BF/BF and income disparity

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by acalerk, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. acalerk

    acalerk New Member

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    I'm starting a new relationship with a great guy, he's about 8 years older then me. Things go great when we go out and in the bedroom and snuggling and everything...the main issue i'm kinda dealing with is our different income levels.

    He makes six figures easily...i'm at 10.50 an hour. He has no debt, I have 16k in student loans and 3k in credit cards. I'd say overall he's had a more sheltered life then me and I have my mistakes in the past that I'm working through. I was unemployed briefly for about 3 weeks when i first moved in with him and he kinda got annoyed a bit about paying for everything. Now that I have a job again he's a lot better.

    I just get so insecure and sometimes downright envious inside it kinda almost hurts. I never talk up much about it, other then "so you like me?" kinda of one line questions. I know the typical generic response is "talk to him about it" but he's not really someone that's easy to talk to about these things cause he'll just aim to make me feel better about it.

    Just wanting to know how to deal with it i supose.
     
  2. D_Chesty_Pecjiggle

    D_Chesty_Pecjiggle Account Disabled

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    Talk to him about it. Let him know how it makes you feel.

    I bet you can come to an agreement where everyone is feeling like they're paying their share.
     
  3. hroark

    hroark Active Member

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    I'd say you have the upperhand. Money comes and goes -- a big dick is forever.
     
  4. D_Sal_Manilla

    D_Sal_Manilla Account Disabled

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    Try not to think about it and don't ever become dependent on him. pay your debts while trying to build up your own life. Save money for the time when you both part ways, if you ever should part ways. and don't be envy him. money is not always glamours. You have life experience that will help you to not make the same mistakes.

    I was fortunate enough to have been born into a family with money. I received a private education, and just recently my parents bought me a new car for my birthday. Everything has been handed down to me and my sister. And the same way that you get envious, i too get envious because I don't know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. To have no money. I'm afraid that once I leave my parents house that i will fall flat on my face. I don't even know how to get a job. I've never had one and i'm 18. I'm the only one out of my friends that doesn't have a job.

    I envy you because you got it figured out. Like i said be strong and don't ever depend on him and if money continues to be an issue, then try to reevaluate the lifestyle that you want to the one you can afford.

    best of luck to you.
     
  5. thebesthotsex

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    First off, he's 8 years older than you...that's a lot of time for any graduating professional to find a decent job, pay off his loans, and gain a decent salary...so don't be so down on yourself. In 8 years time you might be just as successful as him (you really never know). If you think he's willing to help you and look past your debt and baggage, I say he must really like you. Rather than feeling insecure, take advantage of his success and ask him to point you in the right direction...he clearly cares about you since you've moved in together. I know it's hard, but I would say to stop being spiteful and look forward. The more time you dote on what you don't have, the less time you have towards working on what you want. If he's the type you can't talk to about it, I would say just keep working to pay off your debt and make a contribution where you can so he doesn't feel like he's pulling all the weight. Even though he's making 6 figures, he probably just wants to see that you're not freeloading off of him but are at least making an effort to pay what is within your means. If he still doesn't get that, then you need to make it blatantly clear to him that he makes a lot more money than you and that you're working on minimum wage. It's not like you're going on shopping sprees with his paychecks. This is a common problem between a lot of couples so you need to find some middle ground. What you lack in money you can make up for with stuff like cleaning the apartment, cooking dinner, etc. It might be domestically degrading at times, but he will respect you for it. Hope this helps.
     
  6. B_benchgave

    B_benchgave New Member

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    yUP, more communication is necessary.
     
  7. matelalique

    matelalique Active Member

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    I've had this come up in various flavours through my life. I was a grad student in engineering in Boston, so earning $16k/year before taxes in a very expensive area. Since then I've had a 6 figure salary, supported two unemployed people, and now I'm unemployed.

    Two specific incidents I remember - a vacation travelling around with my younger sister who works as a pre-school teacher in South Africa, whom I'd brought over to the US on miles, and had very little money. Basically she picked up the Subways and the McDonalds, and I picked it up when we went somewhere nicer, and it felt equitable.

    When I was supporting the unemployed (in an odd relationship), I wanted to not feel like I was being used, and it generally worked. You've seen some irritation already from your unemployment. What I wanted to see was that a decent effort was made to not squander money, and that a decent effort was made to earn. I'm a little odd - I like to minimise necessary expenses (heating the house, more than the minimum medical bills etc), but I love to travel a lot, but on the reasonably cheap. He likely has his own odd financial quirks, and you need to learn to respect those.

