pretend to know how to do these things, EllieP & FightsLikeAGirl ... I have been told I could succeed at anything if i wished to apply myself. The wish is what's lacking.