Being friends with an Ex...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by absinthium, Aug 20, 2005.

  1. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    So I'm just wondering what the general consensus is on remaining friends with an ex. I had maintained a friendship with an exboyfriend in the past, even when I was in a new relationship. If I am honest with myself, I only stayed friends with him because I was still in love with him and still wanted him. It was only when he dicked me over sufficiently to make me no longer feel love for him that I ceased being friends with him.

    I am now in a situation where I'm in a relationship, and my boyfriend is the one who wishes to remain friends with an ex of his... Even though this is a girl that I feel is very manipulative, I know for a fact that she has pretty severe mental disorders, and he told me at one point that she's a complete bitch and he never wanted to talk to her again. Anyhow, she contacted him, and now they're friends again, and she's trying to talk to me.

    I'm really uncomfortable with this, and I've told my boyfriend before that the idea of the two of them getting back together worried me. I'm incredibly fearful of crazy women... She might realize he's in a relationship and decide to make it her goal in life to ruin it since theirs didn't work out. I've heard about some of the other things she did to him and his friend that don't make that scenario sound that improbable.

    Maybe I just have serious trust issues or I'm feel guilty for things I've done in the past and projecting those things onto him... Who's to say?

    In any event, I really don't want to be friends with this girl. Is that totally unreasonable? Should I tell my boyfriend that I don't trust this girl and I don't understand why he wants to be friends with her? Should I just suck it up and try to play nice with her and see what happens?

    Is there anyone in LPSGland that is still friends with an ex, and, if so, what is your motivation?

    Thanks a million in advance!
     
  2. Dr. Dilznick

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    Fuck relationship drama, this is why I actively strive to keep out of serious relationships. Right now my girl who I've been messing with for a month, and I dread things progressing into some drama laden shitfest, cause I have zero tolerance for any of this shit.

    Anyway, its kinda hard to gauge, considering you haven't identified any specifics. It depends on what happened and who did what and how bad.
     
  3. Dr. Dilznick

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    Actually, my boy went through the exact same situation a year ago. His girlfriend and his "girl friend" still don't get along. I say he has to take your side, his female friend should understand.

    On the other hand, if you and your boyfriend are truly in a great relationship and plan to go somewhere with it, you shouldn't even have to ask this question.
     
  4. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Hi.

    Well I'd like to say it's good or that it even works to be friends with an ex.

    I still sort of talk to the ex. She doesn't really dick me over anymore so much as dick herself over and just basically fuck up. Which is completely avoidable. Except she has fallen into a pattern of behaviour. I did actually one time say I'd take her out for the day/night to get her away from the parties she goes to, where she gets (too) drunk and ends up sleeping with guys who take advantage of her. She says she feels bad about that. I explained to her last night what she was doing (I basically said "you go to parties > get drunk > people end up tryin it on with you and get in your pants). If you go to these parties again, the same guys will keep tryin it on (she thought they wouldn't...) She got upset then thinking I was calling her a slut.

    Did I use the word slut? No, I just explained her actions simply and showed her how it looks to other people. Even if she isn't a slut she certainly looks like one. She was previously unable to see the error of her ways. Anyways I decided I can't afford to go and take her out, I'm a student now and I need to buy clothes, books etc and I need to start trying to help myself and not other people all the time. Learning how to iron my clothes without ruining them is the next big quest.

    I told her she could do what she wanted, just that I thought she was better than that (what she's doing). She was a bit shocked last night actually cos I was being very blunt/confident with her. I'd had enough and was really disgusted by her behaviour and to see what she is turning into.

    But anyway this is my own personal experience (I just realised lol) some ex's may be okay to get along with. :)
     
  5. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    My ex and I are on friendly terms. He and I went through a lot together, and he knows things about me that no one else knows. And vice-versa. I know I can count on him to be there. I still care deeply for him, but the romantic attachment is not there. But this is just one situation. I can understand that being in the same room with one's ex can be uncomfortable: it depends a lot on the circumstances concerning the break-up. You are under no obligation to remain chummy with your ex. If it feels strained, uncomfortable or otherwise 'not right', why force something?
     
  6. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Sorry...I just woke up and went off on one.

    Anyway I've read the whole thing now. I myself think usually the only reason people stay in touch with ex's is because it creates the chance of something more happening. Course I could be wrong.

    And after a while of inactivity whoever was wanting the ex realises its futile, but still stays friends and is able to do so without any emotional attatchment or wanting.

    Maybe you could just tell your boyfriend your concerns, ask him why he's still talking to her and say something like if he thought he was going to get with her then you'd like to know and not be left in the dark.

    However, my ex has (undiagnosed) mental problems. She said she has PMT all the time but I have no idea how factual or true that is. I called her 'PMT head' and she said yeah I have PMT all the time or somethin. Maybe your bf is just caring and wants to try and help the psycho, I dunno.

    It's a tough one and I hope it works out well for ya ;)
     
  7. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    I've tried the "friends with the ex" thing a few times but it has never, ever worked out.
     
