Being in control in bed

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by ClaireTalon, Mar 30, 2006.

  1. ClaireTalon

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2005
    Messages:
    1,947
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Puget Sound
    I guess this can be called the essence or extension to the previous "Yelling out: Harder!" and tits&compliments threads, when I get to the deeper argumentation.

    Let me start with a non-surprising confession: I like being the one in control in bed. That doesn't mean I can't find anything about positions that don't have me on top of the guy, it's just that my feelings are heightened when I know that I hold the reigns and set the terms. I can't say that it is impossible for me to let go, but in bed I just can't do so, not before the first orgasm. After that, I usually get more relaxed, but when the trek to the next climax starts, I feel that urge again to take charge, and set the pace.

    This has nothing to do with domination or subordinance, for me, it's in fact more subtle. I am no fan of screaming "Fuckin' tear my fuck-hole open, or I'll shred your ass", even less than I am of men who spouse this attitude in their sexual habits. As I have mentioned in the Yelling thread, the use of language and eye contact is fun to me, to control him and thus control the pleasures I can get. Not that guys have complained about this, here is where the second thread ties in, how manipulating compliments can be in their effect on men. Admit it, guys, if you are being told that you're a great lover, in a gentle, purry voice, by a woman you have made climax and who looks sexy lying next to you, is flattering, isn't it? And the reaction of many guys is an urge to surpass themselves when it comes to the next ride.

    Am I exploiting guys' weaknesses? I think so. Is that a bad habit? I never have the feeling that guys leave my bedroom feeling unhappy, or that either of us has a reason to feel bad about that. That's why I publish this issue: Do you use any means like the above, and what do you think about them?
     
  2. D_Dallavell Ogler

    D_Dallavell Ogler New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2005
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Interesting...can we meet? LOL
     
  3. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,468
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,579
    Location:
    United States
    I was always submissive. I don't know why, I come from a matriarchy. My mother stressed power and control. Subtlely. Outwardly, I do too. Usually, I "wear the pants" in my relationships, be they personal, or business. Long before I discovered any sexual expression of dominance or submission, I was "topping from the bottom" at school, at work, and with my friends. A mentor complimented me on this once, saying that I seemed to grasp the elusive concept of "power with" versus "power over" others. Maybe she was right. Or maybe I'm just a manipulator. I like to get my way, (and I almost always do) but I want everyone to be happy with how things have turned out. My work right now, requires me to talk 50 hours a week to men about their submissive fantasies, and to verbally bring these to life for them, through storytelling or acting it out. In my own sexual life, I have become increasingly submissive. Because of this, I'm really not very likely to be a manipulator. I'm not even the sort of sexual submissive who "misbehaves" to earn negative attention. I don't feel like I'm explaining this very well. I'm on the phone with a client. LOL No, I don't think Claire is doing anything wrong, an honest compliment can never be wrong, even if it was paid largely to manipulate a lover into trying to beat his own record. I also don't think it's ever been done to me. *shrug* Women are better, supposedly, at using a person's own nature against him. I know I've never done this to anyone either.
     
  4. steve2727

    steve2727 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    229
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    I wouldn't call it manipulation or exploitation, guys as a general rule WANT to perform as well as they possibly can in bed. When a woman takes control and let's me know what she wants, and gives me the right sort of encouragement then I'm grateful for that. I know exactly what she's doing and why she's doing it, but she's making it better for both of us so that's cool with me.
     
  5. Shelby

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2004
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    in the internet
    While I've had some good times with women who like to call the shots in the sack, I prefer being (or at least being tricked into believing) that I'm large and in charge.

    Subtle direction is great. Overt not so for me.
     
  6. stud_hunter

    stud_hunter New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2006
    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    CA, USA
    I think it's a pretty common thing for women who take charge in other parts of their life to like being submissive in bed. It's a way for someone who normally "wears the pants" to feel more feminine.
     
