Being with someone you don't love

[D_Ickybod_Krane]

Don't make someone your priority when you're only a second option to them...even if you're in a relationship. I would personally expect this sort of stuff to be out of the works by 6 months...this is the type of thing I'd usually see in the beginning or just dating stage of a relationship.

 

[Ethyl]

A part of me still thinks this relationship will work because even though right now, I don't think we're necessarily in a good place, the passion we had a few months back and the people who we are tell me that we could be great in the future. Maybe I came into this relationship without the right mindset. He's an older man and this is my first relationship. I don't know.

I learned this the hard way: never base a relationship on the other's potential unless you see they're actually doing the work towards that potential.

What he did before was classic passive-aggressive behaviour. You told him your feelings weren't as deep (at that time), he withdrew after revealing his feelings to you and essentially made you pay for his vulnerability by making you wait, not telling you happy birthday, etc. It's not the first time he's behaved in this manner. It won't be the last. If you really want this relationship you'll have to set firm boundaries with him. If he ignores them you'll have to decide whether or not you want to put up with it.

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

AM_092, you say he loves you but you don't love him.
I think all the facts contradict this.
To me, he seems actually indifferent, when push comes to shove.
For example, when he found that he couldn't do anything for your birthday, he could have called you to let you know and lessen any hurt you might have.
You say you don't love him, but from everything you've said, it sounds like you are much more concerned about the direction the relationship will take than he is.
(Maybe I'm referring more to need than love.)
It may be true that he more easily says the words "I love you."
But that doesn't mean he actually loves you.
Often actions speak louder than words.
Just my off-the-cuff take ... I could easily be wrong.

 

[helgaleena]

It was not fair of this guy to use the L word with you. Why? Because you are reading too much into it. He loves you only as much as he loves a well made meal or a great ski slope. The whole birthday thing was manipulative and meanspirited.

You might have a future together but not as a couple. He's always going to have girls and who knows how many others?

Don't tie yourself down to him so tightly. Not everyone's definition of the L word is the same, and yours and his are obviously not the same at all-- if he wasn't just saying it, that is. Just take him for a spin now and then. That can go on until you're both old and wrinkly.

 

[green carnation]

OK, I dont think anyone is helping the OP by being blinded by the smoke screen he has fanned. The issue here is not about this other person and this other person's actions. Who is he anyway? We cant help him/change him but we can help the OP to make more informed decisions in his future relationships (and maybe save people potential heartache in the process).
The title of this post says it all. The OP is wondering why he is with someone he does not love. NOT why he is with someone who doesn't love him (even though this is also the case-it is only relevant here by showing that there is no reason to advise the OP to try to eventually love this person).
To me it is quite a simple question that I would love to read people's comments on: Why does the OP want to be in a "relationship" with someone he doesn't love (and incidentally who doesn't really love him)?
As I have said before, the focus ought to be on the OP and not on this other anonymous person, we need to help the OP. Who cares about the other, he can get his own help.
AM_092 you too are blinded by being obssessed by the other's actions, or lack of actions. You cant change other people but you can analyse your own actions/feelings and adjust them accordingly.
Important bits in your Original Post highlighted. As I have also previously stated, what is the big deal? You are in a psuedo relationship (nothing at all as "serious" as you think) with someone who is treating you in a way you, and others, clearly think is unacceptable and you admit you dont even love him! It's a no brainer, unless you are...
I could fill in the gaps here with a lot of suppositions but I wont, my main point of hassling you is for you to fill in the gap so you can know yourself better and not go through life making the same mistakes again and again repeating the same pattern of wrong choices and then suddenly you find yourself approaching 40 and single after making a hash of things. (yes, this is where I am at and I just really wish somebody had given me this advice at your age, and that I had listened as it would have saved a lot of time. And also that many of the frogs I have kissed were not using me as part of their life experience process).
Please dont think I am being hard on you, I am asking you to be responsible for yourself and choose men that are firstly available and secondly choose them because you feel for them, not because you NEED them.

Hope this makes some sort of sense and that I'm not missing the point.:biggrin1:

Hi everyone Just wanna have a chat about having a relationship, where you can't seem to move from 'liking' them to 'loving' them.

