Being with someone you don't love

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by AM_092, Apr 4, 2010.

  1. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

    Hi everyone :) Just wanna have a chat about having a relationship, where you can't seem to move from 'liking' them to 'loving' them.

    I've been together with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. We met over the internet and met up in person and became very fond of each other very quickly. We get a long really well, have never had a single argument and respect each other a lot. During the first few months, everything was very passionate, but because we both lead very busy lives, we only got to see each other once or twice a week.

    This kind of slowed our relationship down as I felt it stopped us from moving on/getting more and more serious. Now, after about 2-3 months, he had already told me he loved me. I however, didn't feel the same way, not even close (even though I do 'like' him a lot). Now after 5-6 months, I still don't love him. This is also my first serious relationship and I've never loved someone before.

    There just seems to be so many problems between us. Problems that he can't seem to see. Some problems include the fact that because we don't see each other often and even when we can find time to see each other, it's only a quick lunch and very 'routine' stuff like going to a nearby park to sit and talk and 'catch up'. He's fine with that, but I need more. We've tried going to dinner and stuff and putting more time aside for each other, but he doesn't put as much effort as I do.

    There was even a time when we didn't see each other for more than 2 weeks (mostly on his part, I put time aside for him). Because he lives with his mates and he's still in the closet, he doesn't like me calling him in case someone picks up. So, I always have to wait for him to call/text me. Because our gaps between seeing each other can go up to 10 days, I tell him to call me everyday, but he doesn't.

    Then, it was my birthday on Friday (few days ago). I had lunch with my family during the day and was waiting for him to pick me up for dinner (which was planned). He actually didn't call/text me all day to say happy birthday :( I waited all night for him and around 8, I decided to text him to see what going on. In his text, which he replied back one hour later (I was very upset by this stage), he said he had to finish some presentations for his course and needs to finish them in 2 days, so he couldn't see me that night.

    He didn't say happy birthday either. I was very upset because why didn't he have the courtesy to call/text me earlier. I was disappointed, and I could have made plans with my friends instead for waiting on him for hours. Today, he sent me a text (he didn't contact me since my birthday) asking: are you still mad?

    I texted back to him saying that I was just upset etc. blah blah blah. It seems like things aren't working out for us... etc. And I told him to call me.
    He didn't for 30 minutes, then I decided to call him. He didn't pick up, then he finally called me like an hour later.

    We spoke and he apologised and everything. I told him I wanted to end things, but he wanted us to work on it etc. And so that's where I am now. I know that we're worth fighting for, but I'm not sure if I want to fight. I'm too tired now. I've been so upset that it's affecting my university work!

    I can really see us being together for a long, long time, but he needs to pull his act together in order for us to last. The odd thing is, he wants this relationship to work more than I do. He loves me more than I love him, and he will be more heartbroken when we end than I will. Then I don't know why he does these sort of things to me. Also, he's a lot older than I am, so I expect him to be the more mature person in our relationship. I guess I shouldn't.

    Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Anyone here down about something in their relationship? Or have similar experiences? How did you cope? Did it work out? I'd love to hear some stories :)
     
  2. offside

    offside Well-Known Member

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    End it. He is constantly and knowingly putting you last on his list - he's just a control freak and in no mental position to have/maintain a relationship. That thing about not picking up (after 6 fcuking months!!!!) would be too much and forgetting your birthday also a major no no. Where exactly do you think you are in his life? Unfortunately it's time to put it down to experience and move on as hard as it might sound. Don't be suffering from the actions of fools, make your own happiness happen, because as far as this guy is concerned you'll never get it. Take care my friend
     
  3. dolfette

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    it's not complicated. just dump him.
     
  4. athleticguy

    athleticguy New Member

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    First off, I sympathise; I've been in exactly the same position to you, being in a pretty serious relationship with someone who isn't at the right stage in their life to put 100% into it. (That phone thing is so annoying, too. I hear you)

    I read your post and began to think what to tell you, and essentially this is advice I should follow myself. End things with him. Yea, you really like him, and you're probably thinking 'oh but if this/that' then things could work. But this guy is who he is, and right now the idea of coming out is probably horrifying him, he's probably scared to death that one of his hmates reads a sexy text you sent and he wouldn't know what to do if you both dined together in a nice resturaunt.

