Best friend screwed up bad - to tell or not to tell girlfriend

D_Rosalind Mussell

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While it is a private matter, the matter doesn't belong solely to the potentially pregnant woman in question. They both had unprotected sex, they both have a stake in the outcome of whatever the testing finds.
once he knows that there is an issue, once he find outs how Possibly-Preggers *well, now Actually-Preggers" wants to handle the pregnancy..

like say she is.. and she aborts.. doesn't she have the right to make the choice without some random stranger * a stranger maybe packing some less than charitable opinion of PP/AP* knowing her business?

instead of folks putting themselves in the shoes of Girlfriend, maybe they should try to stand in PP/AP's shoes. she might be knocked up, from a one night stand... kinda sucks.



I agree with you, PP/AP has a right to decide for herself privately, without question. I do feel, however, that through reaching out to him she opened the door to his involvement. She didn't do this alone and may want him to accept responsibility. Otherwise, what would be the reason for reaching out to him?

Personally, I wouldn't have said anything until I knew for sure, though. A potential pregnancy does not a situation make. As it is, the guy does know and if it were me I would tell the g/f. I base my relationships on borderline brutal honesty so I might even be the wrong person to answer this question.


If I was the girlfriend I'd want to know. Such a revelation doesn't mean a breakup, but it's a potentially life-altering situation and she has a right to know what's going on. If the tables were turned we'd be reading different reactions in this thread.

not really.. if a woman posted that she was pissed she just found out that her man-o-awesome had possibly impregnated a woman prior to their relationship... my response would be pretty much the same.

until she says "i'm having the kid, he's yours" to her man, is really none of her business.


When I spoke of table turning I meant that if the OP was a woman and her friend the AP/PP. I suspect a feminist roasting would take place.


since Girlfriend/Hypothetical Female Poster didn't think to inquire of her partners sexual/relationship history.. she's kinda shit out of luck. i'd tell her to learn a valuable lesson.


I wholeheartedly agree on this one. If she's having unprotected sex with him and never had a pre condom-shedding chat then it's on her.

eta: post-ponder... i would probably be harsher on a woman with the same/reverse issue. she should be able to empathize/sympathy for another woman.

I think everyone would. A lot of women would be harsh for similar reasons along with a shitload of feminist roasting from some of the male counterparts. It would be a far different thread.

even if PP/AP posted here, i'd tell her to keep her mouth shut until she a. knew she was pregnant. 2. knew what she wanted to do.

This is exactly what I would have done. Smoke =/= fire. If I didn't want the man involved I wouldn't call him. As it is, the cat's out of the bag and it can't be undone.
 

dolfette

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So you have no problem screwing someone without a condom, not getting tested afterwards, and then not telling your next sexual partner?
that's a conversation they should have had at the start. if he and his new gf always use rubbers then it's less of an issue.
 

Stephenmass

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if she's preggers. if she continues the pregnancy. if the kid is his. how he'll be in the kid's life... too many unknowns to break open a possible bucket of suffering.

unless he wants some support/guidance from his girlie... keep mum until he's got more information/answers.

friend and his girlie have only been going out less than two months, right?
is not like they are long term or insanely serious.

eta: randomly, to the "if she was easy with you.." dudes.. fuck you. best friend is throwing around as much dick as he humanly can... no shame thrown his way. double fucking standards suck.

Hey Mickey,

That was my quote and if you read the entire thread instead of picking out convenient words to throw back at me you would have read NOT TO BLAME HER AT ALL. Men are just as easy, just as "whatever" as women and I did not apply a double standard at all. You applied it yourself; really, not my problem.
 

MickeyLee

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I agree with you, PP/AP has a right to decide for herself privately, without question. I do feel, however, that through reaching out to him she opened the door to his involvement. She didn't do this alone and may want him to accept responsibility. Otherwise, what would be the reason for reaching out to him?

putting me in PP/AP's shoes? *pondering* freak out.. i'd thinking "i know i am missing something.." check the calender.. go sheet white. double check dates... followed by a litany of profanity.

i'd call him to double check the date "did we.. ya know.. last thursday or the wednesday before... oh, okay.. *more profanity*... dude, this sucks"

maybe she wanted someone to go with her to get tested.. and seeing how she might not want to haul friend/family with her.. the possible co-parent seems a logical person to freak out with.


Personally, I wouldn't have said anything until I knew for sure, though. A potential pregnancy does not a situation make. As it is, the guy does know and if it were me I would tell the g/f. I base my relationships on borderline brutal honesty so I might even be the wrong person to answer this question.


i'm a bit wonky as a human being, brutal honesty is my default.

just to me.. telling now seems like trying to cover his ass later. is one of those truths told to make self feel better, not another person *not sure that makes sense to anyone but me :redface:*


When I spoke of table turning I meant that if the OP was a woman and her friend the AP/PP. I suspect a feminist roasting would take place.

roasting by feminist or roasting of feminists?