  8. DC_DEEP

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    Being friends with an ex is possible, but not if there are problems. I suppose a lot of it depends on why you broke up in the first place. If the ex is a mental case, it probably is not a good idea.

    My partner and I are very close to his ex and partner. They are both good, stable, people. Unfortunately, they have to move due to a work transfer. I will miss them both terribly. There was nothing sexual going on, they are just great to be around, and have been friends whom I have treasured.

    On the other hand, most of my ex boyfriends started out charming and wonderful, then ended up showing their ugly, undesireable traits. I have no desire to have any contact with them at all. One or two are ok, but not people I really want to spend a lot of time with (otherwise, I doubt we would have broken up.)

    What it boils down to, I guess, is can a real, honest, friendship with this person work? That's really between you and your boyfriend.
     
  9. steve319

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    I've been able to remain on "good terms" with most of my exes, really. One I'd even consider a friend of sorts, hugging when we run into one another these days and even holding hands while we catch up. That's more a function of the amount of one another's secret shit that we carry than any hope for a rekindling, though. Like soldiers who went through war together, we smile and communicate with real compassion but know better than to go too deep.

    On my more jaded days (360 or more per year, I believe ;)), I think maybe my desire to stay on good terms with them has more to do with having grown up in a crazy alcoholic home and wanting to insist that everything is OK and that everyone has to sublimate and pretend to get along regardless of the ugly, awful horror lying underneath.

    Beyond those sorts of motives, I can't see another reason to want to stay friends outside of a desire to keep options open.

    If so, absinthium, then it's setting off my admittedly hair-triggered trust alarms too.

    Can he explain what he's getting out of this friendship? Why it's important to him to be more than awkward acquaintances with her?

    If he can't or if the answers don't make sense (does he consider her fragile and needy and in need of his help?), then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to cool it a bit for the sake of your comfort.
     
  10. Dr Rock

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    ugh ... I agree with dr dilznick. I feel soiled.
     
  11. jonb

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    Depends on how you broke up. Practically the only way to make it work is if they came out to you or some other irreconcilable difference.
     
  12. Nienna

    Nienna New Member

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    I have been friends with a few of my ex's, I think the key to those successful friendships were that while dating or sleeping together we were honest and open, and yes maybe things didn't work out, but noone did anything hurtful to other. to this day I still email with one I almost married, and I have heard from others thru mutual friends ( we live in different cities now and have moved into seperate circles but still remain friendly when we see or speak to and of each other.)

    Any ex's of mine that hurt me didn't get another chance to do so. I don't tolerate being screwed over and make sure it can't happen again. therefore no trying to be friends, b/c obviously I can't trust them.

    As a wife, when my hubby's ex called him up one day and started to chat it was kinda wierd for me but I wasn't insecure or anything. I know all the evil things she did to him and how mauch he hates her. I think she called cuz she was unhappy and wanted to see if he was to.. I think if she would have kept calling or if he would have called her back I would be a little upset b/c after what she did I don't think she deserves to have his friendship and I would start to question why he was talking to her.

    If its a problem with her, then go with your instincts, if your worried about him, then ask yourself if you think his comitment to you and his honesty in your relationship are enough to get you both thru the awkwardness of it.

    Good luck!
     
  13. BobLeeSwagger

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    My experience has been that girlfriends and female friends have stayed completely separate. The rejection and heartache that follow a breakup has prevented a platonic friendship from lasting. And once I become friends with a woman, I don't seem to have many romantic feelings for her anymore. That being said, I don't think I've truly tested the idea with a woman that I either really wanted to stay friends with, or really wanted to take to the next level. On the one hand, the separation has saved me a lot of drama, but at some point it might also cause me to lose a really great person someday.

    Anyway, based on your description of her she's definitely relationship poison. But she only is as long as he allows her to be. At some point you will probably have to give him an ultimatum, her or you. And if you give that ultimatum, you have to follow through with it. Such a person will only make you unhappy, even if it's the kind of thing that he enjoys or tolerates.
     
  14. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    I appreciate all the thoughtful replies... As I read through my original post, however, I felt the need to include a bit more information because, well, it's just on my mind.

