Been with my bf for 4 years - need some advice

[malakos]

If you haven't found evidence of infidelity its because you aren't meant to. by the time my bf found out that I had full on cheated it was because I had gotten sloppy.

I won't deny that this is a possibility in this case. However, his bf already has gotten sloppy: not covering up the chats with Dave, not covering up the Instagram chats, the apparent deception regarding whether he met Instagram guy, and most clearly the clumsy attempt to cover up the porn. Given how bad his bf seems to be at playing the deception game, I would say there's a good chance that if he had in fact cheated that OP should have already found out.

That said, even if I'm right about the bf not having cheated, there's still a whole lot of muddying of the waters, and I don't think OP should console himself on the assumption that the bf hasn't cheated. Things look alarming regardless.

 

[Prame_Patrick]

you should leave him. I was in this kind of relationship before and I was trying to save it however I could but eventually he found someone new and broke up with me after 7 years together...the crazy thing is I'm so much happier after he left me.

 

[davepadillas]

you should leave him. I was in this kind of relationship before and I was trying to save it however I could but eventually he found someone new and broke up with me after 7 years together...the crazy thing is I'm so much happier after he left me.

Exactly! Same here! I was miserable when I was with him. If he doesn't understand what I'm talking about (English isn't his first language and not that good), instead of asking me to explain the words, he would tell me off, berate me and telling me that my English is terrible!!!!

So, @bounced, I would strongly suggest you leave him spend time with your friends (if you're lucky enough to have one) then move on. If you already caught him red handed and he denied it, there's no point to believe him or trust him anymore. You've already tried your best. And if monogamy is really your thing, you shouldn't settle for anything less. Stick to your own value. If your bf doesn't believe in monogamy anymore, leave him before you get left. I never had a chance to leave my exes. Only got dumped. Therefore, I know how much it hurts to be dumped and having NO FRIENDS.

 

[BoypussyCreamer]

First, don’t take any advice from any of us unless it resonates with you completely. People tend to bring in their own unhealed wounds and it’s not about that — it’s about what’s happening to you, and what works for you and your bf.
Simply - There’s a reason why your bf can’t be completely honest with you — and you need to find out if he’s capable of changing that, by either changing the behavior or by not hiding it anymore.
Relationships are negotiations, and finding out if you can truly meet each other’s needs — and it requires that you each tell the truth of who you really are.
Tell him your willing to hear everything he thinks he needs to feel like his best self — and give him a chance to share more of himself with than he ever has before. Then tell him the same about you. Create an environment where it’s Ok to say things the other might not want to hear. Resolve to not take anything personally. As many have said here, it’s not about you. We all go through the struggle of finding out what we really need or want, and it’s vastly different for each person. This is a great opportunity to learn a lot more about each other and learn to trust each other with the things we typically hide from the world. Don’t hold on to any particular outcome, just welcome the Truth — and trust that the truth will set you free to be fully alive and happy no matter what. Ps. I also believe that it sounds like he really loves you. Many wonderful things happen when we approach the world with courageous love. All the best to you.

 

[chpoof]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

I'm just going to speak to the sexual aspect here because you have quite a bit going on. I don't think there's anything wrong with one-sided sex, at least to a certain degree. If you're like me, you get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from pleasuring and satisfying your partner. That being said, your BF sounds like he is being selfish and just downright lazy in the sack. You don't have to "prepare" to have sex because there are many things you can do together besides just fucking. My husband and I haven't had intercourse in probably well over 10 years, but we have sex at least 2-3 times a week (lots of oral mostly, plus we use a vibrator). There are times when we are both absolutely exhausted at bedtime and just don't feel up to sex; but if it's been about two or three days since we've gone at it, we have sex anyway. Why? Because sex has always been a top priority in our relationship. It's like sitting down together at dinnertime or putting my hand on his thigh when we're in the car. So I think you two both need to have a serious talk about this because it sounds like you're not getting your needs fulfilled. You said it well in a previous post when you stated he needs to put more effort into your sex life, but this is something you can work on together.

 

[kscird]

I won't deny that this is a possibility in this case. However, his bf already has gotten sloppy: not covering up the chats with Dave, not covering up the Instagram chats, the apparent deception regarding whether he met Instagram guy, and most clearly the clumsy attempt to cover up the porn. Given how bad his bf seems to be at playing the deception game, I would say there's a good chance that if he had in fact cheated that OP should have already found out.

