Belated St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Principessa, Mar 18, 2009.

  1. Principessa

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    The Errand
    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
    each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
    When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
    the Irishman started to leave.
    "S'cuse me", said a customer,
    who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
    "what was that all about?"
    "Nothin', said the Irishman,
    "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
    ***********************************************
    Water to wine
    An Irish priest is driving down to New York
    and gets stopped for speeding.
    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
    and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says,
    "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    ***********************************************
    The Brothel
    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
    and watching the brothel across the street.
    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
    and one of them said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
    Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
    and the other Irishman said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
    are falling' victim to temptation."
    Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
    and one of the Irishmen said,
    "What a terrible pity...
    one of the girls must be quite ill."
    ***********************************************
    Lost at Sea
    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
    were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
    from a burning freighter.
    While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
    Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
    he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
    This particular genie, however,
    stated that he could only deliver one wish,
    not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought to the matter,
    Patrick blurted out,
    "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
    and immediately the entire sea turned into
    the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
    broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
    whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
    "Nice going Patrick!
    Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
    ***********************************************
    The Fall
    Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
    in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
    Struggling to his feet,
    he felt something wet running down his leg.
    "Please Lord," he implored,
    "let it be blood!!"
    ***********************************************
    (And saving the best for last...)
    You've Been Drinking Again
    An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
    The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
    So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
    He tried to stand one more time; same result.
    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
    and maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
    So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
    Again, he fell flat on his face.
    He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
    This time he managed to pull himself upright,
    but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
    as soon as his head hit the pillow.
    He was awakened the next morning
    to his wife standing over him, shouting,
    "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
    Putting on an innocent look,
    and intent on bluffing it out he said,
    "What makes you say that?"
    "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
     
  2. D_Sue Ellen Brastretcher

    D_Sue Ellen Brastretcher Account Disabled

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    :biggrin1: Thanks for sharing.
     
  3. nicenycdick

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    Hmmm...I'm wondering how our Irish members feel about these jokes. I know they were not meant maliciously ('cause that is not NJ's style), and we've all heard these kinds of jokes before. But it seems to me that people are gettin' all hot and bothered about these stereotypical jokes these days. I wonder how I'd feel about the same kind of Italian jokes today (I think I'd appreciate the humor...to a point) - or how NJ would feel about Black jokes of a few years back?

    Just wondering...
     
  4. fizzyjizz

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    Jesus Christ, lighten up. I'm Irish and thought they were fucking funny. Its true, we do enjoy a drink! Love you NJQT, long time no see.
     
  5. nicenycdick

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    Hey...I'm just wondering out loud, here. I am not trying to give NJ a hard time and I don't think my post should be interpreted that way. I was just asking a question. I come from a time when Don Rickles made jokes of every ethnic stereotype and nobody cared. I was just wondering if the rules have changed today, that's all.
     
    #5 nicenycdick, Mar 18, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2009
  6. Principessa

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    I see your point and the fact is the rules have and haven't changed. :redface: To me Don Rickles was never funny no matter whom he was speaking about. I'm not particularly fond of Carlos Mencia or other insult comics. I'm sorry if I offended you or others but it's not like I'm the first person ever to tell an Irish joke on this site. I thought it was seasonally appropriate. I guess I was wrong. :frown1:
     
  7. nicenycdick

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    Oh, NJ...don't take my post that way, please! I don't think you did anything inappropriate and it certainly didn't offend me! And judging from the only Irishman who responded, he thinks I was the jerk! So don't go second-guessing your thread. I really was just asking a question about humor in America these days.
     
  8. hud01

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    Lighten up Francis...They are funny
     
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