Best friend confused and I'm concerned for him

[gjk527]

I am coming here looking for advice on what to do (if anything) about my best friend who is apparently questioning his sexuality. Long story short, he has a girlfriend and yet is also going on craigslist searching for NSA sex with other men. I am new to this site and think it is a good resource for some intelligent advice.

So some more details: my best friend and I are roommate and live together in an apartment. We've known each other for a long time, and during this time I've always known him to be interested in relationships with females. Recently, however, I noticed that he leaves the house at odd hours during the night (between 2-4 am). I won't get into the details here, but I've learned that he is having "no strings attached" sex with males through craigslist. He hasn't told me this directly, but let's just say that he does a bad job of keeping secrets. While I am not one to judge, it just strikes me as pretty confusing (even to me) that he is going on CL soliciting sex from men while also being in a committed relationship with a girlfriend.

I realize that, at the end of the day, this is his private business and we are all entitled to our secrets. Plus, I know that coming to grips with his sexuality has to happen on his own terms. Nevertheless, he is my best friend and I care about him deeply, and I just feel very helpless. I want him to know that I support him and love during what I imagine must be a very difficult and confusing time for him.

Thanks

 

[dad4you]

Talk to him. if you are that good of friends, it will only help resolve your issues and help him with him having someone to talk to if he needs to.

 

[sykray]

Only you can judge whether or not you can discuss this with him or the best way of doing so - if you can. You have been doing the equivalent of looking through someone's diary - even if it is left out in full sight, to look is an invasion of privacy. If he is angry with you then accept that you may desrve it for invading his privacy.

If you can and do confront him with your "detective" work then concentrate on telling him how much you love, care and support him. Take it from there. If he wishes to talk then he will. If he tells you to butt out then do so.

You may decide that none of this is your business (which it isn't) and say nothing. It is then up to him to decide that a) he wishes to speak of it and b) feels safe in your relationship to discuss it with you.

You could, of course, go about it obliquely and discuss your own feelings about same sex interest, attraction or more generally your attitudes to gayness, bisexuality, sexual orientation doubts and confusions. You would do this in the hope that he may be encouraged by this to confide in you.

 

[Florida Boy]

You're overlooking something. He may not be confused at all. It doesn't seem like he's ever indicated that there was a problem.

 

[BJs4You IL]

just talk to him...if he's leaving that much evidence of what's going on, he may want to talk about it, or at least isn't expecting that it's the world's best kept secret.

 

[helgaleena]

Unless your best friend is actually you, I think you should stay out of this. Best friends are entitled to their own lives and if he wishes your advice, he knows where you live.

 

[MarkLondon]

No good ever comes of poking around in other people's secrets (or computers/phones).

For some men there's no contradiction in seeking relationships with women and NSA with men. He may be getting sexual relief while he's without it from the girlfriend. It's none of your business until he chooses to confide in you of his own free will. Which, if it is truely "no strings" he may well never do.

Sounds to me like he's not confused at all. He knows what he wants and he's getting it.

Pity you can't erase memories, isn't it? Next, you'll be agonising over whether to inform the gf. And that's potentially when all three relationships go down the can.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I'm more worried about the gf. Do you know if your friend is using protection with the people he is seeing? If not . . . I really think she needs to know about this - for that reason if no other (although it's not really your place to tell her). It's one thing for your friend to risk hurting her emotionally, it's entirely another if he is risking giving her an STD.