That said, even if I'm right about the bf not having cheated, there's still a whole lot of muddying of the waters, and I don't think OP should console himself on the assumption that the bf hasn't cheated. Things look alarming regardless.

yeah you are right while those things are not necessarily indications, that old saying where there's smoke there's fire seems apt. And my situation like the OPs are both unique. so, like most advice, should be taken with a grain of salt. I like your thoughts and insight.

 

[bounced]

First, don’t take any advice from any of us unless it resonates with you completely. People tend to bring in their own unhealed wounds and it’s not about that — it’s about what’s happening to you, and what works for you and your bf.
Simply - There’s a reason why your bf can’t be completely honest with you — and you need to find out if he’s capable of changing that, by either changing the behavior or by not hiding it anymore.
Relationships are negotiations, and finding out if you can truly meet each other’s needs — and it requires that you each tell the truth of who you really are.
Tell him your willing to hear everything he thinks he needs to feel like his best self — and give him a chance to share more of himself with than he ever has before. Then tell him the same about you. Create an environment where it’s Ok to say things the other might not want to hear. Resolve to not take anything personally. As many have said here, it’s not about you. We all go through the struggle of finding out what we really need or want, and it’s vastly different for each person. This is a great opportunity to learn a lot more about each other and learn to trust each other with the things we typically hide from the world. Don’t hold on to any particular outcome, just welcome the Truth — and trust that the truth will set you free to be fully alive and happy no matter what. Ps. I also believe that it sounds like he really loves you. Many wonderful things happen when we approach the world with courageous love. All the best to you.

This is the best advice I have received on this thread. Not because it's what I want to hear but because you aren't just telling me to end my relationship. Things have been a lot better since I posted. We haven't been arguing as much as we were. Sex is still the same. I am trying my best to communicate honestly and asking him to do the same.

 

[deflorare]

He's not being as direct and honest as you deserve

 

[Keccies]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We are very happy for the most part (we do argue occasionally) and I know we love each other very much. We have lived together for 3 years and are saving for another house currently. He has had several long term relationships before but this is my first. We are both early 30s. We are not in an open relationship and both would never consider being in one. Like most relationships it seems our sex life has cooled down over the past year. I still find him very attractive and initiate or try to initiate some form of sex at least once per week. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive and often says he's not in the mood. He does however enjoy me blowing him which I really enjoy too. 75% of the time it's me either jerking him off or sucking him off and he doesn't reciprocate. This is something that we do argue about occasionally and frustrates me as he is somewhat selfish sexually. He says that preparing to have sex is time consuming etc. (I'm 99% of the time top and he's bottom).

Before we met he was talking to this guy on grindr who was in a long term open relationship. Let's call this guy Dave. He stopped talking to Dave and everyone else after we got together. Dave contacted him about a year ago and told him that he had broken up with his partner and was looking for some friends as his partner had kept all their mutual friends when they broke up. I wasn't sure about this at first and thought Dave was wanting to hook up. Eventually we all hung out and became good friends and everything seemed innocent. About 6 months later Dave got a new bf and immediately stopped all contact with us. I thought this was rude and my bf was offended.

My bf has had a habit of looking at my phone and messages ever since we met. He swore it wasn't because he doesn't trust me (although 2 of his previous exes cheated on him) and he was just catching up on things that I forget to tell him (which does happen alot). I never was someone who would go through their partner's phone but because he looked at mine one night when he was asleep I thought fair is fair and looked at his. I went through old chats with Dave during the time we were all 'friends' and found very sexual conversations. My bf did say during these chats that he wanted to have a threesome together. There was never any discussion about them fucking behind my back. There were even times when they were both at work and they were saying that pre cum was leaking through their pants because they were so turned on. Dave sent a video of himself jerking off. My bf sent photos of his ass but not his cock. I was very angry when I found these messages but weirdly I was also very turned on. I would've been open to a threesome potentially but it never eventuated. My partner was very apologetic and ashamed of himself and said that Dave 'brought something out in him'. Dave was very dominating during the chats and my bf was submissive. I asked if that was something that turns him on and if he wanted to try doing s&m etc. but my bf said he didn't.
A few months passed and I found myself going through his phone again. In his Instagram messages I found flirty chats with another guy he used to 'talk to' before we met. I had also spoken to this guy before but very limited and non sexual. The chats I found were sexual but nothing in depth, just a few comments and innuendo. I was still upset with this and confronted my bf. He again was apologetic and ashamed of himself and said it didn't mean anything and that he had never had sex with this guy as had never met him.

