Been with my bf for 4 years - need some advice

[bounced]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

Before we met he was talking to this guy on grindr who was in a long term open relationship. Let's call this guy Dave. He stopped talking to Dave and everyone else after we got together. Dave contacted him about a year ago and told him that he had broken up with his partner and was looking for some friends as his partner had kept all their mutual friends when they broke up. I wasn't sure about this at first and thought Dave was wanting to hook up. Eventually we all hung out and became good friends and everything seemed innocent. About 6 months later Dave got a new bf and immediately stopped all contact with us. I thought this was rude and my bf was offended.

My bf has had a habit of looking at my phone and messages ever since we met. He swore it wasn't because he doesn't trust me (although 2 of his previous exes cheated on him) and he was just catching up on things that I forget to tell him (which does happen alot). I never was someone who would go through their partner's phone but because he looked at mine one night when he was asleep I thought fair is fair and looked at his. I went through old chats with Dave during the time we were all 'friends' and found very sexual conversations. My bf did say during these chats that he wanted to have a threesome together. There was never any discussion about them fucking behind my back. There were even times when they were both at work and they were saying that pre cum was leaking through their pants because they were so turned on. Dave sent a video of himself jerking off. My bf sent photos of his ass but not his cock. I was very angry when I found these messages but weirdly I was also very turned on. I would've been open to a threesome potentially but it never eventuated. My partner was very apologetic and ashamed of himself and said that Dave 'brought something out in him'. Dave was very dominating during the chats and my bf was submissive. I asked if that was something that turns him on and if he wanted to try doing s&m etc. but my bf said he didn't.
A few months passed and I found myself going through his phone again. In his Instagram messages I found flirty chats with another guy he used to 'talk to' before we met. I had also spoken to this guy before but very limited and non sexual. The chats I found were sexual but nothing in depth, just a few comments and innuendo. I was still upset with this and confronted my bf. He again was apologetic and ashamed of himself and said it didn't mean anything and that he had never had sex with this guy as had never met him.

While using his laptop to do some of my work one weekend I found porn in his recent files. This doesn't bother me because I look at porn occasionally and think this is normal. The files I found listed in recent files had been deleted but the names were still there. I didn't say anything at the time. About a month later we had an argument about him not being turned on and not wanting to have sex. I asked if watching porn together could help him to be turned on. He said no and that he hasn't watched porn for over a year. I told him I found the recent files about 3 weeks ago and asked him why he would say he hasn't watched porn for a year when he clearly has watched it recently. He told me he couldn't remember watching it or how long ago he had watched it. I challenged him on this but he wouldn't change his response.
Finally this week he has been away for work and I was using his laptop. I saw he had Instagram open and checked his messages and went back to the chats with the guy he said he never had sex with and never met. I scrolled back to their chats before my bf and I met and it's very clear that they did meet, went on 2 dates and did fuck because the guy was talking about being at my bfs house.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here by posting this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am upset with my bfs repeated lying and I don't believe he has or would physically cheat on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess I would like some advice about what to do about this. I don't understand why he claims to have a low sex drive yet I've caught him multiple times talking sexually to other guys online. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, but I know I'm a pretty good looking guy and relatively fit and have an above average dick. My bf is very kind and loving and takes such good care of me and looks after me in just about every other way. It's just what I've written above that is causing us issues.

 

[wtfalice]

Sounds like he is a little dishonest. Clearly there is love between the two of you and I am glad you guys act mature by confronting things. But if he cannot be honest, it can get ugly very soon. My boyfriend and I when we decided to be together, we sat down to go over all our exes list, what we liked, what we did not like, what are our sexual fantasies and desires, etc. He now knows my preferences and we try to make it exciting by trying out those things together. Of course there are temptations around us but we openly talk to each other about it that we are making a choice of being together. For bottoms, sex can be a bit of work - have you asked if he wants you to bottom or are you okay using his hole even if he is not "ready"?
Good luck my friend.

