Being friends with an Ex...

[absinthium]

Originally posted by Dr. Dilznick@Aug 21 2005, 05:07 PM
Fuck it, though. Men aren't cut out for the type of shit that females are usually on. It can get ugly real quick.

[post=337128]Quoted post[/post]​

As much as I am loathe to admit it, I am inclined to believe that women tend to be batshit insane in a way that is most baffling.

People in general are either morons or completely nuts, but a crazy woman can take it a whole new level.

 

[goodwood]

Absinthium -

Hmm. Things and situations always seem worse and more dramatic and with higher stakes when one is in the midst of them. Perhaps a good night's sleep and back to the business of the week will help things get back to an even keel.
Just remember not to pussy foot around the situation at hand, remember just because you don't care for some crazy chick that (that) in no way means you did anything wrong or bad and finally if the bf actually does slip her the hot beef injection then I hate to say it, but you can do way, way better. For serious.

Southern Florida? Nope. New York, Boston and L.A. until ten years ago. Now I am stuck in the mid west. Ugh. However, there is no telling where the crazy exes end up.

Well, spent the day at the beach on Lake Michigan with the neighborhood kid and his friend (very much an 'About A Boy' kind of deal) so I need a shower and a drink. I am one tired puppy. Kids are a LOT of work.

- G.W.

 

[Steve26]

My wife has only one meaningful ex, since she and I met at 19. Over the years we've actually become close friends with the ex and his wife, attending each other's weddings, going camping together, and the like.

I'm comfortable with this because it's crystal clear that there is zero chance of anything ever happening between them again. My wife has unloaded enough on him over the years that it's clear the break was somewhat nasty and she'd never go back to him again. I'm sure the fact that they broke up 12 years ago, that the ex now lives many hundreds of miles away and is happily married with child, and that we see them only twice a year at most also helps.

I think a lot of concern about exes is focused on the unknown of physical attraction between two other people ... a fear lingers that there may be some kind of powerful chemistry that will bring them irresistibly back together. It's shallow of me, but I feel secure about this because the ex knows I'm far better endowed and is somewhat cowed by that, and my wife has really grown to like my size in our years together and has told me that he was lousy in bed. Nothing to fear there, as far as I can tell.

So yeah, it's possible to be comfortable -- even friendly -- with your S.O.'s ex, but only if you're pretty sure he/she has moved on and would never look back. I think ultimately the burden is on the partner who wants to maintain ties to an ex to demonstrate convincingly to a new S.O. that there is no threat whatsoever.

Steve

 

[absinthium]

Originally posted by Steve26@Aug 22 2005, 12:09 PM
I think a lot of concern about exes is focused on the unknown of physical attraction between two other people ...

[post=337263]Quoted post[/post]​

Eww, I know... I have no idea what my boyfriend's ex looks like... She could be drop dead gorgeous for all I know. I hate to admit that she and I share a lot of interests, and she seems like an intelligent person, which only adds to my unease. I'd be fine with it if she was a complete idiot and we were like night and day.

I do know that she was the big one... The longest relationship that he's had to date. That's also what's got me nervous.

I have come to the decision to trust him a little on this. I told him that I'm afraid of him getting hurt again by her, and that I didn't really have much interest in talking to her. I left out the wildly accusatory conspiracy theories I've cooked up, which I think is for the best at this point.

 

[Knight]

Well good luck to you. I'd like to be able to do that but I'd hate to be trusting someone so much, blindly even, and then be made to look like a fool when I find out they've been seeing someone else for however long. But that's just me...

Anyway I guess you should trust him for now, then if things blow up (hopefully they won't) you have the right to get super bitchy/catty/homicidal

 

[madame_zora]

Well, I don't know exactly where I'd land on this one. I would be curious as to what exactly he wanted out of a friendship with a person who had dicked him over so profoundly. Maybe he wants closure (which he has about a 0% chance of getting) or maybe he really is naive enough to believe in someone's "good side". More likely that not, whether he admits it to himself or you (or not), he is at least enjoying the attention of having her around again. She is most likely enjoying the challenge of being able to rip at his heart now that he's with someone new (especially one who does not play head games, still plenty of room for her there). I think he's a bloody fucking moron to befriend the crazy ex and I really don't trust his motives or his lack of ability to say no- where could that possibly lead?

 

[Dr Rock]

humans are not biologically suitable for monogamous sexual relationships, period. all the "relationship problems" people complain about aren't problems at all; they're just the inevitable consequences of trying to force our species to behave in a manner that runs entirely counter to our evolutionary history.

there is also nothing smart or admirable about monogamy - it's a social mechanism designed and enforced by politicians, because it makes large numbers of people easier to organize and control.

human beings are not naturally possessive (or "committed," to use the modern euphemism) of individual sexual partners over extended periods of time; they learn the behavior because they're taught it, by a society that institutionalizes the concept of state-controlled marriage and punishes those who don't conform to its strictures regarding "the family."

