Being Bullied

[Big Dreamer]

Nominates MZ for "Font of the Week" with her EVER! from above.

Seriously though.... good point. I have two children in school, and I see a ton of lazy-assed parents that drop their munchkins off and leave, assuming that being a chauffeur is sufficient involvement in their childs life. Grow a clue, people. You need to know who your kids friends are, who they feel uncomfortable around, which teachers they like and dislike, and most importanly, the reasons WHY they like, dislike, or fear these people. If you never establish a baseline understanding of your child, you most likely won't even know that they're being bullied, as the 5 minute car ride to school didn't offer any clues.

Having stayed in the town I was raised in I've got to see the adult version of both the bullies and the bullied. Don't try to sell me on any bullshit about a little bullying 'toughening a kid up', as it doesn't hold water in my town. Many of the people I know that was either ridiculed or physically abused by other children (or adults) seem to fit into one of two categories:

1) They seem meek in both their professional and personal lives.

2) They're assholes to their kids and subordinates, as revenge must taste sweet for them.

Either way, they would have been happier and more complete people if they had never been exposed to this unneccessary bullshit as kids.

If you're too damn lazy to raise your kids in a safe and productive environment, then buy a box of condoms, skip the kids, and save the rest of us the trouble of caring when you clearly don't.

 

[viking1]

BD, MZ, those are two of the best posts I have ever seen! A big AMEN to them.

 

[Nitrofiend]

As far back as 1st grade, I had been singled out, bullied, tortured, and beaten into a state of learned helplessness. I was more interested in playing with bugs and daydreaming than being social. I had one friend who was even more pathetic than I was, and had a girlfriend who I spent the majority of my time with.

Every lunch recess, all the boys in my class would hunt me down outside and then corner me and hit me. It was a game called "Get Gordon" and it became a daily ritual. I never played sports but I became the fastest runner. Shortly after my parents split and I was taken back to Brooklyn (from Jersey) I stood up for myself against a bully who was showing off to the others by tormenting me. I was in a very bad state of mind at the time and I snapped. I reeled around, pounced on him, and beat him to the ground. It was pretty bloody and he kept screaming and crying until they pulled me off of him. His mother pulled him out of camp. I was 9 years old and I stayed.

After that, all of his friends (easily 13 or so kids) had an unconditional animosity towards me. They called me and my friend gay, they pegged me with handballs, taunted me relentlessly, and once even cornered me and hit me over the head with a chair when the counselor stepped out for one brief moment. Resistance was futile. Every time I tried to fight back, they ganged up and beat me back into submission.

At nearly every moment I was taunted and teased. They called me "Lizard Boy" for some inane reason when they abused me. To this day, any person who remembers and calls me Lizard Boy gets cracked in the jaw and worse. At the worst, I was singled out by hundreds of rowdy peers and jeered at. They tossed soda cans and other garbage at me as I was led past bus after bus of them.

I grew increasingly aloof of reality and seceded back into daydreaming and imagination. I read books on physics, biology, and especially meteorology (which I have never since abandoned). But I couldn't escape. I was offered friendship, then decieved and beaten, taunted and beaten, and I became totally isolated. My social skills never matured. I just learned to cope and offer diplomacy to the inevitable nature of things. Lord of the Flies has been my utmost favorite book since 8th grade.

I never got any real revenge, and over time I've just grown to accept the reality of human nature and try to intervene and help others when possible. This has been a long post and I can't possibly illustrate the depth of my experience with "bullying". Suffice it to say it's a topic very near to my heart.

 

[earllogjam]

Nitrofiend, If it is any comfort to you, you are not alone in this. It pains me to read your post because it strikes hidden away chords in myself and I know how painful it was to write things that leave you raw. Thank you for sharing. If there is one suffering kid, grown up or parent lurker out there that reads our thread then we did some good. There are some posters on here that I never would have imagined this happened to them because they are such great people. This can drag you down or make you stronger. I've found that it's really your choice. You decide. Yeah it was a bad thing, but now it's over and now you get to choose to let it happen again or not. You're OK guy. I'm OK too.

