Being Comfortable With Yourself

Jackson1490

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This is going to be a long story. I’ve decided to make a thread for closure, advice, and stories from other people. I’m gay and I live in a conservative area in the midwest. If this information tells you anything my school class only has 69 students in it and it’s a farm school. A lot of guys around me wear boots and if they don’t they’re the sporty straight guys. There’s no diversity around me so I have no one to connect with and no similar interests. I’ve been accused of being gay but I always deny it, multiple kids have asked me and a lot just assume. I don’t try to act girly and I don’t dress feminine (but I am interested in clothes and have many compared to my peers). That’s besides the point, I can’t come to terms with myself for being gay. My mother has told me once that if I was gay she would love me no matter what, she’s never been there for me emotionally otherwise. My father has never even discussed the topic, neither of them really talk about it which I’m glad they haven’t. I know it is not wrong to be gay and that I shouldn’t be ashamed, I’ve never even kissed a boy. My mind tells me that I should be straight, I’ve wished to be straight ever since I’ve experienced feelings for guys. I try to like girls sexually but I can’t get hard. I love girls and their personalities but my body just doesn’t cooperate when I try to think of them sexually. I would be completely open to doing anything sexual with a woman but I’m scared that chance would never come. My question is, how do you be comfortable with your sexuality and just generally yourself? I apologize for this post being so long. I felt that I should give backstory in hopes that it might give reason to why I feel like this. If you’ve made it this far or decide to respond I will be very grateful and I appreciate it. Thank you.
 

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I grew up in a very small town in central Illinois. The town population was about 800. Our school only went to 4th grade and my class only had 25 kids. For 5th to 12th grade, we were bussed to the next town over, my class then had about 200 kids. I was always accused of being the gay kid. I never dared to act or dress feminine. But I was (and still am) an introvert. This made me different and people would just assume I was gay. This only hurt me because I knew I was gay and would never be accepted in the conservative area where I lived. In high school, I didn't know 1 gay person, and if I had known of any, I don't think I would have associated with them. I don't think I could have risked myself to been seen with them. (I now know of 5 in my class and I am sure there are more.)

It wasn't until I went to college and started meeting other gay people that I realized I wasn't alone. I started attending the gay/lesbian support group on campus. We would drive an hour to a bigger city with gay bars and gay life. I finally started feeling comfortable with myself and my sexuality. One time, the gay/lesbian support group wanted a volunteer to speak at a lunch time speaking event about gay life on campus. So I volunteered. A lady that worked in the radio/television department spoke as a lesbian staff member and I spoke as a gay student. The event was successful with only 1 guy (who was a closeted gay Christian) speaking negatively before we began. From there, the psychology department wanted a group of gay/lesbian students to speak in their deviant behavior classes. I volunteered to speak 5 times. Each time I spoke with 3 or 4 other gay/lesbian students. From there, members from the gay/lesbian support group formed a Gay Lesbian Student Union group. This was big time for the smaller semi-conservative college. Through all of that, I learned to accept myself and love who I had become. Being gay is not wrong.

When I left college, I had met a guy at one of those gay bars an hour away. I knew it was time for me to leave the conservative area, it was never going to get better there. So I packed up and moved in with this guy. We were together for 7 years. It wasn't always great, but it was always better to be living in a more open and welcoming city. I moved here 28 years ago and I have no regrets.
 

Jackson1490

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I grew up in a very small town in central Illinois. The town population was about 800. Our school only went to 4th grade and my class only had 25 kids. For 5th to 12th grade, we were bussed to the next town over, my class then had about 200 kids. I was always accused of being the gay kid. I never dared to act or dress feminine. But I was (and still am) an introvert. This made me different and people would just assume I was gay. This only hurt me because I knew I was gay and would never be accepted in the conservative area where I lived. In high school, I didn't know 1 gay person, and if I had known of any, I don't think I would have associated with them. I don't think I could have risked myself to been seen with them. (I now know of 5 in my class and I am sure there are more.)

It wasn't until I went to college and started meeting other gay people that I realized I wasn't alone. I started attending the gay/lesbian support group on campus. We would drive an hour to a bigger city with gay bars and gay life. I finally started feeling comfortable with myself and my sexuality. One time, the gay/lesbian support group wanted a volunteer to speak at a lunch time speaking event about gay life on campus. So I volunteered. A lady that worked in the radio/television department spoke as a lesbian staff member and I spoke as a gay student. The event was successful with only 1 guy (who was a closeted gay Christian) speaking negatively before we began. From there, the psychology department wanted a group of gay/lesbian students to speak in their deviant behavior classes. I volunteered to speak 5 times. Each time I spoke with 3 or 4 other gay/lesbian students. From there, members from the gay/lesbian support group formed a Gay Lesbian Student Union group. This was big time for the smaller semi-conservative college. Through all of that, I learned to accept myself and love who I had become. Being gay is not wrong.

