Being Shut Out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Dorian_Gray, Feb 16, 2008.

  1. Dorian_Gray

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    This is kind of hard to write because I can't really find the words to express what I feel right now. It's almost like an deep emptiness.
    I was told today that I needed to quit pushing people away, but in all honesty I really didn't know that I was until he pointed it out. Thats when this empty feeling hit me, and it hit me like a brick. I'm to a point in my life where I want someone to lean on, someone to be there. When we were talking today, he pointed out that everyone that tries to get to know me or tries to get close to me gets blocked by this "wall". He said that I never let anyone in. That I am sooo bottled up, and that I've been that way for a long time. Which now that he says it, some of it does sort of ring true now that I think about it. At this point I can't really say that I have but one true friend and we haven't spoken in years. I guess I can say that I have more "acquaintances" than friends. When I was younger I never was the one anyone wanted to talk to and it was that period that I became so "wrapped up" in my computer work that I thought I really didn't need anyone. I never had a "sweetheart" as my family would call it. I never invited friends over because honestly who would come?(and vice versa) When something would happen I'd deal with it my own way. When my grandmother died I dealt with that my own way with noone there. When this "person" a couple of weeks ago, that I finally got the confidence up to tell that I was bi snubbed me and said that I'm nothing more than a good fuck:mad:, I dealt with that. They all hurt, but I deal with them.
    I guess what it boils down to is that I think I need someone to confide in. Someone that I can talk to. Someone that will actually listen to me. And not someone that I have to pay to listen to me(psychiatrist). I want someone that will genuinely give a shit about what I'm feeling, about what I'm going through. I've never known anyone like that. As I sit here typing this, working on a new company web-site, and watching my tivo(like I do every night) I come to you guys humbly for help. What can I do? I have aspergers syn.. I've told Jason_els that before and I hate to lean on that excuse, but I just really don't understand this.
     
  2. davidjh7

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    Ultimately, you have to first believe that there are other people that WANT to be your friend---and I know there are, regardless of what you may believe. Once you get past the self esteem issues, it gets easier. Then it is a matter of being social--learning HOW to be social. Then, finding common threads to bind you to other people. Then, you have to be willing to risk getting hurt, and you will get hurt to a greater or lesser extent. But humans suck at being alone for too long--it makes us morose, and more than a bit insane. It's worth getting hurt to connect with others. You just have to try and keep from being too hurt, while allowing other people in your life. One thing to remember, if you want to get people interested in you, is to take a strong interest in them. it CAN WORK IF YOU WANT IT TOO! IT is mostly up to you to take risks, and try. The rest is simply slogging thorugh bad people to find good people, and that is luck. Good luck!
     
  3. reallyhot

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    Sounds tough!
    I can imagine it's difficult to open up to somebody and get snubbed...
    It's good to have friends.:smile:
    Especially when life throws you a curve ball.
    Perhaps start by enlightening us by telling us about "Asbergers",
    I've heard of it, but what's that like?
     
  4. D_Roland_D_Hay

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    I think you took the first step by posting on this site...you are aware that you have been pushing people away...now it is up to you to let them in. There are always going to be assholes, but there are some fine people out there wanting to share their worlds with you. You will be a richer person if you let people inside of your world. This is something I have learned myself during this last year....good luck to you!
     
  5. goodwood

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    HI XGX -
    Excellent post. Good job and thanks for sharing that.
    I am sorry the loss of your grandmother was so difficult for you and that you felt so alone in such a time of loss and grief.
    The putting up of walls as emotional protection is common, but the longer that one does this, the more isolated one becomes.
    It is a good thing that someone pointed out to you that you do this because you don't want to be isolated. You want and desire (as is human nature) to have healthy,trusting, respectuful, caring relationships with others. Perhaps you have hidden yourself away for so long that you might have trouble figuring out how to do that and with whom.
    I am very sorry that when you trusted enough to tell someone you were bi that you were snubbed. Hardly the reaction you were hoping for I am sure.
    I spent a lifetime carefully building and guarding the walls that would keep out what I most desired as far as relationships with other people go and pushed (some knowingly, others unwittingly and by habit) away people as a way of life so I can completely relate.
    First of all, you are clearly very good at what you do and have parlayed your interest in computers into a career. Great! You are valued and sought out and rewarded for being good at what you do. Most people are not so fortunate.
    Work aside, I will say that I am very happy you are realizing things that have made/allowed you to reach out and ask for advice and support.
    I am also vaguely familiar with Aspergers and would love to know more about it from your experience and how that has affected you.
    If you care to pm me, please feel free. I am very happy to listen and be supportive. Thanks again for sharing this and hope to hear from you.
     