I wholeheartedly agree on this one. If she's having unprotected sex with him and never had a pre condom-shedding chat then it's on her.

life would be easier if ya got a new set of junk for every partner
*j/k*

I think everyone would. A lot of women would be harsh for similar reasons along with a shitload of feminist roasting from some of the male counterparts. It would be a far different thread.



even if PP/AP posted here, i'd tell her to keep her mouth shut until she a. knew she was pregnant. 2. knew what she wanted to do.

This is exactly what I would have done. Smoke =/= fire. If I didn't want the man involved I wouldn't call him. As it is, the cat's out of the bag and it can't be undone.


*rolls through brain* hmmm maybe it's more like Schodinger's Cat.
we are aware that the cat is in the bag. we just don't know if the cat if pregnant or not :biggrin::tongue:


my inner aspie says: is really not all that hard to get a cat back into a bag. :confused:

randomly.. we was seasonal festive the first time around. new answers in blue. very patriotic, no?
 

MickeyLee

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Hey Mickey,

That was my quote and if you read the entire thread instead of picking out convenient words to throw back at me you would have read NOT TO BLAME HER AT ALL. Men are just as easy, just as "whatever" as women and I did not apply a double standard at all. You applied it yourself; really, not my problem.

my bad.. i should have quoted each dude.. instead of using your phrasing singled out to represent that "how do you know it's yours" contingent.

ya do know that "truly not to blame her" is kinda like "with all due respect" ? a hollow qualifier if blame/disrespect follows.

you did in fact imply that if she had sex with one dude.. she might/probably is having sex with many/other dudes.. when, going by the story we got from OP Dude... Friendly McPantsoff seems to be the only person engaging in verified bed hoping.

eta: you weren't blamey. you were judgey.
 
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Stephenmass

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Nothing worse than somebody putting words in the mouths of other posters or assuming that they read right or however you read it. Sorry, perhaps it should have said both of them were easy for one night; then again while I agree with you that both of them were easy, guys do not get pregnant, women do. So you don't misread that statement or get offended over something I did not say, it seems to me you are the one being judgemental. The simple fact remains that it is possible that (trying to word this so you don't misread it like you already did or assume or read into my words and saying I am "judgey") she sleeps around probably as much as he does. So my original post stands as far as I am concerned. Make sure she is pregnant, but more importantly, shall I say "if" not to offend you, IF she is sleeping around, the baby may not be his. That doesn't take away his responsibility either if, in fact, the baby is his. Maybe it's you being "touchy"?
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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possible that (trying to word this so you don't misread it like you already did or assume or read into my words and saying I am "judgey") she sleeps around probably as much as he does. So my original post stands as far as I am concerned. Make sure she is pregnant, but more importantly, shall I say "if" not to offend you, IF she is sleeping around, the baby may not be his. That doesn't take away his responsibility either if, in fact, the baby is his. Maybe it's you being "touchy"?



So? It's possible she collects ancient Chinese Jade carvings, it's possible she owns a cat, it's possible she lives in a Houseboat.


You presumed it was possible she was a ho-bag just because she had sex one time with one guy, and that's in fact all we know about her.

You can try the pretence that your words have been overreacted to, you can attempt to turn tables, you can tone-police all you like, you made a sexist misogynist judgement about a woman you don't know based on your own personal prejudices and no reasonable evidence whatsoever.


Give the whole passive aggressive bullshit a miss too, it just makes you look like you have a guilty conscience.
 

Stephenmass

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It's possible she is a ho bag too. Who knows what the f she is? Who cares? All I give a flying fuck about is that the guy (the OP, remember him?) makes sure of two things. One that she is pregnant. Two that the baby is his.

I know plenty of ho bags in my own culture as do you Hilaire. Both of you are truly reading between the lines because you both think you are "good at it". Trust me, both of you couldn't be further off base.

If I wanted to call her a douchebag or whatever, I'd have called her a douchebag. I am never at a loss for words.

Guilty conscience? For what? I still stand by my original post however you two want to read it.

And the passive aggressive thing you talk about....didn't know you could make that kind of assumption based on two posts in a single thread.

I'm not turning anything. I stand by my first post in this thread.

What exactly am I turning it on anyway? Or who?

People that assume eventually get into trouble through thinking that their skill of reading between lines is always correct. Whatever.

Is it possible she was a ho bag? Sure it is. Is it possible she sleeps around and isn't a ho bag? Sure it is. Is it possible she only slept with him? Sure it is but I doubt it.