    It sounds like he just isn't able to get to that stage of self-acceptance that you're at. There's no need to argue with him, or be upset. Speak to him and calmly tell him that you need to be with someone without feeling compromised. You want to be proud of who you are, not negotiate it.

    I'll do the same :)

    Let us know how you get on!
     
  5. green carnation

    Verified Gold Member

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    i agree with what they say but the twist in all this is that you say you dont love him either! So what is the dilemma? Surely he is giving you an easy exit...i feel this is more complicated than you know.
    You say you respect each other?
    You wonder why things slowed down after you didnt return his declaration of love.
    What do you want?
     
  6. D_Helmer Heighballs

    D_Helmer Heighballs New Member

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  7. bearvwe

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    Life can be complicated - but only if you want to be. Move on. Onwards and upwards .....
     
  8. hotman911

    Verified Gold Member

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    Yup agree with the others End it. You even said at this stage you don't love him. Some people just are not what your ideal is. I tried a few times & really cant find the right one either. In time it will come until then I can wait. Good luck my friend it will get better for you I can feel it.
     
  9. invisibleman

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    I agree with everyone. I would go ahead and end it. Take some time to mourn the relationship. If a guy doesn't recognize your birthday...you definately need to break. It sounds like your guy has someone else on the side. Something isn't right.

    That guy would have driven me crazy. He would've been with his mates...and after the few unanswered texts...he would've been blocked. One-way communication is not good.
    There are men out there that will recognize your birthday...be accessible...and actually make you feel loved. Some men...you really won't need to make 17/16ths of love out of 2/16ths of love.

     
  10. green carnation

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    one more bit of tough love to you- after you dump him and before you in onto the next one ask yourself what made you feel this was a relationship in the first place. Ask why you were obsessed by someone who was not available and most importantly ask why you felt it an issue that someone you didnt love didnt love you back. Im afraid my friend that in your best interests the focus should not be on his actions but yours, to ensure your future happiness
     
  11. hunkydory

    hunkydory Member

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    End it - if you don't love him now it is not going to happen later and I agree with the guy who posted above me too.
     
  12. dolfette

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    this, to me at least, is one of those occasions where being ''in a relationship'' is more important than having an open, honest, caring, mutually respectful relationship with a person with whom you share love and affection. an error of youth.

    you don't love him, he's in the closet and denies you exist, you can't rely on him but you still think this relationship has a future. why?
     
  13. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

    Thanks for your advice, offside :)

    athleticguy: Thanks :) Yeah, I really don't know where we stand at the moment, or what he wants, even though he says wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Yet, most of his actions don't show me how much he loves me. He says he cares for me, but they're only words. We respect each other to an extent, in regards to respecting each other's beliefs and outlooks in life.

    joiboi12: Lol, yes it should be easier since I don't love him. But I do care for him very much and I don't want to hurt him. I don't think he realises how careless he is about me and our relationship. I do know what I want from him. I want us to see each other more often to give me the time to really 'love' him. But he doesn't allow me to.

    invisible man: why did you highlight some of the bits? I don't think he has someone on the side! I trust him on that issue.

    Thanks to everyone else who gave some advice. I spoke with him tonight and we talked a lot about our relationship. We are both busy, so we won't see each other for probably another 8-9 days (which will add up to about 2 weeks since I last saw him). He said he'll talk to me everyday over the phone. Until I see him again, I'll see where things go. I'll most likely end it when I see him in person. We've only been together for 6 months, so if things are this bad now, I can't imagine how it would go down if we stay together.
     
    #13 AM_092, Apr 4, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2010
  14. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

    joiboi12: I really don't know. I found that he fell in love with me too quickly and my insecurities doubted his honesty. And plus the other problems we have, I just haven't been able to love him back. I know what I want in a relationship and in an ideal partner. And personality-wise, he's really great. But it's just the little things that he doesn't notice and he's pretty careless to be frank. If personality was the only factor in this relationship, then I think we would be fine right now.

