Best friend gay

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Leviathan, Jul 27, 2006.

  1. Leviathan

    Leviathan Member

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    Hey guys. I need a little advice, i think that my best friend is gay. It doesnt bother me at all, but i can see he is deeply troubled. Scared to admit it. I feel bad for him, having to pretend 24/7. Sometimes he gets comfortable and forgets his 'man act' but after a few minutes pretends like it was a joke. I just want him to be him,stop pretending. He has been nothing but a loyal friend to me,i can always count on him. I just want him to know that he can be himself around me and my girlfriend. He doesnt have to hide or pretend. He has our support. But how do i let him know that without letting him feel trapped or somethin??
    :confused:
    In advance thanks to all.
     
  2. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Ouch, thats a tough one - I take it that it's bleeding obvious to just about everyone that he's gay, and wont admit it?

    Hmmmm.... the safest course of action is to probe him about it, and try and get him to open up to you.

    Confrontation will probably leave a bad taste in his mouth, though it's the fastest way to get him to lay his cards of the table... or throw them at you and refuse to play, so to speak.

    The sneaky way of doing it is to get him drunk and try to get him to spill the beans then - but thats being an asshole really as you're taking advantage of the situation, not something a friend should do.


    I think it's best that you try and bring his confidence up, and show yourself as someone he can confide in, and try to get him to. That way, he gets it off his chest without feeling like he's had it beaten out of him.

    You do have to be prepared for the eventuality that he perhaps is not aware of his homosexuality, or perhaps he is just camp, and is infact strait, or simply doesnt want to talk about it. If that is the case, then you have to decide whether or not to let it play out, or confront him.

    As usual, the fastest method is the one with the most to gain and lose.
     
  3. mindseye

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    You could try telling him what you just told us.
     
  4. Lex

    Lex
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    The best way to support him to to tell him what you just said. If you are honest with him and show him that his orientation is not an issue for you, he will feel safe and comfortable confiding in you. Good luck.
     
  5. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    that is kind of tough, you might just bring up gay people in general sometime without it being directed towards him, and let him know that you are cool with people being gay for whatever reason, once he finds out that you are ok, he might come out to you, but whatever you do, don't force it out of him, let him take his time, when the time feels right for him, he will tell you, and then you can show him the best friend support that he will need, and be there for him, and let him know that you will still be his best friend, spend a little 1 to 1 time with him without your girlfriend, and hope your girlfriend is ok with you spending some time with him.

    good luck.
     
  6. elf

    elf New Member

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    I'd suggest you find a subtle way to let him know you aren't homophobic and, later, tell him something about yourself he didn't know. That way, you've opened the door to an exchange of confidences.

    There's always the possibility that he might be more comfortable coming out (assuming he is gay or bi, that is) to someone else first. If he gets on well with your girlfriend and if she'd be cool about it, maybe she could break the ice.

    In my experience, some people don't realise their sexuality even if people around them are aware of it. Your friend might be working through his feelings and may not be ready to admit to himself (or anyone else) what his desires might mean. In that case, just be his friend and be patient; he'll talk to you about it when he's ready to.

    Also, he's lucky to have an understanding straight friend like yourself.
     
  7. Dalt

    Dalt Member

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    How old is your friend? Depending on that, there are several angles to approach it, just as others have previously said. He might always deny it, but I think best friend hunches are usually right...at least it was in my case (a female friend said she knew for a long time, but she never brought up until I finally did). He might feel "safe" confiding in a trusting female friend, but by no means push him into anything, or he'll retreat far back in the closet and make himself miserable (been there/done that). Let him say what's comfortable when it is the right time.
     
  8. wilwarin

    wilwarin New Member

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    Are you absolutely sure that your friend is gay? Because it would be very embarassing if you confronted him about it and he really wasnt gay, and could spoil your friendship.:eek:

    If i were you i would get him when he is in a good mood and just tell him that you are his friend and that you will always be there for him and that if he ever has anything that he wants to talk about, then you will be there for him! just ask him if there is anything that he wants to talk about, and provided that your message has got through about being there for him, then id be surprised if he doesnt open up to you (if he is gay) but just give it time he may not be ready to tell you.

    Don't however do it like my brother did! When i was seventeen, my brother was girl daft, and constantly talked about all the girls he had a crush on at the time. He noticed that i never mentioned girls at all and had started to put two and two together. While having a bit of a heart to heart with him he decided to confront me about why i never told him which girl i fancied, he put me in a position that i had to tell him. 'You never talk about girls at all why? ....are you a paedophile or something?' :eek: of course after a question like that i had no option but to admit that I was not infact a paedophile, but that the reason i didnt talk about fancying girls was because i was too busy fancying boys! To this day my brother says he cant remember asking me like that but we laugh about it now.:biggrin1:

    So my advice dont be that tactless with your mate!:smile: just be patient with him, if he is gay then if you are a great, supportive friend then he will tell you when he's ready.
     
