This is kind of hard to write because I can't really find the words to express what I feel right now. It's almost like an deep emptiness. I was told today that I needed to quit pushing people away, but in all honesty I really didn't know that I was until he pointed it out. Thats when this empty feeling hit me, and it hit me like a brick. I'm to a point in my life where I want someone to lean on, someone to be there. When we were talking today, he pointed out that everyone that tries to get to know me or tries to get close to me gets blocked by this "wall". He said that I never let anyone in. That I am sooo bottled up, and that I've been that way for a long time. Which now that he says it, some of it does sort of ring true now that I think about it. At this point I can't really say that I have but one true friend and we haven't spoken in years. I guess I can say that I have more "acquaintances" than friends. When I was younger I never was the one anyone wanted to talk to and it was that period that I became so "wrapped up" in my computer work that I thought I really didn't need anyone. I never had a "sweetheart" as my family would call it. I never invited friends over because honestly who would come?(and vice versa) When something would happen I'd deal with it my own way. When my grandmother died I dealt with that my own way with noone there. When this "person" a couple of weeks ago, that I finally got the confidence up to tell that I was bi snubbed me and said that I'm nothing more than a good fuck, I dealt with that. They all hurt, but I deal with them. I guess what it boils down to is that I think I need someone to confide in. Someone that I can talk to. Someone that will actually listen to me. And not someone that I have to pay to listen to me(psychiatrist). I want someone that will genuinely give a shit about what I'm feeling, about what I'm going through. I've never known anyone like that. As I sit here typing this, working on a new company web-site, and watching my tivo(like I do every night) I come to you guys humbly for help. What can I do? I have aspergers syn.. I've told Jason_els that before and I hate to lean on that excuse, but I just really don't understand this.