 

[jonb]

Julianna:
The many problems of being friends with an ex can be distilled to jealousy. You'll start looking at his new girlfriends (or boyfriends; this IS the 21st century, after all) and comparing yourself to them. And you'll always come out on top. No one will be good enoguh for him. And he'll be doing the same thing to you. Expect lots of emosity (Yes, I made that word up.) on his part wrt your relationships. And lots of emosity on your part wrt his relationship.

 

[BruceSter]

Hi there,

being friends with an ex... I'd have a lot of friends then, if I count them all. But really, I'm not the kind of guy for that. When you do a break-up, it's better to do it clean, and not linger in a friendship mode. Also, friendship with an ex reminds me (sorry for this metaphor) of using coffee grounds to brew another cup - won't be as good as the first one, no matter how great that has been.

Also, a break-up can put a severe strain on the friendship - there's always the possibility that your ex and now friend will confront you with whatever caused your breakup when you get into a fight, especially if you left her for another woman. So better cut it then and there and make a clear decision.

Bruce

 

[madame_zora]

Dr. Rock, I happen to agree with you implicitly about monogamy. My only real problem with this particular situation is the emotional dynamic. This is a girl who was a horrid wretch to him, but he still claimed to "love" her. To me, this is a clear case of being attatched to drama, which is not the same as being free to have relations with others.

Everyone has to negotiate the circumstances of their relationships, and whatever is good for the people involved is groovy, but if one person wants to live peacefully and in harmony while the other is trying to bring in every obstacle to peace imaginable, that is worth considering. Being friends with an ex is not the primary issue- being friends with a person who has already exhibited the desire and ability to manipulate and cause pain is.

 

[B_HungSpermBoy]

Ok, I'll admit that I'm naive & romantic, but I think that if you love a person,then you never really stop loving them. I mean, the relationship changes & you don't feel exactly the same way about them, but there's always that caring thing going on underneath. Just the way I feel.

 

[madame_zora]

Originally posted by HungSpermBoy@Aug 26 2005, 08:06 AM
Ok, I'll admit that I'm naive & romantic, but I think that if you love a person,then you never really stop loving them. I mean, the relationship changes & you don't feel exactly the same way about them, but there's always that caring thing going on underneath. Just the way I feel.

[post=338108]Quoted post[/post]​

I know what you mean. You're never around much, but I still love ya!

 

[tillyrox]

QUOTE(HungSpermBoy @ Aug 26 2005, 08:06 AM)
Ok, I'll admit that I'm naive & romantic, but I think that if you love a person,then you never really stop loving them. I mean, the relationship changes & you don't feel exactly the same way about them, but there's always that caring thing going on underneath. Just the way I feel.







I know what you mean. You're never around much, but I still love ya!

i know how both of you feel, i was hurt very badly by an ex of mine when he cheated on me, and even now when i see him i still feel for him, nothing will ever take that away, but with an ex in order to fully move on and ignore those feelings, you have to try and get them out of your life for good, so i could never be friends with him, it would be way too hard.

Luv Ya's
Tilly

 

[joshstar]

Interesting topic...friends with an ex. My husband and I are friends with my ex and his husband, but it took a while for that to happen.

Many years ago I was lucky enough to have someone point out to me the difference between "hurt" and "harm". When my ex and I broke up we did so decently and honestly. Sure there were some tears and some pain...the truth (that we were incompatable as spouses) hurt. But we did not harm each other - no lying, cheating, stealing, revenge, etc.

I think if he had tried to harm me we could not be friends but since we were decent and honest we were eventually able to move on. We have many friends in common from our couple days and some of them have told me that they are glad we get along so well and they don't have to "choose" between us.

 

[madame_zora]

Joshstar, you make an excellent point! That has always been the difference for me too, although I would not have been able to define it so clearly. If I break up civilly with a guy, I can stay friends, but if it's an ugly break-up that's not so likely, nor even a very good idea. Why would I choose to be a friend to someone who had intentionally tried to harm me already? Thanks for the insight.

 

[headbang8]

Originally posted by joshstar@Aug 31 2005, 09:33 PM
Interesting topic...friends with an ex. My husband and I are friends with my ex and his husband, but it took a while for that to happen.  I think if he had tried to harm me we could not be friends but since we were decent and honest we were eventually able to move on. We have many friends in common from our couple days and some of them have told me that they are glad we get along so well and they don't have to "choose" between us.

[post=339471]Quoted post[/post]​

I do think gay couples manage to do this better than straight ones, on the whole. We're much more realistic about matters of the heart, and don't have a thousand years of romantic cultural baggage brought to every relationship, like straight couples.