blo1988: No, I wasn't confused about the reply, but I think that my sentiments apply to homophobia in any form.
The effects of homophobia are sometimes obvious and sometimes subtle. I was attempting to explain that we absorb judgemental attitudes regarding "acceptable" feelings and behaviors at a very young age. They can flavor our thinking so much that we don't appreciate their impact on our reactions.
I would argue that a lot of the people who write in these pages have struggled, or are struggling, with their feelings because they are in the psychological double bind. They have homosexual feelings but can't simply try to UNDERSTAND or APPRECIATE them because they have an conditioned reflex to JUDGE them before the thoughts and/or experiences are fully formed. Our feelings about the gender of the person we love or have sex with are much more heavily prejudiced than our feelings about which house to buy, job to take, food to eat , color to paint, hobby to enjoy.
When this happens it is inherently more difficult to integrate our thoughts on sexual and emotional intimacy in a balanced way. As a result our relationship decisions are fundamentally altered. I have lived through, and witnessed, many troubled relationships that suffer from this failing.
One consequence of our internalized prejudices, whether it is racism, sexism,or homphobia; is that we can begin to defend them in ourselves and in others. This can be subtle, like explaining away finger pointing in a mall, or laughing at homphobic remarks in a public setting.
Let me give an example...I was in a microbrewery/restaurant recently in the town where I live. I dashed in to get a quick bite and a baseball game was on. The "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was also on. A very loud, obnoxious, and astonishingly profane fellow (this is a pretty nice place) was sitting a few seats down. He had obviously been drinking too much and when one of the patrons asked that one of the bartenders change the channel to "Queer Eye" he made some loude,pointed and profane remarks. Well, this escalated as the channel was switched back and forth between station breaks until he finally yelled " I don't want to watch a bunch of fucking faggots on some goddamn, fucking, faggot tv show, etc,etc". Well, the bartenders were all 20-something and they just laughed it off, as did a few of the guys at the bar, but some other folks in nearby tables were clearly not amused by his profanity or his bigotry.
I said and did nothing at first. I was angry, but like countless other times in my life, said and did nothing. Then I began to think of all the times that I had felt uncomfortable when "fag" jokes were made as I was sorting out my sexuality and I began to think of the impact of this kind of crap in our culture. Well, I decided to do something. I asked my waiter/bartender if he knew the patron and he mentioned that he was a "regular". I went to the manager and made my displeasure clear. He was appropriately apologetic and advised that he would throw the guy out if it happened again and that he would counsel his staff.
It turns out that the loud mouthed lush is very close friends with several of my gay friends and they suspect that he has "issues". ...............I'll say.
So, the point of the story is that everyone in that vignette was dealing with their feelings about homosexuality. In my past I politely chucked at many a "fag" joke in the locker room. I had swallowed the belief that it was something to degrade.
Not anymore.
It simply isn't any more understandable to tolerate 'faggot" jokes than it is to tolerate "Nigger" or "spic" jokes. So why do we rationalize it? Why do we tolerate it? Because we buy in to the fact that it is something to be ashamed of. And what's more, we are afraid that if we say something we might be thought of as "one of them".
Homophobia is alive and well my friends. It lives in our culture and in all of us...gay straight or bisexual. The challenge is to be honest with ourselves about it AND IT'S IMPACT ON OUR LIVES. It affects us more than we may realize....and like any prejudice, it is never good.
Peace.
