This is my first post.
I had several sexual experiences with men in my 20s and came to the conclusion that I was not gay or bisexual. When I was growing up, I never felt any attraction to boys. It never crossed my mind. Then in my early 20s, I noticed that I was turned on by some gay porn. I didn't think about it much, and just kind of ignored it.
I then started to work in the hospitality industry in NYC where most men were gay. It was the first time I was ever exposed to so many gay men. There was actually a straight minority at some places I worked. I developed friendships with all my gay coworkers, went out drinking with them. I actually thought it was cool to hang out with gay men - in my mind it made me "progressive".
This was also the first time in my life that I ever got hit on. I got more attention from men then I ever got from women in my life. Men are more forward than women are. A woman that's attracted to you, would usually say nothing and expect you to initiate a conversation. Gay men are aggressive, and don't always keep their hands to themselves.
I very politely declined all advances, but they never stopped coming. And it was difficult to tell who was being friendly and who was trying to make some kind of sexual advance. I went out a lot, got drunk a lot, and that led to staying at people's apartments. And they kept insisting, "Why don't you just try it? You might like it".
Then one night I said "fuck it", and just went along with it. It started out as just rubbing and hand-jobs, oral sex (receptive only), etc.. And it felt good. I enjoyed it. I was open to the idea of being bisexual. And my first gay sexual experiences convinced me that I was. Repeated "hookups" progressively led to full sex, and I was able to completely go through with it. I was always the "top" though. I never sucked dick or got fucked. I also could not kiss or make out with a man. That was a turn off.
I realized though, after multiple hookups that I didn't really enjoy it. I felt like I was doing it more to please gay friends. The pleasure I got was just physical. Gay sex feels good the same way that getting a massage feels good irrespective of who is giving you a massage. In the same manner, all sexual stimulation (handjob, blowjob, penetration) feels good irrespective of who's on the other end. After it was over, after orgasm, I didn't really feel good about it. And I never felt emotionally attracted to any men.
I came to the conclusion then that I wasn't actually bisexual at all and decided to quit sex with men altogether. It can be fun but it wasn't for me. Gay sex actually felt like mutual masterbation. It never felt gay. I'm telling this story to make the point that having some sexual attraction to men, or being sexually stimulated by men, does not necessarily make a person gay or bisexual. Sex feels good regardless of who you're having it with. Sexual stimulation is almost involuntary - even women who are violently raped feel sexual stimulation and have orgasms. Was she really into it though because she had an orgasm?
If you're a person that's not amorously attracted to men -never had a "crush" on a man- and you do not like kissing or making out with a man. I don't think you can call yourself gay or bisexual at all. Getting off from a blow job proves nothing.