 

[Nigel Atkinson]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

Before we met he was talking to this guy on grindr who was in a long term open relationship. Let's call this guy Dave. He stopped talking to Dave and everyone else after we got together. Dave contacted him about a year ago and told him that he had broken up with his partner and was looking for some friends as his partner had kept all their mutual friends when they broke up. I wasn't sure about this at first and thought Dave was wanting to hook up. Eventually we all hung out and became good friends and everything seemed innocent. About 6 months later Dave got a new bf and immediately stopped all contact with us. I thought this was rude and my bf was offended.

My bf has had a habit of looking at my phone and messages ever since we met. He swore it wasn't because he doesn't trust me (although 2 of his previous exes cheated on him) and he was just catching up on things that I forget to tell him (which does happen alot). I never was someone who would go through their partner's phone but because he looked at mine one night when he was asleep I thought fair is fair and looked at his. I went through old chats with Dave during the time we were all 'friends' and found very sexual conversations. My bf did say during these chats that he wanted to have a threesome together. There was never any discussion about them fucking behind my back. There were even times when they were both at work and they were saying that pre cum was leaking through their pants because they were so turned on. Dave sent a video of himself jerking off. My bf sent photos of his ass but not his cock. I was very angry when I found these messages but weirdly I was also very turned on. I would've been open to a threesome potentially but it never eventuated. My partner was very apologetic and ashamed of himself and said that Dave 'brought something out in him'. Dave was very dominating during the chats and my bf was submissive. I asked if that was something that turns him on and if he wanted to try doing s&m etc. but my bf said he didn't.
A few months passed and I found myself going through his phone again. In his Instagram messages I found flirty chats with another guy he used to 'talk to' before we met. I had also spoken to this guy before but very limited and non sexual. The chats I found were sexual but nothing in depth, just a few comments and innuendo. I was still upset with this and confronted my bf. He again was apologetic and ashamed of himself and said it didn't mean anything and that he had never had sex with this guy as had never met him.

While using his laptop to do some of my work one weekend I found porn in his recent files. This doesn't bother me because I look at porn occasionally and think this is normal. The files I found listed in recent files had been deleted but the names were still there. I didn't say anything at the time. About a month later we had an argument about him not being turned on and not wanting to have sex. I asked if watching porn together could help him to be turned on. He said no and that he hasn't watched porn for over a year. I told him I found the recent files about 3 weeks ago and asked him why he would say he hasn't watched porn for a year when he clearly has watched it recently. He told me he couldn't remember watching it or how long ago he had watched it. I challenged him on this but he wouldn't change his response.
Finally this week he has been away for work and I was using his laptop. I saw he had Instagram open and checked his messages and went back to the chats with the guy he said he never had sex with and never met. I scrolled back to their chats before my bf and I met and it's very clear that they did meet, went on 2 dates and did fuck because the guy was talking about being at my bfs house.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here by posting this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am upset with my bfs repeated lying and I don't believe he has or would physically cheat on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess I would like some advice about what to do about this. I don't understand why he claims to have a low sex drive yet I've caught him multiple times talking sexually to other guys online. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, but I know I'm a pretty good looking guy and relatively fit and have an above average dick. My bf is very kind and loving and takes such good care of me and looks after me in just about every other way. It's just what I've written above that is causing us issues.

I honestly feel like you should break up with your boyfriend. All of that dishonesty is a huge red flag. I get the sense that he has grown bored with the relationship and wants to find something he feels is exciting and new. Constantly having sexual conversations with others is a sign that his sexual drive is higher than he's admitting to.

 

[Kanashi]

Yikes! This is a tough situation to be in. I know it's not easy to just walk away from a 4 year relationship, especially when you still love the person. But on the other hand, what's he's doing isn't right. But on the "other" other hand, you can't force someone to open up or change. They have to want to do it themselves. It seems like you've given him many opportunities to come clean and / or at least discuss things open and honestly. I feel for you. I hope you guys are able to work things out.

 

[Kanashi]

My boyfriend and I when we decided to be together, we sat down to go over all our exes list, what we liked, what we did not like, what are our sexual fantasies and desires, etc. He now knows my preferences and we try to make it exciting by trying out those things together. Of course there are temptations around us but we openly talk to each other about it that we are making a choice of being together.