While using his laptop to do some of my work one weekend I found porn in his recent files. This doesn't bother me because I look at porn occasionally and think this is normal. The files I found listed in recent files had been deleted but the names were still there. I didn't say anything at the time. About a month later we had an argument about him not being turned on and not wanting to have sex. I asked if watching porn together could help him to be turned on. He said no and that he hasn't watched porn for over a year. I told him I found the recent files about 3 weeks ago and asked him why he would say he hasn't watched porn for a year when he clearly has watched it recently. He told me he couldn't remember watching it or how long ago he had watched it. I challenged him on this but he wouldn't change his response.
Finally this week he has been away for work and I was using his laptop. I saw he had Instagram open and checked his messages and went back to the chats with the guy he said he never had sex with and never met. I scrolled back to their chats before my bf and I met and it's very clear that they did meet, went on 2 dates and did fuck because the guy was talking about being at my bfs house.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here by posting this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am upset with my bfs repeated lying and I don't believe he has or would physically cheat on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess I would like some advice about what to do about this. I don't understand why he claims to have a low sex drive yet I've caught him multiple times talking sexually to other guys online. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, but I know I'm a pretty good looking guy and relatively fit and have an above average dick. My bf is very kind and loving and takes such good care of me and looks after me in just about every other way. It's just what I've written above that is causing us issues.

Dump his ass, he can lie and cheat a few times and he will definitely do it again

 

[Beefderky]

Long term relationships are never easy in any world, let alone the gay one. It's alright to be lost and confused. To still love your boyfriend, even with what he has done. You're still discovering yourself. I'm sure you still don't know what you want out of all this.

I've been in somewhat of a similar scenario with my previous partner. We were eachother's firsts. First real love, first long term, first yada yada yada lol. I was 21 at the time and he 25. We were together for 6 years but the last 3 of them were awful. If we could have just accepted the fact that we were two very different people then we could have saved ourselves. It's never easy to end a relationship and to break someone's heart. Watching them fall apart right infront of your very eyes is tough. It makes you second guess yourself. "Am I doing enough to make this work?" "Am I giving him my all like he does for me?" "Am I just being lazy?" "Could I be a better bf if I tried harder?" "I need to try harder and not waste these years together" "Let's just give it more time because we been together for so long" " Let's give it one more year".......This is how we wasted 3 years of our lives. That was the cycle. I couldn't bear to see him cry and be soo heartbroken. I should have just been strong for us both but I wasn't. Sometimes loving someone does more harm than good.

Anyways, a bunch of things went down when I was with my ex. I became someone I disliked. I couldn't trust him after finding messages and nudes from other guys. He slept with our friend multiple times. I was no saint either, so he's not the only one that made bad decisions. I could at least hone up to what I have done. I told him what I was learning about myself in regards to wanting to mess around with other guys. He on the other hand felt more guilty than anything and that's why he never wanted to tell me anything of the sort. Him hiding things from me and lying just drove me crazy. I would be snooping in his phone, his comp, his personal belongings. I always knew when something was up but he would never admit to it until I showed him the evidence. I would have been much more accepting if he was just honest with me because at least I know I could still just trust him. Due to all this, we just kept falling further and further apart. Loving each other but not able to understand each other or ourselves was the issue.

The ex and I are still friends actually. We are better off this way for sure. I do appreciate everything he has done for me. He has helped me realize things which wouldn't be possible without him. I'm currently 3 years in my current relationship. Before we started a relationship, I layed it all out there. Everything about my needs and wants. I discovered that I love chatting with random guys, sometimes trading pics, flirting, all that jazz. I wasn't necessarily looking for hook ups, I just liked the attention and bullshitting around. I told him that I had already fallen for him so emotionally, he's the only one. Every one else would purely be physical if, and that's a big if, if anything were to happen with them. I told him that trust is the most important thing. If we can't be open and honest then we shouldn't start a relationship. I wasn't looking for hook ups but if something naturally grew from a random dt meet and greet then I wouldn't say no if they made an advance. I love kissing, so I wouldn't turn it down haha. In the end, we agreed that any sexual encounters with anyone we have to tell the other person about. If it's something that is planned then to be given that person's name, pic and address just in case something happens. Condoms are a must and if that rule is broken, no sexy time until they get tested. Also this goes both ways. At the time he wasn't very open to fooling around with other guys as he dated me but it's his first relationship so I want to help him do some self discovery as well. I won't get upset if he fools around with others, or wants to try a threesome together. As long as he is open and honest with me.