  6. Dorian_Gray

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    Thats just the thing, I guess all these years my eyes have been closed to the fact that there are really other people who DO care. They're just so hard to find.

    Now this is just an excerpt but it speaks for itself...

    ""Individuals with AS can exhibit a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently. Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting". By definition, those with AS have a normal IQ and many individuals (although not all), exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naiveté, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, individuals with AS often have deficits in pragmatics and prosody. Vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.""

    What were your first steps?
     
  7. goodwood

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    Wow. Thanks XGX for the AS excerpt!
    A first step might be as davidjh said and know and understand and believe that there plenty of people who want to be your friend.
    And knowing that you have friends who have your best interests at heart and care about you is a great place to start. You are doing very well so keep up the good work and keep us posted. We are happy to be here for you.
     
  8. biguy2738

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    I'm going a bit off topic over here, but Goodwood, I am honoured to be your friend. Last night I posted that I was taking a break from this site - a lot on the go - and not too long ago, Goodwood emailed me asking me how away, is away because of this thread and what was shared within. He asked (understatement) me to log on and have a look at this thread because so much of what I had shared with him in our discussions echoes what you have written here today. He is right. Goodwood, your compassion is amazing and I thank you for privilege of knowing you and drawing me as close to my life as you do. Thank you!

    XGX, your sharing brings tears to my eyes and nothing would give me more happiness right now than to grab hold of you and give you a hug. I am sorry that you are carrying so much pain and loneliness within you right now. I have tears in my eyes because I can relate with your feelings and experiences because I have been there as well. I've experienced the hollow void, being snubbed for being bi and a whole lot of other things. I know how deeply it hurts and how it appears to be a bottomless pit with absolutely no way of getting out.

    I've shared about a lot of things on this site, my abuse and rejection of my father which also led me to push people away and retreat within myself. The walls were impenetrable to the extent that my mother was summoned to school on more than one occasion because of my unwillingness and inability to make friends. It's improved over the years, but up till a few months ago, in most instances I'd still keep people at arm's length until I knew, REALLY knew that I could trust them and that they cared about my wellbeing. There's a frustrating desperation to wanting so badly to be able to let someone in and to lean on them wholly but to be unable to get it right. I've come to see that the sense of desperation makes things worse.
    Up until about ten years ago, I also only had one true friend and everyone else were mere acquaintances who dealt with a thousand and one happy masks for fear that they'd see the tears trickling down my face.

    My experience when I first came out as being bi echoes your own. Bear in mind that this took place before I outed myself to my wife and some of my friends. I'd make friends with people on this site and local LGBT sites...some would be gay (though I'm not picking on them alone). As soon as they heard that I was bi, it was immediately expected that I'd "put out" and when I refused, I was attacked cruelly and heartlessly. I was told that I'm afraid of sex and that I am nothing more than a sexual misfit. I was stripped of all dignity from the way that I was belittled. I too dealt with it...but it wasn't easy to move on. Fact of the matter is that be the person gay, straight or bisexual, there are jerks out there just as there are some truly amazing people. I've been blessed to make friends with some gay guys (on here and elsewhere) who have more than made up for the abuse that I had initially experienced. My advice is that you chalk your own experience(s) as that of having to deal with a complete prat and move on. It is not a reflection of you.

    You may want to read my blog, after all it was my intention to share my journey for the sake of helping others in my shoes. I'm certain that you will find things that will resonate inside of you, which I hope will give you a sense that you are not alone and since this is the case, is not a reflection of you as a person.

    I am here for you buddy. Please know that you are welcome to draw upon my care, support and undivided attention should you ever feel as if you'd like to talk to someone. I'll PM you my email address so that you will know that I will receive your message as soon as I'm in front of my PC.

    I still wish that I could grab you and give you a hug!
     
  9. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    This post makes me sad. I hope you'll be ok, XGX. I don't have any suggestions except to say that sometimes things just open up for us in ways that we can't understand. I'm sending good vibes your way.
     