Great advice! Such an intelligent and mature way to approach things!

 

[pradelicious]

Break up. He's not your forever guy. Never allow dishonesty. If he loves you he wouldn't be doing this.

 

[bounced]

Sounds like he is a little dishonest. Clearly there is love between the two of you and I am glad you guys act mature by confronting things. But if he cannot be honest, it can get ugly very soon. My boyfriend and I when we decided to be together, we sat down to go over all our exes list, what we liked, what we did not like, what are our sexual fantasies and desires, etc. He now knows my preferences and we try to make it exciting by trying out those things together. Of course there are temptations around us but we openly talk to each other about it that we are making a choice of being together. For bottoms, sex can be a bit of work - have you asked if he wants you to bottom or are you okay using his hole even if he is not "ready"?
Good luck my friend.

Thankyou for your advice. We did go through the 'list' when we first met. We did have a conversation recently about me bottoming because one night when he was very tired and I was sucking him off he activated and desperately wanted to fuck me. I didn't know this is something that he wanted to do. I have done it before but only a few times because he is very thick and it is painful. He fucked me after that conversation and I have suggested we do it again multiple times but he has declined. I feel like these things are simple to fix. He just needs to be honest with me and put more effort into our sex life. Has anyone here gone to counselling with their their partner? Have you had success?

 

[theplayerking]

I think I’m like your boyfriend so I might have some insights. I love my husband and the life that we’ve built together. We are very intimate. We cuddle all the time and do sweet things for each other. However, he’s very conservative sexually. He’s never had a onetime hookup off an app. He’s never gone cruising, or been to a bathhouse or had a three way.

Before I met my husband I used to hook up all the time, especially at sex parties and clubs. I love the thrill of casual encounters and group sex. I’d be perfectly happy to never have sex with the same person more than once. I’ve realized that I get off on the validation that comes from being accepted as a sex partner by hot guys much more that the physical sensations of the sex itself.

Of course this creates a struggle when married to a man that prefers monogamy. My sex drive has gone down because it was never about the sex as sex.

You need to figure out if he’s looking for a new relationship or just the validation of being desired (virtually or otherwise) by other men. If the latter, you need to decide if that’s acceptable to you with the understanding that it’s unlikely to change.

 

[bd_love]

I think I’m like your boyfriend so I might have some insights. I love my husband and the life that we’ve built together. We are very intimate. We cuddle all the time and do sweet things for each other. However, he’s very conservative sexually. He’s never had a onetime hookup off an app. He’s never gone cruising, or been to a bathhouse or had a three way.

Before I met my husband I used to hook up all the time, especially at sex parties and clubs. I love the thrill of casual encounters and group sex. I’d be perfectly happy to never have sex with the same person more than once. I’ve realized that I get off on the validation that comes from being accepted as a sex partner by hot guys much more that the physical sensations of the sex itself.

Of course this creates a struggle when married to a man that prefers monogamy. My sex drive has gone down because it was never about the sex as sex.

You need to figure out if he’s looking for a new relationship or just the validation of being desired (virtually or otherwise) by other men. If the latter, you need to decide if that’s acceptable to you with the understanding that it’s unlikely to change.

THIS! I think this is probably what is gonna unlock something for your relationship. I think a lot of queer men seek validation in this way as a means to feel accepted, sexy, etc.

My thought is that you either have to accept his flirtations as just that and trust they wont go further (maybe set boundaries with him about whats too far)

Personally i think people like guard rails cause it gives a sense of control. To me, I think the sending pictures is probably as far as he should go with this - and maybe it would be good for you to say no to pictures (even tho thats your actual hard limit - just in case the taboo of breaking a rule is something your bf deals with and you've already accepted that going that far is your *actual* limit. If that makes sense. People like to break rules so as long as you know where your actual line is then youre good.

Good luck friend - love is hard to navigate!

 

[bar4doug]

OP, you write in your 1st post that you're saving up for _another_ house. People stay in relationships for many reasons... Is your relationship _staying together_ for financial reasons? What would happen to your common property should you two go separate ways?