  7. stud_hunter

    stud_hunter New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2006
    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    CA, USA
    I think most men like a woman who's direct about what she wants. Personally I'm very open about telling a guy what I like, what I don't like, and what I want. Yeah it could be seen as exploiting a weakness but I don't see it that way because a man is perfectly capable of also being direct about what he wants. Plus like I said, most men like a woman who's direct. The only ones who might be intimidated are men without much confidence and they aren't a group I gravitate towards anyway. So I really don't see a problem with it, Claire. :wink: I think I have a right to maximize my pleasure and not have to feel guilty about it. That said, I don't really consider myself a "dominant" in bed. I'm pretty proactive, but actually I love a man who's a bit cocky, isn't intimidated and will take charge without me telling him to. :tongue:
     
  8. steve2727

    steve2727 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    229
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    "There are two types of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in the bedroom" - Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis :biggrin1:
     
  9. windtalkerways

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2006
    Messages:
    2,116
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Canada
    Steve- love the quote!

    I think variety is what keeps things
    fresh and exciting. Taking turns
    being the aggressor keeps the passion
    ramped, as it illustrates you are both
    eager for the other.

    Sometimes it's very erotic to be
    'taken' and at other times, the tigress
    comes out and you just want to
    devour your man.
     
  10. Gisella

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    4,872
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    Well, i think because im very honest , communicate open and naturaly sensual men i had assumed that i am "all of that" when i trully was not...But i learn to play "open and in control" the "I know what im doing and im good in it!"...I know my likes and wants and like to please , give and take, and learned by years and experiences...

    But for the first time in my life i found a man that is very secure of himself in everyway, unbeliavable that until now he "let" me do my thing, "let me play the part i am used to" but by now i discover myself open up like never before! i can not recognize "my familiar way to express me, my safe game". He just mess up may game in a good way and i'm discovering and learning a lot about me in the process with his help...

    Dont know if somebody can understand what im trying to say...im completely mess up :rolleyes:

    :redface: But for now i dont want to be in control, not with him.
     
  11. Gisella

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    4,872
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    I confess that until now i have being playing competition with men in bed...but i found one that i can't compete!!!:eek: :redface:
     
  12. Lordpendragon

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2004
    Messages:
    3,880
    Likes Received:
    1
    I am not sure that you will be able to develop deep levels of intimacy if you look at sex in terms of control and/or submission.

    I would end up feeling like a sex object if my partner viewed our sex life as something to be in control of.
     
  13. stud_hunter

    stud_hunter New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2006
    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    CA, USA
    There are different kinds of sex and different kinds of relationships. The goal is not always to develop deep intimacy. I'm in a stage of my life where I'm a bit burnt out on intimacy. For the time being I'm far more interested in hot sex and fun with a guy I enjoy being around but am not necessarily looking for a deep commitment with. That might also be why I'm in a younger man phase (although their chiseled physiques... err.. what were we talking about? :biggrin1: )
    I agree with you that in a marriage or a serious relationship, control is a very different animal than in a more casual sexual relationship. I'm not at all into real dominance or submission, but a subtle touch of it can be quite exciting :tongue: .
     
  14. ClaireTalon

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2005
    Messages:
    1,947
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Puget Sound
    I don't at all think so! And to kill that, I don't think about sex in terms of submission, but a fact is that I feel much better when I have control, and have more powerful and deeper reaching orgasms when I am in charge. Funny, isn't it? But it still is intimate enough for me, I don't need much intimacy anyways, at the moment.

    My experience tells me that usually the guys that I tend to look out for are self assured enough to go along with my sexual desires, and don't have trouble with a woman telling them what she wants. On the contrary, I've been quite surprised after having found out that a large number of guys appreciate, or even find it hot if a woman does so. However, with my like for younger guys, I have to take some care not to approach them too tough, or they back off, and we don't want that. So, a certain degree of manipulation is always needed, and it's nothing bad. I'd not even look at it as manipulation, more as a way of opening this guy's eyes at what he likes.

    As for how this developed, reading your contribution was very interesting to me, BronxBombshell. I come from a "home" where my father claimed all the control for himself, and his sons, though none of them had an IQ higher than the OAT at Georgia. And despite that they were rather primitive, they didn't like themselves to be outmaneuvered, which is how I learned to manipulate. I've heard this kind of surrounding leads to submissive sides in later life, but I haven't felt so with me.
     
  15. Karen M

    Karen M New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2005
    Messages:
    109
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Western U.S.
    :yup::yup: Yes, beautifully said! Thank you!