    If he wants to go out to a nice place for dinner, he needs to pay and you need to let him (if he's earning 6 figures, he probably feels he deserves it, and you can help him enjoy his money). If you're picking up Dunkin in the morning you can pick up that.

    So in my experience it can work. It's about communication and respect - and from him too for your situation. There is a subtext in your original post that you have your own issues about the financial disparity - keep an eye on those.

    Good luck
     
  8. Brensta

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    Talk to him about it. If things are still new like you said (except it sounds like you guys are sleeping together already so it might not be THAT new) then you really need to pay your share of things. You can be open and let him know you are on a budget and do things based on that.

    Best date I've ever had was a day at the beach, that's pretty cheap!
     
  9. Drifterwood

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    Work out your own budget, including regular repayment of your debts, starting with your credit cards, and stick to it. This is your independent financial lifestyle at this time of your life. If he has a problem with it, then it is his problem. He should realise where you are at at this time of your life and not judge you for it. If he wants to cover some luxuries for you both then fine, he can afford it for you both as a couple and he shouldn't be making any big deal about it. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable beacuase, as others have said, he is further down the career path than you.
     
  10. hrdhatdad

    hrdhatdad Active Member

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    A good work ethic helps alot. When dating, I'm not so concerned about the size of the salary.
     
  11. Sklar

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    Here's a different thought, if the money disparity doesn't bother him, don't let it bother you. You've got a job. You help out when you can. Don't let this non issue ruin or cast a shadow over what sounds like a decent relationship.

    Trust me on this, there will be bigger issues to worry about than this.

    Sklar
     
  12. erratic

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    I think that the points about communication and minding the (age) gap are spot-on.

    - You've recently graduated. Please cut yourself some slack :)
    - Your relationship is laying it out clearly that we don't all start on a level playing field. That can be really, really frustrating for people who start off in a comparatively disadvantaged position, and something that people who start off in a relatively advantaged position don't tend to notice. There is no fault for either party - this is the way the world is - but it is another reason honest communication is key.
    - You say that talking to him about it may not work because he'll just try to make you feel better. That could be a really instructive moment for him. He probably wants to make you feel better because he doesn't want to see someone he loves upset; however, I get the feeling you want to feel like he's hearing and respecting what you have to say, and not rush to consoling you. Being honest about that with him and finding a resolution would seriously strengthen your relationship.
    - As other posters have mentioned, perhaps coming up with a formal-ish arrangement concerning money is a good idea. Ie., you pay your personal bills, he pays his, and you split mutual bills by whatever percentages you agree to.
    - Try to roll with the envy instead of fighting it. Sure, you're not as well-off as he is, but he deserves his happiness, doesn't he? And, don't forget, you'll always be younger than him. No matter how much money he makes. ;)

    and...

    - For the love of all that is good in the world, rid yourself of the preposterous notion that we get sold through various social channels that the money you earn is in any way related to your own worth, the worth of your work, or the worth of your contribution to your relationship. The Situation made $5 million a couple of years back. Social workers helping veterans overcome post traumatic stress disorder get paid a tiny fraction of that. WTF.

    Good luck, and congratulations on finding a good man.
     
  13. hairyversmuscle

    hairyversmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Hey bud, I been on both sides of the spectrum on this one and will say this:

    When I was in my early 20s barely making anything, I hung out with folks 7-10 years older who were all doing well. One day I spent $500 on a new couch, my first piece of grown up furniture. These rich chumps all laughed at me saying they spent $2000 on a couch etc... I tried to keep up but went further in debt as a result.

    Flash forward to me being in my 30s, I started making quite a bit of money, but started dating someone who does NOT. I haven't forgotten how it made me feel to be around folks who have money when I did not, so I will not let that impact my relationship.

    Your guy should respect the fact that you work, that you are younger and understand that if he wants to go out for a nice dinner or shopping spree or a trip, that he might be paying for you to go along, because you can't go further into debt to pay your half of things if you can't afford it but he can. And he SHOULD understand that.
     
  14. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Love don't care about money.
     
  15. NCbear

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    My man makes between 15% and 20% of my income, and has done so ever since we met 8 years ago.

    We talked about it from the outset, so ever since we first moved in together, he supports the household in proportion to his income. And it's all good.

    We share household chores or switch off as our mood strikes. We talk frequently about what needs to be done and who'll do it. As others upthread said, it's all about communication.

    Money comes and goes. Wonderful people, though, don't. Or, to my mind, shouldn't.

    NCbear (who feels tremendously supported by my man :smile:)
     
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