Bi And Dating Vs Sex

pengucat

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So I am just curious if this is a bisexual thing or just a me thing. I have been finding of late that getting laid and finding people who want to fuck is very very easy.

However, getting anything serious to last long has proven to be a much more difficult task. I've taken some time off from relationships after a horrendous infidelity experience, and suddenly jumping back into the dating game feels infinitely harder than it was before. I have been told by many friends that I am a "catch" and have had many repetitions of that dreaded straight friend comment "If I was into guys I'd want you."
But no luck despite lots of trying.

Is this something you all have experienced as well? When I was in the closet I never had any of these issues with women. I had great relationships that just weren't the right person at the right time. But since I've come out as bi, things seem...much harder.

Is this a common experience for the bi community?
 
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damnimbi

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In general, dating is seems to get progressively more difficult as I age. Not only am I more picky, but I'm less tolerant of general dating bs. When we were young, we'd put up with quite a bit for the chance to make something happen.

it's also part of being open about being bi. I started telling the women I chatted up within the first few conversations. 80% drop rate after that, the others have major questions about how faithful I'll be, or if I'm really gay and just don't know it. I imagine it's the same with dating men....
 

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I have never been open about being bi. Who I have dated in the past is my business. Anyone who pries is told to mind their own.

Dating is easy for me because I have no desire or expectation to be in an exclusive relationship. That eliminates those who do very quickly and we waste no more time. It tends to select for those who don't want anything serious.

Sounds to me like you want an exclusive relationship. If that's the case your previous dating life is none of their business and theirs is none of yours.
 
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it's also part of being open about being bi. I started telling the women I chatted up within the first few conversations. 80% drop rate after that, the others have major questions about how faithful I'll be, or if I'm really gay and just don't know it. I imagine it's the same with dating men....

Curious as to whether (in your experience) men have the same reaction as women to being told that you are bisexual. I think that most gay/bi men take sexual fluidity in stride, whereas straight women do not—at least when it comes to men as potential partners. Conversely, I think that most men would not be immediately put off by a woman’s disclosure that she is bisexual. Something to talk about, to be sure, but not a deal-breaker.

I have dated bi and straight women and I am definitely afraid of bi-phobia when it comes to women who identify as straight. (Bi-phobia phobia, it that a thing?)
 

pengucat

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I have never been open about being bi.
...
Sounds to me like you want an exclusive relationship. If that's the case your previous dating life is none of their business and theirs is none of yours.

Err, this seems very odd to me. This has worked for you? I have always considered the foundation of any relationship to be honest. That doesn't have to include specifics about my exes but the idea of closeting myself to a partner seems very counterintuitive to building a functional and successful relationship.
 
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halcyondays

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Err, this seems very odd to me. This has worked for you? I have always considered the foundation of any relationship to be honest. That doesn't have to include specifics about my exes but the idea of closeting myself to a partner seems very counterintuitive to building a functional and successful relationship.

Does your honesty in a relationship extend to telling a short brunette that you prefer tall blondes? That you prefer large breasts over small breasts? That you prefer a guy with a large penis to a guy with a small one? Or tall guys over short guys? Blue eyes over brown? Or vice versa for any of these?

If not why would you share that you're bi when it drives people away? You're capable of being in a committed relationship with one person aren't you?

If you're seriously focused on dating and getting to know one person at a time--with the goal of finding Mr/Ms Right--that's all they need to know.

To answer your question yes it works for me especially with women who in my experience are biased against bi men because they think a) we're really gay or b) sexually confused and c) incapable of being exclusive or d) downright promiscuous.
 

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Curious as to whether (in your experience) men have the same reaction as women to being told that you are bisexual. I think that most gay/bi men take sexual fluidity in stride, whereas straight women do not—at least when it comes to men as potential partners. Conversely, I think that most men would not be immediately put off by a woman’s disclosure that she is bisexual. Something to talk about, to be sure, but not a deal-breaker.

I have dated bi and straight women and I am definitely afraid of bi-phobia when it comes to women who identify as straight. (Bi-phobia phobia, it that a thing?)

I keep my bisexuality personal, unless it's a very close friend that might figure it out, or we have business together that could be impacted if I were outed (one was a singer I was working closely with). Otherwise, I don't tell make friends, it has no bearing on our friendship. I've only met a few women that are truly bi, including the last women I dated (who only explored right after we broke up, dammit, lol!).
 

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So I am just curious if this is a bisexual thing or just a me thing. I have been finding of late that getting laid and finding people who want to fuck is very very easy.