When I left college, I had met a guy at one of those gay bars an hour away. I knew it was time for me to leave the conservative area, it was never going to get better there. So I packed up and moved in with this guy. We were together for 7 years. It wasn't always great, but it was always better to be living in a more open and welcoming city. I moved here 28 years ago and I have no regrets.
thank you for sharing your story, it gives me a sense of hope and makes me feel that I am not alone. You were very brave during college that sounds very nerve racking to speak in front of a bunch of people. I admire that
 

cedarizzo

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thank you for sharing your story, it gives me a sense of hope and makes me feel that I am not alone. You were very brave during college that sounds very nerve racking to speak in front of a bunch of people. I admire that
The first time I spoke, I thought there was going to be lots of people speaking. I only found out after I volunteered that it was going to be me and the staff member I had never met before. But I made it through and I felt great. I did have to tell my dad before I spoke because he worked on campus. I had come out to him the year before and he had been supportive.

Just know you are not alone. It does get better.
 
D

deleted1074483

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My question is, how do you be comfortable with your sexuality and just generally yourself? I apologize for this post being so long. I felt that I should give backstory in hopes that it might give reason to why I feel like this. If you’ve made it this far or decide to respond I will be very grateful and I appreciate it. Thank you.

i'm guessing you're still quite young?

like you and @cedarizzo, I grew up in a small rural village, all the kids caught the same bus to school and there were only about 15/20 of us from my village. Plus this was 40 years ago and the world was a very different place.

it feels hard to be the 'odd one out' all of the time and out of step with your peers and like cedarizzo it does get better especially if you go to college/university in a much larger town/city - that's what I did - I went to London and it opened my eyes and I felt in the right place for the first time ever and had the space to explore who I was outside the rural confines I lived in.

so do consider that your time will come.

also, you said that your mother has made the comment that she'd love you if you were gay, when she's never really said anything supportive before? So its a good chance she knows/realises - do you think you could open up to her and give her a chance to really support and be there for you?

You don't mention if you have friends where you are? being gay is generally far more acceptable in the USA and lots of places than its ever been before, do you have a good friend you trust and could confide in?

finally, there are a lot of social media sites with platforms for young guys like you to at least chat with other like minded and going through similar guys - i'm sure there are guys on this site in the same position too - maybe you could post something in personals looking for that person? not to hook up with but to be able to talk with?

good luck, and be reassured it does get better.
 

Simpleid

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Thanks for sharing your stories. These experiences are more or less same as my experience, looks we are all in a same boat. When i red your stories, almost it was my story, feeling alone, im the onlyone in the world being gay, never thought about girls, everything keep as a secret ... anyway thanks for making this thread.
 

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I grew up in a small town of 3500 people. I was brainy but also musically talented and played soccer as well. An early developer, I was tall and skinny for years. And like you, I was absolutely terrified of being openly gay. I was convinced that no one would want to be my friend and that I would be bullied or ostracized my entire life after coming out.

Some realizations that helped me:

(1) "Gay" is in the dictionary. That simple fact let me know that there were enough people like me for the characteristic to acquire a name and for it to be recorded in a reference volume. Very reassuring, especially after years of thinking that I was the young gay guy I knew during my K-12 experience.

(2) LGBTQ people have been written into all of recorded history--including some famous, rich, important, and/or admirable ones. (Alan Turing, anyone? Bessie Smith? Rudolf Nureyev? George Balanchine? Greta Garbo? Julius Caesar? James I of England, for whom the King James Bible is named? Jane Addams?) It's difficult to accept others' negative views of LGBTQ people when you know about this long and proud history.

(3) As long as I attempted to be the best possible person I could be, there would always be heterosexual people who would treat me as their equals in society. Some would even become close friends. This would happen because many people feel that sexuality in and of itself isn't a reason to initiate, maintain, or break a friendship.

(4) Many brave LGBTQ people lived before me and fought for the rights that I enjoy today. I owe them and future generations the courage to live my authentic and best life, contributing to society as I can, including as an openly gay man.

