Being a 19 year old bipolar, abused, male virgin

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Smooth88, Apr 23, 2008.

  1. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    This is a letter I wrote intended for a girl I like but ended up being more for myself and other people to understand me better.

    I’m struggling to figure out who I really am and where I really need to be. Even though I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 18 but bipolar disorder has probably affected me since I was 12. Things as I’ve grown up have gotten increasingly difficult for me as I’ve aged and as life have gotten that much more complicated. For the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out why the events of my life have happened and I think I’ve figured things out for the most part. But no I have to figure things out for myself and focus on improving myself and living the best life that I possibly can. I’m a very negative person who can be positive at times. I get negative a lot when I’m alone and around people who are negative towards other people and me. I want to be positive and happy more than anything but I really don’t know how to be on a consistent basis. I come from an abusive alcoholic family where everyone is self–sufficient but highly unstable. My mom has been abusive towards myself and my little sister. Threatening us, violating our space, beating us down mentally and emotionally and otherwise being vicious towards us. As a result I am a severe bipolar and probably will be somewhat handicapped for the rest of my life. My sister has a personality disorder most likely while she will have it easier than me through life but she will still run into problems with her life, especially dealing with people. I admit I don’t really know myself that well and at times don’t really like myself. I’m fine with my personality. I am a very kind, caring, loving and compassionate person who tries to see the good in everyone and tries to make other people happy. Although I can be very narcissistic and obsessive. I am very intelligent (the only reason I have a chance to make it life in my estimation), has good inner-strength and has great self-control. I have poor concentration skills and bad short-term memory which is offset by excellent long term memory. Attentive listener but due to short term memory problems I can’t recall much unless it’s written. I try to be fair with people and I’m willing to help whenever it is possible. Being charitable and loving of other people makes me feel good. I’ve always been quiet, reserved and shy and I don’t express myself well in person. I never learned to read facial cues and expressions. I am very hard on myself and can be very abusive towards myself at times. There are times where I need to be saved from myself. When depressed I get very sad and gloomy. Feel worthless, hopeless and ashamed of myself and my life. I have to remember that a lot of the things that happened in my life are not necessarily my fault even though I blame a lot on myself. I feel a lot of unnecessary guilt. I have abandonment issues. When I’m manic, I’m irritable, very argumentative and angry. I think very fast and tend to have a disregard for other peoples feelings. At extremes I purposely hurt people and try to hurt myself. For someone my age I am a bit developmentally behind especially socially. I always had above average intelligence but looking back I may have been slightly autistic as a child. Since I was 11 I’ve been feeling as if I was different and inadequate. I never was treated fairly by my peers and I guess I grew to hate myself. I’ve been talking to counselors, therapists and social workers since I was 11 or 12. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 17. I’m really afraid because of my condition people will continue to desert me. And I know I won’t have the life most of my peers will. Because of my family history, bipolarity, history of abuse and codependency and what it has done to me I’ll have a ton of restrictions on my life. I may never learn how to drive. I may never be able to have a decent romantic relationship. I doubt now that I can get married and sustain the marriage or possibly have kids. I know that I’ll never be able to live on my own. I know that I could get better or worse it’s still up in the air. I know that I can’t be around any drugs or alcohol or deadly weapons. I know that I need good supportive friends who will always be with me. I know that there is hope for me and that it will take years but things will be better. I know that I am very lucky and could be much worse. My cousin once told me that everyone thought me and Celeste were gonna be end up fucked up we wouldn’t be able to take care of ourselves. I was once in the hospital and the nurses told me I’m one of the few people that comes through there that has the capacity to make a life for himself. For that I’m happy and I feel God has blessed me. Through all of the mental and emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, threats, teasing, people that have stabbed me in the back, desertions, hospital visits, times in a psychotherapists or psychiatrists office, days where I felt sad and alone, anger that I built inside, combinations of medication, times where I wanted to give up, suicide attempts, and times where I was given up on…. I’m still here and I still can crack a smile even though most of my friends may never think it. I look at my past and want to cry. But I look at tomorrow and feel somewhat hopeful. I used to dream big. But now I only have three goals in life….. To love and accept myself for who I am. To have friends who love me and accept me for who I am. And lastly, to live a stable life full of happiness and love.