  9. xcel

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    Often gay people go through various stages of coming to terms with their sexuality. He may be unaware that he is gay, or has admitted his feelings to himself, but is not ready to come out to anyone yet.

    Just let him know how much you value his friendship, and he will be more likely to open up to you when the time comes.
     
  10. mindseye

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    Not as tough as coming out is. How can you seriously tell your friend to 'be honest' when you're too chickenshit to be honest yourself?

    Holding back, getting drunk, and other ways of avoiding deep connection are definitely not the way to handle this.
     
  11. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    I know people are usually dreadfully curious about sexual orientation, but since it is usually a small part of the whole I wouldn't get excitable with your friend.

    If you know him well and are openminded, put on some porn sometime when he comes over and casually start a mutual jerk off. That should bring out some discussion. You could say something like, I care about you and don't mind having a j/o buddy anyway. (I know this may be impossible or inadvisable depending on your significant other situation.)

    Invite some other compatible cute gay guys over for dinner or a night of cards or something. That should bring out some discussion.

    I personally know people who have been suicidal over this, especially if they come from inhibiting backgrounds--they may not know what they are--all they know is they are made to feel that it would be the end of the world if they were gay.

    Anything is better than feeling terrible or depressed. It's normal for people to couple up. Maybe he doesn't know how to do this or what it would mean, especially if he is young. (Or even if he's old--Forty Year Old Virgin was kind of an eye opener.) Maybe someone could help him get a boyfriend and see if he likes it.
     
  12. GoneA

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    BEATEN TO ANOTHER POST AGAIN!!!! (4th time this week)

    Damn you Mindseye!

    But seriously, I agree (which isn't surprising considering the source). I'm certain your friend, when looking back on this, will thank you - for everything.
     
  13. CUBE

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    Good advice and good for you for standing by your buddy
     
  14. MH07

    MH07 Member

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    This is the best advice. I fought against my own feelings for years, hated myself, etc etc. (Very religious background).

    When I finally opened up to my two best friends (separately)(both straight as boards), each one of them said, "Well, I'm glad you finally came to your senses; I thought you'd NEVER figure it out!" One of them told me he was a bit pissed that we'd been friends all those years and I didn't feel our friendship was strong enough to withstand that (to him) insignificant bit of news.

    Just be his friend. Nothing else required. When the time is right, he'll tell you.
     
  15. Leviathan

    Leviathan Member

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    I would like to thank everyone for helping out,means alot to me (needed a little reassurance about how to handle the situation). We both turn 21 soon, we have been best friends since we were 14. Problem with him is his pride. I have tried many things incl. giving it time (many years) and talking about gay people,and one of our friends recently came out of the closet. I told him what my thoughts were about that,how i respect him and admire how brave he was and would never turn my back on him because of that. And he just agreed with out even thinking of opening up. Many of you guys said maybe he isnt gay,possible. BUT when he is drunk he wants to dance with me, kissed me twice (on seperate occasions) and keeps telling me "love u man". Almost every time he talks to me. That is just to mention a few. As I said his pride,i think he is on the edge of admitting it to himself,but then to hide it until the day he dies. I want to help him get through this as easily as possible, i cant imagine how difficult it is. And he is very religous,which makes even more difficult. I know there are many of his "friends" that will throw him aside. I can see that he is deeply troubled by it. Im gonna go talk to him and see, like you guys said, share some secrets and see if he comes out with it. Sorry for such a long post, and thank you all for the advice.
     
  16. Jayroo

    Jayroo New Member

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    Here's a different thought...

    We all know sexuality, desire and orientation are very hard to define or pin down. Have you given thought to the fact that he might identify as straight, like having straight sex, want to be with women and all but....

    Still be in love with you?
    It opens up a whole new set of ideas and things to explore.
     
  17. mdshorts

    mdshorts New Member

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    It sounds like you're doing the best thing you can - being there as a friend, for your friend. I remember back when I was first thinking of coming out of the closet; all I wanted was the same friendship wiht people I'd had for years. *IF* he's in the closet, he'll come out when he's ready, and pushing the issue might make him uncomfortable - even though I recognize you just want your friend to relax and stop feeling so conflicted...

    So just be his friend. If he's in the closet, he just needs a friend. He'll do what's right for him, when it's right for him.

    Best of luck to you both!
     
  18. Countryguy63

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    Just wish that I had a friend that was as understanding and supportive as you when I was younger. But then again, maybe I did and they just never let me know. Hmmm.

    I hope that if you're right, he feels comfortable enough to confide in you. Sounds like it would help him out immensly.
     
  19. sares

    sares New Member

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    buy the musical Avenue Q

    play him this song

     
  20. jeffersojones9

    jeffersojones9 New Member

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    How about drinking a few beers then going down on him. Once he see how good you are at it he'll be more confident in his gay skills
     
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