Bi Guy, worrying about satisfying his wife

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by califpat, Sep 20, 2008.

  1. califpat

    califpat New Member

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    Hey Guys,

    Just wanted to throw this out there, I am bi, had sex mostly just oral with other guys, but have always been 'straight' to everyone I know.

    I am now engaged, have great sex, but it is only now and then....once a week at the most...when we first met it was like 4 times a week...I am getting nervous that this is just a symtom of being bi....She is hot, I get into her, but I work alot so sex sometimes takes a 2nd role...is it5 because i get into guys too? my future marriage rests on this...I am happy to have sex once a week with my hot girl, at least, but I am looking around now.....thoughts?
     
  2. Robcolt23

    Robcolt23 New Member

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    you must tell her before you marry. She prob will split, but you must tell her.
    Rob
     
  3. Smartalk

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    Hi Califpat,

    I agree fully with Robcolt, you have to be honest with your girlfriend and more importantly with yourself. I was in the same situation as you and didn't know what to do, in the end I told my girlfriend and she accepted the fact I was bi, because she loved me so much. We got married and wesr married for 20 some years. Eventually I could not cope trying to suppress my feelings for guys, which caused me a lot of emotional and mental stress, which eventually lead to ill health. Not that I am proud of the fact, but ended up having an affair with a guy, which destroyed the marrage and eventually divorce. My wife always thought her love for me would change my feelings towards men. You know as well as I it isn't as simple and straightforward as that. I am now single and living happily as a gay guy, being the person I have always been inside, Should have done it before entering into marrage, but things were different all those years back. To day homosexuality is openly accepted in most communities, which is good.

    Marrage is a big commitment, you need time to think and consider you situation, even if it means postponing the wedding or even the engagement. You need to talk to your girlfriend. It won't be an easy thing to do, but you owe it to her and also to yourself. Maybe you need to experiment more with guys to see if sex and a relationship with man is what you really want or maybe you already know that.

    My heart goes out to you my friend, it really does. Only you know how you feel inside and what you really want. Be the person you are inside, rather the person others expect you to be. If you find that they are the opposites then you have to decide what you next big step is.

    If you want to chat more, with me you can, send me a message through the site, I promise I will reply and do all I can to help. But at the end of the day only you know in your heart of hearts what you want and more importantly what will make you happy.

    Good luck my friend

    Smartalk
     
  4. BigDallasDick8x6

    Gold Member

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    You are well-named, Smartalk. Great words of wisdom from someone who has been there.

    Califpat -- I totally agree with the two previous posters. You have to tell her. A relationship without trust and honesty is a relationship without true intimacy. You'd be cheating yourself out of one of the best things in life, as well as cheating her. You also need to be prepared for her to split. I'd say it's more likely than not. But you need to tell her and the sooner the better. Should have told her before the engagement, IMHO.

    General comment to the world -- In the play Torch Song Trilogy, the main character falls for a guy and then finds out later he is bi and has a girlfriend. He has to sneak away from the girlfriend to hook up with guys. The character that is in love with him makes a great comment that I still remember to this day: (paraphrasing) Just once, I'd like to hear about a bi guy that sneaks out from his boyfriend's house to be with a woman. It's always the other way around.
     
  5. Stephenmass

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    I have to agree with the above posters. You are lucky you KNOW now! At the very least you are bi....if you are a true bi, I do know that bi's can remain monogamous in their marriages. It isn't much different than a straight guy remaining monogamous in their marriages. All I can say is you can save yourself a very painful future if, in fact, you are gay or know you cannot remain monogamous to your marriage (you can lose your kids and marriage when found out!). One of my gay friends in his forties had a painful divorce due to kids, wife (who he still loved I guess but just not the "right way")...etc.

    I don't know exactly what you are. True bi's can remain monogamous (some not admittedly). Bi's are misunderstood in the monogomy way. Determine your sexuality guy as it sounds as if YOU are the one less interested in sex more than once a week. If she were a man, would you think it would be more?
     
  6. tiagra

    tiagra New Member

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    I find married bi guys very sexy__tempting, but I would say you should be honest with her and tell her. You are always going to want a "boy on the side". And you will always be sneaking around and feeling guilty if you don't fess up. And besides it's the right thing to do.
     
  7. 8060

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    Califpat, I just told another member the other day how hard being bisexual was for me. I feel your pain. It is a very hard road to travel for some, myself included. I've had some pretty good relationships in the past & one not so good. Maybe 50% of the women that I've dealt with knew that I was attracted to men as well. Those relationships with women ended on good notes. I have sat on the sidelines and watched marriages fall apart because one spouse keeps something from the other. The divorce was hard on both people. I would never want to get divorced. That's why I tread lightly in starting new relationships; bracing myself for the worse because of the bisexuality. It's hard telling someone EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF and waiting to see if they'll still love you like they say they do after they find out "this horrible thing about yourself" so to speak. Finding happiness in a monogamous relationship is a sacrifice for the bisexual, just from my own experience.

    So, comb your thoughts with a fine toothed comb and hopefully you'll be blessed with an ephiphany.

    Peace
     
  8. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Califpat, I'm not into giving advice, but I dare to say: "Give it time."

    In the matter of relationshp we all have to make choices. My testimony in this case is that becoming aware of the fact that a long term relationship with a man proved very satisfactory and a long term relationship with a woman proved satisfactory as well, I was happy to know that it wasn't the gender of the partner that mattered. Even the person who has had only relationship with women does often have to face the fact that in our culture you can't legally have more than one wife. Bi persons have to recognize that cheating on a partner in a committed relationship with another man is often as destructive and cheating with a woman. Eventually, one has to choose, I was glad when I met the person I was willing to commit the rest of my life in partnership; that lady has been my wife for many years. I never wanted or needed to cheat on her. I like to think that I would have been equally loyal if I had committed the rest of my life to either one of the two other lady partners or any one of the three men with whom I shared a long term relationship.

    There is no dodging the fact that if you want the best, you will have to commit and in choosing a life partner you had better be sure of what you are doing. It is not only your life but the life of your partner and in some cases your children that will be affected.
     
  9. catawbaboy

    catawbaboy New Member

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    this thread is like my future. lucky me to see it coming
     
  10. Adam70

    Verified Gold Member

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    wow guys, I never realised it is this difficult for bi men ... somehow I am left wondering if it is this difficult for bi-women.

    Califpat, I would suggest you see a counsellor too. Tell you why, this is a big deal not only because you risk loosing a seemingly important and rewarding relationship with this woman (which in itself is difficult), but you also seem to have to face some stuff about yourself ... also not an easy task. Counsellors are trained to assist with this and why should you not have all the help you can get? Love yourself, help yourself and get professional help if you feel you need to ...

    ... and if you simply want to chat about this, you're welcome to send me a message in private. Would gladly do all I can to help.
     
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