Best Friend (nonsexual but please post)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ocolus8109, May 30, 2010.

  1. ocolus8109

    ocolus8109 Member

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    Alright, so strangely, I have a nonsexual relationship question but I hope that people will still state their opinions. Heres the situation- over the past couple years, I've become best friends with a coworker whose girlfriend lived in another city. I am also good friends with his girlfriend from back in high school. Recently, she moved back home, and the friendship with my best friend has become strained. The three of us still hang out regularly and double date occasionally, but my best friend has been canceling plans and changing times to spend time with his girlfriend, acting like a different person around her, and our friendship just seems overall different than it did before.

    I feel like I'm losing my best friend and becoming less of a priority now that his girlfriend is living here, even though our friendship is still really important to me. The two of us have always been very open with each other as far as talking about relationships and sex but I dont feel comfortable talking to him about the state of our friendship.

    How should I deal with this? Thanks :redface:
     
  2. Tense0000

    Tense0000 Active Member

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    I have been in the exact situation and I spoke ONLY to him directly and told him how I felt. He reassured me that I would not lose him and though he does have to spend time with her, we have a guys time three times a month. Only him and I. I like talking personal things like sex, problems, etc with him and I have his full attention. Yes, its not how it was before but I had to understand that he is in a relationship.
    Don't get me wrong, it took a while for me to adjust .....shit...I am still adjusting , but I understood better when I spoke to him and got it out in the open.
    If he loves you as a friend and values you, he will understand how you feel as well as YOU also need to understand his view. Hope it helps.
     
  3. alx

    alx
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    That's life, don't me to be harsh but your mate is just thinking about his gf, after a while the novelty might wear of for him and you'll see him regularly again.

    Tbh the best I think you can hope for is maybe seeing him 4-5 times a year from now on.

    I had a good mate, saw him every week. Now he's living with his gf it's moreliene 4-5 times a year now.
     
  4. lopo2000

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    The same happened to me, but I think it's the reality that it's always different when our friends, regardless of their "best" status, are taken... I can say this phenomenon holds true for almost all of my friends. No matter how "best" he is to me, when he's in a relationship, he'd distance away...
     
  5. Tense0000

    Tense0000 Active Member

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    I agree. I still make the effort though. Call me stupid, but I care about the fucker.
     
  6. D_Sir Fitzwilly Wankheimer III

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    don't handle it, accept it. his girl will always come first.
     
  7. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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    Take a step back and realise his priorities are different now.Anybody who is a true friend would realise that the guy is probably in 7th heaven that he has got his gf living alot closer and making the most of it.

    It is obvious that he is going to want to spend more time with her than he previously did when she lived further away.

    He'll be there when he needs his 'me time' and if you care anything about him you will be really happy for him to call you up when he is ready....and also be very happy for him now that his gf is living at home.

    Something quite similiar happened to me and i was so happy for him to have his gf around alot more....he rang me less/came round to see me/hung out less than previously but i'm the same tbh.
     
  8. ocolus8109

    ocolus8109 Member

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    Thanks for the posts guys. It's hard to go from hanging out almost every day to this but you're right, we both just need to take a step back and let it go from there. I think the reason it gets to me is that he is so much happier when she isn't around, but would do anything to keep her.

    We're both just at different points right now, I'm not ready to be tied down and he is. I know we're going to stay close it's just really weird adjusting to this and not being able to talk to the person I would usually talk to about this kind of thing. Thanks again!
     
  9. alx

    alx
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    Yep this is life, Im only 20 but Ive had really good mates that I no longer see.
    You'll have another 'best' friend soon enough. Tbh I don't know what I would do without my bestfriend at this stage in my life but it won't always be that way.
     
  10. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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    He might not see it as being 'tied down' ....as that sounds as if it is a negative thing which being happily settled with somebody is just the opposite

    A best friend will always remain that way......well if they are a true friend they will.There isnt a rule to say that best friends have to see/speak to eachother ever day or even every week but are always there through thick and thin.
     
  11. SpeedoMike

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    as friends get a serious GF or get married, the relationship usually changes. for one thing, the new couple wants to socialize with other couples.

    try lunch get togethers or something similar which does not take the guy away from her. and anticipate the (non-sexual) intimacy of your friendship to dwindle away.
     
  12. free2jump4u

    free2jump4u Member

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    This has happened to me more than once. My best friend and I share this very strong bond, then when a girlfriend comes into the picture, I sort try to hang on, but I just end up stressing myself out and my best friend.

    Here is what I have learned from life: true heart-felt friendships will be very strong, then they will seemingly be very weak, then as the years go by they will be strong again. Like waves. If you just let go, your best friend will do something that will touch your heart. That is a nice pay off. You will remember why you love that big lug.

    Enjoy that moment when it comes. In the mean time, try to do some of the stuff you had been neglecting. Going out to drink a beer with your other friends, cleaning your room, organizing your stuff, STUDYING!, jerking off, have some sex (maybe you are a little down and not too in the mood), or just go visit your folks ... they deserve some "you time" too.

    Chin up, old boy! Please contact me and let me know how it goes. I wouldn't mind hearing more from you.

    Later.
     
  13. sdbg

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    We're never too old for it to happen. My straight friends do it all the time. We're really tight, hang out, go for bike rides, and then they get tied up with a lady and I don't see or hear from them. After decades of this happening, I'm used to it. Can't say that I like being dumped by friends of 20 plus years, but that's the way it is. Then months later, they break up and "find" me again. I'm independent, yet like having friends, too. I just roll with the flow and make the most out of every day.
     
  14. blkbro510

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    Bro-mance! Got to love it. Women come in ruin everything.

    I sugguest that you give them space and instead of just hanging out with your friend include the girlfriend, because she maybe the wife and that could mean you won't ever see him again except for 10 or 20 years later!!!!!!!










     
  15. B_R_I_E_F

    B_R_I_E_F Member

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    Ocolous8109: What you are feeling totally sucks. As the other posts mention, it' happens to the best of us.

    That feeling of distancing, is partly instinct on his part. He likes you and thinks you are a great guy, but now that his girl is back there is a risk that she'll discover how great you are too and may prefer to get with you. Not saying you'd ever cross that line, but she might and just keeping you away helps his insecurities. He still enjoys your company, and believe me, the moment she gets out of town he'll be calling you acting like he hit the "pause" button on the remote and is ready to be best buds again.

    Try to look at it this way, you are free to do what ever you want now. Go for a trip, send him the postcard. Stay in touch. Keep the lines of communication open, because someday you'll need a best man at your wedding and he'll be there for you.

    Without being the voice of gloom, his life will never be the same once he has kids. He'll call you and you two will talk about the transition into fatherhood. Changing diapers becomes a topic of conversation and unless you have one of your own...it's difficult to relate.
     
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