MZ and BD, I agree with you 100%- well said. We don't have enough folks with big hearts and conviction like you.

 

[Theunbroken]

I was bullied for a total of 6 years between 3 schools. so many names i cant actually physicaly run through them all without getting exhausted.
But my sexuality was questioned, and my physical atributes were mocked, and i would love dearly to say that it was all happily ever after, and that i have bounced back and am now a super model or something bla bla bla..

Truth of the matter is, scars do not go away, i turned to food for comfort, food made me fat, being fat got me bullied, so i ate more.. a vicious cycle..

But anywho, yes, i left school 2 years ago, and am about to go into my 2nd year of university.. one might think that with all those young teenage girls out there i would have "got some" relatively easy.. but guess what.. no the world is not a peach.. and i would be lucky to get a 2nd glance from a single person in a club.. which i no longer go to now because they are so depressing.

no, this is me, the 18 year old virgin that is more of a shoulder to cry on and was even seriously asked by his own mother if he was gay..


Welcome to reality folks, bullying is not always recovered from, and will never be truely forgotten, i hope one day those people who bullied me realise that and feel like shit.

 

[Quite Irate]

I moved a lot when I was in middle and high school, so it was very easy for people to single me out (why I thought of mentioning that over my....personality is interesting). This is going to sound really cliché, but my means of survival in the city as a schoolkid involved running really fast. I don't have body strength in the ima-beat-choo-up-whayte-boi sense, so if I ever had to fight someone it was quick hit and escape. I've been beaten many times, though. I was shot once in high school. The bullet just slightly entered my spinal column, just enough to fuck me up. For a few weeks it looked like I was going to be paralyzed permanently, but fortunately I got my body working again. The kid who shot me was a steriotypical inner city punk who had been expelled from my school maybe a month earlier. He was always causing trouble, he and/or his affiliates went after me specifically several times. He hated white people, and hated me even more than usual because I was some pussy-ass cracker who needed a few caps in my ass to teach me a lesson. And I'm the gay one.

He was black, I was white, it was a race and sexuality related crime, no question. The cops immediately said it was a random act of violence, since everyone who's ever grown up in or near a major city knows that black people don't commit race crimes, ever. However random that act of violence may have been, it stays with me physically every day. I'll always have the scar. My back stiffens and completely locks up very painfully every once in a while, and I can't do anything about it other than wait it out.

The physical aspect of bullying/violence toward me is basically the only part that has ever bothered me. The psychobabble nonsense never had any effect on me, because I've always been a word boy and faster with the jive talk. Sure, it's probably altered my personality and psyche a great deal, but I don't wallow in self pity like so many others do. It's so strange to me when I see people trying to prove their self worth by telling others that they've transcended some social situation that everyone knows they've gone beyond. I know I'm above everything that happened to me as a kid, but people like psychologists insist that I'm repressed and have internalized anger. What I care about now is my future, not miserable memories of getting a trash can smashed over my head and the likes.

I do empathize with people here who've been bullied, but the psychological stuff is a wee bit over-thought. You've got so much better stuff to think about, so go ahead and ditch the stupid shit that you've dealt with already and move on.

 

[earllogjam]

You've got so much better stuff to think about, so go ahead and ditch the stupid shit that you've dealt with already and move on.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[NCbear]

Viking, dying alone is the one thing so many of us have in common. I think we can look forward to more years of bugging each other online because none of us are suitable relationship material.

Two responses:

(1) Becoming maudlin over being lonely can allow your (collective) perspective to shift out of balance and to say statements like "well, I'm just not relationship material." This perspective allows you (collectively) to give up your power over your own actions and to allow life to happen to you, rather than acting as a purpose-driven human being with skills and abilities in an environment full of other purpose-driven human beings with similar or alternate skills and abilities.

[I'm not saying you're doing this, Mme. Zora, just that it's not far to go to get to that next step from what you wrote above.]

