Being the Secret

[D_mingba079]

Background:

Me and the girl started out as best friends (my junior year in high school), about a year into our friendship we became boyfriend/girlfriend (my senior year) the relationship lasted about 8 months. When it ended it was do to her wanting to know what other guys are like (I was her first boyfriend) she said we would always be best buds even if she has a boyfriend.

A couple months later she gets a new boyfriend, she loses her virginity to him and so on. They last off and on for about a year and half, they broke up probably over 10 times. She cheated (actually had sex with another guy) on him a handful of times. When they finally called it quits it was very rough involving a lot of name calling and so on.

Where I am now:

For the most part of her relationship with the guy she continued to talk and hangout with me. We would go snowboarding, go to hockey games, dinner, she even asked me to one of her school dances and not her boyfriend(she's a year younger than me), and we made two weekend trips out of the state. It got to the point where me and her would see eachother more then him and her

Whenever she would talk to the guy and I was with her she would say she was with one of her friends, which I perfectly understood because he hates me and it would be bad for him to find out that me and her hangout. Well ever since they've actually been over we have been talking a lot more.

She never tells any of her friends that we talk and hangout, even the friends that we have in common. She has alot of friends that like me and several that dont, but she wont even tell the people who like me that we hangout. One time she was home from college and she brought a friend with her and we all hungout, along with another friend of ours. Alcohol was involved and our friend told her friend that we dated in high school. The friend asked my ex and she denied it, which kind of pissed me off. I couldn't really tell if she was just being funny and deny it or was being serious. I can totally understand her not being like "the guy we are going to hangout with I dated in high school" because it is not her business, but when you are confronted about it why lie about it?

Now to facebook, she recently began talking to the other ex on facebook. She leaves comments on my pictures and when she does she deletes the statement on her page saying that she commented on my page. She also never leaves comments on my page ever since she started talking to him. What she does do is send me messages or texts. Its almost as if she doesnt want him to see that we talk.

I am what you call her go-to-guy, when she has a problem, bad day, has a question, or is in trouble she calls me. When she was with the guy she even continued to call me and not him.

So here is my dillemma, does she just not want her friends that dont like me and her ex to find out that we talk? Or is she ashamed of me? Either way it sucks

 

[danimal32]

You are correct - this really does suck. This may be one of those situations where, even though it may be horribly awkward for both of you, you need to talk to her and find out what's all this denial about?

If she is unable to talk to you, I realize it may be very difficult and something that you don't want to do - but you may have to step away and just give things some time.

Maybe being away from her for a bit, might make her realize just how important a role you have played in her life.

 

[invisibleman]

So here is my dillemma, does she just not want her friends that dont like me and her ex to find out that we talk? Or is she ashamed of me? Either way it sucks

Maybe you should honestly tell her to leave you alone. There are women out there that aren't interested in you being a sexcret. Some women are happy being in the light with you, man. It is too much emotional stress being in a relationship like that.

Get with a few women that like you for who you are...and you have to do the same for her. There is nothing better than being with someone who you don't have to waltz around in the dark with all the time.

Tell your shady friend that she is no longer needed. And start brand new with another lady when you feel like it.

 

[UpwardCurve]

I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I think about a girl i had interactions with in the past even though the gf i have now is absolutely perfect for me.

This all stems from the human mind's bond with sentementalism. Sometimes you have to bypass this feeling and let go. If she left you to "try other guys" i think you should try other girls.

 

[D_mingba079]

This all stems from the human mind's bond with sentementalism. Sometimes you have to bypass this feeling and let go. If she left you to "try other guys" i think you should try other girls.

See thats the thing I have been with several girls (not relationships, but flings) since me and her have been together. So its not like I haven't tried, the common answer is always "find a new girl" but I have been with several girls. I just dont understand what her plan is with me or whatever you want to call it.

 

[BS76]

You are correct - this really does suck. This may be one of those situations where, even though it may be horribly awkward for both of you, you need to talk to her and find out what's all this denial about?

If she is unable to talk to you, I realize it may be very difficult and something that you don't want to do - but you may have to step away and just give things some time.

Maybe being away from her for a bit, might make her realize just how important a role you have played in her life.

She's turned you into a girlfriend. The pickup guys I know would call you an orbiter.

Orbiter | PUA Lingo

 

[B_HeartsAfire]

Maybe you should honestly tell her to leave you alone. There are women out there that aren't interested in you being a sexcret. Some women are happy being in the light with you, man. It is too much emotional stress being in a relationship like that.

Get with a few women that like you for who you are...and you have to do the same for her. There is nothing better than being with someone who you don't have to waltz around in the dark with all the time.

Tell your shady friend that she is no longer needed. And start brand new with another lady when you feel like it.

I agree. Get out and meet other women to date. Dump her, cut off all contact, and have nothing to do with her again. People like this are users and you are better off without them in your life at all.

 

[closetbi]

Screw that, she thinks you're her bitch dude, and she doesn't want to associate with you. My question is...why do you want to associate with her?

 

[sxjTheFirst]

So here is my dillemma, does she just not want her friends that dont like me and her ex to find out that we talk? Or is she ashamed of me? Either way it sucks
The dilemma shouldn't be what she wants but what YOU want.

 

[lickme69]

I think she is afraid to let anyone know about you becasue she does not want to be considered off the market

 

[Kayden96]

She's playing you for a chump.

 

[Incocknito]

I've been with several girls as well. And there was one girl, like the one you mention, who I thought "this is it".

I've never been treated so badly by anyone in my entire life. And I've been treated badly by quite a few people. But no one was as cold or manipulative as her.

They're nice when they want to talk to you, when it's on their terms but as soon as they have someone else to focus on, they pretend you don't exist.

I would ignore her for a while. Inevitably she will "come back" to you...then is the hard part where you have to gauge if she has really changed; if she really cares about you.

All I can say is, in my case, she "came back" several times...and right now she isn't here.

Don't be an "emotional tampon" or anything else that lowers your worth as a person. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and who wants to tell all her friends about you because you're so damn amazing.

 

[SpiceFromIndia]

She is just using for her emotional/good time purposes and does not give your recognition... it is as simple as this. You should try to hang out with different gal and mention it to her ..see how she reacts. You might want to tell her that since you are seeing this xyz gal, you would not have as much time as you used to, to hang out with her.. see how she reacts. Her feeling might change .... women are very complex and i used to hit my head why a woman does this or that and i could not find the reason. She might be taking your for granted. Its upto you to prove that she can not and you might get better attention form her. And if, you have feelings for her and you really want her and i think its very feasible because she relied on you since your highschool days, being un-available would an eye opener to her. I actually did have one gal that i have been friends with for a long time and she always talked to me that she liked this guy and that guy and would love to know him. And i started being un-available when she needed me for some bullshit reasons to discuss something. although it was not my intention but she lost her virginity to me.

 

[D_mingba079]

I've never been treated so badly by anyone in my entire life. And I've been treated badly by quite a few people. But no one was as cold or manipulative as her.

They're nice when they want to talk to you, when it's on their terms but as soon as they have someone else to focus on, they pretend you don't exist.

That kind of sounds like this situation. After we broke up she would love me some days and hate me others, and at times she would basically use me (needs to go the mall so she asks me because she knows I'll end up paying for something) and it was obvious to me and all my friends, but I basically did it so I could spend time with her.

Well ever since she went to college last fall she has changed her attitude with me. She used to be a total bi**h to me (after we broke up) and basically treated me like s**t, but now shes really sweet and acts how she acted when we were together. She offers to pay for things when we go to dinner and so on, something which she never did before. And its not like shes changed how she treats everyone because I have seen how she acts with some other people and its still the mean/bi**hy attitude. Once she got the boyfriend she wouldn't even want me to touch her hand or leg (in a friendly way) but now she gives me hugs when I drop her off. It is actions like that which confuse me.

 

[D_mingba079]

You should try to hang out with different gal and mention it to her ..see how she reacts. You might want to tell her that since you are seeing this xyz gal, you would not have as much time as you used to, to hang out with her.. see how she reacts. Her feeling might change .... women are very complex and i used to hit my head why a woman does this or that and i could not find the reason. She might be taking your for granted. Its upto you to prove that she can not and you might get better attention form her.

Thats a funny thing because when she was with her boyfriend when they first started out she would always ask if I was seeing someone when she knew I wasnt, almost as if she wanted to rub it in that she was with someone. But once they started going through there problems of on and off again she never ever asked about another girl, so it has probably been a good year and a half since she asked me about a girl. One time it was me, her and two of our friends and one of my friends basically wanted to see what her reaction was if he said something about a girl and me, it was something along the lines of "hey how are you and x?" I said a few statements and a couple minutes later she said she wanted to go home and that was it for the night.

Another time is I was visiting her at work and two of my friends (girls) who dont like her came in and were talking to me and she had a really upset/sad/jealous look on her face.

Even to this day I will ask how her and her current fling are and she will give the latest drama between the two and so on, but she will not ask how I and some girl are doing..

And if, you have feelings for her and you really want her and i think its very feasible because she relied on you since your highschool days, being un-available would an eye opener to her. I actually did have one gal that i have been friends with for a long time and she always talked to me that she liked this guy and that guy and would love to know him. And i started being un-available when she needed me for some bullshit reasons to discuss something. although it was not my intention but she lost her virginity to me.

That is a good point because I have always been there at a moments notice for her. If she needs a ride somewhere or to be picked up I'm there. She even told me that if for some reason she got arrested for something (hypothetically) that she would call me, which confuses me because why wouldnt you call the guy your seeing or your best friends? I've always told her she can call me for anything and she knows that. I just wonder if it means anything if you call your ex and not your current boyfriend in these type of situations.

 

[D_mingba079]

Another thing is that when it is just me and her together she always brings up random things about when we were together. How we went there, or did this, or do you remember this? Sometimes I truely dont remember what she is talking about and she kind of has a shocked look on her face. I always use to think that I was the one who remembered everything about us and she totally forgot everything but I guess I was wrong.

 

[SpiceFromIndia]

Thats a funny thing because when she was with her boyfriend when they first started out she would always ask if I was seeing someone when she knew I wasnt, almost as if she wanted to rub it in that she was with someone. But once they started going through there problems of on and off again she never ever asked about another girl, so it has probably been a good year and a half since she asked me about a girl. One time it was me, her and two of our friends and one of my friends basically wanted to see what her reaction was if he said something about a girl and me, it was something along the lines of "hey how are you and x?" I said a few statements and a couple minutes later she said she wanted to go home and that was it for the night.

Another time is I was visiting her at work and two of my friends (girls) who dont like her came in and were talking to me and she had a really upset/sad/jealous look on her face.

Even to this day I will ask how her and her current fling are and she will give the latest drama between the two and so on, but she will not ask how I and some girl are doing..




That is a good point because I have always been there at a moments notice for her. If she needs a ride somewhere or to be picked up I'm there. She even told me that if for some reason she got arrested for something (hypothetically) that she would call me, which confuses me because why wouldnt you call the guy your seeing or your best friends? I've always told her she can call me for anything and she knows that. I just wonder if it means anything if you call your ex and not your current boyfriend in these type of situations.

I think she is not kinda gal who always be with a always yes kinda person ..i read some places that gal likes assholes but you can be asshole to a certain extend ..lol ... starts saying no to her not too much though .... some gals are like you give them a lots of attention you lose your values .... i think its worth trying to be a no person for her ... see how it goes ...

 

[Brick7]

Ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this friendship?" It really seems to be one-sided and not in your favor. She doesn't want you to be known as someone in her life (or else she wouldn't try to hide your relationship with her) and she doesn't care about your personal life (she never asks about your love life, etc).
Perhaps you're her security blanket...a reminder of simpler, comforting times when things were less complicated and you were hers in a safe, non-sexual manner. And when things go bad in her life she returns to you, someone who obviously doesn't make any demands of her.
So what are you getting out of this relationship besides being used as a doormat? It's great that you want to be the stalwart friend who will stand by her through thick and thin, but c'mon, don't you deserve to be treated better than a pet dog? She has some serious issues if she refuses to acknowledge that you are have been and are currently a part of her life. She needs therapy, not an enabler. And you really should consider moving on and away from her so you can make room in your life for the woman who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

[closetbi]

She really does think very lowly of you...I wouldn't give her any respect...and that's halfway into the story. By now I'd probably want to see something bad happen to her.