Being called an ex-lover's name

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by xzibit9945, Aug 28, 2009.

  1. xzibit9945

    xzibit9945 New Member

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    I'm 26 years old and haven't had a lot of serious girlfriends but I've noticed an upsetting pattern. I've only had 3 sex partners but all of them have at one point or another during intimacy called me the name of one of their ex lovers. For example, when we're having sex, the girl has said "I love you, (ex lover's name)". Two of these were serious girlfriends and each sex partner has called me at least one other person's name.

    Is this normal? How often does it happen to you? Does/would it make you upset? If so, how upset? I'm asking because I've never done this to anybody. Have you ever done this to someone and if so, how did they react?

    It hurts each time it happens but they always tell me it's normal and that everybody does it. Then, I ask them if they'd be hurt if I had done the same thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure they would've been pretty upset. Would you leave someone over it? It makes me sad because it basically tells me that they're fantasizing about some other guy they'd rather be with while they're sleeping with me. Once, I didn't call a girl out on it and she didn't even notice that she had done it.
     
  2. Fleur

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    Freudian slips are, unfortunately, common. Common in that, every one of us has speech errors. (uh, um, repeats, corrections etc) There is debate over a lot of Freud's stuff and a lot of his theories aren't believed any longer. But Freudian slips are actually real...it is a legitimate speech error. I'm a psycholinguist...I hate saying that, but I am. Anyway, there is a new term for it these days, called "slip of the tongue" ...Cognitively, not emotionally or otherwise subconsciously, a slip of the tongue occurs during language production (getting ready to speak and speaking). Speaking seems easy because you went through the hard part of mastering it as a kid and now it's become fairly automatic/easy for you but roughly, it's broken up like this

    Message (what you want to say) -> Syntax (grammar/structure) -> Semantics (meaning of words) -> Phonology (sounds for the words) ...it's not to say this is linear and most of the time it's done within seconds and sometimes ms...

    This can happen for a number of reasons, in this case, it's probably due to a local response patterns (but another psycholinguist by give you a different reason, like underspecification (such as inattention...and during sex...you know...) or it can be a combination of cognitive misfirings going on and it's entirely hard to stop once the error starts to happen (yes the process from message -> speech seems easy to you and quick, but there's a lot of processing in the brain involved))). That is, and it's hard to hear, they're used to saying "I love you, ex" so, when generating the message they want to say, their syntax and semantic production conflict with what they wish to say and their usual local response pattern.

    In other words, it's a cognitive fault of habit...doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less.

    I swear...I need to start a large language support group thread...I think it might help. I could get more into this and talk about neurons and repetition and familiarity but...I think we'd need to have a lecture on that...and who wants to be lectured? Oh wait...I guess I kind of just did...:redface:
     
    #2 Fleur, Aug 28, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2009
  3. Countryguy63

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    Not necessarily fantasizing about anyone else.

    Hey, I'm not going to deny that it may be a bit unnnerving, but it can happen to anyone if it was a recent break up, or even their last lover.

    If there are no other reasons to be suspicous, don't let that mess with your head.
     
  4. Symphonic

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    I did it once. Called my girlfriend "Hand". :]

    It's "normal" although you have really bad luck. If it's consistent or other behaviors are pesent that might suggest it's a little more than a slip... Investigate?
     
  5. SpeedoGuy

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    Have had it happen to me. Can't say I liked it much despite her apologies and explanations.
     
  6. dolfette

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    normal.
    your name isn't you.
    and you are not your name.
    and if she's spent the last 5 years yelling,
    'john! oh john!'
    at the point of orgasm, then it's become ingrained.
    she's with you, so laugh it off and get over it.
     
  7. Principessa

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    Yikes! :yikes: Must be something in the air up there. :confused: I have never called a man by the wrong name, nor have I been called another womans name. I would be hurt if that happend. :frown1:
     
    #7 Principessa, Aug 28, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2009
  8. AlphaMale

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    It happens once... yeah I agree with you.

    It happens more than once... she might want to reconsider calling John up. :wink:
     
  9. vlls

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    dude wtf... i doubt whether this is normal.... its never happened to me...
    except when I ask my girlfriend purposely to pretend that im an ex bf of hers... buts that different story hehe
     
  10. MovingForward

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    I am guilty of sometimes fantasizing about an ex, and then in the heat of passion the name might come out.
     
  11. dolfette

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    i muddle names all the time.
    i call my sis by my kid's name, i call my stepdad by my kid's name, i call my pets by my kids' names.
    they're the names i say most often, so they slip out.

    i guess it's like muscle memory. not wishful thinking or anything like that.
    i'm certainly not wishing it was my kid pulling to pee on a tree!
     
  12. Kayden96

    Kayden96 New Member

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    Never happened in that context, unless her ex was God.

    My mom, granma, and grampa always call my uncle and me by eachother's name.

    I've never done it myself, that I'm aware.

    I did once have an ex girlfriend hug me once and she said "I love you" out of the blue. She said it was just from habit.
     
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