    :smile: Karen
     
  16. massappeal

    massappeal New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2006
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    I'm all for a woman letting me know what feels good, guiding my passion around her body, but it always seems they have the most pleasure when they let me take over and bonk them silly :biggrin1:
     
  17. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    It is without doubt that manipulation is a two-edged sword. First, there is the aspect in which I can safely say we are all familiar – the unconstructive aspect. It is this side that has altogether given the expression a negative connotation. ClaireTalon, however, has unveiled the second aspect – the positive aspect. Though less salient than the first, this second form of manipulation can be quite beneficial, and could very well change the complexion of the term, entirely.

    Sexual intercourse is a multifaceted phenomenon; a lot is invested into it in order to receive complete gratification. Instead of highlighting each and every aspect of sexual intercourse, if it’s first looked at en bloc, you’ll see that it’s enormously a mental activity. Therefore, I would think, in order to be thoroughly satisfied in your sex-life, your partner should posses the ability to stimulate your psyche. I know some of my best sex-partners have been the ones who were able to understand my mentality and play upon it.

    Manipulation – this is precisely what is transpiring. Yet, it’s not being done to deliberately harm your lover; quite the opposite, it’s clearly done to please them. However, it emerges that the more critical concern in this thread is the way in which it’s done: verbal manipulation. I infer that because of its nature [actual speaking] it leaves the talker feeling as though they’ve lied to, or mislead, or taken advantage of their partner.

    Frankly, words have an immense impact on the direction intercourse can take. Words are enticing, in that as much as they can degrade us, they can make us feel unparalleled. As you illustrated in your initial post, Claire, speaking to your partner during sex (save when it’s done in a flamboyant, tawdry manner) can severely amplify the sensuality of the mood. Why? Because words stimulate our brains and our brains dictate to our body the degree(s) of the sensuality of the experience. So in essence, simply saying the right thing can affect the altitude of our overall sexual familiarity. Even if it’s no more than verbalizing your partner’s fantasy; in all actuality, it’s tantamount to reading a rather salacious novel. I see no problem with it, whatsoever.

    In fact, this may give us some insight into our concerns about power and submission when it comes to intercourse. If you firmly believe you can control your sex-life through this form (or any mutually beneficial form) of manipulation – why not? Like you said Claire, in many cases your partner will use the last time you had sex as a yardstick to determine how he did last time and how he can progress this time.

    And this should have very far-reaching consequences; before you know it, it shouldn’t only be great sex between you, but an unfolding of each other.
     
  18. Dr. Dilznick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2005
    Messages:
    1,662
    Likes Received:
    1
    It's not an urge; it's an instinct.

    Talking after sex is only as good as the orators that are speaking. Orgasms speak louder than words. Take my wife, for example. After sex, she'll be like, "Was it good for you?" Like that legion of sperm I left in you wasn't proof.

    Yup. I've mentioned this before, but I don't mind the violent jockeying for position, as long as the woman accepts that she'll eventually "lose" and be on her stomach, with her hair being pulled as hard as possible.
     
  19. dong20

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2006
    Messages:
    6,130
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    The grey country
    GoneA you took the words out of my mouth!

    First let’s ignore structured forms of control such as the military which are (for the most part) clear and unambiguous.

    In the context of consensual sex (as I understand it) in the conventional sense I think control is largely illusory. One may feel one is in 'control' but to truly be in control in the strict sense the other party must by definition submit to that control either willingly (or unwillingly which is clearly NOT what Claire was intimating so let's NOT go there).


    Assuming the latter then the other partner must acquiesce in which the ‘control’ is mostly an illusion, its just cooperation, or as GoneA said so well it's often plain and simple manipulation and ego fluffing, albeit benign. Nothing bad in that, we all do it from time to time so long as no other ‘deceit’ occurs and its not done for its own end. On the other hand (and I'm playing Devil's Advocate here) if a partner senses manipulation and plays along giving the other a belief they are 'holding the reigns' then exactly who is being manipulated and who is in control...???

    Speaking for myself, for the most part I like a woman to be unambiguous about what she likes and dislikes (not just in bed), but then I also like the immense pleasure in taking this journey of discovery unguided, nothing is simple is it!!

    Like many men (I suspect) I sometimes like to be led...at others I like to lead, but for me it has to be cooperative, informed and consensual, if I feel I'm being manipulated I generally don’t respond well although I have played along with the ruse that I am lapping up those purred comments!! If I’m unaware of it or just plain wrong then full marks and we both walk away happy.

    Clear as mud !!
     
  20. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    162
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Being in control and being controlled can each be very erotic with the right partner.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted