Pendlum, I disagree with the assertion that the default option is " I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I do not deserve this person who I am with." Insecurity as a lifelong emotion and self-view is neither normal nor healthy.
If you start hanging out with your friends more than your partner, it's only natural for your partner to wonder and feel something. Especially since most relationships start off with them spending every second with each other and as that slows down people think that something is wrong.
I have and would never be with someone who wanted me to be with them every waking second. This, too, is not normal. All humans benefit from time alone and time away. To be with your thoughts, to be with friends (that may not share common interests with your partner/spouse, etc. And not all relationships start with two people spending every waking moment together, either. Just some things to consider.
As Clementine said: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
Also, not that this applies to me, you will probably be able to continue any self destructive behaviors you may, since MOST partners would try and stop you. So that wouldn't have anything to do with insecurities, and may be better for you. But it is your body (say for drinking or something).
I would hold that effective and responsive partners realize that any behavior exhibited is exhibited because it works for the person (even self-destructive ones). I don't abdicate alcoholism gambling, or addictions. That being said, you can not make someone do anything that they are unwilling to do.
And if you have to shame or guilt someone into compliance with external mandates, you have only reinforced the dark places that created your insecurities in the first place. My partner treats me with respect because he wants to and because I deserve it and expect it without question--not because I make him feel bad.
Me and The Squeeze make it a point to sleep together only if we want to, not because we're hitched. Same goes with long absences, up to a month at times. But I find when I'm not going to see him for several days I don't necessarily miss him, but I behave as if he were in the next room. Odd. Considering what a major whore I was during my 20's.
But Lex is wise, as usual.
You are too kind, big bear daddy! I always try to act as if Bubba (bigmanjon) is looking over my shoulder. There are no secrets as there is no need. If he has a question about something or someone, he asks and I answer. I flirt in front of him and he does the same. At the end of the evening, we are going home together, so what is the issue? I don't give out my cell number and neither does he. I am under no pretense that him being with me somehow renders him blind to other gorgeous men. Likewise with me.
Can it be all so simple then?