Being Shut Out

[B_Hung Jon]

Exactly. People use me for everything, because I let them walk all over me. I need to grow a spine and tell them no, but I'm just not a "no" type of person. I think thats a big part of what needs to happen in my life, right there.

Just my experience,XGX, but I think there's a way to say "no" to people without being a total dick about it. I usually just express my feelings about what's happening. I tell peeps when they've offended me or took me for granted. What I've found is that they start to respect you because you know your limits and your own mind. I also try to say negative things in a positive way so that no one's pissed.

 

[Dorian_Gray]

Thanks you guys! You all are just amazing You make me feel like smiling.

 

[davidjh7]

A smile is a great start!:smile:

 

[JustAsking]

.... Someone that will actually listen to me. And not someone that I have to pay to listen to me(psychiatrist). I want someone that will genuinely give a shit about what I'm feeling, about what I'm going through. I've never known anyone like that. As I sit here typing this, working on a new company web-site, and watching my tivo(like I do every night) I come to you guys humbly for help. What can I do? I have aspergers syn.. I've told Jason_els that before and I hate to lean on that excuse, but I just really don't understand this.

XGX,
I just came across your thread. This is a very eloquent and moving posting you made here. Naturally, this is total conjecture, but your allusiion to aspergers is probably pretty significant. I wouldn't dismiss it as simply an excuse. Everyone has some level of insecurity, and when we interact with someone new, we look for signs of affirmation and acceptance. When the other person doesn't exhibit that, we feel rejected and we often just go away.

My point is that perhaps your aspergers and your insecurity cause you to not give out those vibes that people look for as acceptance, so they quickly turn away, not realizing that they are misinterpreting your slightly off the beam signals. It is natural to take their respones as a rejection, just as it is natural for them to take your signals as a rejection. The irony is that neither signals are valid. In this case, everyone is responding to false and superficial signals.

The other thing is that your need to have someone who is there for you and really cares about you is only too natural, especially if you have not had many relationships at all like that. So don't think that is any sign of weakness, and do pursue that however you can.

But let me also say that you shouldn't dismiss the good work that a good counselor could do for you. The fact that they get paid doesn't change the fact that they would care about you in a professional way. And not to replace a good relationship, but their skills and techniques also have a lot of value compared to the well meaning but amateur attempts of a good friend trying to help you. Although you are a unique individual, most social problems we have, even the seemingly dehibilitating ones, are pretty routine to a good counselor.

I guess what I am saying is that you should seek out close and caring relationships and you should also seek out some professional help at the same time. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, and they will surely be complimentary.

Good luck, XG. I hope you find what you are looking for. Your writing is eloquent and it bespeaks of a kind and valuable person behind it. You deserve as much love and caring from someone as anyone else does.

 

[meatpackingbubba]

Signs and symptoms

Signs and symptoms of Asperger's syndrome include:

• Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject
• Displaying unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures
• Showing an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects, such as baseball statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes
• Appearing not to understand, empathize with, or be sensitive to others' feelings
• Having a hard time "reading" other people or understanding humor
• Speaking in a voice that is monotonous, rigid or unusually fast
• Moving clumsily, with poor coordination
• Having an odd posture or a rigid gait

********************************************
I concur with the other posters that suggest counting one's blessings as a good first step in living a happier life. I happen to be an optimistic upbeat person in spite of the many unpleasant realities of life. So, I tend to think life is good. But if you think in the negative, consider that as fucked up as things may seem, they could always get worse. That ought to cheer you up. Oh yeah...and focus on making other people happy rather than worrying about yourself. That is a sure fire way to make connections with the other warm bodies (a/k/a "humans") on the planet.

 

[Dorian_Gray]

XGX,
I just came across your thread. This is a very eloquent and moving posting you made here. Naturally, this is total conjecture, but your allusiion to aspergers is probably pretty significant. I wouldn't dismiss it as simply an excuse. Everyone has some level of insecurity, and when we interact with someone new, we look for signs of affirmation and acceptance. When the other person doesn't exhibit that, we feel rejected and we often just go away.

My point is that perhaps your aspergers and your insecurity cause you to not give out those vibes that people look for as acceptance, so they quickly turn away, not realizing that they are misinterpreting your slightly off the beam signals. It is natural to take their respones as a rejection, just as it is natural for them to take your signals as a rejection. The irony is that neither signals are valid. In this case, everyone is responding to false and superficial signals.

The other thing is that your need to have someone who is there for you and really cares about you is only too natural, especially if you have not had many relationships at all like that. So don't think that is any sign of weakness, and do pursue that however you can.

But let me also say that you shouldn't dismiss the good work that a good counselor could do for you. The fact that they get paid doesn't change the fact that they would care about you in a professional way. And not to replace a good relationship, but their skills and techniques also have a lot of value compared to the well meaning but amateur attempts of a good friend trying to help you. Although you are a unique individual, most social problems we have, even the seemingly dehibilitating ones, are pretty routine to a good counselor.

I guess what I am saying is that you should seek out close and caring relationships and you should also seek out some professional help at the same time. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, and they will surely be complimentary.

Good luck, XG. I hope you find what you are looking for. Your writing is eloquent and it bespeaks of a kind and valuable person behind it. You deserve as much love and caring from someone as anyone else does.

mmk, I made an appointment today.