I've been together with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. We met over the internet and met up in person and became very fond of each other very quickly. We get a long really well, have never had a single argument and respect each other a lot. During the first few months, everything was very passionate, but because we both lead very busy lives, we only got to see each other once or twice a week.

This kind of slowed our relationship down as I felt it stopped us from moving on/getting more and more serious. Now, after about 2-3 months, he had already told me he loved me. I however, didn't feel the same way, not even close (even though I do 'like' him a lot). Now after 5-6 months, I still don't love him. This is also my first serious relationship and I've never loved someone before.

There just seems to be so many problems between us. Problems that he can't seem to see. Some problems include the fact that because we don't see each other often and even when we can find time to see each other, it's only a quick lunch and very 'routine' stuff like going to a nearby park to sit and talk and 'catch up'. He's fine with that, but I need more. We've tried going to dinner and stuff and putting more time aside for each other, but he doesn't put as much effort as I do.

There was even a time when we didn't see each other for more than 2 weeks (mostly on his part, I put time aside for him). Because he lives with his mates and he's still in the closet, he doesn't like me calling him in case someone picks up. So, I always have to wait for him to call/text me. Because our gaps between seeing each other can go up to 10 days, I tell him to call me everyday, but he doesn't.

Then, it was my birthday on Friday (few days ago). I had lunch with my family during the day and was waiting for him to pick me up for dinner (which was planned). He actually didn't call/text me all day to say happy birthday I waited all night for him and around 8, I decided to text him to see what going on. In his text, which he replied back one hour later (I was very upset by this stage), he said he had to finish some presentations for his course and needs to finish them in 2 days, so he couldn't see me that night.

He didn't say happy birthday either. I was very upset because why didn't he have the courtesy to call/text me earlier. I was disappointed, and I could have made plans with my friends instead for waiting on him for hours. Today, he sent me a text (he didn't contact me since my birthday) asking: are you still mad?

I texted back to him saying that I was just upset etc. blah blah blah. It seems like things aren't working out for us... etc. And I told him to call me.
He didn't for 30 minutes, then I decided to call him. He didn't pick up, then he finally called me like an hour later.

We spoke and he apologised and everything. I told him I wanted to end things, but he wanted us to work on it etc. And so that's where I am now. I know that we're worth fighting for, but I'm not sure if I want to fight. I'm too tired now. I've been so upset that it's affecting my university work!

I can really see us being together for a long, long time, but he needs to pull his act together in order for us to last. The odd thing is, he wants this relationship to work more than I do. He loves me more than I love him, and he will be more heartbroken when we end than I will. Then I don't know why he does these sort of things to me. Also, he's a lot older than I am, so I expect him to be the more mature person in our relationship. I guess I shouldn't.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Anyone here down about something in their relationship? Or have similar experiences? How did you cope? Did it work out? I'd love to hear some stories

 

[helgaleena]

Yes, joiboi12. He is staying with someone he does not love because they had some hot sex at first. He does not need to stay just because they use that word, especially if they do not act very loving. But let us not judge him for wanting to stay. It's his first! But the games with his emotions by this older guy are not worth it for actual love.

 

[AM_092]

joiboi12: You said a lot of things that I found very true. I don't know why I'm still in this relationship when a) I don't love him and b) I question his love for me.

And as you suggested, this isn't a 'serious' relationship. I actually do think it's pretty serious, even though some of our actions could suggest otherwise. I did WANT us to be together for the long run, but probably not anymore.

No, I don't think you're missing my point. You're interpreting what I said as someone reading in from the outside

Helgaleena: It was more than hot sex! In fact, we've only had sex about 6 times. That might have been a problem (so busy!).

Because this is my first relationship and from the way things have turned out, I don't think I'll be looking forward to my next relationship.

We've been chatting on the phone, but it's all just routine stuff like how our days were. I just don't see how it's possibly for me to be unhappy about where we are, yet he seems so oblivious to our problems

Anyway, thanks everyone for the advice! I hope your love lives are going well!