  10. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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    XG I'm really sorry to hear you feel like this, in so many ways i can relate to what you say. I to have had a few comments about "breaking through the wall". Its not easy trusting people

    All i can suggest is you really do need to make yourself get out and enjoy life. Take yourself places you wouldn't normal go and don't worry if you have to do it alone. We are made to feel unless you have 100's of friends you are a looser but i assure you there are many people in the same situation
     
  11. Dorian_Gray

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    Thanks for all the support guys! But like you said Lee_M, I have to get out and enjoy life, but I have to figure out how to enjoy it.
     
  12. davidjh7

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    This is the ultimate trick--to discover how to take joy out of life, when it seems like the world has so much wrong with it---but you can do it. Start with something small---find joy in a blue sky, a cloud, a smile. And that is something that really goes a long wat to meeting people--learn to smile! Not maniacally, of course, but just a friendly, open, welcoming smile. You will be surprised how many people will talk to you out of the blue, just from a friendly attitude. And you never know who you will meet at random. Try it as a first step. Good luck!
     
  13. Rugbypup

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    Hello XGX2007,

    Firstly, if you want to rub my tummy fur, I wont bite you, I promise.

    Secondly, the comments on your gallery are right, you are indeed a very attractive bloke, thank you for giving me a look... :)

    Thirdly, do you know to what degree you are AS?

    Fourthly, the whole sentiment of what you've posted... you are not alone. Many people feel exactly the same as you do. I know that's not much in the way of helping you but you shouldn't think there's the rest of the world and then just you, because it isnt like that, I promise.
     
  14. SpeedoMike

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    Sometimes a support group can be helpful as you are around people who have the support group's common interest, but are each individuals in their own right. At nearly 40 I visited and joined a gay mens support group which turned out to be an excellent experience. But, not all groups are created equally, I've been to other groups where I attended from one to four meetings and decided they weren't the groups for me.

    A bi-polar support group was another outstanding success for me. One thing was that I met others and became friends, at least enough to have lunch together or go to a movie.

    It takes some pushing, but look for places or occasions where there are others. Don't expect to walk in the door and make everyone in the room a friend. But as you meet others casually, one or two may stand out as people you would like to meet and get to know better.

    These groups can range from church groups to computer clubs to sports teams to ham radio. In California the Sierra Club is mentioned as a good place to meet people because there are so many "interest" groups (skiing, hiking, etc.) in the overall organization. I found a place volunteering for a national charity in my 20s and am still active. Met a lot of people and many became friends.

    A very smart friend once told me: "upset equals unfulfilled expectations". It's meaning to me was that I shouldn't create unreachable aspirations and expectations and then fall on my face when I couldn't succeed. A gross example is that I will meet a guy, fall in love, and be married by December 31st. What might be realistic is having lunch with a new friend at McDonalds.

    feel free to PM me...
     
  15. biguy2738

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    David's taken the words right out of my mouth. Unfortunately I was in a mad rush this morning as I had a family gathering to attend so I typed furiously and in the process I overlooked a point that I had meant to include in my post.

    I've learnt that life, difficult as it may be, also bears possibilities and we have so much to gain if we are willing to just keep the door open at all times. Only that can make a huge difference to our lives. If I am open to joy, then I am bound to eventually encounter it. If I am open to wonder and awe at even the smallest of things, my life will be filled with wonder and awe. Once you have that approach towards the small things in life that David mentioned in his post, then eventually you will find yourself opening yourself up to the bigger and more riskier things as well.

    My history left me with an overwhelming sense of fear when confronted with men and my retreating within myself meant that I didn't have the tools necessary to break through my walls and forge relationships of any kind with them. I'd almost go into stage fright when I was faced with men in a social gathering and would find the darkest corner of the room to hide in as soon as the opportunity presented itself to me. The thing that helped me the most was joining this site. Just being able to chat with guys via PM made it easier and easier to be able to interact with men and this soon touched my everyday life as well.

    Then I met a guy, fell for him, realised that I was bi and subsequently had my heart broken and I found myself veering towards my old approach to men. I started my blog, in the midst of it a man reached out a helping hand to me. He offered to interact with me on a 1-on-1 basis which I appreciated but I didn't know if I was able to do just that. However, he didn't back down and I also knew that I had nothing to lose so I opened the door of opportunity by corresponding with him. My defences were up. Much as he tried to reassure me that not all men are jerks, I continued to look at him with scepticism, but he didn't back down and kept right at it.