Sorry for the life story there. I just didn't want you to fall into the same cycle as my ex and I did. You will always make excuses to stay together with someone you love. But in the end, you have to do what's best for you. After all those lies, are you able to fully trust him anymore? Or are you going to feel the need to check his phone or labtop every now and then? If so, is that who you want to be? That's definitely not who I wanted to be. He still didn't come clean about everything but after all the lies, it wore me down. You should only accept the apology once because the second time for the same thing just means they know what they're doing. Here's the thing, is being honest with each other truly that hard to do? It may seem like it but it's really not.

Try this....
Confront your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Tell him that you and he both need to be open and honest with everything. That this right here is very important to you and it's something that you need to happen. After that, just lay it all out there. Address how you feel and why you feel that way. How he makes you feel. Bring up anything you may feel guilty about. Or anything you were too embarrassed or scared to tell him about that you haven't yet. Any wrong doings you may have done to him and such. Talk about things you may be interested in, kinks, possibility of trying a threesome with him, ect. This will help start with a clean slate. In return, he should do the same. You already know the jist of what's going on and with whom. You should wait to see if he actually tells you everything or not. In the end, if you still can't trust him then I say you should save yourself because if he truly loves you, he would be willing to at least do this for you. If he does tell you everything and more, and you feel closure then yes, try out couple's counseling. First things first, you guys should figure out if you want things to be monogamous or more. Remember, what's allowed for one person should be allowed for the other. If you guys decide he's allowed to fool around then you are allowed to fool around. If he makes a fuss about that, then just get out. You aren't being respected enough and could be possibly blind to the first love, first long term curse lol

 

[rtg]

This does not sound healthy. If you are checking his messages, social media and computer files that is an issue. A relationship needs to have trust, respect and honesty (both ways for all of these). Know your worth.

 

[maksim428]

Hi OP. I just wanted to share a personal experience with you in case it's relevant. At the beginning of the year my partner woke me up in the middle of the night - he was shaking and extremely upset.

He then shared that, while working from home during the pandemic, his drinking had steadily gotten really out of control... at some point he started keeping a secret liquor stash and it had gotten to the point where he was drinking from morning to night. On this particular evening he'd run out of everything and was withdrawing.

Despite being an intelligent, observant, and empathetic person & former EMT, my partner's substance use disease completely outsmarted me. I knew something was wrong and also was missing huge bits of information. In some ways finding out was actually a relief because it provided a totally different perspective on all our relationship challenges from the previous 12mo.

I'm happy to report that he wanted to get better, went to a recovery program, and just got his 9mo chip. I'm definitely not saying I think your partner's journey involves substance use factors. More just to validate how difficult relationships can be, and how isolation & secrets can be both causal and symptomatic of declining wellness.

Donning my own oxygen mask first is actually the most selfless choice, because I can't help my fellow passengers if I'm unconscious. Also, the an effective "boundary" involves clearly defining a "need" I have and then describes the steps I will follow to care for myself if that need is unmet (boundaries don't have to feel like ultimatums). Lot of love to you and yours!

 

[Hardfunlongrides]

A lot of good advice already, but the simplest advice is that you are not getting what you need from your relationship, and if your boyfriend chooses not to change, then you are less loved than you deserve and need to find someone else. Its not about the sex, its about your partner wanting you to feel fulfilled and happy. Three years is a long time, but ten more is a terrible regret waiting to happen. Find someone who you can adore in every way and who adores all of you in return.

PS: I read your comment on the advise you most resonated with; thats very good advice, but it feels again like you are doing all the work in this effort to be happy and fulfilled together. I hope he welcomes this approach, hears and learns to freely discuss important matters without seeing it as blame or punishment- honesty is hard and it can hurt but is essential -he at some point will need to meet you in the middle, and realize he has a great friend and life partner in you. Best wishes.

 

[playklax01]

To the OP, I feel I'm a lot like your boyfriend as well. I was married for almost 14 years, now divorced. His sex drive was much, much higher than mine. Mine (even today) barely registers. That caused a lot of stress in our relationship, along with him cheating to get the sex he's not getting from me... Eventually it (my lack of sex drive) was a prime factor in the divorce (we dealt with the cheating somewhat). But the thing with me is that one-time sex or bathhouses or hookups do nothing for me. I am so not looking for that, in the relationship or now. But yet, I do like sharing naughty pictures, and flirting, and being an online slut lol. It works for me, and maybe your boyfriend too.

 

[Salsero12]

Dump his ass.