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

Great advice! Such an intelligent and mature way to approach things!

the thing is this--sooner or later talking about your exes will lead to trouble--sure you sat down taked about what liked--dont like and so on-but then each of you will begin to think hmmm his ex did this with him --am i doing it rigt for him or should i do something else

when starting a new relationship--its not about what the past pleasures you had its about the future ones that you will create

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

first off--just because he talks alot of sex online or on phone and says his sex drive is low then it is a possibility it is low--tell him if it is low --to go get tested and get something done about it--the longer he goes with low sex drive the worst it will be when decides to get help
i am on meds that keeps my sex drive down but to talk about it is totally different

things do tend to taper off after being together for a while-- but its up to both of you not one of you to rekindle the flames that was there when got together--people also need to remember sex isnt the only part of a relationship--its the love and committment that both feel for each other--

whatever you do-do ask him if he is cheating on you that will add gas to the fire really quick--just ask him if he finds you attractive anymore andgo from there--

if he doesnt find you attractive anymore--then it is sad to say--that maybe need to go seperate ways and find someone else that will love you the was you want to be loved and are deserved to be love

 

[kscird]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

Before we met he was talking to this guy on grindr who was in a long term open relationship. Let's call this guy Dave. He stopped talking to Dave and everyone else after we got together. Dave contacted him about a year ago and told him that he had broken up with his partner and was looking for some friends as his partner had kept all their mutual friends when they broke up. I wasn't sure about this at first and thought Dave was wanting to hook up. Eventually we all hung out and became good friends and everything seemed innocent. About 6 months later Dave got a new bf and immediately stopped all contact with us. I thought this was rude and my bf was offended.

My bf has had a habit of looking at my phone and messages ever since we met. He swore it wasn't because he doesn't trust me (although 2 of his previous exes cheated on him) and he was just catching up on things that I forget to tell him (which does happen alot). I never was someone who would go through their partner's phone but because he looked at mine one night when he was asleep I thought fair is fair and looked at his. I went through old chats with Dave during the time we were all 'friends' and found very sexual conversations. My bf did say during these chats that he wanted to have a threesome together. There was never any discussion about them fucking behind my back. There were even times when they were both at work and they were saying that pre cum was leaking through their pants because they were so turned on. Dave sent a video of himself jerking off. My bf sent photos of his ass but not his cock. I was very angry when I found these messages but weirdly I was also very turned on. I would've been open to a threesome potentially but it never eventuated. My partner was very apologetic and ashamed of himself and said that Dave 'brought something out in him'. Dave was very dominating during the chats and my bf was submissive. I asked if that was something that turns him on and if he wanted to try doing s&m etc. but my bf said he didn't.
A few months passed and I found myself going through his phone again. In his Instagram messages I found flirty chats with another guy he used to 'talk to' before we met. I had also spoken to this guy before but very limited and non sexual. The chats I found were sexual but nothing in depth, just a few comments and innuendo. I was still upset with this and confronted my bf. He again was apologetic and ashamed of himself and said it didn't mean anything and that he had never had sex with this guy as had never met him.

While using his laptop to do some of my work one weekend I found porn in his recent files. This doesn't bother me because I look at porn occasionally and think this is normal. The files I found listed in recent files had been deleted but the names were still there. I didn't say anything at the time. About a month later we had an argument about him not being turned on and not wanting to have sex. I asked if watching porn together could help him to be turned on. He said no and that he hasn't watched porn for over a year. I told him I found the recent files about 3 weeks ago and asked him why he would say he hasn't watched porn for a year when he clearly has watched it recently. He told me he couldn't remember watching it or how long ago he had watched it. I challenged him on this but he wouldn't change his response.
Finally this week he has been away for work and I was using his laptop. I saw he had Instagram open and checked his messages and went back to the chats with the guy he said he never had sex with and never met. I scrolled back to their chats before my bf and I met and it's very clear that they did meet, went on 2 dates and did fuck because the guy was talking about being at my bfs house.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here by posting this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am upset with my bfs repeated lying and I don't believe he has or would physically cheat on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess I would like some advice about what to do about this. I don't understand why he claims to have a low sex drive yet I've caught him multiple times talking sexually to other guys online. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, but I know I'm a pretty good looking guy and relatively fit and have an above average dick. My bf is very kind and loving and takes such good care of me and looks after me in just about every other way. It's just what I've written above that is causing us issues.