    Part of the reason I'm a bit wary of this whole situation with my boyfriend and his ex is that something happened a little while ago that really upset me. I had casually suggested to my boyfriend once that we have a threesome. This was early in our relationship before the "L" word (and no, I don't mean the shitty Showtime series) had been exchanged. So I showed him a picture of a girl I knew online that I had some interest in sexually, but nothing serious, and told him how it would be cool if she could join us, even though she lives far away and it would be rather improbable. I showed him pictures of a few other girls that I thought were hot, but for some reason that one seemed to strike his fancy. He started talking to this girl (we'll call her "Steve") and it seemed to me that he had something more than a desire to have sex with her and myself at the same time. Indeed, after some prodding, he admitted to having feelings for her, although he still wasn't able to tell me he loved me. We broke up and didn't speak to each other for a number of days. When I did speak to him again, he told me that not having me in his life made him realize that he did love me (SHOCK! :eyes: ) and didn't have feelings for Steve any longer. He did say that he wanted to remain friends with her. I have a number of people that I used to have romantic feelings for that never were realized that I now count as friends, so I finally told myself to stop being jealous and try not to be that balls-in-a-vice kind of girlfriend and tell him who he may and may not talk to.
    Then this thing with is ex happened, and I'm just worried that if he talks to a girl that he loved and had a relationship with for two years it might turn out like this Steve situation all over again. I've been a little uncomfortable when he mentions talking to any girl that I don't know for a fact he doesn't have feelings for.
    I don't think he's lying to me about his intentions with his ex, but the road to Julianna getting fucked over is paved with good intentions. Especially since this ex of his is such a fucking succubus. In the interest of explaining just how creepy she is, he's told me that she dumped him and immediately started going out with his best friend. She posted pictures of herself giving this best friend of his a blowjob where he could see it. She then cheated on his best friend and dumped him. Now she's talking to my boyfriend again... I can't help but feel she's up to something. I also feel like it only makes her look that much more innocent if she starts talking to me and telling me how happy she is for me and my boyfriend. And then if I don't talk to her, I look like the bitch.

    It's times like these when I wish I was able to maintain casual sexual relationships with people, as Dr. Dilznick and Dr. Rock have suggested, but I just don't have it in me. I'm one of those quivering wads of hopeless romanticism. I still hope, perhaps naively, that this can work out.
     
  15. goodwood

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    Friends with an ex? It seems like it should be a do-able thing, a reasonably manageable situation.
    After a year and a half with my ex (gf) I broke up with her - repeatedly. The thing is, she kept calling me and showing up at my house, while I wasn't home, nake, in my bed - and horny. And so while not officially back together, we carried on for a bit as "friends".
    Alas, even as friends the same behaviors and patterns were still there. Namely that she was a self obssessed control freak. And so I finally had to make it very clear on the phone, in person and via e-mail that in no uncertain terms could we be friends. The fact that her new bf had an unfortunately small unit was for her to deal with on her own.
    It's really too bad because while you are with someone, you are with them for the great things they have to offer/that you two have together. When there is a parting of ways there is a reason (or LOTS of them) for that decision.
    Most of my ex-girlfriends and I run in the same social circles and at charity events, social gatherings there is at least the ability to be civil, even surface pleasant for the moment at hand.
    Other than that I stear clear of exes. I have had exes of mine who have waved their exes in my face (to make me jealous I think) to which I said "Hey - if that works for you two to be friends, then go right ahead".
    As long as there are not children involved, I really do no see the benefit of continuing to be involved in the life of an ex. (except for sex - maybe. for awhile. if it's really, really great).
    As far as your current's ex wanting to be friendly with you, I think it is smart to be guarded and just not get that involved and feel free to express your hesitancy to your current. At least have an honest, open communication about the matter at hand.
    If you can't have that, then things will get wierd and strained and no one will end up happy.
    Well, good luck!
     
  16. goodwood

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    You know what absinthium?
    Don't be afraid to be perceived as the bitch. You can make it clear that the ex wacko is just not someone you want to be close with it. You can do that without
    being mean or unpleasant, but for crying out loud - she sounds certifiable. Hmm.
    I wonder if I dated her at some point? (joking. I hope).
    So even if you do summon the stomach to say "Nope. I don't think so." to "steve" and your guy there gets pissy about it then maybe think that if he gets pissy about it, then he would not be putting you high enough in the pecking order to give you prime consideration as his main squeeze?
    Geez. Good luck with that.
     
  17. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    Y'know, that really ain't such bad advice.
    My only worry in that case is that this psycho girl will be all, "Oh, your girlfriend's being mean to you? Come cry on my shoulder... And slip me some dick while you're at it..."

    But whatev'. My brain is probably making this situation seem more dire than it really is.
    He probably just doesn't want to seem like a mean person by telling her to go to hell.
    I'll tell you something though, if it comes down to it, I have no problem with doing so.

    Sheesh... I sure hope not... Spend much time in southern FL?
     
  18. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    *Insert Twilight Zone music*
     
  19. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Absinthium,

    It would be wonderful if people would act right. Im sorry you are being placed in this very delicate situation. Dont get anxious though. If he said he loves you, that is a big step. Just be the girl he fell in love with as only you can be. If it really gets to you talk to him about it. Calmly and helping him to understand what he and your relationship mean to you. I am sure he will figure out what to do.

    Naughty
     
  20. Dr. Dilznick

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    Or she will be all "Well bitch, after this is over, I'll still be here after you are long over with." He probably won't end the friendship, that lets you know that he's a pussy and that you have a good amount of control over him. Most men think like that, don't they? I don't know, just speculating.

    Fuck it, though. Men aren't cut out for the type of shit that females are usually on. It can get ugly real quick.
     
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