NCbear (who hopes this helps--and who knows it will get better for you)
 

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Jackson1490,
I so wish I had the luxury of the support that's available here at LPSG and in many platforms online now. I was your age in about 1970, when homosexuality was still listed as a mental illness in the Diagnostic Manual for psychiatrists.
I grew up in a larger town than yours, but it was in a very conservative fundamentalist town. I DID know of 2 other gay guys in my school, but was terrified of associating with them. When I graduated, I went to college as far away as I could manage---and out of state so that I could hopefully figure out how to be gay and from a fundamentalist background. It took almost 14 years to resolve and I unfortunately spent much of that time in an alcohol and drug fog. It is as only after I got sober at age 32 that I got comfortable with being gay.
With the resources of the internet, you have access to infinitely more resources than I had. My life has been very, very rewarding, interesting and fulfilling since I got sober AND began to live my own life.
My parents eventually came around though my siblings have not. I am out to my entire neighborhood, to all of my coworkers, to almost anyone I have talked to at my gym, and to all of my clients for the past 20 years.
BTW, add to the list of notable gay men in history: Alexander the Great. You're in good company!
 

Brodie888

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I think the first thing you need to realize is that there are millions of men who feel exactly the way you do.

Secondly, the only criteria for being gay is that you are sexually attracted to other men. Clothes, interests, mannerisms, personality etc run the full spectrum and mean nothing. Don't feel alienated that you aren't like the stereotypes you see on tv.

When you are young, the worst thing to be is different. The things that makes you different tend to be the thing that other kids attack you for. Better to be a grey pebble that blends in so to speak.

Also you have beliefs that have been imprinted on you by your family and friends. As an adult, you will realize that these are not facts, these are choices based on what they know. You will never be congruent with yourself living someone else's truth. Find your own path.

Which brings me to the last point. Before you can come out to others, you need to come out to yourself. I know you've said to us that you are gay, but you need to say to yourself that you are gay.

When you have a strong sense of who you are and what labels belong to you, it shields you from the arrows of others who want to impose themselves upon you.

Also know that you don't need to figure this all out today. Life is a journey and it's more about moving in a direction where life gets more fulfilling for yourself than pleasing other people.
 

Jackson1490

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i'm guessing you're still quite young?

like you and @cedarizzo, I grew up in a small rural village, all the kids caught the same bus to school and there were only about 15/20 of us from my village. Plus this was 40 years ago and the world was a very different place.

it feels hard to be the 'odd one out' all of the time and out of step with your peers and like cedarizzo it does get better especially if you go to college/university in a much larger town/city - that's what I did - I went to London and it opened my eyes and I felt in the right place for the first time ever and had the space to explore who I was outside the rural confines I lived in.

so do consider that your time will come.

also, you said that your mother has made the comment that she'd love you if you were gay, when she's never really said anything supportive before? So its a good chance she knows/realises - do you think you could open up to her and give her a chance to really support and be there for you?

You don't mention if you have friends where you are? being gay is generally far more acceptable in the USA and lots of places than its ever been before, do you have a good friend you trust and could confide in?

finally, there are a lot of social media sites with platforms for young guys like you to at least chat with other like minded and going through similar guys - i'm sure there are guys on this site in the same position too - maybe you could post something in personals looking for that person? not to hook up with but to be able to talk with?

good luck, and be reassured it does get better.

Your first question, my mother has said that once before. She’s never emotionally there for me, she suffers from drug addiction and she never pays full attention so I’ve just kept to myself about it. I don’t think I’d be ready to tell her either. I have a few friends as well, they’re all girls and I’ve told two of them and then they told the others in the friend group. It made me feel that I couldn’t tell people because at that point I was uncomfortable that others knew. Thank you for the advice and realizations I greatly appreciate you and your time
 

Jackson1490

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Jackson1490,
I so wish I had the luxury of the support that's available here at LPSG and in many platforms online now. I was your age in about 1970, when homosexuality was still listed as a mental illness in the Diagnostic Manual for psychiatrists.
I grew up in a larger town than yours, but it was in a very conservative fundamentalist town. I DID know of 2 other gay guys in my school, but was terrified of associating with them. When I graduated, I went to college as far away as I could manage---and out of state so that I could hopefully figure out how to be gay and from a fundamentalist background. It took almost 14 years to resolve and I unfortunately spent much of that time in an alcohol and drug fog. It is as only after I got sober at age 32 that I got comfortable with being gay.
With the resources of the internet, you have access to infinitely more resources than I had. My life has been very, very rewarding, interesting and fulfilling since I got sober AND began to live my own life.
My parents eventually came around though my siblings have not. I am out to my entire neighborhood, to all of my coworkers, to almost anyone I have talked to at my gym, and to all of my clients for the past 20 years.
BTW, add to the list of notable gay men in history: Alexander the Great. You're in good company!
Thank you so much 51arledge
 

Jackson1490

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I think the first thing you need to realize is that there are millions of men who feel exactly the way you do.