I'll post no more on the subject because I have no reason to defend my original words. Like I said, I stand by them.
 

nicenycdick

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This is what I would do:

1. I would get myself tested for STD's immediately;

2. If I was free from STD's, I would thereafter tell my current girlfriend that a woman with whom I had unprotected sex before I met her just told me that she might be pregnant and that the baby might be mine. I would also tell her at the same time that I had unprotected sex that one time because I had been drinking and that I was tested and free of STD's.;

3. If I am not free from STD's, I'd tell her that, tell her about the baby and suffer the consequences.

My reasoning is simple: if I tell her about it now, I will be letting her know that I might be a new father even before it is fact. It will be easier to accept if it is not yet verified and she will appreciate the I was assertively honest. It will make accepting the ultimate revelation that the woman is pregnant a lot easier to accept and might save the relationship.
 

MickeyLee

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Nothing worse than somebody putting words in the mouths of other posters or assuming that they read right or however you read it. Sorry, perhaps it should have said both of them were easy for one night; then again while I agree with you that both of them were easy, guys do not get pregnant, women do. So you don't misread that statement or get offended over something I did not say, it seems to me you are the one being judgemental. The simple fact remains that it is possible that (trying to word this so you don't misread it like you already did or assume or read into my words and saying I am "judgey") she sleeps around probably as much as he does. So my original post stands as far as I am concerned. Make sure she is pregnant, but more importantly, shall I say "if" not to offend you, IF she is sleeping around, the baby may not be his. That doesn't take away his responsibility either if, in fact, the baby is his. Maybe it's you being "touchy"?

*pets the cranky-judgey dude*
yeah.. heaps of things could have happened.

is just that your first three guess of what might have happened made you seem like a sexist ass :smile:
 

DAVISDAVE

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Well, I'm older and I think coming from a different perspective. These comments are my opinions and thoughts on the subject.

He should first and foremost be sure the girl is pregnant. Once she confirms she is and looking at "potential" paternity, he should be honest with his girlfriend and tell her. It will eventually come out and best for him to tell her as soon as he finds out than to wait and let her hear it from someone else.

Secondly, IMO, he needs to remind her that this "interlude...not even an affair" occured after a night of drinking (BEFORE he met her) and they were both regretting their impuslive actions of the night before. And hopefully he learned a valuable lesson.

And THAT he has chemistry and connection with his current girlfriend that he certainly doesn't want to lose (if he Loves her he should tell her.... if he doesn't love her then he should not use that word.)

There is no guarantee that the girl will leave...or stay. But his sincerity and honesty should be worth something.

I think he needs to be clear on where he stands and needs to have support of his friends and family. The girl that is pregnant needs the same support system. The decisions that will be made are not easy ones. His desire to accept his role and responsibility is honorable and he should be commended for that. IMO, it shows that he has character and integrity....we all have lapses of judgment.

I've said this before to a very very close family member in this situation. We all make mistakes, we are all human and no one is error-free. A baby is a baby that will one day grow to be a man or woman. (I said some other things but they are not applicable to this situation...but hopefully his family and her family will both support and love them unconditionally.)

The last thing he should do is marry the girl with the baby if there is no love there. That is NOT a valid reason to marry someone.

I don't know how old your friend, the girl, and GF are...but am guessing they are at least 'adults'.

Good luck.


.... AND while I am writing a book... Dolfe says it short and succintly...:biggrin1:


WOW! just WOW! You are a great person!!!
 

joyboytoy79

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You have to be joking. this is ridiculous. This is not a job interview, you do not need to tell your current gf your sexual history.

Well, I'm glad that... cuz my current gf might have a problem with me being married to a man.:rolleyes:

But really, I know what you're saying and IT is ridiculous. People need to be honest with each other when they want to be in relationships. Omission is a form of lying. Lying = not honest. You see where my logic is going, right?

I really don't see what's so hard about saying "I slept with a girl recently and it was unprotected." I mean, really, it's about protecting the girl you say you care about. What's so ridiculous about that?

And, just because I don't think I said it enough: REALLY.
 

Viper73

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Guys,

After a weekend-long reality check, my buddy finally has a plan of action. I'm not totally onboard with it but I've agreed to support him...

The one-night-fling has an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning for a blood test to determine officially yes-or-no. If the results are yes he's agreed to tell her everything and take whatever fate throws at him. If the relationship blows apart, it does. If it's negative he's not going to tell her and upset her with what 'almost' happened. (I'm not happy about this but I understand where he's coming from)

Regardless of the test results for her he's agreeed to have an STD panel ran and share the results with his new girlfriend. In actuality, he's only been with his ex-wife, the one-night-fling and his current girlfriend in the last 17 years.