    It soon became all too obvious that I could trust him and slowly I found him breaking down the walls for me. He claimed me as his friend which took me aback because I knew that he was being sincere. There was a connection which grew deeper with time and soon we found that we had fallen for each other. I have grown to love him more and more with each passing day and today I am able to trust him with my health, my wealth and every other part of my life. Admittedly, there are times when I still falter and wonder if he REALLY does love me as much as he says, but I am able to admit it to him and I have never regretted being able to be this honest with him. It's because of him that I have been able to forge wonderful friendships with Goodwood and other members on this site as well as in other places. Today I find myself surrounded with more friends than I ever have before.

    The point that I am trying to make is sometimes it just takes being able to open up to one person, just one. And if it's with the right person, then things have a way of sorting themselves out on their own. Sometimes it doesn't take climbing Mount Everest or even raging thunder and lightning, sometimes all that it takes is being open to the fact that there ARE good people out there, people who care and are able to place high value on your head. All that you need to do is to believe that it is possible and allow yourself to be open to it becoming a reality in your life. After that, everything else will fall into place.

    I believe in you and the fact that you have what it takes to enjoy the wonderful reality of encountering love and friendship in your life. It doesn't have to happen today or tomorrow, all that it takes is for you to say, "I am able to have this in my life, I am valuable enough to dare claim this in my life and I am opening myself up to the possibility of this becoming a reality in my life".

    You don't have to be social butterfly, nor do you have to be perfect. You simply need to be yourself. You ARE enough!
     
  16. BiItalianBro

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    I feel for you XGX and really cant add much that has not already been said. I have lost three long term relationships over that damn "wall" you are talking about.
    All I can do buddy is give you a bear hug from cyberspace and if you want to talk/vent/bitch feel free to hit me ok?

    (((((((XGX2007)))))))))
     
  17. alex8.5

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    I don't think your antisocial, I think you may be shy and find social situations unsettling. Until I was about 28 I had no friends of real substance, just work friends, but when 4pm arrived, I became invisible to them. This happened because I let them treat me like I was invisible. Then I wrote my first book, and it allowed me to work from home. I became more of a recluse. I had fuck buddies, or picked up or got picked up for a night of fucking. That was my extent to socializing, I did not even go on my book tour.

    Then I met my BF, he dragged me out of the house, litterally forced me to meet people, and become friends with them. I found out I had a great sense of humour. Anyway I'm 46, and extrememly social, with an amazing group of friends ( both men and women) in various countries.

    You will get through this, but keep in my you at times get hurt in the process.
     
  18. reallyhot

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    Thanks XGX for clarifying what Asbergers is about.
    I'm glad that so many have taken the time to hear you and I hope that you feel you've been heard.
    Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to speak up and I applaud you for asking for what it is that you want and need.
    I encourage you to continue on your quest, and wish you well.
    I hope that you feel you have found some friends here.
    I for one am honored to be part of this process, and like others have said,
    we're here for you bud.:smile:
    I'm sure that as you move forward you will succeed.
    It's taking the first small steps that are the hardest.
    You've already done that.
    You've got a great new day to enjoy...go for it,
    and have a good one!
    Remember Hugs are Free!
    as are smiles, and waves...Have Fun!
     
  19. Dorian_Gray

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    Exactly. People use me for everything, because I let them walk all over me. I need to grow a spine and tell them no, but I'm just not a "no" type of person. I think thats a big part of what needs to happen in my life, right there.
     
  20. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Hey sweety, I've been facing the same thing for a few years now. I was the loner in school and rarely had friends over. I've now pushed all my friends away and live my life through a computer screen, I also have 6 pets that supplement what people are supposed to be to others. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder a year ago. They tried medicating me and then took me off, I'm now starting a round of the same drugs as I was a year ago.

    It's really something else for people to try and understand why I don't want people around, how I can't bond with people and how people never can really figure me out. It's something I think I've managed to grab a hold of pretty well... but I get really lonely at times.

    I'd like to chat with you, I think I understand where you are coming from. I have that listening personality you're seeking. I'll care about you be a shoulder for you to lean on. I've always been able to do so.
     
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