    I do feel conflicted, since I don't 'love' him, but I still don't want this relationship to end. It's way to complicated for me to explain. I don't think it's because I need someone to be with. If that was the case, then I would be happy already.

    And about my actions, I've put so much more effort into this relationship than he has (minus the love bit). But he doesn't find that a problem because he said he knows that I will eventually love him. He actually has no reason to break up with me. It's only me who wants to end things.

    Dolfette: A part of me still thinks this relationship will work because even though right now, I don't think we're necessarily in a good place, the passion we had a few months back and the people who we are tell me that we could be great in the future. Maybe I came into this relationship without the right mindset. He's an older man and this is my first relationship. I don't know.
     
  15. dolfette

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    first impressions, you strike me as a smart, likable and interesting guy. you're worth a hell of a lot more than being his dirty secret.

    are you 100% sure he's not married/taken?

    sexual passions are great but long term, they really don't mean much.
     
  16. DV8

    DV8
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    I just wanted to say that I fully understand what you're saying, and sweetheart, I hear you. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what do with your relationship, because I could give you some fucked up advice. Not only that, and I'm not saying that I don't believe you, but I'm only hearing your side of the story- I don't think it's fair to tell you that you need to break up with your boyfriend of 6 months, and I don't know the shit you've done, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to tell you to do that, sweetheart- I'm not.

    However, I will tell you that I think you should see where things go. You said it yourself, your relationship would last a long time. You even stated that you're just tired. You have to figure out how tired you are. What I mean by that is make a list of pro's and cons- everything he's done for you, and what he's done to you- and if the good out-weighs, the bad, then hold on- if not, cut him loose(I do believe it's fair to say that). You even said it yourself- you two rarely get to see one another because of your schedules- that's your doing too, sweetheart, I'm sorry to say that. It sucks, but it is what it is.

    You want to work it out- I already know you do, you just want to see if someone can give you a good enough reason not to. Because if you didn't, you'd just end it- you've already established that you're tired- why are you dragging your feet? You're smart enough to get into University, but not smart enough to make a logical decision about your relationship not working? No- I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case, God help you. You're smarter than that.

    So, you're going to get together with your boyfriend, let him know your issues, and ask him if he has any issues with you- write them all down, and both of you make an effort to improve the situation. If he loves you like he says he does, he'll fix the situation :)
    And I'm sorry about your birthday. I'll tell you that I have a shit load of friends. I'm popular and I know it, however, on my birthday- only 5 of my friends wished me a happy birthday, and my family of course. I cried and felt unloved. That's not the case, and I know and recognize that. Forgive him. We all shitty holidays/birthdays at some point.

    At least if you do what I'm telling you, you can't look back and wonder if you should have tried to work it out.

    Take care sweetheart and stay in touch,

    Dante'
     
  17. DV8

    DV8
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    I guess I did tell you- oops. My bad! Well, you know I'm right, so just do it!
     
  18. invisibleman

    Gold Member

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    I highlight things in peeps' posts for lots of reasons. To focus on the details of what people write. So when I draft a response...I can organize my thoughts.
     
  19. xrush_uncut

    xrush_uncut New Member

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    Serious lack of communication in this relationship. I would dump him but I wouldn't burn the bridge. Sound like he has more going on, and that you can't call him won't work. Dump him; remain casual. See other people and eventually you'll find love.
     
  20. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

    dolfette: No, I don't think he's taken or married :) But he's also into girls.

    Dante: Thanks for the advice!! :) I do think our pro's outweigh the con's. Sometimes I feel we're more like 'best friends' than 'boyfriends', even though we ARE 'boyfriends'.

    I think there's a number of reasons why we should stay together, but there's also a lot of reasons why we shouldn't. Our generation gap, his carelessness about our relationship, the fact that I still don't love him, we live an hour apart, we don't see each other enough, he's still in the closet, we're at totally different stages of our lives yet we want to meet in the middle.

    xrush_uncut: Thanks. If I don't break up with him, we might just have a separation period or something. See how we go without each other. I'll probably be fine :) I just feel bad because I never though I'd be the person to end a relationship.

    Have a lovely weekend and happy easter :)
     
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