Being rougher with special circumstances?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by wowomglol, Feb 28, 2009.

  1. wowomglol

    wowomglol New Member

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    I am male, and have sex a few times a week with my best friend (female). We are each other's only sexual partners, and each other's firsts. She has said that she likes it when I'm a little more forceful or rough. We both enjoy sex a lot with each other, but she just said that she'd like it if I were every so often (orgasms galore, etc lol). I'm more playful and slow about sex and being more assertive just isn't my style, though I'd like to try... but it's hard. I don't really know what to do so much. It's especially hard becuase she isn't in the mood nearly as often as I am, and I don't want to push things when she doesn't want to... it's just weird. I guess I'm asking for tips, things I could do when we are in the mood and good to go.

    The special circumstances I was alluding to in the topic title I will mention now. She was raped by her first boyfriend when she was 16. 3 of my other friends were raped or molested. My mom worked for Juvenile court and I remember hearing awful things that happened to children and teens. I know I'd never do anything like that, but the last thing I'd want to do is stur up memories of what happened to her... which is what happened the first time we had sex. I stopped and just held her all night (she initiated the sex). She even has nightmeres still.

    Basically, I want to give her what she wants without being disgusting and being like the scum that did that to her. I love her more than anything else in the world. Any help is appreciated, thank you for your time :)

    BTW, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, because all of my friends either know her, or aren't sexually active (or I don't respect their opinions). I've seen some insightful posts on here, and would love to hear from some of you guys and girls. Sensitive subject and all. Thanks again.
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Interesting situation and a hard one to be in. I almost want to suggest you asking her how she wants you to be more rough with her. Tell her you don't want to take things too far and make her uncomfortable, let her know you value her as a person and only want to be able to please her.
     
  3. goodwood

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    hey wowo -
    thanks for the post. this is a fine place to ask.
    first off i am very sorry to know your friend experienced that.
    secondly, i am happy you have each other to experience such
    closeness with in having sex together.
    so it seems you would like to be a bit more assertive or rough?
    and are unsure if she would enjoy that?
    do i understand correctly?
    i have dated women that have been sexually assaulted and this
    is something that i wasn't sure how to handle at first. but after time,
    and trust and communication, while we didn't speak often of it she would
    let me know when it was something she wanted - for me to be more aggressive.
    I never brought it up. I let her bring it up.
    the women i have been most in love with and have been the closest with have wanted the most intense sexual experiences with me.
    it's natural to want what you want.
    In the meantime treasure her, adore her, love her and enjoy her. keep us posted. pm me if you like.
     
  4. likesnewthings

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    that's tough man. i sympathize for your friend. she's lucky to have you help her through things, you seem genuinely cool. perhaps you can try a new thing that's more rough each time you have sex. i don't know exactly what you mean when you say that you take things slow. gentle neck biting and nipple pinching may be a good warm up, but perhaps you're already there with her. hard ass slapping is fairly playful in nature even though it would sting. i doubt that would remind of her anything bad. you may also want to straddle high on her chest and try fucking her mouth. she may enjoy that experience (it's very dominant for you). does she enjoy giving head? also, try having sex with her leaning back on the bed and you standing, and use hard, powerful thrusts at a slower pace. if she reacts favorably keep making the thrusts harder. be sure to make almost constant eye contact with her while doing this. this should reenforce the trust and intimacy you already share. i would definitely steer clear of anything that involves restraint. most women enjoy being pinned down by the wrists and fucked, but i don;t think this would be a good idea with her until she grows very comfortable with some other things first.
     
  5. Phil Ayesho

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    You can be forceful with out being aggressive.

    What she is essentially asking for is that she wants to FEEL your passion for her.
    She wants to feel you lose control a little and get lost in your desire for her.
    she wants to hear you breathing hard and making the sounds a man makes when he is in full sexual frenzy.

    That means some fairly forceful, deep plunging pounding, my friend- that means getting your heart rate up and making some sound...


    A big part of the allure in sex for women is feeling desired, and feeling that they have that effect on you.
    A wanton animal-like lust.

    Its part of the feedback loop that gets you both going, when you see that intense wanting in her eyes and she sees it in yours.

    You can do this without forcing her into positions, without speaking to her in disrepectul terms, and without anger.


    She doesn't want anger

    she wants to feel she lights a fire in you.
     
  6. kundalinikat

    kundalinikat Member

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    I too lost my virginity to someone whose earlier sexual experiences were often abusive, she had many other problems but this was one of them. She also liked to be screwed roughly, and I loved to oblige, though we ran into problems a couple times when I misread her. This is because we never bothered to talk that much about consent or expectations.