Secondly, the only criteria for being gay is that you are sexually attracted to other men. Clothes, interests, mannerisms, personality etc run the full spectrum and mean nothing. Don't feel alienated that you aren't like the stereotypes you see on tv.

When you are young, the worst thing to be is different. The things that makes you different tend to be the thing that other kids attack you for. Better to be a grey pebble that blends in so to speak.

Also you have beliefs that have been imprinted on you by your family and friends. As an adult, you will realize that these are not facts, these are choices based on what they know. You will never be congruent with yourself living someone else's truth. Find your own path.

Which brings me to the last point. Before you can come out to others, you need to come out to yourself. I know you've said to us that you are gay, but you need to say to yourself that you are gay.

When you have a strong sense of who you are and what labels belong to you, it shields you from the arrows of others who want to impose themselves upon you.

Also know that you don't need to figure this all out today. Life is a journey and it's more about moving in a direction where life gets more fulfilling for yourself than pleasing other people.
I will remember your words and take your advice to my heart. I greatly appreciate the time you’ve taken to respond and give me insights. Thank you
 
D

deleted1074483

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Your first question, my mother has said that once before. She’s never emotionally there for me, she suffers from drug addiction and she never pays full attention so I’ve just kept to myself about it. I don’t think I’d be ready to tell her either. I have a few friends as well, they’re all girls and I’ve told two of them and then they told the others in the friend group. It made me feel that I couldn’t tell people because at that point I was uncomfortable that others knew. Thank you for the advice and realizations I greatly appreciate you and your time

hey mate, sorry to hear about your mother's situation like that - also a tough thing to deal with when you are going through this as well.

And sorry to hear your trusted girl friends were not so trustworthy - it does unfortunately happen.

hopefully sharing on this site and hearing about our experiences will help you through this though - good luck to you mate and keep positive
 

Jackson1490

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hey mate, sorry to hear about your mother's situation like that - also a tough thing to deal with when you are going through this as well.

And sorry to hear your trusted girl friends were not so trustworthy - it does unfortunately happen.

hopefully sharing on this site and hearing about our experiences will help you through this though - good luck to you mate and keep positive
thank you very much! this is helping me a lot actually :)
 

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It took me a very long time to become comfortable with myself due to the fact that I come from a very religious and strong willed family. I've been through not only abandonment from family...but very harsh and severe situations as well. As time progressed...those unfortunate and hurtful situations have made me a stronger, wiser individual that I am happy with the outcome. Although I am not the type that puts my sexuality on public display because I'm a firm believer that my business is my business and what I do or whom I'm have in my bed is private and personal.
 

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"My question is, how do you be comfortable with your sexuality and just generally [be] yourself? "

That is the crux of your post in that sentence. The path to doing what you ask here is a difficult one because it is asking you to discard years of social programming that, unless you are in some way different from the programming, you don't ever question. You are in that moment in the Matrix where you are being asked to critically question your reality and are finding it difficult to accept that what you ahve thought was real isn't necessarily so. Much of what we are taught growing up is, in fact, made up, and based largely on the interpretation of a translation of a 2,000 year old, pre-scientific book. Sexual monogamy, which is the rare exception in the mammal world is treated as being the norm, to disastrous results (see marriage and divorce rate and content of half the country music catalog). Sexuality is much the same. Non-100% heterosexual people have the added challenge to overcome social programming that they are bad people for like the same sex sexually to varying degrees on top of trying to deal with/overcome the damaging social programming all males face that teaches us to be embarrassed of our bodies (cover up!), ashamed of our cocks (don't let others see you have one!) and guilty about our sexual desires (I need to blow a load!), including masturbation, which are, in reality part of our DNA programming as males. I feel very lucky I saw the social programming for the bullshit it was at a young age so it made it easy for me to question it, investigate its origins and discard it as false and damaging to the male psyche, which it is. Instead, I revel in being naked and being sexual around other males and treating being naked as the norm is should be and sex as a casual form of social interaction and pleasure among males as it should be. As Morpheus intimates to Neo in the Matrix, the only thing holding you back is the programming you can't let go of. Same thing here.