I've agreed that I'm not going to say anything whatsoever to my girlfriend about this since she and his are best friends. I don't want either of us adding fuel to a fire since ultimately it's there place to work this out between themselves.
 

ConstantComment

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****eta: post-ponder... i would probably be harsher on a woman with the same/ reverse issue. she should be able to empathize/sympathy for another woman. ****

Be harsh all you want but this child free woman chose her partner on the basis that he is child free also. Right now I am unemployed and getting cancer treatments. I am not in the position to help someone else to raise a child that we will rarely see.

Is there someone out there empathising / sympathising with my situation?
 
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EllieP

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My husband had sex before we met. I knew that when we met. I mean he was 34, for heaven's sakes.

Some may think I'm bonkers, others may think I'm smart, but I insisted he was tested twice, TWICE, before we made love for the first time. Then we both got tested before we got married. I had already been tested before we met and was completely celibate for almost a year. Also, I was a lot more discriminate than he was, that's for sure.

If there were little Caps running around I would surely want to know. So far no one's come knocking on the door. It happened to my aunt when she was in her 50s! A young woman knocked on her door and said "I think my dad lives here." He did. Navy episode.

I guess it would have been forgivable if it had happened only once.
 

B_deltaboy767

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my bad.. i should have quoted each dude.. instead of using your phrasing singled out to represent that "how do you know it's yours" contingent.

ya do know that "truly not to blame her" is kinda like "with all due respect" ? a hollow qualifier if blame/disrespect follows.

you did in fact imply that if she had sex with one dude.. she might/probably is having sex with many/other dudes.. when, going by the story we got from OP Dude... Friendly McPantsoff seems to be the only person engaging in verified bed hoping.

eta: you weren't blamey. you were judgey.
It takes teo to tango. She is just as guilty as he is. If she opened her legs after only just meeting him, then yeah she is "easy". And if he whipped it out and fucked her after just meeting her, then his is just as "easy". Im sick and tired of people putting women on pedestools. He/she are both easy. END OF STORY
 

B_deltaboy767

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It's possible she is a ho bag too. Who knows what the f she is? Who cares? All I give a flying fuck about is that the guy (the OP, remember him?) makes sure of two things. One that she is pregnant. Two that the baby is his.

I know plenty of ho bags in my own culture as do you Hilaire. Both of you are truly reading between the lines because you both think you are "good at it". Trust me, both of you couldn't be further off base.

If I wanted to call her a douchebag or whatever, I'd have called her a douchebag. I am never at a loss for words.

Guilty conscience? For what? I still stand by my original post however you two want to read it.

And the passive aggressive thing you talk about....didn't know you could make that kind of assumption based on two posts in a single thread.

I'm not turning anything. I stand by my first post in this thread.

What exactly am I turning it on anyway? Or who?

People that assume eventually get into trouble through thinking that their skill of reading between lines is always correct. Whatever.

Is it possible she was a ho bag? Sure it is. Is it possible she sleeps around and isn't a ho bag? Sure it is. Is it possible she only slept with him? Sure it is but I doubt it.

I'll post no more on the subject because I have no reason to defend my original words. Like I said, I stand by them.
OMG i could not agree with you more!!! I am so sick of women always being the victim and the guy being the perpatraitor/ aggresor. She was drunk, he was drunk, women do, and i have seen it many times, have a way to trap, or should i say put a man in a place where he is forced to be with the girl, and in my part of the country, girls do it all the time, they even scheme and talk amog them selfs about how and who they will get to " Stay with me be my bf for good" Its sick, and when i catch wind of it, I always do, seem girls love to confide in their gay friends, I tend to warn the guys they are plotting against and quote to them "verbatim" what the little bitches said. I have fortunatly saved ALOT of guys heartaches and total stress..
 
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dolfette

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what part of ''female friend of ours'' says she just hooked up with a total stranger for a one night stand?

since when does sleeping with a friend make a woman a ''hobag''?

they both made a mistake, they both have to deal with the consequences. name calling is not required.
 

MickeyLee

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It takes teo to tango. She is just as guilty as he is. If she opened her legs after only just meeting him, then yeah she is "easy". And if he whipped it out and fucked her after just meeting her, then his is just as "easy". Im sick and tired of people putting women on pedestools. He/she are both easy. END OF STORY

*blink*
my first idiot of the day.
*checks time*
meh... is not record setting or anything.. still.. is nice to have checked something of my list :smile:


btw:
member since 2006
post count 184

theory is pure science!!
:biglaugh:


randomly: since when is not assuming the worst about a person putting them on a pedestal.
 
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