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BF Wants Less Sex Willing to Let Me Play

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by fournineteenfiftynine, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. fournineteenfiftynine

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    We are in a relatively new relationship. One year. But we are engaged and planning to get married in the fall. I like to have sex at least once a day. He only wants it once a week. He is okay with me having some craigslist hook ups as long as he is in the picture and there is no emotional attachments so I can have sex more often. Do you think this can work?
     
  2. strt4yngbttm

    strt4yngbttm Well-Known Member

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    I think it will as long as he's ok with it, seems he is I want to try a mfm too but hard to find a couple willing to do it.
     
  3. ten2ride

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    Of course it will work. I've known dozens of couples who are like that. Lots of men get off more from watching their wife duck someone than from fucking them themselves. Although not something people publicly admit, I believe it is quite common.
    Lucky me ~ I have been the guy to do the fucking many many times with many couples!
     
  4. ActionBuddy

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    It will work sometimes, but no way in hell is it going to for every hook-up that you might find attractive in some way. That will be frustrating to you, and an annoyance to your partner.

    A "sex once a day vs. once a week" gap is huge for a new relationship. I think you should postpone the nuptials, especially if you are thinking of it being a fancy, expensive celebration. You two have A LOT more to talk about.

    A/B
     
    #4 ActionBuddy, Apr 24, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2015
  5. Over-reaching

    Over-reaching Well-Known Member

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    I think that's a good point. Ideally in the end both of you might need to compromise, but as it is that's a seven-fold difference in frequency. And how often are you going to have hook-ups for sex - presumably not most days.
     
  6. a3sthetic

    a3sthetic Well-Known Member

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    If you need to ask a bunch of strangers then I'd think it's quite telling.

    Nobody can give you an answer that only you and your BF can answer. Some have a high tolerance for open relationships others have none.
     
  7. Betty_Cocker

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    It can work. It depends on your ability to separate the physical act from the mental/emotional parts. that's totally depending on your own personality. The other factor is your bf's confidence level, whether or not he will become jealous, and his level of security in your relationship. Is he willing to let you cuck him? you don't have to degrade him for him to be cucked. There are many levels and just the fact that he allows this is a step towards cucking.

    I'd wonder if those elements are solid yet as you've only been together a year?

    Also is this open arrangement going to allow him the freedom to explore his sexuality? What if he asks to join and ends up finding his bi side? Are you ok with him having bfs or other gfs to play with too?

    A lot to think about and I'd suggest a lot of talking first and making sure you both understand the rules of the game.

    PS. It will change your relationship. Can't tell you if it will be for the best or not. That's your call. My personal advice is to buy yourself some toys and wait until you are both more grounded in the relationship. OR if sex is really that important to you and you are not sexually compatible. ..dump him before you get married.
     
  8. 185248

    185248 Guest

    Sounds to me like your growing apart instead of closer.
     
  9. tgirlsrgreat

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    no! and craigslist can be so dangerous, would not do it, nor recommend it
     
  10. Betty_Cocker

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    Also, another thought that should come out during the initial discussions:

    This "agreed arrangement" ... is it just until you marry, or something he is good with taking into the marriage?

    Again, the ones I've seen work and become a benefit to the couple have been those folks that were well grounded before opening the doors to their bedrooms to a third party.

    I've also seen some major disasters!
     
  11. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    I cannot in any way see this being a sustainable relationship. Your incompatibilities cannot be continuously supported by outside flings without one of those becoming complicated in some way.

    There is always a yin and yang between emotional and physical needs, but your situation favors one over the other.

    I do sincerely hope it works out for you, but be prepared for major changes when they come about. The slightest wind might throw the whole thing off course, so be ready to steer.
     
  12. 185248

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    I want to be there when they say their marriage vows..."I fournineteenfiftynine do solemly swear to search craiglist for my sexual fulfill.........:)
     
  13. ActionBuddy

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    This is bunk... CraigsList is no more dangerous than hooking up on Tindr, Grindr, Squirt.com, or even LPSG, or any other "meeting/dating' source. CL is just much larger and worldwide, so it gets the bad press when people do something stupid, like not first meeting in a public place, and end up in trouble, which, statistically speaking is a rare occurrence. If you are victimized, your CL messages lead right to the perp's profile and then to their IP address. Your "garage sale" ad is no more or less safe from attracting burglars if placed on CL or in your local newspaper.