(2) You do have power over your part of the relationship. You have choices every single second that you're with that person (not just physically near them, but also "with" them in the sense that you're committed to them). That power over your part of the relationship allows you to act. It even allows you, if you're single, to change your perspective and feel free to enjoy yourself and your own company while making only a few, very good, very select, very close friends.

I sincerely believe that when you (collectively) begin appreciating yourself for who you are and begin feeling comfortable in your own skin, you project an aura of calm confidence that is very attractive to the right kind of people (not the users, abusers, and other [rhyming] losers that may have congregated around you earlier in life -- I'm speaking out of personal experience here). Read God on a Harley for an interesting novelized perspective on this kind of transformation; it's a little simplistic and a little new-age religious, but it's an interesting take on how one woman found love after giving up looking for it.

SUMMARY: You do in fact have the power and the ability to change your environment, including by outward changes (such as moving to another area of the world). However, be careful to examine your own personality and behaviors with a clear eye to determine whether the change needs to be an interior one, and if so, what it needs to include.

NCbear (who's done a lot of this in my past and who still feels the need to re-evaluate, reflect, and reorient from time to time)

P.S. Sorry for the thread hijack. I felt I just had to say this.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

I sincerely believe that when you (collectively) begin appreciating yourself for who you are and begin feeling comfortable in your own skin, you project an aura of calm confidence that is very attractive to the right kind of people (not the users, abusers, and other [rhyming] losers that may have congregated around you earlier in life -- I'm speaking out of personal experience here).

The older I get, the more and more I believe this to be true. I once believed bad things just happened more often to certain unlucky people. I found myself in that spot more often than I cared to admit.

Now I think there is much more of an element of self-determination involved. Attitude, projection and resiliancy are so much more important to peace of mind than I ever previously gave them credit for being.

 

[madame_zora]

NCBear, thanks for taking the time to post that, but I already know I'm the cause of the problem. Of course I have choices! Whether or not I'm the cause of the things that happen, it's always up to me how I choose to react.

As far as not being relationship material, that's certainly a choice. There are certain things about which I will not compromise, and I have no interest in learning how. It's not worth it, if that's what it takes to have a relationship, I prefer to be alone. I have had every expectation in the world that I would retire alone for at least the last decade, and I'm getting used to it. This is based on a pretty wide range of loves and love interests in varying degrees of importance, including three husbands- it's not as if I have nothing on which to base such an opinion. Honestly, it's just very difficult to maintain the level of autonomy I need within the context of a relationship.

Doesn't mean I don't get sad about it sometimes. I see seemingly happy couples and sometimes I wonder what that would be like since I've had that so seldom and so briefly, but then I realise I'm just not that girl. I wouldn't be happy with that guy, I wouldn't settle for her life, I would throw a fit the first time he asked me what time I was coming home, and it would be all over.

I wouldn't be against having a relationship but it would have to be with someone who also needed a lot of personal space, and usually people like that aren't looking for relationships, and aren't good at them when they try. It's not really whining as much as an acknowledgement of the facts.
How can I explain it better? It's hard for me to compromise, I either want you to win me over to your point of view, or win you over to mine. It's hard for me to "agree to disagree" in close proximity. I can do it with people outside my house, but inside it makes me too uncomfortable.

Haha, I could find someone who's just a complete pussy and willing to give in to me constantly, but I'd be bored as fuck in a week. Maybe two.

 

[D_Humper E Bogart]

Couldn't agree more.

Yay. I'll second the original comment.

I'm a fan of the "might makes right" movement. Bullies are fucktards that hold an invisible "might" over oneself that seems to give them the "right" to perpetuate their bullshit.

No excuses, no reasoning, I do remember my brother stabbing someone violently with a ruler and a pencil once. Wish I was there, I would have laughed.

Also works "outside" the situation. My problem is that there are too many motherfuckers out there and not enough laws allowing me to disembowel people who have an issue with the how-what or why I have my hair or my clothes a certain way.

For the "big" guys out there, ever noticed that even the little dogs still try to talk the talk even though they're half your body size? Fortunately I was brought up right and don't let a bunch of niggas and associate wiggas (and the odd terrorist fucktard) get me down forever, because I may prefer to scurry, but I shout abuse like an insane person.

Moral of a story? Erm. Get a great shouting voice!

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

Ok, I was reading a post of a possible new found site bud, and decided to read the whole thread. I have told some things but not much of my past. I did endure bullying at school. I think a lot of us did.

My family was the worst. I am stronger inside than most but I still carry great pain. I was watching the last part of The Princess Dairies the other night. The site was down and I was bored. Julie Andrews character said something that triggered pain for me. She said she'd always done the right thing and sacrificed her own happiness. I have done the same. Sometimes, I wish I had walked off years ago, and told the world to kiss my ass.

My abuse began at an early age. I was already being mistreated by my mom when I was 5. My dad jumped on the band wagon when I was nine. He would deliberately do things to make me sick and deny me care. He was hoping I'd die. Plus, he used to beat the hell of me for no reason. He quit when I was 13 because he realized I was going to kill him. My sister just blurted that out to me one day. He'd still hunt me down to torment me. Every damn day of my life. My bro and sister jumped on the band wagon. If I defended myself, I got beaten worse. Slowly but surely, my family damaged my health, and did everything they could to ruin my life.

I couldn't even turn to them for help when I was being molested. I knew they'd use it to destroy me. I had to put up with that bastard touching my penis, and sucking on it until I was strong enough to stop him. It happened at least 300 times. Fortunately, he didn't make me reciprocate. When he finally decided he wanted to try anal, I was strong enough to stop his worthless ass. To this day, if a doctor or anyone does a lot of touching it, I go into orbit and become extremely vulgar. It's part of why I'm single. I spent a fortune on counseling. It did help me to see that none of it was my fault. I have done great healing. I just haven't gotten totally past the trauma. The counselor said that between my family, and the sexual abuse, I have some of the same problems as concentration camp survivors.

I became a champion of the underdog and sacrificed my own health to defend them. Even so, I was still able to reach some level of happiness. I was so blessed to have a lot of wonderful friends. Unfortunately, my closest friends have all died. I lost 12 friends in 24 months. People seem to be drawn to me. I do like to laugh. I do care about people. They say they see kindness in these big brown eyes. I try to be patient. Push me to the point I go off, and I'll rip you to shreds with the truth. I'll walk off, and not give a damn.

The part that is hurting me the most now is I am facing major back surgery, I have nobody to help me, and my shitty family doesn't give a damn. My sister told me if I die, she won't have to get a job. My dad hates my guts because I aim so gifted in so many areas. He is stupidly hoping I'll leave his sorry ass my money. It's all going to charity. My bro is jealous of me, and is doing his best to cheat me out of my inheritence. I hope they all drop dead. Every single one of the bastards, and bitches. Well, part of me hopes it. Part of me still cares about them. I saw my mother reap what she sowed. She suffered terribly at the hands of my bro, sister, and dad. She died from their neglect. It was tough to watch.

The greatest limitation I have now is the damage from the wreck last year. I just can't do all the things I like to do. It is putting huge limits on me being able to make more close friends, and spending time with them. Some days, I can do my job, and nothing more.

Now that you have finished reading my post, I hope each and every one of you has a delightful week.

 

[wldhoney]

Hootie, that is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine having gone thru that. Unfortunately I see it every day in my job and it is such a helpless feeling to see the innocent hurt with no way to stop it but for a small amount of time.

I am the type that would never want to intentionally hurt someone, but people who do this to the ones they should love and protect.....as far as I am concerned, all bets are off.

Wish there was some way to help.....

 

[Principessa]

For the bullied I'd like to say I empathize and would like to hear your story and any advice you have to kids who are bullied today and what you would have done differently.