However, getting anything serious to last long has proven to be a much more difficult task. I've taken some time off from relationships after a horrendous infidelity experience, and suddenly jumping back into the dating game feels infinitely harder than it was before. I have been told by many friends that I am a "catch" and have had many repetitions of that dreaded straight friend comment "If I was into guys I'd want you."
But no luck despite lots of trying.

Is this something you all have experienced as well? When I was in the closet I never had any of these issues with women. I had great relationships that just weren't the right person at the right time. But since I've come out as bi, things seem...much harder.

Is this a common experience for the bi community?


It's common across the board. Dating has always had getting laid as the goal. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to keep trying till you find someone where sex isn't THE most important thing. Your date should feel the same way and this takes time. Sex is the icing, not the cake.
 
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pengucat

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I keep my bisexuality personal, unless it's a very close friend that might figure it out, or we have business together that could be impacted if I were outed (one was a singer I was working closely with). Otherwise, I don't tell make friends, it has no bearing on our friendship. I've only met a few women that are truly bi, including the last women I dated (who only explored right after we broke up, dammit, lol!).

I have no interest in hiding it. My friends all know. The idea of going back in the closet makes me sick to my stomach, honestly.

Any relationship that requires me to hide part of myself to maintain sounds closer to torture than an ideal. Certainly not honest.
 

damnimbi

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I have no interest in hiding it. My friends all know. The idea of going back in the closet makes me sick to my stomach, honestly.

Any relationship that requires me to hide part of myself to maintain sounds closer to torture than an ideal. Certainly not honest.

I wrote that 8 months ago. A few weeks met a woman who was poly, who totally accepted me as bi (and was turned on by watching me with another guy, etc). So while it looks like she ghosted me, I changed my dating profiles to 'bi', or noted it in the text......I expect crickets from here on out, but we'll see.
 
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pengucat

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I wrote that 8 months ago. A few weeks met a woman who was poly, who totally accepted me as bi (and was turned on by watching me with another guy, etc). So while it looks like she ghosted me, I changed my dating profiles to 'bi', or noted it in the text......I expect crickets from here on out, but we'll see.

I've been there,too.
I'm kinda excited to have met a guy during quarantine who is totally cool with my sexuality. Said he wouldn't mind if I wanted to incorporate a girl on special occasions -- and I didn't ask!

Guy or girl i just want my partner to accept me...and have a strong sex drive.
I'm cautiously optimistic right now.
 
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damnimbi

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I've been there,too.
I'm kinda excited to have met a guy during quarantine who is totally cool with my sexuality. Said he wouldn't mind if I wanted to incorporate a girl on special occasions -- and I didn't ask!

Guy or girl i just want my partner to accept me...and have a strong sex drive.
I'm cautiously optimistic right now.

That's beyond amazing!

Interesting how, as bi men, we get marginalized from both spectrums, straight and gay. It's like sexual purgatory at worst, heaven at best.
 

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I find this to be true as well, bi people tend to find sexual partners rather easily.

Part of me wonders if it’s due to the social mindset a lot of people have that bisexuals are exotic, and a lot of people still hang onto the idea that they have the magic dick/ass/vag that’ll convert someone’s sexuality. That mindset is of course biphobic since it is rooted in the idea that bi people choose who they are attracted to and must “pick a side” or are really on the path to gay or straight after all.

I guess I can’t complain about the availability of sex, but sometimes I do find myself second-guessing the motive. Dating is definitely much harder for bi people because of the biphobia out there, be it latent or upfront.
 
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pengucat

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Part of me wonders if it’s due to the social mindset a lot of people have that bisexuals are exotic, and a lot of people still hang onto the idea that they have the magic dick/ass/vag that’ll convert someone’s sexuality. That mindset is of course biphobic since it is rooted in the idea that bi people choose who they are attracted to and must “pick a side” or are really on the path to gay or straight after all.

I guess I can’t complain about the availability of sex, but sometimes I do find myself second-guessing the motive. Dating is definitely much harder for bi people because of the biphobia out there, be it latent or upfront.

I think I am somewhat guilty of incubating the idea of my sexuality as exotic. Many of my friends express curiosity and at times jealousy at the flexibility of my sex life. Still, I didn't expect it to be so hard to find someone who really wants me -- I'm hot as fuck, god dammit.

That said, I have finally begun to meet the occasional happy couple involving a bi person. I didn't have thay role model growing up and it has been very refreshing to occasionally see these monogamish couples that clearly are very very close.

Really hoping this thing w the guy I met keeps working. It's a completely new feeling to have someone so *into me* and who sees my sexuality as an opportunity for occasional experimentation and exploration rather than a ding against my "boyfriend record"