    P.S.
    To all those who I send this to. Even though I may bitch and complain about life a lot, it’s my way of trying to deal with and sort out everything that has happened. I love you and care for you all whether I show it or not. All I want is your love and positivity and for you guys to stick with me. It will take a long time but eventually I may improve and find my way. I need you more than you may ever know. Being bipolar is a disease that trust me you never want to experience but I’m one of the lucky ones where it hasn’t totally derailed my life. These next few years are gonna be extremely difficult but I want to and I’m trying hard to make it better for myself. One step at a time. I just need you support. Thank you again. And I love you.


    What do you guys think?


    All I want is love and positive support. But nobody except 3 have people really ever given it to me. As a bipolar person I need a good outlook, good friends and a good therapist. I have a good outlook a good therapist and good friends and I lack the latter.
     
  2. marleyisalegend

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    i had a friend who was bipolar and there wasn't much i could do to help him so i just treated him like all my other friends. my heart goes out to you and i pray you're able to come to terms with everything that's happened to you, though the fact that you've lasted this long is a testament to your tenacity. *offers hug*
     
  3. unabear09

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    man....what you wrote....its like looking in a mirror....bi-polar here, (along with ocd, ptsd, add, anxiety d/o, major depressive d/o.....just about everything) if you ever need to talk, i'm here for you.... seriously....pm me sometime........ man its not even funny....thought i was reading something that i wrote myself.... take care and remember if you need to talk or sort some things out.....well, you'll be in good company. take care
     
  4. Ex-lyrics

    Ex-lyrics New Member

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    duude that sux man i kinda had the same problem i get fuked up n depressed alot n just fuk around and don't care wether i live or die but dude just keep lookin twords the future with as positive an outlook you can man n hopefully shit will work out, took some guts i think 2 tell these perves this, lol-but your not alone is basically what i'm saying, keep fightin man.
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    I wish you the best
     
  6. SpeedoMike

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    you obviously have taken a very big step with what you wrote. I wish I was so in touch with myself at your age. I presume you are taking meds prescribed by a psychiatrist, and not a family doctor. It's takes trust to work with him/her to find the right meds and doses.

    In my own instance, I find that my therapist provides two things. One is that she provides help with evaluating my ups and downs and suggesting how I can handle various situations. The other is that she validates my thoughts and feelings and is my touch with reality.

    Hopefully the meds will help stabilize your roller-coastering and that you will become more able to see the positive in things and achieve things you want.

    You may not realize that you are transitioning into adulthood from being a kid, a student, a son, etc. Look forward rather than back... you are not tied to your families problems and issues forever.

    Feel free to PM me about anything. I've experienced a lot, made some things better in my life, and learned to live with what I cannot change. Life can and will be better for you.
     
  7. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    All my friends are like I need to do x,y, or z or tell me only you can change myself. They try but they really have no idea on how I need to be treated or what I go through. I do feel unloved and misunderstood a lot of the time and they feel life i was doing more i wouldn't think about or dwell on my issues. My problem is I have nobody around me who has any idea about what it is I go through and how I am feeling on a daily basis.

    I need a certain type of support from my friends but I cant get it no matter how hard I try.
     
  8. texas41-38

    texas41-38 Member

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    Baby you also need medication to level off of the swings. Different things work on different people. Of all things it was actually Effexor that has given me a liveable life.

    And I know it sounds crazy (no Pun), check out a 12 step program. If the shoe doesnt fit, dont wear it. But at least try it on.

    Best of luck. Nice dreads.
     
  9. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    Tried one. Didnt really do anything for me. I know something that would help at least a little is some type of connection with a close friend. I feel really empty.
     
  10. D_Keziah Binbanger

    D_Keziah Binbanger New Member

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    Get them to understand your problem. My father is bipolar, it's not always easy to deal with him but we've learnt to understand him, how he feels inside when he gets depressed. Your friends will do the same, just give them some time.

    I developed a small panic disorder after a psychic trauma. Now I have less panic attacks than before and control them better than before. The first times I had attacks, I would almost collapse each time. Now I control them better and they last only about a minute or two and I can even avoid one when I sense it coming. Before, I would stay in a panic state for over 10 minutes.
     