I meant to post in this thread months ago. Yes, I was bullied, a lot. Where do you want me to start with the stuff I got from paternal and maternal cousins or the crap I got in school.

For those of you who don't know I am an only child by default. I was not born an only, I had an older half sister who died at the age of 16 on my 1st birthday. If you believe those birth order personality charts I fit the personality of a youngest child, not an only because thats what I am.

Cousins on my moms side rarely bullied per se they just let me know verbally that I was not as good as them because I wasn't "Black enough." They called me oreo, mocked my non-Black speech pattern, pulled my hair, stole food from my plate etc. They also told me that I was spoiled and stingy because I was an only child. I have no idea where this stereotype originated but it is pervasive in American society and needs to stop. I know plenty of true only children who are neither spoiled nor stingy.

My dads side of the family is light skinned. Many are light enough to pass and have done so successfully for years. The few cousins that didnt think I was too dark to talk to, used to beat the crap out of me every chance they got.

I'm serious, my first bloody nose was from an older female cousin. She was 8 months older and 2 inches taller than me yet she had me by 30 pounds easy. Of course this never happend when my nana and certain aunts were around. My cousins would steal or break my toys if they came to my house. They would also find ways to rip my clothes or get magic marker on them.

My fathers brother has 5 children 3 boys, 2 girls. The youngest boy and girl would often tag team me. It got so bad I would cry if I had to go to my nanas house and I knew they would be there.


I was always tall for my age but I was also painfully thin. A good wind could and did on occassion knock me over. :redface: Even though I always fought back my little bony fists didnt do any damage.:frown1:

From kindergarten to 4th grade I went to a fancy prep school in Rumson, NJ. These were the best years of my life. I have not a single unpleasant memory of my 6 years there. Unfortunately my dad had to sell his exterminating business for health reasons and I was forced to go to the public school in the neighborhood.

This was the beginning of the worst 3.5 years of my life. I mean that sincerely. My first day at that putrid public school was the first time I was ever called a nigger. At first I didn't realize the kid was speaking to me and so did not respond. When I realized I was being addressed I turned and told him that he must be kidding as my father could by and sell his whole family 10 times over. :tongue: I honestly thought a nigger was those low class, ghetto people on Good Times.

Until I graduated 8th grade I lived in isolated misery I had no friends, was not invited to parties, of course did not date. I tried to commit suicide on Valentine's Day in the 7th grade. Oh yeah and the few kids that spoke to me called me nigger. I was chased home from school almost every day by a group of bigoted boys and they usually threw rocks at me. One winter day they actually hit me in the head with an ice ball causing me to fall on the ice and get a mild concussion. I have no idea how long I was out I just remember coming to because the cold wetness of the ground was seeping through my clothes.


There were many fist fights in the halls at school as well. I always got in trouble for throwing the first punch. Why? It seems I didn't know how to properly express my anger, so I punched anyone that called me a nigger. (I payed a shrink a lot of money to tell me that which I already knew. :tongue: :redface Of course a fight would ensue. FYI- there are boys that have no problem hitting a girl. Fortunately by this point I was still tall for my age and filling out a bit, translation I was taller and bigger than many of the boys who were picking on me.:biggrin1: I won many of those fist fights. :smile:

Once one of the teachers joined in the fun. During a health class on drugs, alcohol, and tobacco this learned man pointed to me and said that I had an 80% chance of growing up to be a drug addict or an alcoholic just because I am Black. Did I mention I was the only black child in the class?


I told daddy and he almost got fired. The only reason that twit was allowed to keep his job was because I told my father that if he was fired everyone would know it was my fault and I would become an even bigger target of hatred. I do not regret my decision.

Edit: Does rape count as bullying? I think it should. My first sexual experience was being raped at the age of 18.5, I was a freshman in college. As painful and awful as that was. I think the emotional damage done to me during those 3.5 years in that public school were worse because it was ongoing.

 

[wldhoney]

I need a drink or something if I'm going to read these posts. They are bringing tears to my eyes.