    It's very very good that you both consider the sex you've had to be both your loss of virginity in a way, i.e. that her experience with you is a first Good, Pleasant, Fun, Respectful experience even though she had earlier abuse.

    So you want to surprise and shock her (the point of being rough is to surprise or shock the body with sensation) without making her feel vulnerable or unsafe. All you have to do is separate your 'rough time', when you use all your force or strength or as much force as turns both of you on, from your normal time when you just want to make her feel good :) It's very easy, just talk about it with her. If she says "But I want to be surprised, just do it without warning" then tell her you can't *just* do that, you need a way to make it clear that you trust her (and she can trust you) underneath/behind the rough stuff.

    Two parts, a symbol and a safeword.

    A symbol such as a piece of clothing or something that one of you wears. Like you put a collar on her, or wear a bandana over your mouth, or you gag her, or a certain shirt, or a certain lingerie, etc. It doesn't need to be the same thing every time although in some cases (like a collar or lingerie) it's nice. Or, a certain set of names or words. My boyfriend and I start yelping "sir!" at each other, when we get dom/subby, like "ohhh fuck ssir!" It's cute :) The point is that this is something you do with your body or your voice, it's a clue that she's going to get screwed hard pretty soon, that means she EXPECTS something, though she might not know exactly what she's getting, it will be something shocking or rough. But it won't be an Unpleasant Surprise. And she has an opportunity to say "Hold on, not now, I'd rather just be loving and slow right now," she can refuse the gag or not call you 'daddy' or whatever, she has a few moments to choose the smooth stuff instead of the rough stuff. You just have to make sure that the symbol means what it means, that you don't pull out the symbol every single night, otherwise it won't mean anything.

    A safeword is very important. You choose a word or phrase, any word or phrase, something which is not sexy, something that is a non sequitur, that you would not possibly say when you're fucking. Like "watermelon" or "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". Also the word "safeword." Here's what the safeword does NOT mean: "No, Stop." That's because "No, Stop" already means "No, Stop"! If she wants to kinda-sorta feel vulnerable without feeling vulnerable, here's how... She says "No no no no no" and you keep screwing her silly, she has lots of orgasms because you're being rough with her. If something's gone wrong, like she's in real pain that she doesn't like, or the mood had gone very negative for her and she needs it to stop no matter what, then she says "watermelon supercalifragi safeword" and you both stop, and you immediately stop trying to get off on her vulnerability, and comfort her.

    The reason this works is that now the submissive person in this kinda arrangement (in this case, her) has a lot of control over how it happens. She can say "I don't want to be rough" early on. She can go along with the symbol and the submissive act a little bit or All The Way, this lets her experiment. She can say "No, stop", etc., and that gives YOU a chance to decide to be less rough or more rough, this lets you experiment. If you're being more rough (because she's, you know, asking for it ;) ) then she can still stop it if she really needs to, there is always an "out". So there's a lot of opportunity for each of you to speed it up, slow it down, and keep it emotionally safe.

    The other reason this works is that she always knows what kind of mood it is, whether you will be rough with her or Not. There should be no confusion over whether you just want to make her feel-good, or whether you're going to fuck the daylights out of her. (It's not just up to you, she can pull out the symbol too, and initiate her own special circumstances :) )
     
    #6 kundalinikat, Mar 1, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2009
  7. wowomglol

    wowomglol New Member

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    Think Kink,
    Thanks, that is what our conversation was like the last time we had sex.

    Good Wood,
    It's... reassuring (though a little unfortunate) to hear from someone else that's dealt with the same. Thanks, I appreciated hearing from you and might take you up on your PM offer.

    likesnewthings,
    About taking things slow... I guess I mean, I like a lot of foreplay. I'm not assertive with what I want so much as I try to gently guide her into things I like. I like giving a very soft touch as opposed to picking her up and kissing her against the wall (which she enjoys, lol)

    Ha, she does NOT enjoy giving head. She does some oral play as foreplay, but it's a fairly rare occasion for her to go all the way. I think I understand where you're going, though. I've done some of the things you've mentioned in the past and got some feedback, so I suppose I should keep that in mind.

    Phil Ayesho,
    Very insightful. The things you mentioned were things she mentioned she really liked from me. I might just be a little anxious about wanting to please her. Thanks :)

    kundalinikat,
    I'm familiar with the safeword concept, but hadn't thought of 'symbols' like a scarf or earrings I guess. That would be really helpful. Thanks for the post.
    Everyone, thank you for your replies
     
    #7 wowomglol, Mar 1, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2009
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