So... I was your boyfriend, I mean I have his perspective. he is looking for excitement outside of the relationship, and it has nothing to do with you. I did something similar, I wanted attention. I too was with someone who loved me and treated like I was the most special person in the world but it didn't matter because in my view I didn't feel it. I too was confronted by my boyfriend at the time and I played it off as something passing or "I'm too tired" "or "I don't feel like doing all the steps to be able to bottom tonight" but really the only thrill I was getting was from talking to people that weren't by bf.And ultimately I did cheat on him. Here I had a great guy completely devoted to me and it wasn't satisfying me. You sound like an amazing person, and you deserve to have someone who is matching your energy both in and out of the bedroom. If you haven't found evidence of infidelity its because you aren't meant to. by the time my bf found out that I had full on cheated it was because I had gotten sloppy. breaking up may seem like that hardest thing because you have built a whole ass life with this person and you love and care about him and he may feel that way about you, but he has some searching to do. You are enough and if he can't see that now maybe he will once you are gone and happy with someone else.



Sorry, but I hope this helps.

 

[wtfalice]

So... I was your boyfriend, I mean I have his perspective. he is looking for excitement outside of the relationship, and it has nothing to do with you. I did something similar, I wanted attention. I too was with someone who loved me and treated like I was the most special person in the world but it didn't matter because in my view I didn't feel it. I too was confronted by my boyfriend at the time and I played it off as something passing or "I'm too tired" "or "I don't feel like doing all the steps to be able to bottom tonight" but really the only thrill I was getting was from talking to people that weren't by bf.And ultimately I did cheat on him. Here I had a great guy completely devoted to me and it wasn't satisfying me. You sound like an amazing person, and you deserve to have someone who is matching your energy both in and out of the bedroom. If you haven't found evidence of infidelity its because you aren't meant to. by the time my bf found out that I had full on cheated it was because I had gotten sloppy. breaking up may seem like that hardest thing because you have built a whole ass life with this person and you love and care about him and he may feel that way about you, but he has some searching to do. You are enough and if he can't see that now maybe he will once you are gone and happy with someone else.



Sorry, but I hope this helps.

THIS!!! <3

 

[Putix3100]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

Before we met he was talking to this guy on grindr who was in a long term open relationship. Let's call this guy Dave. He stopped talking to Dave and everyone else after we got together. Dave contacted him about a year ago and told him that he had broken up with his partner and was looking for some friends as his partner had kept all their mutual friends when they broke up. I wasn't sure about this at first and thought Dave was wanting to hook up. Eventually we all hung out and became good friends and everything seemed innocent. About 6 months later Dave got a new bf and immediately stopped all contact with us. I thought this was rude and my bf was offended.

My bf has had a habit of looking at my phone and messages ever since we met. He swore it wasn't because he doesn't trust me (although 2 of his previous exes cheated on him) and he was just catching up on things that I forget to tell him (which does happen alot). I never was someone who would go through their partner's phone but because he looked at mine one night when he was asleep I thought fair is fair and looked at his. I went through old chats with Dave during the time we were all 'friends' and found very sexual conversations. My bf did say during these chats that he wanted to have a threesome together. There was never any discussion about them fucking behind my back. There were even times when they were both at work and they were saying that pre cum was leaking through their pants because they were so turned on. Dave sent a video of himself jerking off. My bf sent photos of his ass but not his cock. I was very angry when I found these messages but weirdly I was also very turned on. I would've been open to a threesome potentially but it never eventuated. My partner was very apologetic and ashamed of himself and said that Dave 'brought something out in him'. Dave was very dominating during the chats and my bf was submissive. I asked if that was something that turns him on and if he wanted to try doing s&m etc. but my bf said he didn't.
A few months passed and I found myself going through his phone again. In his Instagram messages I found flirty chats with another guy he used to 'talk to' before we met. I had also spoken to this guy before but very limited and non sexual. The chats I found were sexual but nothing in depth, just a few comments and innuendo. I was still upset with this and confronted my bf. He again was apologetic and ashamed of himself and said it didn't mean anything and that he had never had sex with this guy as had never met him.

While using his laptop to do some of my work one weekend I found porn in his recent files. This doesn't bother me because I look at porn occasionally and think this is normal. The files I found listed in recent files had been deleted but the names were still there. I didn't say anything at the time. About a month later we had an argument about him not being turned on and not wanting to have sex. I asked if watching porn together could help him to be turned on. He said no and that he hasn't watched porn for over a year. I told him I found the recent files about 3 weeks ago and asked him why he would say he hasn't watched porn for a year when he clearly has watched it recently. He told me he couldn't remember watching it or how long ago he had watched it. I challenged him on this but he wouldn't change his response.
Finally this week he has been away for work and I was using his laptop. I saw he had Instagram open and checked his messages and went back to the chats with the guy he said he never had sex with and never met. I scrolled back to their chats before my bf and I met and it's very clear that they did meet, went on 2 dates and did fuck because the guy was talking about being at my bfs house.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here by posting this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am upset with my bfs repeated lying and I don't believe he has or would physically cheat on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess I would like some advice about what to do about this. I don't understand why he claims to have a low sex drive yet I've caught him multiple times talking sexually to other guys online. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, but I know I'm a pretty good looking guy and relatively fit and have an above average dick. My bf is very kind and loving and takes such good care of me and looks after me in just about every other way. It's just what I've written above that is causing us issues.

I feel sorry that this is happening to you. I know that it might be difficult letting go your first relationship as you may be scared of how you will feel after that. I feel like both of you are trying to extend a relationship that is definitely not working out anymore, your boyfriend is dishonest with you and he doesn’t want to be responsible for the relationship, he’s probably afraid of losing you and doesn’t want to be alone but at the same time he’s looking for something else, I don’t think a close relationship is what your boyfriend is looking for right now and you both should talk about it. I also don’t think that constantly looking up into your boyfriends private messages is something good, especially for your mental health. You should take a decision on what’s good for you, your world won’t end after your first breakup and I’m sure you will find someone else who you can be happier with.

 

[frank92]

by the time my bf found out that I had full on cheated it was because I had gotten sloppy.

I'm sorry but do you mean your bf found out that your hole became too sloppy because you had sex with big d?

 

[kscird]

I'm sorry but do you mean your bf found out that your hole became too sloppy because you had sex with big d?

look up the word "context" and then look of the word "dumbass" lmfao thanks for the laugh

 

[Cocksuker88]

I would revisit the open relationship conversation. It sounds like he wants an arrangement. You should discuss rules and may be best to get a couple therapists involved. They work wonders! Good luck, oh and as I do even in a relationship still get your 6 and 3 month STI test just in case.

 

[davepadillas]

Hey, OP. I’d been in your shoes twice (with 2 different guys — with one I was in civil partnership.

I’m very sexually conservative. Never hooked up. Never had sex with guys who isn’t my bf. Never dated just to have sex either. So, monogamy is my thing.

Your bf is like my exes. They sneakily sought out to have fun with other guys. When I found out about it, they just blatantly denied even they got caught red handed. Then they would gaslight me.

Trust me, as an INFJ, talking things out or confrontation had never been my thing. I even tried to save my relationship (with the guy who I was civil partnered) by going to a couple therapist only to be humiliated and gaslit there in front of the therapist. And I didn’t have a chance to open my mouth.

I think at this point, you have nothing to save anymore. Just let it go and start anew. It’s not worth saving.

 

[jerome602]

I think the couples counseling you mentioned is a good idea, especially before you buy a house together. Then you can work through communicating. Both in terms of expressing your needs (whether he is able to meet them or not) and also dealing with his dishonesty. Sounds like he hasn't had sex with someone else, so it's maybe not hopeless. I would consider sexting without the permission of your partner to be infidelity though.