Why are people so cruel? I will never understand it.

 

[CUBE]

I could have started this post it read so close to me. It was really 6-8th grade that I took so much shit. I look back and think what a brave kid I was to never skip school even though I felt so sad inside. I never got physically touched but took some verbal hell.

One guy was the ring leader and when I hear about a kid that is so picked on he just breaks down and shoots the tormentor I understand the anger. The same guy wanted to talk my Sr year in a class. I still remember turning to him and saying that I have no desire to ever speak to him and if he took it as racist and was hurt in that moment...felt good...there I said it.

The thing that I see now (as adult educator) is that adults new and did nothing. I really protect my students in ways they never know. I also really find positives in students I see that are gay and try to keep them from being me years ago. I have reduced memory from growing up and I know my brain had to block it to let me go on. I think in many ways I would have done more with my career as an adult if I had not had the doubt placed in me as a child. Yet, on some other level I have a strength that is mighty forged from this time. I am never afraid to stand alone on a topic becasue I have stood before alone and survived.

The interesting thing to me is an adult will say this happened to them and they are always these incrdible and often masculine people. Not just muscle bound, I mean thay have qualities I respect so much and a huge capicity to love and value people that make them so masculine to me.

 

[Osiris]

I got bullied mainly because I was a government brat and moved every two years and had to start from zero each time. Everybody who has posted to this thread is probably a lot more accepting of peoples differences as a result of being bullied and, just like you earl, pretty successful in their own right.

Bullies get there just desserts. I found out at my last class reunion. The handsome, popular bully? Has failed financially because he finally has learned his good looks don't get him through, has lost every woman he has had in his life, and in general? was pretty pathetic. He looked about 20 years older than he was from the wear on him. He spent the evening chatting up my wife who brought him over to talk to me. He had a kind of ashamed look on his face when he realized this was the kid he tried to run over in the parking lot just because I was friends with a girl he wanted to fuck.

So as for bullies? Their lives end in school and us victims have gone on to live our lives rather than be prisoners of our past. Stay strong Earl, you are way better than they are and you shouldn't even sweat them. You were a kid, you didn't know, none of us did, but now we do. Maybe that's all we need to get by.

 

[D_Humper E Bogart]

The truth shall set us free Osiris!

I prefer the ability to use the "Psychotic Black Man" card when deemed appropriate.

My dad has the philosophy that bullying starts from above and works down. It's amazing how even nations will subjegate each other with threats of anhilation, or cruel bosses threaten people with the sack or into corners that they don't want to go into, or grown-ups and their kids, etc, etc.

 

[ClaireTalon]

<.> So as for bullies? Their lives end in school and us victims have gone on to live our lives rather than be prisoners of our past. Stay strong Earl, you are way better than they are and you shouldn't even sweat them. You were a kid, you didn't know, none of us did, but now we do. Maybe that's all we need to get by.

That is about where their power stops, and if they have based their lives until then on bullying the weaker ones, they have never really built any strength to cope with the world outside school. Most of the bullies I have run into didn't strike me as very intelligent, and I'd really bite my ass if I learned that any of them has become more than a greasy, oily dealer at the local Ford dealership. Well, nothing against Ford.

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

The truth shall set us free Osiris!
My dad has the philosophy that bullying starts from above and works down..... cruel bosses threaten people with the sack or into corners that they don't want to go into, or grown-ups and their kids, etc, etc.

My mom was the one that established the pecking order. She was still physcally abusive when I was in my early 20s. She quit when I grabbed her hands, and told her, "I may day of malnutrition out on the streets but if you hit me one more time, I am going to lay you out in the floor." She go the drift. My dad has pretty much been a dirt bag most of my life. They gave me a freedom most people never get. I walked off from them for over 8 years. They couldn't get in touch with me. Still, I wish they loved me. It will never happen but it's something we all need.

I have a sucky boss. The man is a crook, and he's a racist. He discriminates against middleaged white men. I hope he gets his soon.