  11. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I'm really trying but remember we're young and it's hard for them to understand. And for a lot of them it's hard because I'm the only one with this issue and they don't know how I can handle it.

    The bad thing is i get treated better on forums where people don't know me than I do in real life. So I take refuge her a lot.

    I just want my friends to say things like: Will (my real name) I'm proud of you, Will you're a good dude, I love you (in any capacity), Will you're doing a good job, Will you can do this etc. And i constantly nag my friends I guess because otherwise I'd be alone for the most part. They try and support by saying i need to do this, this, and this and change that. Saying I need to change myself. Telling me what to do and in some cases making me feel guilty about feeling the way i feel.

    I just need people who will be with me every step of the way the same way I am for in particularly a couple of my friends. I need my friends to stick by me in my recovery for however long it'll take. And I don't sense their loyalty.
     
  12. marleyisalegend

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    smooth, marley is here for the longhaul (wouldn't be a legend if he wasn't huh?) anyway i hope your friends start making more allowances for you since its hard caring for someone when you don't know firsthand what they're going through. at the same time don't forget that they're human and have faults. u sound like u have a big heart and, believe it or not, that still means something nowadays
     
  13. B_dumbcow

    B_dumbcow New Member

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    :kiss: Never give up on your dreams :hug:

    I wish you good health and happiness :hug:
     
  14. Dave NoCal

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    Will, as a person in the field of mental health with many years of experience it's my opinion that a lot of people are way overdiagnosed. These days, it seems like half the kids (as young as three!!!) who step out of a psychiatrist's office leave with a diagnosis of bi-polar. Teachers now feel qualified to diagnose autism. Admissions clerks think they can diagnose personality disorder. YOu seem to me to have too many labels.

    Do you hava good therapist now? If so, since you have a history of trauma and are smart, my suggestion is that you consider buying and reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman with the support of your therapist. Be careful! It might be too heavy for you to read if you don't have good support coming from somewhere.

    My students have found used copies for five or six bucks. It's a brilliant book that is considered almost the classic in the field of trauma. Judith Herman really clarifies how people who experience trauma, especially continuing trauma in childhood, can show symptoms that lead to multiple (erroneous) diagnoses.

    Dave
     
  15. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Hi Will,

    My heart went out to you while I was reading that post. That is a lot to deal with but as long as there is life there is hope. I know I have mentioned this book before on the board but It really is a fabulous thing. It is called Loving madly , Loving Sanely. It talks about a variety of mental illnesses and personality disorders and how they affect relationships with
    family friends and others . Also another book I found interesting and a number of male friends found helpful was, I dont want to talk about it . It deals with the hidden issues of male depression. Know that you can come here and talk to others. Many of us are dealing with similar issues. We may not have your exact experiences but in spite of some of the jokers there are always others who will be of help. THank you for sharing with us.
     
  16. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Buddy, my heart goes out to you. With continued therapy and the right combination of medications you can attain the balance in life you need and deserve. Believe it and hold on to your hope.
     
  17. Rugbypup

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    I saw a documentry once on how they used the same brain implant electrodes they use on parkenson patients on a bi polar guy and it did indeed kick start the brain in to a much up lifted state.

    It's no help but hey, thought you might be interested.

    *Offers a warm and gentle snuffle.*
     
  18. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    Thanks guys for you support. If only my friends in real life were as helpful. I just get the feeling and I'm afraid that everyone will abandon me and a couple of them have already threatened to. I've already gone through too much suffering and don't need the added pain. I try to be as cheerful as I possibly can but it's really hard and I get down on myself very easily. And right now I feel unloved, unimportant, and misunderstood by the people I care most about.
     
  19. B_boynextdoorkpt

    B_boynextdoorkpt New Member

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    That post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry and will remember you in my prayers. I have OCD and i am on Paxil everyday it helps me. I wish you all the best!
    Landon
     
  20. D_Al_A_Ghory

    D_Al_A_Ghory Account Disabled

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    Will I am so proud of you and i am sure you will be able to control your condition. Please count on me.
     
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