This is a letter I wrote intended for a girl I like but ended up being more for myself and other people to understand me better. Im struggling to figure out who I really am and where I really need to be. Even though I didnt get diagnosed until I was 18 but bipolar disorder has probably affected me since I was 12. Things as Ive grown up have gotten increasingly difficult for me as Ive aged and as life have gotten that much more complicated. For the longest time Ive been trying to figure out why the events of my life have happened and I think Ive figured things out for the most part. But no I have to figure things out for myself and focus on improving myself and living the best life that I possibly can. Im a very negative person who can be positive at times. I get negative a lot when Im alone and around people who are negative towards other people and me. I want to be positive and happy more than anything but I really dont know how to be on a consistent basis. I come from an abusive alcoholic family where everyone is selfsufficient but highly unstable. My mom has been abusive towards myself and my little sister. Threatening us, violating our space, beating us down mentally and emotionally and otherwise being vicious towards us. As a result I am a severe bipolar and probably will be somewhat handicapped for the rest of my life. My sister has a personality disorder most likely while she will have it easier than me through life but she will still run into problems with her life, especially dealing with people. I admit I dont really know myself that well and at times dont really like myself. Im fine with my personality. I am a very kind, caring, loving and compassionate person who tries to see the good in everyone and tries to make other people happy. Although I can be very narcissistic and obsessive. I am very intelligent (the only reason I have a chance to make it life in my estimation), has good inner-strength and has great self-control. I have poor concentration skills and bad short-term memory which is offset by excellent long term memory. Attentive listener but due to short term memory problems I cant recall much unless its written. I try to be fair with people and Im willing to help whenever it is possible. Being charitable and loving of other people makes me feel good. Ive always been quiet, reserved and shy and I dont express myself well in person. I never learned to read facial cues and expressions. I am very hard on myself and can be very abusive towards myself at times. There are times where I need to be saved from myself. When depressed I get very sad and gloomy. Feel worthless, hopeless and ashamed of myself and my life. I have to remember that a lot of the things that happened in my life are not necessarily my fault even though I blame a lot on myself. I feel a lot of unnecessary guilt. I have abandonment issues. When Im manic, Im irritable, very argumentative and angry. I think very fast and tend to have a disregard for other peoples feelings. At extremes I purposely hurt people and try to hurt myself. For someone my age I am a bit developmentally behind especially socially. I always had above average intelligence but looking back I may have been slightly autistic as a child. Since I was 11 Ive been feeling as if I was different and inadequate. I never was treated fairly by my peers and I guess I grew to hate myself. Ive been talking to counselors, therapists and social workers since I was 11 or 12. Ive been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 17. Im really afraid because of my condition people will continue to desert me. And I know I wont have the life most of my peers will. Because of my family history, bipolarity, history of abuse and codependency and what it has done to me Ill have a ton of restrictions on my life. I may never learn how to drive. I may never be able to have a decent romantic relationship. I doubt now that I can get married and sustain the marriage or possibly have kids. I know that Ill never be able to live on my own. I know that I could get better or worse its still up in the air. I know that I cant be around any drugs or alcohol or deadly weapons. I know that I need good supportive friends who will always be with me. I know that there is hope for me and that it will take years but things will be better. I know that I am very lucky and could be much worse. My cousin once told me that everyone thought me and Celeste were gonna be end up fucked up we wouldnt be able to take care of ourselves. I was once in the hospital and the nurses told me Im one of the few people that comes through there that has the capacity to make a life for himself. For that Im happy and I feel God has blessed me. Through all of the mental and emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, threats, teasing, people that have stabbed me in the back, desertions, hospital visits, times in a psychotherapists or psychiatrists office, days where I felt sad and alone, anger that I built inside, combinations of medication, times where I wanted to give up, suicide attempts, and times where I was given up on . Im still here and I still can crack a smile even though most of my friends may never think it. I look at my past and want to cry. But I look at tomorrow and feel somewhat hopeful. I used to dream big. But now I only have three goals in life .. To love and accept myself for who I am. To have friends who love me and accept me for who I am. And lastly, to live a stable life full of happiness and love. P.S. To all those who I send this to. Even though I may bitch and complain about life a lot, its my way of trying to deal with and sort out everything that has happened. I love you and care for you all whether I show it or not. All I want is your love and positivity and for you guys to stick with me. It will take a long time but eventually I may improve and find my way. I need you more than you may ever know. Being bipolar is a disease that trust me you never want to experience but Im one of the lucky ones where it hasnt totally derailed my life. These next few years are gonna be extremely difficult but I want to and Im trying hard to make it better for myself. One step at a time. I just need you support. Thank you again. And I love you. What do you guys think? All I want is love and positive support. But nobody except 3 have people really ever given it to me. As a bipolar person I need a good outlook, good friends and a good therapist. I have a good outlook a good therapist and good friends and I lack the latter.