    CL just got a bad name because one killer made for a lucrative, tabloid style TV movie. But, HOW you hook up is not the topic of this thread.

    You don't say whether you are a male/female couple or male/male, but either way you aren't going to find a "hook-up" that appeals to both of you more than a couple of times a week, and what a big effort that takes! So, I doubt you are going to have a lot more sex without going behind your partner's back. I'd recommend enjoyable, uncomplicated, masturbation, and A LOT more discussion with your partner, before having a wedding.

    A/B
     
    #13 ActionBuddy, Apr 24, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2015
  14. KennF

    KennF Well-Known Member

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    Interesting. So many are picturing this as a M-F relationship. I presumed it was a M-M relationship. I guess it can be either. :)

    The relationship can work if you want to open it up to additional sex partners.

    It is vital that you talk alot more about the boundaries that are and are not acceptable.

    Is sex in your bedroom acceptable? Does sex have to be limited to 'vanilla'? When he says 'he wants to be in the picture', does he want to watch, participate, direct? Does he just want to pick the guys out with you or for you? Are they allowed to stay the night? Shower? Condoms? Toys? What sexual acts are not allowed? Is it just while dating? After marriage? What about after kids (if you intend to have them)?

    For this arrangement to work, you two need to open up completely about your feelings and expectations. You have to be secure in your relationship, and with only one year into it, you have to REALLY communicate clearly.

    If after all that talking, you want to try it, great. But you need to understand that Betty_Cocker said an important thing... You'll need to separate the physical act of sex from love and intimacy.

    -Kenn
     
  15. tgirlsrgreat

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    then you don't keep up with all the scams, robberies and fakes out there, not saying you can't find some real people out there, happens all the time, but don't be so naive and think there is or was ONLY 1 BAD APPLE IN THE CRAIGSLIST TREE.
     
  16. Infernal

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    I think there needs to be a lot more discussion between the two of you to make sure you both understand exactly what your expectations are. It's very easy to make mistakes with this that cause resentment later. You will make mistakes, but you have to be prepared for the fallout and be willing to discuss it again, or every time it comes up.
     
  17. ActionBuddy

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    That's the Internet for ya, Tgirl... It isn't just a problem on Craigslist. Let the buyer, (or player), beware!... I'm not naive, and please don't put words in my mouth. Now, let's get back on-topic.
     
  18. Mercurygirl

    Mercurygirl Well-Known Member

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    I got the impression it was a M-M too. The reason is I feel that most women, that is, if the OP is in fact a woman, would be wondering why the guy she's been with for only a year wants to have sex with her once a week? It be a giant red flag for a lot of women and have them questioning if marriage was the right step. And it's not just a woman's need to feel desired by her man but also would feed into her concerns if she wanted to have children in the future. A couple sets a timeline for a family and sometimes it can take a lot of sex and both need to get it on frequently to make the pregnancy happen. I'd be thinking once week is pretty lame effort for cracking an egg. No woman wants to beg her partner for sex in order to have children.
     
  19. ActionBuddy

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    Frankly, I assumed the OP is in a male/male relationship, but because there is no gender chosen on the OP's profile, I was giving it the benefit of the doubt in my first reply. To be honest, I can't imagine a reasonably intelligent, emotionally sound woman going for such an arrangement, especially within the first year of a relationship. I can see two guys trying it for awhile, but seriously doubt it will benefit their "commitment" to each other, nor themselves.

    They need counseling if they are really serious about each other.

    A/B
     
  20. keenobserver

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    I question how this can work as a marriage. If a relationship is only mutually satisfying one day a week, it isn't a relationship, it just a regular hook up. I get that people have different "drives." But one partner needing / wanting physical intimacy daily and one okay with weekly is a divide that is hard to overcome.

    I've known married couples (both straight and gay) who were to some degree open, but the openness extended to once in a while, not weekly or daily. I can't see why anyone would want to be married with that many potential outsiders coming and going.

    Given the limited information in the op I would suggest serious, intense couples counseling to see if the intimacy frequency issue can be bridged with something other than a craigslist ad.

    I've known older married couples, married for decades who refused to divorce and pretty much each partner went their own way. I somewhat get that if there are money issues that are hard to address, but I would not want to compartmentalize my life that way.

    To start a married relationship with such a high degree of openness seems to me to be counter productive to the reason one gets married in the first place.
     
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