Being a supportive sis

AyaB

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My youngest brother is gay and he deals with a lot of angst. He even went through a “phase” where he decided to “be straight” and date girls (didn’t work). I’m always there telling him “you’re 100% fine. Just live your life”. Any advice on how to be a better support for him?
 

OKCLane

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Sounds like you’re a great sister to me. Wish I’d had the same support. Just keep loving him and encouraging him. I guess you could join PFLAG if you think that might help.
Don’t take “I’m fine” for an answer if you think he isn’t. I lost several of my I’m fine friends to suicide when I was in my 20’s.
Often times we’re our own worst enemy. Your love and support mean more than you will ever imagine. Hugs to you. Get him on LPSG, it’s a safe and anonymous place to ask questions. The Trevor Project is another I can highly recommend.
 

Brodie888

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I think watching YouTube channels of people who are facing the same issues can be a safe and private way of exploring his feelings and finding people he can relate to.

When he gets older, being around lots of gay friends will also help.
 
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AyaB

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Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I do think he could benefit from expanding his social circle. He does have a core group of gay friends but some older, understanding role models would serve him well, I think. Also, cutting bait on some of his so-called straight friends who are closest assholes.
 
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AyaB

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Sounds like you’re a great sister to me. Wish I’d had the same support. Just keep loving him and encouraging him. I guess you could join PFLAG if you think that might help.
Don’t take “I’m fine” for an answer if you think he isn’t. I lost several of my I’m fine friends to suicide when I was in my 20’s.
Often times we’re our own worst enemy. Your love and support mean more than you will ever imagine. Hugs to you. Get him on LPSG, it’s a safe and anonymous place to ask questions. The Trevor Project is another I can highly recommend.

Thank you for the words of support.
I do check in with him pretty often since depression runs in the family and he’s had his moments. He’s mostly upbeat (or at least appears that way) but he’s got a lot to deal with (like most millennials) and I think he has a tendency to attribute the slightest “failure”, difficulty or rejection as a personal testament about himself as a human being.

Trying to break him of this bad habit!
 
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AyaB

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Ok, here’s another thing I would love to vent and get off my chest (since I can only take it so far with my brother):

His mother (Who is not my mother, mercifully)

God, where do I begin?

She is a witch and everything that rhymes with that.
But he is devoted to her. Why?
The day he officially came out he was about 15-ish (I say “officially” because me, my dad and everyone but the mailman already knew). I was not at home anymore. But he later told me how she blew her top and screamed and ranted about how she wasn’t going to have a “fag” in her house.
Somehow it all blew over (??) and now she’s the most loving, adoring mother. I DON’T BUY IT. Her sudden “change of heart” seemed to coincide conveniently with his employment and his inheritance from his grandmother when she passed. Yes, he been sending her money since forever. Even got a second job to “help” this disgusting wench. Then gave her his car (she “really needed it” —- yes, being UNEMPLOYED and feeding your 350 pound face requires a car, folks)

But she has always been this way: conniving and wicked and nasty. ALWAYS. She said some things a while back (before I left for college) about a friend who was like a cousin to me and had died in an accidental shooting. Something about how it was essentially his fault and he was too dumb to live. I haven’t spoken to her since.

Anyway... I’m rambling.

I wish I could somehow extricate him from her Sevngalian clutches.
 
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Brodie888

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Ok, here’s another thing I would love to vent and get off my chest (since I can only take it so far with my brother):

His mother (Who is not my mother, mercifully)

God, where do I begin?

She is a witch and everything that rhymes with that.
But he is devoted to her. Why?
The day he officially came out he was about 15-ish (I say “officially” because me, my dad and everyone but the mailman already knew). I was not at home anymore. But he later told me how she blew her top and screamed and ranted about how she wasn’t going to have a “fag” in her house.
Somehow it all blew over (??) and now she’s the most loving, adoring mother. I DON’T BUY IT. Her sudden “change of heart” seemed to coincide conveniently with his employment and his inheritance from his grandmother when she passed. Yes, he been sending her money since forever. Even got a second job to “help” this disgusting wench. Then gave her his car (she “really needed it” —- yes, being UNEMPLOYED and feeding your 350 pound face requires a car, folks)

But she has always been this way: conniving and wicked and nasty. ALWAYS. She said some things a while back (before I left for college) about a friend who was like a cousin to me and had died in an accidental shooting. Something about how it was essentially his fault and he was too dumb to live. I haven’t spoken to her since.

Anyway... I’m rambling.

I wish I could somehow extricate him from her Sevngalian clutches.

I understand your frustration!

Getting involved in other people's relationships can get messy. Sometimes your best intentions can blow up in your face too. It's like that friend who is marrying the town douche bag. You can only say so much before you get blamed when things go wrong!

All you can do is ask the questions to make your brother think. Beyond that it's his decision and he has to live with those decisions. That's the only way he'll learn and grow.

It's human nature to want to maintain a relationship with a parent no matter how bad they are. In time he'll be able to see his mother as an actual person with all the faults real people have.

You are being a wonderful sis looking out for your brother. He is very lucky to have you in his corner!
 

AyaB

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Of course everything you have said is right on point, but SO DIFFICULT to hold back.

But I mostly have. I tend to avoid talking about her with him. Occasionally I’ll remind him that we all need boundaries and we need to let people know what they are and demand that they respect them. Socratic questioning has been a good approach.

*sigh*
I guess I have to remember to stay in my lane as a sister. Else, I’m playing 2nd mommy and that’s no good either! Thanks for listening!
 
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